Home > Offers, Sarah Samways: Contributing Female > Samways and Fick: Identity Theft

Samways and Fick: Identity Theft

Dr. Samways

According to the Restrained Lankville Trade Probing Unit, identity theft was the number one fraud complaint during calendar year 2016. And limiting the use of personal computers and robots may not help much: a study banged out by Samways and Fick over lunch at a buffet (it was terrible) reported that in 2015 most identity thefts were taking place offline, not online. One other troubling finding: the study found that 97 percent of all identity thefts are committed by someone the victim knows such as friends, casual lovers, pharmacists and that guy that sells flowers by the side of the road.

Identity theft is reported every day (and sometimes in the evening). Concerned citizens worry that an identity thief will run up charges on their credit card or purloin™ their bank account while their back is turned. But with the Samways and Fick Gravitational Blockade™ there is no longer any reason to worry. Once you know the facts about SFGB and some preventive measures you can take, your business can win the fight against identity theft!

Identity thieves commit their crime in several ways:

They steal credit card payments and other outgoing mail from mailboxes.
They dig through garbage cans, dumpsters or trash holes in search of cancelled checks, credit card and bank statements and posters.
They hack into robots that contain personal records and steal the data.
They file a change of address form, divorce papers, or sex offender registrations in the victim’s name to divert mail and gather personal and financial data.

But with the Samways and Fick Gravitational Blockade™, these tricks are no longer possible.

Construction of a Samways and Fick Gravitational Blockade (take note of the shovel).

Here’s how it works:

Samways and Fick will arrive at your business or home (in a van) and construct trenches around the perimeter of your building and your trash receptacles (if you use a trash hole, trenches cannot be constructed so we recommend ceasing this hayseed practice). These trenches are then outfitted with virtual gravitational pull quasars which, when penetrated by a thief, pull him (or her) into the powerful Samways and Fick Gravitational Field™ from which nothing, not even the most savvy of thieves, can escape. Your business now possesses key information about the thief (and sometimes their condensed bodies) allowing you to notify local law enforcement.

But that’s not all! The Samways and Fick Gravitational Field also deters would-be thieves. That’s because we construct large signs around your home or business (in block letters) that read VORTEX.  A thief would have to be a fool to challenge such a sign. You are now fully protected.

So, talk to Samways and Fick now about installing a Gravitational Blockade to protect your valuable data. Our friendly lower-class contractors are prompt, courteous and often bring a pizza (thick crust). Find out today if you qualify.

Samways and Fick: Helping You Get to the Area Near the Top of Your Mountain.

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  1. oversion
    June 4, 2017 at 11:04 pm

    such an important set of facts

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