Archive
Samways and Fick, Consultants: SOCIAL RESPONSIBILITY
As a multinational organization serving companies all over the world, Samways and Fick, Consultants, somewhat recognizes the role that we can all play in developing and investing in local communities. At Samways and Fick, we can help your business set critical internal policies and goals that are socially responsible.
Why care?
Samways and Fick was recently awarded a “Caring Quality Trophy” from the Lankville Mountain Area Charities Aid Foundation for our commitment to fostering a culture of philanthropy in the workplace and for opening doors for lesser-skilled employees like spastics, idiots and pinheads. Our Social Responsibility Program® encompasses a wide range of activities, from our global heavy chemical neutral policy to semi-pro bono consulting and volunteer support for visible charitable organizations. At Samways and Fick, we can implement a Social Responsibility Program to fit your needs.
Society and its Issues
Watch an excerpt of Dr. Fick talking about society (free):
The most important way Samways and Fick can help your business impact society and make a positive difference is through our consulting expertise and advice. Dr. Samways and Dr. Fick are both experts on society. We pass this expertise on to our clients in all types of industry using a technique that we call “Consulting Osmosis®”. Imagine that your business is a sort of long somewhat permeable thin tube full of molasses (or something else really sticky). This tube will begin to swell with knowledge once it comes in contact with Dr. Samways and Dr. Fick. Before long, it will be close to bursting as the knowledge flows through the semi-permeable membrane and into the tube. The molasses will become less sticky, ideas will begin to flow. A fee will be extracted.
Saving Lives
Our work for governmental and non-governmental organizations can help them enhance the value of facilities associated with education, healthcare, poor people transport and furniture. For example, Samways and Fick For Humanity (SFFH) is our organizational arm dedicated to possibly saving children’s lives in impoverished island communities worldwide. We can help your organization learn how to possibly save children’s lives. Think of how good that will look on your website (maybe in a nice colorful banner along one edge).
Call Samways and Fick, Consultants today. We look forward to helping you reach the area near the top of your mountain.
Dr. Samways teaching social responsibility.
Summoning Spirits with Carl Dunn
By Sarah Samways, Contributing Female
While the majority of Lankvillians spent this past Halloween walking around aimlessly, looking for a “good time,” visual artist and occasional occultist, Carl Dunn, spent his morning a little bit differently. Going to the local slaughterhouse, nearby his beloved Fotomat and down around the corner from the Pizza-A-Round, Dunn brought with him a pocket knife, a rare, leather-bound book of demonic chants, and attempted to contact the very face of evil Itself.
Because it’s the New Year, a time teeming with glee, ghosts and alcoholism, I probed Dunn for any tips he had on summoning spirits. He reluctantly obliged.
SS: Why are you doing this?
CD: I’m very creative.
Dunn, standing in front of a wall.
SS: Fair enough. So what happened out there, were you able to bring forth the face of Evil?
CD: Oh yeah, for sure. It wasn’t really talkative though – I should’ve had a plan B. Maybe some notecards so we could engage in small talk or something. I was all prepared for the beginning, ya know, getting ‘im there – I chanted until my tongue was twisted…
SS (nods): The creepy book in Latin, the pocket knife to draw your own blood as an offering…
CD: Yeah, it was great. But then, It like, showed up in this big cloud of fog…just this floating head, really surreal. It had these bright, glowing red eyes and it let out this deafening shriek. If I were a weaker man, I’d have run for the hills, ya know if they weren’t polluted with toxic sludge…
SS: Right, right.
CD: But anyway, It lets out this shriek for about ten minutes and then it just stops, blinks Its eyes and then looks at me. You could practically see the question mark hovering on Its face.
The Face of Evil (file photo)
SS: It wanted to know what you wanted, why you had summoned It…?
CD: Yeah, I think so. But I really had no good answer so I just said, ‘Hey, what’s going on?’ Then it disappeared.
SS: Amazing. Do you have any tips for Lankvillians regarding contacting spirits, the other side, ghosts, and any other odd undead land mammals?
CD: Notecards or a prepared speech, anything topical. I have a feeling that Evil is really interested in politics. Yeah, I’m gonna stick with that. You don’t wanna bore Evil when it finally graces you with Its presence.
SS: Thank you, Carl. As always, you’re a special delight.
Carl then nodded, gave me a pat on the shoulder and went out for a smoke. I preceded to put up special New Year’s tinsel and fuzzy garland, just to make the place look a little more festive. Happy New Year, Lankville!
Committees, Steering Committees, Sub-Committees: Which Do You Need?
Is your business losing hours of productivity trying to decide what type of committee you need? It can be a difficult decision. Would a standing committee work best? What about a steering committee? Or a sub-committee? Would an advisory committee be the way to go? Or should a standards committee be established first? The options can be daunting.
Dr. Samways
Fortunately, Samways and Fick: Consultants are here to help.
Samways and Fick will arrive at your offices (in a van) and immediately establish a Pre-Policy Consulting Committee aimed at learning what Post-Policy Consulting Committee would be best for your company. We know how to ask the pointed questions, write on white boards, and eliminate needless abhorrent detritus to find the committee that is the best fit for you. Samways and Fick: Consultants will then unleash a Pinwheel of Possibilities®– you’ll have to be on your feet! When the Pinwheel of Possibilities® begins spinning, possibilities often carom crazily off walls and even your ceilings. Rest assured, however, a possibility will always fall gently into your lap like a fluffy pillow. Do an internet search for images of fluffy pillows if you need further clarification.
Once we have helped you discover your ideal committee, Samways and Fick will then implement a series of Pre-Committee global communication campaigns, targeted at recruiting key committee personnel. Remember, committees need not be composed of only your current staff. At Samways and Fick: Consultants, we have found that the best committees are often people you don’t even know, people who are complete strangers, even people who are foreign and speak strange backwards undeveloped Island languages.
Dr. Fick
We will then reveal our suite of technology tools and employee portals that deliver across the full range of committee alternatives. These services are highly-secretive, however, and may only be revealed to select clients.
Find out if you qualify. Call Samways and Fick: Consultants today.
Samways and Fick: Helping You Reach the Area Near the Top of Your Mountain.
Samways and Fick, Consultants: FUN
Business can’t always be about business. A good work-life balance is essential. Samways and Fick, Consultants understands that and it’s why we offer a series of retreat and party options to help bring your organization closer together. Whether it be traditional weekend “bonding sessions”, low-ropes courses, or transvestism, Samways and Fick can help get your company back on track.
RETREATS
Dr. Samways with the cat.
Retreats are fully-integrated fun sessions organized and administered by Dr. Samways and Dr. Fick. Employees enter a large hotel ballroom and find their seating assignments. They will notice right away that the tables are littered with novelty horns, oversized swirly lollipops, and mysterious “prize bags”, thereby alerting your staff that a day of frivolity is ahead. Next, Dr. Samways will appear from behind a curtain wearing a blue wig and holding a large cat. She (and the cat) will entertain, educate and bring your staff closer together utilizing successful time-proven patented techniques.
A small meat lunch will then be served.
Dr. Fick (and the cat) take over in the afternoon. The afternoon session is more rigorous, with staff members invited to air grievances and question authority. As the hours pass, Dr. Fick will then utilize several other successful time-proven patented techniques to bring your staff around to the wrongness of their grievances and the notion that authority is always correct. Your staff will be bound together in these new, proper rules of conduct.
No dinner is served.
PARTIES
Dr. Fick.
If your organization does not wish to make the time commitment to a retreat, then a party may be a better option. At Samways and Fick, we have several collapsible card tables, plastic punch bowls, and tent poles. A low-ropes course will be offered in the comfort and safety of your conference room. Test your staff’s meddle by asking them to balance the tent poles on their index fingers. A great lesson that they can carry on into the future as they approach death.
Our parties are designed to allow your organization to overcome interdepartmental communication breakdowns, hallway fistfighting and trust issues, develop better time management, strengthen teamwork, and more. Dr. Samways and Dr. Fick (and the cat) will create experiences that require these skills to be tested, so that your team will achieve its luscious goals. The parties build self-confidence, trust, vision and the commitment to meet the challenges of working in adverse conditions.
Find out more today by calling Samways and Fick, Consultants.
Helping you reach the area near the top of your mountain.
Samways and Fick, Consultants: ELECTRONIC LEARNING
Dr. Samways
Training is essential to any growing organization. Building your team, outfitting them in white polo shirts with mountains on them and having the right skills and abilities in place combined with high-quality and moderately effective training is fundamental to your success. An untrained employee can cost your company downtime, loyal customers, office chairs, merchandise, AND your reputation (they also often cause fires). However, traditional “electronic training platforms” can be expensive, time consuming, incomprehensible, inconvenient and leave you with nothing but a pile of papers and senseless scribbled notes as you quiver mass-like beneath your desk in a puddle of your own abominable excreta.
Samways and Fick, Consultants can help alleviate this common problem. With electronic training capabilities, employees are able to access a colorful interactive educational curriculum (our platform has a jovial cartoon horse narrator) that is outside of the traditional classroom setting and at their own convenience. Samways and Fick, Consultants has partnered with Samways and Fick: Solutions to provide you with innovative and targeted online learning and development strategies that shy away from ponderous lecture and repetition and instead blitz the user with a series of fast-moving screens intended to jackhammer the information directly into the subconsciousness of the employee (while amusing him on the conscious plane– remember, the horse).
Dr. Fick
Once the pulverizing information session is completed, we offer a range of follow-up training solutions, developed by experienced instructional designers in the Outlands that are effective and deliver results – solutions that ramp up productivity, slam performance in the ass and impact your bottom line. And that is guaranteed.
Samways and Fick: Helping You Reach the Area Near the Top of Your Mountain.
Samways and Fick: Consultants: PROJECT MANAGEMENT
A Project (our italics) may be defined as any lusty endeavor undertaken to create a unique product, service or result. Project Management is the application of knowledge, booklets, skills, tools, communication and firearms to activities in order to meet project requirements. Organizations that effectively employ project management methodology greatly increase the chances of accomplishing the goals and objectives of any project initiative, thereby bringing your organization closer to the area near the top of your mountain and also the moon (did you notice that we added the moon now?) This discipline fosters understanding by all stakeholders of the project mission (committee members, coordinators, handlers, and outside contractors) and what it will specifically take to accomplish it. By identifying tasks, office chairs, nearness to food and timelines, team members and stakeholders are better able to coordinate and execute on the work to be accomplished, ensuring that the project is completed on time, within budget and with requirements realized. We also have some “GO TEAM” stickers designed to boost production.
Dr. Samways
Samways and Fick offers Project Management services that can lead and coordinate the planning, execution (i.e.– the carrying out or putting into effect the plan, not the carrying out or putting of someone to death), monitoring, interfering with and controlling of your priority initiatives. To identify the need, we ask potential clients to put on the “GO TEAM” stickers, pull on some ropes, describe their greatest challenges or concerns and then to envision life in an altered version of our current world. The ropes are then put into a sack and loaded into the back of Dr. Samways’ tricked-out van.
Now you are ready. The CEO and executive team have prioritized their project needs– Samways and Fick now help them define scope and breadth (we have some long rulers) and forms a project team (keep your stickers around for reference) and will usually staff the team with the organization’s own employees or contractors.
Dr. Fick
Samways and Fick now provides a certified Project Management Professional® to guide the team in creating a big plan designed to accomplish your project goals and objectives. The big plan will typically include a “righteous baseline”, work breakdown responsibility rubric, timeline and budget and some office supplies for your cohorts (each cohort will be assigned a different colorful folder– three tab positions available). Once the plan is approved, the Samways and Fick PMP will then facilitate periodic mandatory team caucuses for purposes of guiding execution through status reporting, pie charts and other monitoring, controlling and restraining activities. Any team member who objects to the caucuses can go work for the fucking post office. Throughout the process the PMP communicates with stakeholders in order to inform, clarify, insist upon and insure integration of project activities and petty handling. Finally, the PMP oversees closure of the project by securing stakeholder and customer approval and recollecting all the colorful folders (making sure all three tab positions are accounted for) for later use.
Samways and Fick: Consultants– Helping You Reach the Area Near the Top of Your Mountain.
STAR SIGHTING AT PIZZA A-ROUND, GARLIC BREAD CONSUMED
By Sarah Samways, Contributing Female
Popular motivational speaker and local “financeteer,” Brian 4 Ever, made a rare appearance at the Pizza A-Round last night. Also spotted were Computer Computer Paper CEO Amanda Burgess, Tammy La Hoyt of Tammy’s Nails, LDN’s own cuisine writer Brian Schropp, and President Albert Pondicherry. Yes, the stars were certainly out in honor of the pizza establishment’s recent “C-” grade from the Board of Health, (the highest grade its seen in months). Coinciding with this was the Computer Computer Paper company’s annual Midnight Snack/Employee Appreciation Seminar, aiming to “celebrate good employees and belittle bad ones all while enjoying a light nosh.” 4 Ever was the head lecturer for the event.
“Tomorrow I will be another year older and thankfully, a little bit wiser,” said 4 Ever in an indistinct Southern Lankville accent.
“I’ve come out here tonight, standing on a precipice, to share my priceless advice on how to live your life to its fullest! How to become all that you can be! There are several steps to success and it starts with money and it ends with money and in between that are empty pizza boxes, a cleansing, burning sensation, a couple of songs, and a limited time offer. Tell me people, are you ready to change your life?”
At the height of his speech, 4 Ever then proceeded to remove his suit to reveal a simple black cocktail dress as Burgess urged pizza patrons to try some of 4 Ever’s “miracle hand lotion.”
Computer Computer Paper
“This is a risk-free, low-commitment, time-sensitive deal here. For just five installments of $19.99, you can change your life! The burning is only an indication of toxins being removed from the body, you’re getting cleaner as we speak,” Burgess coaxed a clearly agitated onlooker, while globbing some of the lotion into his hands.
After the speech was over, refreshments and slices of garlic bread were served, autographs were signed and photographs were offered with 4 Ever and Burgess at a discounted fare of $49.99, special for the occasion. Number-one-fan, Katrina Hall, excitedly emptied her purse to the duo.
“I’ve been following Brian 4 Ever on tour for about seven years now. His talks are so inspirational! I’ve bought all his products! I even got myself a job as a secretary at the Computer Computer Paper company just so I could witness his talks on the business circuit. Of course, I ended up losing that position because I would sneak into the conference room for his lectures and let all of (Burgess’s) calls go to voicemail…But, ya know, there are no hard feelings.”
The Pizza A-Round, pleased with the night’s events, is stated to be in the process of making a commemorative “Pizza Pizza 4 Ever,” a pie that can only be described by the chef as “never-ending.” Details will be released at a later date.
Lankville Talks Back
By Brock Belvedere
The Lankville Presidential Election is heating up. Incumbent Pondicherry is currently in the lead with Royer and Hadbawnik tied for second. Polls close on Thursday and the winner will be announced on Friday via this publication as well as through our sister pundit, The Boston Hassle. You’ve seen the attack ads, now let’s see what Lankvillians have to say about the candidates.
DAVID HADBAWNIK, GOURD
Sarah Samways
“I voted for David. Think he’s been running a strong campaign from the very beginning. He obviously has concerns about the environment. Nobody else has even mentioned the Lankvillian smog. He just seems like a regular guy you’d go and have Kombucha with at the local artisanal cheese shop. He’d make a fine President. Now, personally, I took issue with the fact that he helped to out my affair with Ashley Pfeiffers’ boyfriend but in hindsight, I’m glad he did. (He) was an absolute bore anyway. It just goes to show you, how uncompromised Hadbawnik’s ethics are – he can’t be bought, believe me I tried!” – Sarah Samways, Samways & Fick Consultants
ALBERT PONDICHERRY, MODERATION
“Great men should remain in positions of power for as long as possible. Change is overrated. Besides, Pondicherry is the only person to ever come down to my basement to browse my extensive vintage electronics collection. He even bought an old model Reckoner! He’s a man with great taste in polyester and has never once made me feel awkward about my sweat gland issue!” – Neil Cuppy, The Electronics Cranny
Neil Cuppy
“The Pizza-A-Round fully endorses Albert Pondicherry for President of Lankville. He supports local businesses, mostly the back of the house where there are good hiding places and a couple of random holes in the wall but nevertheless, he bought 72 pizzas for our little league team! Now, this is the off-season but he hand delivered every single one of those pies to each player’s home. Yes, it was 10:30 at night but his heart was in the right place – it always is.” – Pizza-A-Round
RANDY PENDLETON, LANKVILLE HERITAGE
“Goddamn motherlusting idiots! Pendleton is the only man for the job! He ain’t afraid to speak his mind. You got a problem with that, pal? Go back to whatever hut you were born in. Lankville needs to get back to its roots and become number one again. Pendleton is a guy who can roll with the punches and I like that, I like it a lot.” – Dick La Hoyt
AMANDA JENNIFERS, MORALITY
“I hereby declare myself as the most qualified candidate for President of Lankville. While the other candidates have their hands in jars of old money, mine are clean and ready for your examination. I don’t need to pay for endorsements; Lankville is ready for a new voice – a clear, well-educated, hard-working, voice that will stand up for them. Plus, I’m female and we all know what an asset that is in politics.” – Amanda Jennifers
RIC ROYER, HELL
Dr. Kevin Thurston
“Ric’s been a patient of mine for some time and I’ve gotta say, he’s made some tremendous strides. Just yesterday, while doing some breathing exercises, he purchased a Feelings Trigger-Sphere (basketball), and a carafe of stale ginger ale, which at a combined total of $39.99 is an absolute steal. I spoke with him softly, merely above a whisper, as he explained his horrible dreams for Lankville. Now, I’m not registered to vote, because I feel competition, in general, can harbor some of our more yucky feelings but I’m not opposed to you doing so, Brock. In fact, I have these nice, antique quill pens that you can fill out your ballot with for a limited time offer price of $27.85…” – Dr. Kevin Thurston, Men’s Feelings Expert
New Presidential Poll Issued Today
Buck Igloos
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Lankville’s first national Presidential poll was issued this morning.
The Poll, designed in a joint effort by The Lankville Daily News, the Meulens-LaPoint Quotient Studios, and Samways and Fick: Consultants, is the first attempt to measure popular opinion for the 2016 race.
“We’re hoping it will give us a sense of who Lankville is seriously considering,” said Sarah Samways of Samways and Fick: Consultants, who was interviewed while watching a game show. “Right now, I think the public is sort of in the dark about who…”
Samways became distracted as the game show had proceeded to a “fast money” round. The interview was ended prematurely.
The poll will include prominent candidates such as President Pondicherry, Randy Pendleton, Amanda Jennifers, and Ric Royer but also lesser candidates such as David Hadbawnik, Dr. Nickelbee, and Sturdy Teddy.
Polling will end Thursday and results will be announced by The Lankville Daily News on Friday.
Participate in the poll by reading the information below:
Samways and Fick, Consultants: ORGANIZATIONAL DEVELOPMENT
Dr. Samways
In today’s increasingly challenging and competitive business environment, organizations must function more effectively and efficiently than ever before in World History to achieve their strategic goals. With that objective in mind, Samways and Fick, Consultants offers Consortium Enlargement Services® to help companies of all sizes plan, structure, set up posters, and manage those zipper envelopes that you put bank deposits in, in order to dramatically improve their chances for sustainable growth.
Initially, we work with the CEO (fat or thin- Samways and Fick does not discriminate) to gain an understanding of the organization’s past and recent business results, its organizational pyramid, staff performance and coming objectives, both near and long-term and even well into the distant future when there will be more robots. To expand on that knowledge base we conduct a multi-tiered S&F Audit™ (some chairs and tables may be carried away during this process) that involves asking a series of complex questions and presenting a series of word searches and pencil mazes to selected executives, supervisors, front-line employees and, just for kicks, some of the dummies at the bottom. With this audit information we prepare a multi-colored Powerpoint display with animated lasers that is designed to provide the CEO with organization-wide insights on goal calibration, resource allocation, telephones, and, most importantly, new business opportunities and possible land seizures to name a few.
Dr. Fick
With this organizational assessment completed, S&F then works with the CEO’s designated cohort to develop plans and interventions that will address processes, systems and structures that need to be created or improved (we will also bring out the Powerpoint display again). Our goal is to create extreme focus on the organization and to collaboratively develop a more integrated, efficient and effective operating system.
Samways and Fick: Helping You Reach the Area Near the Top of Your Mountain.
Samways and Fick, Consultants: RECRUITING SERVICES
Dr. Fick
Recruiting is a systematic process that begins the moment an opening is identified and does not end until the new hire’s fuckability has been completely analysed. Samways and Fick, Consultants can help you through the process.
Following a recruitment plan and pairing it with a robust “onboarding” GO TEAM™ (trademark in capitals only) program is the best assurance for a successful hire. Samways and Fick, Consultants will somewhat carefully structure a recruitment plan that sometimes maps out the strategy for attracting and hiring the most physically attractive candidate and helps to ensure a diverse applicant pool that includes women, Islanders, bums, Winter People, bumpkins and other underrepresented groups including veterans, people missing limbs, and the retarded.
As HR (Human Resources) recruiters at Samways and Fick, Consultants, we focus our efforts on filling positions within your company by matching the perfect attractive candidate to the most high-profile job. In order for this matching process to be successful, our HR recruiting professionals (Dr. Samways and Dr. Fick and a couple of interns that we can never remember the names of) work to develop and sustain a partnership with you, the client company. We may suggest conference room “team-building” games with ropes, bed sheets, and little funny cars or we may administer extremely difficult cognitive tests and display the results around town on posters.
Dr. Samways
After gaining a thorough understanding of your industry, vision, goals, culture and what’s inside your office kitchen, we then create and implement a customized recruiting process that is able to source, screen, interview, vet, measure, and put forward the most qualified candidate to fill the identified position or positions. Samways and Fick, Consultants recruitment support provides you with an essential component for your future business success.
Samways and Fick: Helping You Reach the Area Near the Top of Your Mountain
Samways and Fick: Consultants (A PAID ADVERTISEMENT)
Samways and Fick, Inc.
Dr. Samways
Helping You Reach the Area Near the Top of Your Mountain
S&F INC. believes that leaders deserve to have a high-performing team and we help them (the leaders) to place the right people in the right seats doing the right things in the right foundation at the right time and in the right climate.
“Working with Samways and Fick: Consultants proved to be a weird yet insightful experience. The team was simple to work with, arrived on a bus and forged a process that was unique to our needs. They had embroidered shirts with mountains on them. They matched our tasks to other people’s tasks, thus bringing everybody together as one. I recommend them enthusiastically for anyone who is interested in a complimentary sack lunch and a free tote bag.” – Suzy, East Lankville
(REAL TESTIMONIAL)
Why we do what we do:
We believe in our clients’ potential. Our clients can do anything that they set their minds to – and by golly, do we mean ANYTHING! There’s really no holding them back, (even if others would prefer that they did). No, if it’s the stars that they want – it’s the galaxy that they shall consume! We love meeting new people.
How our clients benefit:
Our clients are our top priority…when there’s nothing good on television, after dinner usually. As a client of S&F INC., you’ll reap the rewards of a top-of-the-line, state-of-the-art, fully integrated, emotionally toiling, no-strings-attached relationship. We only have your best interests at heart; trust us, it’s better this way.
What we do:
Dr. Fick
We eliminate waste on a regular, daily schedule – a move that positively affects the bottom line. Implementing our Core Values™, we’ve helped thousands of companies cut costs and rebuild infrastructure. Our approval rate is well within the profit margin and our numbers (9 – 86) are through the roof! Do not hesitate to make an appointment with us today! S&F INC: Helping You Reach the Area Near the Top of Your Mountain, Since 2014.
Core Values
- Quality
- Accountability
- Balance
- Food (small)
- Team
- Lighting
- Fun
- Meeting Customer Expectations
- Collaboration
- Bathrooms
OPINION: I’ve Been Punched in the Mouth While Photocopying My Ass Before, I’ll Be Punched in the Mouth While Photocopying My Ass Again
By Dick La Hoyt
OUTSTANDING OPINIONS
Yeah, I’m serving notice to that asspipe co-worker of mine down at the Tire Shredding Plant. Guess what, dickhead? I’ve been punched in the mouth while photocopying my ass before and I’ll sure as shit be punched in the mouth while photocopying my ass again.
Let me break it down for you. We got a new copy machine down at the Tire Shredding Plant. You oughta’ see this beauty. First off, she’s a Danny Madison Crusader with the HD color touchscreen– must have set the company back a pretty penny, I’ll tell you. This baby’s got a 1600 sheet capacity– seriously, they’re not assing around, man. You got a resolution of 1200 x 1200 dpi, page output of up to 6000 sheets a month, SVGA LCD graphics, the whole bit– one of the guys in the office even told me that the damn thing’ll order you up a pizza from anywhere in Lankville. It’s a serious piece of equipment.
Anyway, as soon as the office cleared out at five, me and Jimmy Balances from over in tire receiving had to christen the bad boy. Jimmy breaks out a couple of beers from the little fridge and we went in and dropped our drawers. “Shit, you go first, Dick,” he said.
So, I plopped my ass on the glass, as they say and Jimmy hit COPY. Out comes the god damnest picture I ever seen and believe me, I’ve christened many a new photocopier in my 22 years here at the Tire Shredding Plant.
“It’s beautiful, man,” Jimmy said.
“Sure as shit,” I said, downing the rest of my beer.
Well, the next thing we know this white-collar prick that I done never seen before comes in. Me and Jimmy still got our drawers down. I’m still sitting on the copier.
“What are you doing?” the guy yells. “Who are you two? Who are your superiors?”
“Hey man,” I said, holding up the copy of my ass. “Just giving your new girl a ride here. Check it out.”
I couldn’t believe it none. The sonuvabitch wasn’t impressed at all. Matter of fact, he was threatening us with all kinds of trouble.
“And you’re drinking on the job!” he said.
“Hey man, this here is Dick La Hoyt’s time,” I said. I got down off the machine and jacked up my drawers. “You got a problem with that, then maybe we’re gonna’ need to settle it outside.”
“Are you threatening me?”
“Maybe I am. What you gonna’ do about it, standing around in your monkey suit, man?”
“I’m not wearing a tuxedo,” he said.
“Oh yeah?” I decided to let him have it. “Did you leave it at home with Mama?”
The guys looks at the floor. Next thing I know, BAM, he punches me right in the mouth.
I couldn’t believe it. I fell like a god damn bag of sand. My beer went flying off and onto the floor.
Then, to make matters worse, the assbagger reported both me and Jimmy. We both got cursed up and down and sent home early. Didn’t matter none– I put up a new shelf for some of Tammy’s crafts– Dick La Hoyt doesn’t waste a day crying over spilled milk.
But I just want that piece of shit to know it– I’ve been punched in the mouth while photocopying my ass before and I’ll sure as Christ be punched in the mouth while photocopying my ass again.
OPINION: I’m Making that Good Toilet Money
By Suzy Sweetly-Services
I was reading hieroglyphics that were carved into a broom, out loud and to myself nonchalantly. The floor was filthy but nobody else was going to put the cakes in these urinals. There are just some things that some people aren’t willing to do in this life and that’s where I come in. I’m phenomenal and you know in your gut that it’s true. I suffered injuries on the job, most recently a bruise to the areola. Like everything else, you have to brush it off in order to focus on the bigger picture. Its coloration matched the scrapes on my neck anyway. I’m tougher than I look.
I’m making that good toilet money and everybody knows it. I stay up real late and get up real early and I go to work, like it’s nobody’s business – because it isn’t, nobody keeps these kind of hours. Except when they do. I was cleaning some thrones at the University, around 5AM, when two people walked out of a single stall, pale and wonky-eyed.
“I partied so hard last night,” said one to the other, exhausted.
Suzy’s making that good toilet money.
“Yeah, I can see that,” replied the friend looking back towards my fate soon to come.
They proceeded to head to the sinks, holding each other up, slinking slowly past me. I sighed; I moved closer. I gave myself a pep talk and thought of the aphorisms I once wrote on a mirror when I felt like I needed that sort of thing. I thought of my foggy breath creating condensation, my fingers gingerly creating truths across the glass…it was all very zen. I took one last breath and stepped inside. Death itself encapsulated me.
I looked upward and saw a couple of ancient mark-makings, they were crude yet beautiful. One was of a man holding a Reckoner high above his head while standing on a grassy hill. The other was of a four-eyed monster with large genitalia, from both sexes, staring into a handheld mirror – seemingly alarmed and aroused at what it saw, all at once. As I scrubbed the filth away, I continued to look upwards and make up little stories in my head.
Now, I’d love to share these tales with you but I’ve got twenty more stalls to clean.
Tissues N’ Tantrums,
Suzy
THIS JUST IN!
Sarah Samways, Contributing Female, crying while underwater.
GIRL SPILLS MILK, CRIES FOR DAYS
Resident “sad girl”, Desdemona Dylan, 19, is reported to have suffered from severe ennui with a touch of a hysteria after spilling a glass of almond milk yesterday morning. Too absorbed in a book of poetry that she was reading, she failed to see where the edge of her kitchen table was and placed the glass down into thin air. Gravity withstanding, the glass shattered onto the hardwood floor and all its contents went to waste. Dylan’s cat got frightened and ran out of the room. Witnesses were on the scene.
“She’s having a really hard time right now,” said an unnamed roommate of Dylan’s, “that was the last of her almond milk until she gets paid from CafHey!, that donut shop that she works at. It’s a big loss.”
Dylan, the sad girl, crying (file photo).
“They make all the girls wear these tight shirts and black yoga pants in order to make tips at the drive-thru window,” claimed Dylan, in between sobs, “and they make sure all the products are up on the highest shelves so when you reach up to get stuff for customers, you’re pretty much always giving them a peek at something. The manager always adjusts our name tags while breathing really heavily and I’m pretty sure I saw a hole in the wall of the employee bathroom. But it’s like, a job so…”
Upon hearing these allegations, CafHey! could not be reached for comments. A crowdsourcing fund to help Dylan get another carton of milk is in the works.
MIRACLE MONEY FLIES STRAIGHT OUT FROM AREA WOMAN’S ASS
Sources are reporting a strange event that occurred at approximately 6PM last night. Area woman, Felicity Finch, 36, compounded by debt and demons, began to excrete twenty dollar bills in quick succession.
“It was quite a scene,” said on-looker Bill Golden, “I was just walking through the park and all of a sudden I see this woman hunched over in pain and then begin to shoot money out of her ass. It was disturbing but fortuitous and, to be frank, I did kind of enjoy it. Things haven’t really gone as I had hoped.”
The event lasted for a good hour and a half and resulted in a pile of money totalling over a thousand dollars. Finch was immediately taken to the hospital via ambulance and was fully examined. Dr. Punav Suresh, the first on the scene, was baffled.
“I’ve never seen anything like this before. The patient did not consume money because she didn’t have any to begin with. What appears to have happened is that due to the high volume of stress caused from the constant chatter of bill collectors, student loans, and random people hitting her up for money, her body took over and provided. It provided in a big way. We are only just beginning to understand the miracles of human anatomy. The body can heal itself in all kinds of amazing ways. All her problems are solved and she looks great.”
The Lankville Daily News soon realized that this sounded like an allegory for prostitution and gave Dr. Suresh a finger wag and a furrowed brow like you wouldn’t believe.
LOCAL TEENS MUMBLE, “GIRL BAND” IN SIGHT
Some local teenage girls were seen breaking beer bottles with baseball bats in an empty parking lot yesterday afternoon. Stolen grocery store carriages were being used for transportation and candy was consumed. One girl was heard to be devising an all-girl punk band for sport and spite, the others agreed reluctantly.
“We can’t play the instruments, but we can learn,” the leader said triumphantly, “We may not know how to read music, but I hear it’s all self-explanatory! We may not have a place to practice but we can break into people’s basements after work! So we have nothing to say, we’ll lead agonizing lives intentionally until we do have something to say! We may be ugly and have crippling stage fright and be kinda dumb, we’ll just put bags over our heads so the audience doesn’t have to see us and we don’t have to see them!”
Running out of breath, the leader collapsed onto the pavement. The other teens mumbled and began taking selfies. The “meeting” later reconvened and everyone forgot what was said.
“We should totally start a band,” said one.
The leader later died.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Use your new Intermission TV Typewriter to communicate with hot women! Women are lying around, all over Lankville, just waiting for someone to type something on their TV's. It could be you. Available at your neighborhood electronics retailer.
ADVERTISEMENT
Vitiello Decorative Hams "Fall Batch" now available. Home inspection required. Leaves considerably extra. Call East Lankville 3298 or 4151.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
Compliance with subsection: 16.61(2), Lankville statutes.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option on your next job, consider a Chambers Company hand drill. With 3/8" chuck and gun-metal finish, the steel casing of the drill is thick and sturdy for durability and will come in handy for light construction, carpentry and also for DRILLING HOLES IN FENCES TO SEE TITS
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's Barbeque. Waitress needed, someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of questions. Call Hole 9913.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S FRENCH TOAST
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MEAT FRENZY
Call Kelly (male): 5-2614
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK