Archive
Samways and Fick: Identity Theft
Dr. Samways
According to the Restrained Lankville Trade Probing Unit, identity theft was the number one fraud complaint during calendar year 2016. And limiting the use of personal computers and robots may not help much: a study banged out by Samways and Fick over lunch at a buffet (it was terrible) reported that in 2015 most identity thefts were taking place offline, not online. One other troubling finding: the study found that 97 percent of all identity thefts are committed by someone the victim knows such as friends, casual lovers, pharmacists and that guy that sells flowers by the side of the road.
Identity theft is reported every day (and sometimes in the evening). Concerned citizens worry that an identity thief will run up charges on their credit card or purloin™ their bank account while their back is turned. But with the Samways and Fick Gravitational Blockade™ there is no longer any reason to worry. Once you know the facts about SFGB and some preventive measures you can take, your business can win the fight against identity theft!
Identity thieves commit their crime in several ways:
They steal credit card payments and other outgoing mail from mailboxes.
They dig through garbage cans, dumpsters or trash holes in search of cancelled checks, credit card and bank statements and posters.
They hack into robots that contain personal records and steal the data.
They file a change of address form, divorce papers, or sex offender registrations in the victim’s name to divert mail and gather personal and financial data.
But with the Samways and Fick Gravitational Blockade™, these tricks are no longer possible.
Construction of a Samways and Fick Gravitational Blockade (take note of the shovel).
Here’s how it works:
Samways and Fick will arrive at your business or home (in a van) and construct trenches around the perimeter of your building and your trash receptacles (if you use a trash hole, trenches cannot be constructed so we recommend ceasing this hayseed practice). These trenches are then outfitted with virtual gravitational pull quasars which, when penetrated by a thief, pull him (or her) into the powerful Samways and Fick Gravitational Field™ from which nothing, not even the most savvy of thieves, can escape. Your business now possesses key information about the thief (and sometimes their condensed bodies) allowing you to notify local law enforcement.
But that’s not all! The Samways and Fick Gravitational Field also deters would-be thieves. That’s because we construct large signs around your home or business (in block letters) that read VORTEX. A thief would have to be a fool to challenge such a sign. You are now fully protected.
So, talk to Samways and Fick now about installing a Gravitational Blockade to protect your valuable data. Our friendly lower-class contractors are prompt, courteous and often bring a pizza (thick crust). Find out today if you qualify.
Samways and Fick: Helping You Get to the Area Near the Top of Your Mountain.
Samways and Fick: Upcoming Training and Events
LEARN ABOUT FICKWAYS THINKING™
LEARN HOW FICKWAYS THINKING™, THE FICKWAYS™ PROCESS, THE FICKWAYS MAP® AND THE FICKWAYS AMBROSIAL ASSESSMENT™ ARE THE MOST ROBUST SUITE OF PRACTICES AND TOOLS AVAILABLE TO POSSIBLY AND PARTIALLY ACHIEVE YOUR DESIRED RESULTS FASTER, EASIER AND BIGGER.
Dr. Fick
This program is designed for Consulting and coaching professionals to become certified to deliver Fickways Thinking™ processes and apply our most advanced tools including the Fickways Ambrosial Assessment™ (FAA). This course blends our Foundations in FAA™ and Advanced Applications in FAA Courses™, and has absolutely no pre-requisites– anybody from the highest levels of senior management to some sweaty, illiterate, godforsaken, whoremongering buffoon can join! (not recommended– the part about the whoremongering buffoon).
In today’s world of increasing interdependency, complexity and robots, it is vital to utilize problem solving AND thinking to address all of your most strategic challenges and opportunities. Samways and Fick research is clear – leaders, teams and organizations that leverage Fickways outperform those that don’t. Discover how to eliminate paradox, tension, dilemma, and confusion to become more innovative, lithesome, profitable and hard immediately and over time.
PROGRAM DETAILS
3 Day Intensive Workshop with Chairs
Dr. Samways
Two 2-hour Facilitated Webinars (faciliators include Dr. Samways, Dr. Fick and a couple of bangin’ MILFS).
4 hours 1-1 Intensive Coaching and Mentoring in the Fickways Process™.
FUN cooperative exercise in which participants work together to bury something out of Dr. Samways’ van in the desert.
44 Page Consultant Guidebook (other pages extra)
1 Month Consultant Access to the Fickways Resource Portal™ (offer does not include access to the “mature section”.)
Certification & Licensing in Fickways™ Foundations and Advanced Applications
Step 1: Seeing – Appreciate undefined challenges and mysterious opportunities and see more of the whole reality.
Step 2: Moderation – Seeing the whole reality should not be forced but should be slid into smoothly and wetly.
Step 3: Assessing – Utilize the Fickways Ambrosial Assessment™ to gather quantitative metrics from key stakeholders (if there are no stakeholders, read step 2 again and then consider another, perhaps lesser consulting firm.
Step 4: Learning – Decide upon the meaning to be garnered from Assessment results, gain insight into your current strengths and vulnerabilities. Remember– one does wisely by taking the bear by the ring in his snout. Did you like that?
Step 5: Leveraging – Develop and execute interesting strategies to achieve and sustain desired results.
Samways and Fick: Helping You Reach the Area Near the Top of Your Mountain.
Samways and Fick, Consultants: SOCIAL RESPONSIBILITY
As a multinational organization serving companies all over the world, Samways and Fick, Consultants, somewhat recognizes the role that we can all play in developing and investing in local communities. At Samways and Fick, we can help your business set critical internal policies and goals that are socially responsible.
Why care?
Samways and Fick was recently awarded a “Caring Quality Trophy” from the Lankville Mountain Area Charities Aid Foundation for our commitment to fostering a culture of philanthropy in the workplace and for opening doors for lesser-skilled employees like spastics, idiots and pinheads. Our Social Responsibility Program® encompasses a wide range of activities, from our global heavy chemical neutral policy to semi-pro bono consulting and volunteer support for visible charitable organizations. At Samways and Fick, we can implement a Social Responsibility Program to fit your needs.
Society and its Issues
Watch an excerpt of Dr. Fick talking about society (free):
The most important way Samways and Fick can help your business impact society and make a positive difference is through our consulting expertise and advice. Dr. Samways and Dr. Fick are both experts on society. We pass this expertise on to our clients in all types of industry using a technique that we call “Consulting Osmosis®”. Imagine that your business is a sort of long somewhat permeable thin tube full of molasses (or something else really sticky). This tube will begin to swell with knowledge once it comes in contact with Dr. Samways and Dr. Fick. Before long, it will be close to bursting as the knowledge flows through the semi-permeable membrane and into the tube. The molasses will become less sticky, ideas will begin to flow. A fee will be extracted.
Saving Lives
Our work for governmental and non-governmental organizations can help them enhance the value of facilities associated with education, healthcare, poor people transport and furniture. For example, Samways and Fick For Humanity (SFFH) is our organizational arm dedicated to possibly saving children’s lives in impoverished island communities worldwide. We can help your organization learn how to possibly save children’s lives. Think of how good that will look on your website (maybe in a nice colorful banner along one edge).
Call Samways and Fick, Consultants today. We look forward to helping you reach the area near the top of your mountain.
Dr. Samways teaching social responsibility.
Samways and Fick: Consultants, the Letter of Recommendation Experts
The letter of recommendation. The hallmark of a successful job application.
Did you know that 98% of letters of recommendation have been scientifically proven to be failures?* But what can you do? You have to ask someone in a position to write one– such as a current or former supervisor, a professor or mentor or a volleyball coach. But what do you do if these people can’t write? Or if they simply don’t have the time? Or if you waited way too long to ask and now they’re out coaching volleyball in some distant Lankville province? What can you do?
Thankfully, Samways and Fick: Consultants have created a “Letters of Recommendations” arm designed to fulfill all of your non-sexual letters of recommendation needs. We now have an entire stable of important-sounding individuals who will tailor a custom letter to fit your desired (non-sexual) position (non-sexual). Our experts will tirelessly refer to the job posting or job description to find your specific skills and knowledge that are included in the letter and are partially-guaranteed to make you a top-flight candidate. Some letters are even written by Dr. Samways and Dr. Fick!**
Body of the Letter
Dr. Fick.
The body of your Samways and Fick Recommendation letter™ will reference your skills, qualities, areas of knowledge and other assets (non sexual) while stressing your vibrant personality, your enhanced people skills and how you look in an off-color pantsuit. Our experts will start by making a list of your strengths which you would like conveyed in your recommendation (limit ten strengths– after, $49.99 per additional strength).
Our experts will then compose sentences which include references that will make these assertions about your assets seem more credible. As these sentences mount they will become paragraphs. The magic of professional writing!
These assets might consist of a project or role where you successfully applied a certain skill. Citing accomplishments where value was added to your organization and describing the strengths which enabled you to generate these results can be particularly compelling. Any trophies or medallions you have won will be mentioned and perhaps photographed for use in our Samways and Fick Recommendation Letter Appendix™ which can be included with your letter for an additional fee.
Letter Closing
The closing of a Samways and Fick Recommendation letter™ is partially-guaranteed to send you out with a bang!
Dr. Samways
We may elect to mention that we would like to hire you. We might say something like, “if not for those fires that have been ravaging the Lankville Pines Area we would certainly hire [your name here].” We may include a positive statement about our belief that you would be an outstanding addition to any staff. If applicable, we may grade you physically– candidates with an 8 or higher on the dumper tend to fare better than those with a lower score.
At Samways and Fick: Consultants, we don’t believe in trite valedictions. Your letter will not conclude with worn out cliches like “kind regards”, “best wishes”, or “thanks again, what a great time that was.” At S&F, we have an entire stable of distinctive farewells. Everything from “lusciously yours” to “within the realms” and everything in between.
Contact us now.
Samways and Fick: Helping You Reach the Area Near the Top of Your Mountain.
*-See Samways and Fick: 98% of Letters of Recommendation Have Been Scientifically Proven to Be Failures. “The Samways and Fick Journal”, No. 88, p. 265.
**- this is rare.
Samways and Fick, Consultants: THE SUCCESS MATRIX®
Dr. Fick, of Samways and Fick
In an increasingly complex business landscape fraught with challenges, death, and torture, companies must have an explicit strategy in place to position themselves for success. How do you know if your business is succeeding? How do you know if your business is growing? Is your location no longer viable because of that foreign swingers lounge that moved in next door?
Fortunately, all of these questions can be answered by The Samways and Fick Success Matrix®.
What is the Samways and Fick Success Matrix®? Does it really work?
The answer to all these questions is Yes!®
The Samways and Fick Success Matrix® is all about managing individuals with more than one reporting line but may also be used to manage cross functional business groups and other forms of working that cross the standard vertical business units of function, space and geography.
Did you fall asleep? That’s alright– because at Samways and Fick, Consultants, we will take care of all your Success Matrix needs.
We want you to imagine a series of boxes (it can also be a pyramid, your choice) filled with your data. Now imagine these boxes (or the pyramid, your choice) on a large poster. Now imagine the poster on a wall (or taped to a whiteboard, your choice). You have successfully shared your data with your cohorts. “Please look at the posters and you’ll see our Success Matrix,” you will say. “Notice the pyramid rubrics,” you’ll then say. Why? What is the result?
The result is that, thanks to the Samways and Fick Success Matrix®, you have complete and total command of this meeting.
Dr. Samways
A testimonial:
“We didn’t know what to do. We had an employee who caused internal issues from day one from severe absenteeism, to spreading negativity throughout the office, to a loss in production, to initiating challenges on a regular basis. How to exterminate him was of major concern to us especially since his birthday was coming up and we really, really didn’t want to have to go buy one of those supermarket cakes. You know how you have to stand there at the counter and wait for the ponderous guy in the white coat to write out the guy’s name in icing? I just couldn’t imagine doing that. Plus, he had a long foreign name and nobody knew how the hell to spell it. Anyway, Samways and Fick (Consultants) came in and led us through the process of uncovering the issues and dealing face-to-face with performance management and ultimately discipline procedures through the Success Matrix®. While it was a difficult thing to lure him out into the woods, it was in the best interest of all concerned. We are now operating at maximum speed with increased production using employees who no longer have to deal with such a negative internal roadblock. Thanks Samways and Fick!
Call us today. We are mildly excited to begin preparing your Success Matrix®
Samways and Fick, Consultants: Helping You Reach the Area Near the Top of Your Mountain.
Committees, Steering Committees, Sub-Committees: Which Do You Need?
Is your business losing hours of productivity trying to decide what type of committee you need? It can be a difficult decision. Would a standing committee work best? What about a steering committee? Or a sub-committee? Would an advisory committee be the way to go? Or should a standards committee be established first? The options can be daunting.
Dr. Samways
Fortunately, Samways and Fick: Consultants are here to help.
Samways and Fick will arrive at your offices (in a van) and immediately establish a Pre-Policy Consulting Committee aimed at learning what Post-Policy Consulting Committee would be best for your company. We know how to ask the pointed questions, write on white boards, and eliminate needless abhorrent detritus to find the committee that is the best fit for you. Samways and Fick: Consultants will then unleash a Pinwheel of Possibilities®– you’ll have to be on your feet! When the Pinwheel of Possibilities® begins spinning, possibilities often carom crazily off walls and even your ceilings. Rest assured, however, a possibility will always fall gently into your lap like a fluffy pillow. Do an internet search for images of fluffy pillows if you need further clarification.
Once we have helped you discover your ideal committee, Samways and Fick will then implement a series of Pre-Committee global communication campaigns, targeted at recruiting key committee personnel. Remember, committees need not be composed of only your current staff. At Samways and Fick: Consultants, we have found that the best committees are often people you don’t even know, people who are complete strangers, even people who are foreign and speak strange backwards undeveloped Island languages.
Dr. Fick
We will then reveal our suite of technology tools and employee portals that deliver across the full range of committee alternatives. These services are highly-secretive, however, and may only be revealed to select clients.
Find out if you qualify. Call Samways and Fick: Consultants today.
Samways and Fick: Helping You Reach the Area Near the Top of Your Mountain.
News in Brief
By Brock Belvedere
KEEBAUGH HONORED
Zach Keebaugh got a medallion.
Lankville Daily News columnist Zach Keebaugh received a shimmering medallion last night for his work in the field of investigative reporting. Keebaugh was one of three recipients.
“Yo, it’s good to get out, socialize, get this god damn medallion,” the journalist noted. “I spend an awful lot of time in that overheated hell of an apartment over the knives and puzzles shop, just doing nothing, man. Just sitting around with one of those little plastic games, man. You know, where you got to guide the marble through the maze. God, what a shit show. Who knows, might meet some ladies here, take one of them home, you never can tell, man.”
Keebaugh did not take any ladies home, sources later confirmed.
SAMWAYS AND FICK ISSUES HOLIDAY CARD
A glimpse at the message inside the Samways and Fick Annual Holiday Card.
Samways and Fick, Lankville’s most prestigious consulting firm, issued its annual holiday card today after much anticipation.
“I wrote the interior message myself,” Samways, who was wearing a giant foam jacket, noted. “I think it’s really beautiful and conveys to our clients how much we love them, how much we grow with them and they with us.”
The foam jacket suddenly began to expand and Samways ended the interview prematurely.
Only 300 holiday cards were issued.
“Your business should consider itself very, very lucky to get a Samways and Fick card,” said Barlow Foods CEO John Barlow. “It means that you are at the pinnacle of commerce in Lankville. We, of course, get one every year.”
Samways and Fick has been helping you reach the area near the top of your mountain since last year.
SMALL MOTEL GIRL WRESTLING ROUNDUP
A series of exciting small motel girl wrestling matches were held last night at the El Patio Motel (Room 14) in Capitol City.
Tandy McLemore (14-3) defeated newcomer Peachy Lynn the Bomber (0-1) in the headliner.
“Peachy Lynn tried cornering Tandy between the two double beds,” noted commentator Dick Oakes, Jr. “That’s a real rookie mistake and she paid for it. The area between the double beds is an absolute no-man’s land in small motel girl wrestling.”
McLemore is set to take on The Fabulous Lass (13-2) in January.
Samways and Fick, Consultants: FUN
Business can’t always be about business. A good work-life balance is essential. Samways and Fick, Consultants understands that and it’s why we offer a series of retreat and party options to help bring your organization closer together. Whether it be traditional weekend “bonding sessions”, low-ropes courses, or transvestism, Samways and Fick can help get your company back on track.
RETREATS
Dr. Samways with the cat.
Retreats are fully-integrated fun sessions organized and administered by Dr. Samways and Dr. Fick. Employees enter a large hotel ballroom and find their seating assignments. They will notice right away that the tables are littered with novelty horns, oversized swirly lollipops, and mysterious “prize bags”, thereby alerting your staff that a day of frivolity is ahead. Next, Dr. Samways will appear from behind a curtain wearing a blue wig and holding a large cat. She (and the cat) will entertain, educate and bring your staff closer together utilizing successful time-proven patented techniques.
A small meat lunch will then be served.
Dr. Fick (and the cat) take over in the afternoon. The afternoon session is more rigorous, with staff members invited to air grievances and question authority. As the hours pass, Dr. Fick will then utilize several other successful time-proven patented techniques to bring your staff around to the wrongness of their grievances and the notion that authority is always correct. Your staff will be bound together in these new, proper rules of conduct.
No dinner is served.
PARTIES
Dr. Fick.
If your organization does not wish to make the time commitment to a retreat, then a party may be a better option. At Samways and Fick, we have several collapsible card tables, plastic punch bowls, and tent poles. A low-ropes course will be offered in the comfort and safety of your conference room. Test your staff’s meddle by asking them to balance the tent poles on their index fingers. A great lesson that they can carry on into the future as they approach death.
Our parties are designed to allow your organization to overcome interdepartmental communication breakdowns, hallway fistfighting and trust issues, develop better time management, strengthen teamwork, and more. Dr. Samways and Dr. Fick (and the cat) will create experiences that require these skills to be tested, so that your team will achieve its luscious goals. The parties build self-confidence, trust, vision and the commitment to meet the challenges of working in adverse conditions.
Find out more today by calling Samways and Fick, Consultants.
Helping you reach the area near the top of your mountain.
Samways and Fick: Consultants: PROJECT MANAGEMENT
A Project (our italics) may be defined as any lusty endeavor undertaken to create a unique product, service or result. Project Management is the application of knowledge, booklets, skills, tools, communication and firearms to activities in order to meet project requirements. Organizations that effectively employ project management methodology greatly increase the chances of accomplishing the goals and objectives of any project initiative, thereby bringing your organization closer to the area near the top of your mountain and also the moon (did you notice that we added the moon now?) This discipline fosters understanding by all stakeholders of the project mission (committee members, coordinators, handlers, and outside contractors) and what it will specifically take to accomplish it. By identifying tasks, office chairs, nearness to food and timelines, team members and stakeholders are better able to coordinate and execute on the work to be accomplished, ensuring that the project is completed on time, within budget and with requirements realized. We also have some “GO TEAM” stickers designed to boost production.
Dr. Samways
Samways and Fick offers Project Management services that can lead and coordinate the planning, execution (i.e.– the carrying out or putting into effect the plan, not the carrying out or putting of someone to death), monitoring, interfering with and controlling of your priority initiatives. To identify the need, we ask potential clients to put on the “GO TEAM” stickers, pull on some ropes, describe their greatest challenges or concerns and then to envision life in an altered version of our current world. The ropes are then put into a sack and loaded into the back of Dr. Samways’ tricked-out van.
Now you are ready. The CEO and executive team have prioritized their project needs– Samways and Fick now help them define scope and breadth (we have some long rulers) and forms a project team (keep your stickers around for reference) and will usually staff the team with the organization’s own employees or contractors.
Dr. Fick
Samways and Fick now provides a certified Project Management Professional® to guide the team in creating a big plan designed to accomplish your project goals and objectives. The big plan will typically include a “righteous baseline”, work breakdown responsibility rubric, timeline and budget and some office supplies for your cohorts (each cohort will be assigned a different colorful folder– three tab positions available). Once the plan is approved, the Samways and Fick PMP will then facilitate periodic mandatory team caucuses for purposes of guiding execution through status reporting, pie charts and other monitoring, controlling and restraining activities. Any team member who objects to the caucuses can go work for the fucking post office. Throughout the process the PMP communicates with stakeholders in order to inform, clarify, insist upon and insure integration of project activities and petty handling. Finally, the PMP oversees closure of the project by securing stakeholder and customer approval and recollecting all the colorful folders (making sure all three tab positions are accounted for) for later use.
Samways and Fick: Consultants– Helping You Reach the Area Near the Top of Your Mountain.
Samways and Fick, Consultants: ORGANIZATIONAL DEVELOPMENT
Dr. Samways
In today’s increasingly challenging and competitive business environment, organizations must function more effectively and efficiently than ever before in World History to achieve their strategic goals. With that objective in mind, Samways and Fick, Consultants offers Consortium Enlargement Services® to help companies of all sizes plan, structure, set up posters, and manage those zipper envelopes that you put bank deposits in, in order to dramatically improve their chances for sustainable growth.
Initially, we work with the CEO (fat or thin- Samways and Fick does not discriminate) to gain an understanding of the organization’s past and recent business results, its organizational pyramid, staff performance and coming objectives, both near and long-term and even well into the distant future when there will be more robots. To expand on that knowledge base we conduct a multi-tiered S&F Audit™ (some chairs and tables may be carried away during this process) that involves asking a series of complex questions and presenting a series of word searches and pencil mazes to selected executives, supervisors, front-line employees and, just for kicks, some of the dummies at the bottom. With this audit information we prepare a multi-colored Powerpoint display with animated lasers that is designed to provide the CEO with organization-wide insights on goal calibration, resource allocation, telephones, and, most importantly, new business opportunities and possible land seizures to name a few.
Dr. Fick
With this organizational assessment completed, S&F then works with the CEO’s designated cohort to develop plans and interventions that will address processes, systems and structures that need to be created or improved (we will also bring out the Powerpoint display again). Our goal is to create extreme focus on the organization and to collaboratively develop a more integrated, efficient and effective operating system.
Samways and Fick: Helping You Reach the Area Near the Top of Your Mountain.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Use your new Intermission TV Typewriter to communicate with hot women! Women are lying around, all over Lankville, just waiting for someone to type something on their TV's. It could be you. Available at your neighborhood electronics retailer.
ADVERTISEMENT
Vitiello Decorative Hams "Fall Batch" now available. Home inspection required. Leaves considerably extra. Call East Lankville 3298 or 4151.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
Compliance with subsection: 16.61(2), Lankville statutes.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option on your next job, consider a Chambers Company hand drill. With 3/8" chuck and gun-metal finish, the steel casing of the drill is thick and sturdy for durability and will come in handy for light construction, carpentry and also for DRILLING HOLES IN FENCES TO SEE TITS
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's Barbeque. Waitress needed, someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of questions. Call Hole 9913.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S FRENCH TOAST
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MEAT FRENZY
Call Kelly (male): 5-2614
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK