Home > 2012-13 Season, Ordeal of a Cosmonaut > The Ordeal of a Cosmonaut by “Nick”

The Ordeal of a Cosmonaut by “Nick”

January 8, 2013 Leave a comment Go to comments

Further subterfuge by a space anus.

I land the little craft on the surface of a large, brown butte not far from camp. From here, I can look down on the strange orange planet whose hue has grown increasingly lighter with the coming winter months. I have been given only one container of fuel– shoved carelessly in cargo– someone has written “ASSHOLE” in demented, jagged letters on the side. It will not be enough for earth, I know, but it could be enough to land at one of the space stations that dot the troposphere.

I examine the controls. There is a space radio but a click of the switch reveals only the quietest of space feedback. Someone has hung a little green pine tree air freshener to one of the ceiling buttons– I touch it and it falls to pieces.

This tiny spacecraft could be my salvation or it could be my coffin.

I take one last look over the orange planet. And, to my shock and horror, I find that Dr. Ernwhitts and the Being are making their way up the north side of the butte. Dr. Ernwhitts has a “ray”.

I hurry into the craft and begin preparations. It will take at least five minutes before I am ready to even attempt a takeoff and nothing is guaranteed. I had always refused to carry a “ray”– I recognize the folly in that now.

The engine sputters and the interior lights suddenly fail. A message pops up on the dash– “Green, 26, X256”– I tear open the guidebook and search for the mysterious code. After what seems like minutes of nigh-frantic scanning, I locate it deep in the text– “Green, 26, X256– denotes improper launching pad. Craft will shut down.”
I can scarcely believe it– the absurdity of this craft is beyond me.

I hit eject and the cockpit opens slowly. Racing to the northern edge, I see that Ernwhitts and the Being have made significant progress up the steep ledge. A green ray suddenly is upon me– I can hear it menacingly pass my ear.

I search the surface of the butte for weapons and finally I locate some stones hidden in sagebrush. I begin raining them down on my tormentors. Another ray passes by. It is no use.

I climb back into the craft and attempt another takeoff.

This time the engine turns over.

The excrement will continue in further issues.

Categories: 2012-13 Season, Ordeal of a Cosmonaut Tags: ,
  1. No comments yet.
  1. No trackbacks yet.

Leave a comment