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PEOPLE OF LANKVILLE: There’s a First Time for Everything

May 31, 2017 Leave a comment

Brock Belvedere

LDN: What is your name and what do you do?

BB: My name is Brock Belvedere, Jr. and I was a journalist.

LDN: So, I guess I’ll get right to the point, Brock. People really want to know if you’re dead or not.

BB: I am.

LDN: Seems impossible.

BB: There’s a first time for everything.

LDN: What’s dead being like?

BB: It’s alright. It’s really hard to get anything good to eat though. The only options are fast food subs and candy. And there’s no water. Just sodas.

LDN: Have you had any luck trying to convince girls to go out with you? I know you’ve gone as high as offering to pay 75% of all expenses.

BB: It’s tough. I have an unusual face. Takes some getting used to. But sometimes they come around. I did recently get a haircut.

LDN: It looks the same as in your photograph.

BB:  Yes. Your point?

LDN: Anything else you’d like to add?

BB:  My sudden death has been difficult on my dear mother. And, unfortunately, the backwards thinking wretches at the Pizza A’Round are no longer allowing her to spend eight hours in the dining room while I run errands. The blatant ageism is quite shocking in our supposedly advanced society.

LDN: Alright.

The interview collapsed.

Panda Thinks Puppets Are Real

July 13, 2016 Leave a comment
Brock Belvedere

Brock Belvedere, Jr.

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

A pair of panda puppets made to look like real pandas are feeding tidbits of bamboo and candy to an actual month-old panda sources are confirming. The Lankville Daily News rushed right over to cover this important story at the request of our editors.

Officials at the Lankville Memorial Discount Zoo, a facility which works with endangered species when other zoos are closed, say this is no joke. They say the lessons learned by the puppet feedings may have an impact on saving the Lankville Monstrous Panda of which there are only a few hundred left in captivity. The officials went on for hours about their puppets and, at the request of our editors, we stayed to listen.

Zoo spokesman Sharon Quade-Mannion (7 out of 10) explained that the egg containing the baby panda (named “David”) was whisked away from its panda mother in a ruse called “double heaving”. At the request of our editors, we asked a follow-up question and Quade-Mannion explained the process.

“It’s simple, really. You heave an object, usually something like a chair or an ottoman, away from the mama panda and then you quickly heave another similar object. The panda becomes distracted and that’s when you snatch up that egg,” she noted. “This causes the panda to lay a second replacement egg and she sits on that egg, so she’s not really troubled by the whole process,” she added.

Quade-Mannion demonstrated the technique and, at the request of the editors, we took notes.

David, who was easily fooled.

David, who was easily fooled.

“David was born two weeks later,” said Quade-Mannion, her skin glistening with sweat from the earlier heaving. “And that’s where Joyce Mitchell-Teufel comes in.”

At the request of our editors, we were forced to ask about Ms. Mitchell-Teufel.

Turns out, Mitchell-Teufel is known as “The Puppet Lady of the Western Valley”. We copied this sobriquet down at the request of our editors. She designed a pair of panda puppets to act as “parental simulacrum” for David.

“Pandas are very easy to fool,” Mitchell-Teufel (3 out of 10) noted. “David took to them [the parents] right away!”

“And the rest, as they say, is history!” Quade-Mannion averred.

“Panda history!” Mitchell-Teufel added.

The two women began laughing hysterically and, at the request of our editors, we copied down an entire page of “ha ha’s”.

This reporter then headed straight to a nearby tavern to capture a little “local flavor”.  But not before phoning this breaking story in immediately to the editors who will doubtless send it forth to an anxiously-awaiting public.

The Complete Brock Belvedere Death Notices

June 1, 2016 2 comments
Brock Belvedere

Brock Belvedere 1943-2016

April 12, 2016

Friends, I’m saddened to report that Brock Belvedere was electrocuted last night. He is currently in Room 065 (basement) at Greater Lankville Plains Less Expensive Hospital. I saw him this morning and he looked as good as could be expected. If you want to send him anything, I remember he once expressed great admiration for balloons, so that might be the best way to go. I’ll keep you posted.

April 13, 2016

An update on our friend Brock Belvedere, who was electrocuted last night.

I went back to see Brock this afternoon but he was not in his room. When I inquired at the darkened nurses’ stand, I was told that Brock had been “misplaced”. “We lost him,” the nurse said. “Sorry.” They hope to find Brock later this evening. Before he was misplaced, the nurse noted that he was feeling slightly better and that he even sat up in bed and drank a big soda.

I hope to have another update for you all in the morning.

April 13, 2016

Friends– an update on dear Brock Belvedere, who was electrocuted two days ago.

First off, Brock has been found!!! He was accidentally thrown away by an over-eager janitor and, fortunately, an intern came upon him, nestled in the bin on top of some discarded food. They cleaned him up and I’m happy to say, placed him in the only available room (which is in the psychiatric bad manners ward on the first floor). I brought Brock some breakfast cake this morning but he was still in a semi-conscious state, so I ended up eating the cake myself. Our dear friend looks better– his skin has a certain sheen that I appreciated but it is still very, very grey. I am hoping that the fluids they are pumping into Brock (strangely, three lines are going into his arms causing some visible swelling) will help him. I will have an update a little later.

April 14, 2016

Brock Belvedere ceremonial collectible keepsake.

Brock Belvedere ceremonial collectible keepsake.

Everyone– it is with deep sorrow that I must inform you that our dear friend Brock Belvedere has died.

Friends are invited to call at the Life Lessons Funeral Home (ceremonial collectible funeral keepsake attached) tomorrow and Friday from 1-3, 5-7, and 11-1.

Brock seemed to be improving this morning but I am told he took a turn for the worse after lunch. “His skin began to take on the color of a dried sponge,” one nurse noted. “He began to sort of fold in on himself,” another added.

He died at 2:16 LST.

Goodnight, friend.

April 14, 2016

Friends– an update on the viewing of dear Brock Belvedere, today and Friday at the Life Lessons Funeral Home.

Brock had a little cash in his wallet so, in accordance to what we think his wishes may have been, we decided to have a box lunch for his friends. We are taking orders now.

Lunch will be provided by the catering division of Vitiello Decorative Hams, Inc. Below are the options:

-Turkey Club on a sliced decorative ham: Turkey, bacon ,swiss-like cheese, lettuce & tomato on a flaky decorative ham with fruit, chips, cookies and a bottled water.

-Honey Mustard Chicken: Marinated/grilled honey mustard filet on a sliced, crisp decorative ham with muenster-like cheese, whole real fruits, chips, cookies and a bottled water.

– The Vitiello Combo: Turkey, Swiss-like cheese, dijon-like mustard on a petite sliced and breaded decorative ham with cheddar-like cheese on the side, a fruit, chips, cake substance and a bottled water.12961637_1194170930604027_8967629342013025933_n

-Vegetables: Just a plate of mildly steamed vegetables, poorly presented (Vitiello Decorative Hams detests vegetarians).

Please RSVP your choice to Devon Fick using the “comment” option. As you can see (attached), I am keeping very careful track of the selections utilizing Excel Spreadsheets with complex summation formulas so that I can instantly tabulate final food totals.

God Bless our Friend.

April 14, 2016

Brock Belvedere Bereavement Frisbees

Brock Belvedere Bereavement Frisbees

Friends– we now have a quantity of Brock Belvedere Bereavement Frisbees available. Remember our departed loved one with these flying discs made of durable environmentally-friendly cross-woven plastic. We only have orange right now. 9 1/4″ diameter (standard).
$12.99, 8 for $59.99.

April 14, 2016
Friends– we also have a small quantity of Brock Belvedere beer cozies. We all remember how much Brock liked to keep his hands warm and dry while his drinks maintained a cold temperature. And now, you can honor his memory by doing the same. Made with the well-known wetsuit material crafted in the Western Lankville Rubber Regions, these can coolers feature 3mm walls, fit up to 12 oz. cans, and are sewn together for a secure hold. They are available in colors that include white, black, blue, neon pink, yellow, camo, turquoise and others.

RIP, dear friend.

April 15, 2016

Friends, the first viewing for Brock Belvedere was an unprecedented success. So many vivid memories, textures and feelings. I know we all had a wonderful time (especially at the 11-1 session).

Remember, if you couldn’t make it yesterday, you can still look at Brock’s lifeless body today from 1-3, 5-7, and 11-1 at the Life Lessons Funeral Home in the Southern Lankville Marshland Area. We have also set up a “Brock Belvedere Bereavement Shop” where you can pick up a number of terrific items including the Brock Belvedere “Thanks Brock” basketballs, the Bereavement Frisbees and the beer cozies. Plus, we’re offering a package deal. Get all three for just $29.99 (limited quantities, one per bereaved).

 

Gone are the Thanksgiving Hams Says Local Worker: Weepy Stories of the Holiday

November 25, 2015 Leave a comment
By Brock Belvedere

By Brock Belvedere

WEEPY STORIES OF THE HOLIDAY

Sherman Fenanigans is a thin, wiry man who looks every one of his 58 years. He sports unfashionable aviator glasses, repaired many times with tape and a faded grey uniform that has been brushed so often that the bare fibers are now visible. His paper hat is dented and creased.

Sherman has been in charge of cakes at the Barlow Foods Lankville Heights location for 32 years. “I don’t bake the cakes,” he is quick to clarify. “My authority kicks in once the cakes have been removed from the oven but before they have been placed in the cardboard containers.”

He has a family of eight to support. The holidays are a particularly difficult time. And they have been made more difficult since Barlow Foods, a multi-billion dollar corporation, did away with holiday bonuses.

“It’s been about five years since they did that,” said Fenanigans, who was interviewed while watching carefully over the display case of cakes as the brisk mid-morning crowd passed by. “We used to count on that.”

“Tell us about that?” we probed.

Fenanigans at work. He has just dropped a cake into some vegetables.

Fenanigans at work. He has just dropped a cake into some vegetables.

“Well, for the first 10 years, they gave us a Christmas turkey. Every year. Then, they said they couldn’t do it anymore, so they gave us Thanksgiving hams. That went on for about five years. Then, they said they couldn’t get the hams anymore but that they’d give us $10 and we could buy our own hams. That went on for another two, maybe three years. Then, they stopped giving us the $10.”

Fenanigans paused to let the weight of the sad tale sink in. It didn’t. I was genuinely flummoxed by his statement.

“What happened to the hams?” I asked.

“As I said, they stopped buying them for us.”

I still was vastly confused.

“Well, I mean, what happened to the hams they were supposed to buy for you?” I probed.

He looked at me. “What do you mean, what happened to ’em? They didn’t buy ’em.”

That’s when the picture started to become clear.

“Oh, I see. So, someone else bought them.”

“Well, yeah, I guess,” he said. “I have no idea.”

I wanted to understand further. “So, it freed up hams that just went back into the general pool of available public hams?”

I wanted to understand further. “So, it freed up hams that just went back into the general pool of available public hams?”

“Yeah, basically. And, so now we still have ham for Thanksgiving but it takes away money we could have spent on additional side dishes.”

He broke down then. He had to take a moment to collect himself. He handed his paper hat to me and asked me to mind the cake case. I did the best I could but I became so overwhelmed that I basically gave away all the cakes and made all kinds of additional wild promises. A manager had to be called.

Barlow Foods CEO John Barlow consented to a brief meeting. I explained Fenanigans’ predicament.

“The policies of giving away holiday meats were no longer viable,” he noted, calling attention to several spreadsheets with interior flip-up tables on a computer screen. “The resources were no longer there. It’s a different time now then when Mr. Renanigans [sic] was originally hired.”

But for many Barlow Foods employees, that means a skimpier holiday table.

“We’ve had to cut back on things like cranberry sauce, corn, chocolate loafs,” noted Fenanigans. “You just have to learn to let certain traditions die. But it’s difficult.”

Couple Hits the Road to “Find Lankville”

October 14, 2015 Leave a comment
By Brock Belvedere

By Brock Belvedere

Oh, to be young again, to be 20-something, to have dreams, to be freshly and lusciously in love, to be packing up and heading off into Lankville, on the road, in a large car, on the road trip of a lifetime.

Rachel Youngphones (images by Glenallen)

Rachel Youngphones (images by Glenallen)

Meet Rachels Youngphones and Glenallen Glennhill. They met as roommates at the Home Dump building in the Partial Icy Regions. The Home Dump is an old industrial building that is now an artist’s haven — painters, musicians, theatre men, photographers, etc.

She’s 22, grew up on a farm in The Lankville Waving Alfalfa County, is a recent grad of Icy Regions State University in geographic informational science maps. She makes money as an airbrush artist at malls. He’s 24, from Lankville Capital, and a photographer who published a book about the Home Dump Building. “I didn’t go to school,” he says. “I’m pretty much a natural-born artist.”

When you are young and lusciously in love, creative and not burdened by words like resume, benefits and “responsibility”, you have freedom, and when you have freedom, and when you are in love and creative, you come up with fabulous ideas like they did — that is, you come up with “Two Hearts Across Lankville”.

Their digital workstation describes Two Hearts Across Lankville thusly: “…a travel journal documenting what it means to be peculiarly Lankvillian. But also a personal journey. A personal journey between Rachel and Glenallen, who are really in love.”

There is a long paragraph break. And then:

“In a tent.”

“We want to find the “only in Lankville Lankvillians,” Glennhill says. “People who are real Lankvillians, people of the earth. Like me and Rachel.”

Glenallen Hill

Glenallen Glennhill (images by Glenallen)

They are bringing the aforementioned tent. They will sleep in national wooded areas, on farms, in yards or on couches, should anyone offer them. They are willing to accept a donated RV (2009 model or later).

Here is a list they sent me of other things they packed: a CB radio, two duffel bags of clothes, six Danny Madison Reckoner’s and a Danny Madison Weather Simulator, a case of organic tree bark juice, notebooks, a wireless keyboard so they can type on their Reckoners, a Lankville flag, four toothbrushes, 200 rolls of film, and a giant stuffed panda.

I followed up about the panda.

“We both like stuffed pandas,” Glennhill says. “I thought it would be funny to sometimes put the panda in the front seat, freak people out, you know. I’m a natural-born artist.”

I asked whether they might get sick of each other in the large car.

“That’s a good question,” Glennhill said. “We’ve basically been together every day since the day we fell deeply in love. I think we can be in the car. We’re really super positive. We’re both out on the same journey, you know.”

They see their trip as both a job and a duty.

“We really feel a lot of responsibility, and we like our role as storytellers, as natural-born historians preserving our own folk stories and finding ourselves and also finding Lankville,” Youngphones says.

“We are a creating our own story that stands as part of that, our own specific moral journey.”

Their first stop: the Semi-Grassy Plains.

Lankville Talks Back

September 29, 2015 Leave a comment

Decision 2016

By Brock Belvedere

By Brock Belvedere

The Lankville Presidential Election is heating up. Incumbent Pondicherry is currently in the lead with Royer and Hadbawnik tied for second. Polls close on Thursday and the winner will be announced on Friday via this publication as well as through our sister pundit, The Boston Hassle. You’ve seen the attack ads, now let’s see what Lankvillians have to say about the candidates.

DAVID HADBAWNIK, GOURD

Sarah Samways

Sarah Samways

“I voted for David. Think he’s been running a strong campaign from the very beginning. He obviously has concerns about the environment. Nobody else has even mentioned the Lankvillian smog. He just seems like a regular guy you’d go and have Kombucha with at the local artisanal cheese shop. He’d make a fine President. Now, personally, I took issue with the fact that he helped to out my affair with Ashley Pfeiffers’ boyfriend but in hindsight, I’m glad he did. (He) was an absolute bore anyway. It just goes to show you, how uncompromised Hadbawnik’s ethics are – he can’t be bought, believe me I tried!” – Sarah Samways, Samways & Fick Consultants

ALBERT PONDICHERRY, MODERATION

“Great men should remain in positions of power for as long as possible. Change is overrated. Besides, Pondicherry is the only person to ever come down to my basement to browse my extensive vintage electronics collection. He even bought an old model Reckoner! He’s a man with great taste in polyester and has never once made me feel awkward about my sweat gland issue!” – Neil Cuppy, The Electronics Cranny

By Neil Cuppy

Neil Cuppy

“The Pizza-A-Round fully endorses Albert Pondicherry for President of Lankville. He supports local businesses, mostly the back of the house where there are good hiding places and a couple of random holes in the wall but nevertheless, he bought 72 pizzas for our little league team! Now, this is the off-season but he hand delivered every single one of those pies to each player’s home. Yes, it was 10:30 at night but his heart was in the right place – it always is.” – Pizza-A-Round

RANDY PENDLETON, LANKVILLE HERITAGE

“Goddamn motherlusting idiots! Pendleton is the only man for the job! He ain’t afraid to speak his mind. You got a problem with that, pal? Go back to whatever hut you were born in. Lankville needs to get back to its roots and become number one again. Pendleton is a guy who can roll with the punches and I like that, I like it a lot.” – Dick La Hoyt

AMANDA JENNIFERS, MORALITY

“I hereby declare myself as the most qualified candidate for President of Lankville. While the other candidates have their hands in jars of old money, mine are clean and ready for your examination. I don’t need to pay for endorsements; Lankville is ready for a new voice – a clear, well-educated, hard-working, voice that will stand up for them. Plus, I’m female and we all know what an asset that is in politics.” – Amanda Jennifers

RIC ROYER, HELL

Dr. Kevin Thurston

Dr. Kevin Thurston

“Ric’s been a patient of mine for some time and I’ve gotta say, he’s made some tremendous strides. Just yesterday, while doing some breathing exercises, he purchased a Feelings Trigger-Sphere (basketball), and a carafe of stale ginger ale, which at a combined total of $39.99 is an absolute steal. I spoke with him softly, merely above a whisper, as he explained his horrible dreams for Lankville. Now, I’m not registered to vote, because I feel competition, in general, can harbor some of our more yucky feelings but I’m not opposed to you doing so, Brock. In fact, I have these nice, antique quill pens that you can fill out your ballot with for a limited time offer price of $27.85…” – Dr. Kevin Thurston, Men’s Feelings Expert

Brock Belvedere’s Guide to the 2016 Presidential Race

September 24, 2015 1 comment
Brock Belvedere

By Brock Belvedere

How will Lankville vote? What are the issues? What do the candidates look like? What about the “funny candidates” who have no chance to win? As the fight to the 2016 presidential election heats up, here is my exclusive guide to who may be the next president of Lankville:

PRESIDENT PONDICHERRY

Lankville Party of Moderation

President Pondicherry has a new dog!

Pondicherry

Dr. Albert C. Pondicherry, Jr., son of two former Lankville Presidents, began his political career serving as governor of the Eastern Pines Area from 1999 to 2007, after narrowly missing winning that job in 1994. He is known for his moderate stances on Challenges and trash pickup and believes that the Lankville government should have no role in making weighty decisions.

Status: Declared. Pondicherry launched his campaign via a Presdential Address and a small late night reception at the Casa Montecriso (an elegant reception hall).

Age on Election Day: 54

Education: Eastern Easier University (Western Island Social Studies major)

Family: None

Birthplace: Eastern Pines Area

RANDY PENDLETON

Lankville Heritage Party

By Randy Pendleton

Pendleton

Randy Pendleton needs no introduction. He is one of the World’s Most Famous People, the owner of several tall buildings, a wildly-successful food chain and is a regular guest on television and radio programs. His political service is wide-ranging; he has served on the Bureau of Probes since 2012 and is an active member of the Koala Bears and Walnuts Club. He is a self-declared “heavyweight conservative”.

Status: Declared. Pendleton announced his candidacy in a tent.

Age on Election Day: 49

Education: Pendleton eschewed all traditional forms of education and instead “trained myself.”

Family: Five boys: Conor (15), Taylor (13), Bryce (11), Randy, Jr. (8) and Barlow (5). Wife, Peggy (5 out of 10), age 47.

Birthplace: Lankville Bluffs (Northern)

AMANDA JENNIFERS

Morality Party

A late candidate, Jennifers is chairman of the newly-founded “Morality Party”. She claims that she will “build a great wall around filth, intercourse, cussing and challenges” and has a plan to rid Lankville of “pornographic publications” and “pizza” and to “build more malls and highways”.

Amanda Jennifers, Morality Party.

Jennifers

Status: Declared. Jennifers annouced her candidacy this morning after rocketing to fame following her attack on Lankville Daily News food columnist Brian Schropp.

Age on Election Day: 37

Education: Barlow Foods High School

Family: Four boys, one girl: Connor (12), Randy (9), Mason (6), Riley (3); Alexis (10); Husband Kent Jennifers, age 39.

Birthplace: Deep Northern Suburbs

RIC ROYER

Hell

Lankville business magnate Ric Royer announced his candidacy in July, listing his political affiliation only as “hell”.

By Ric Royer

Royer

Royer has long been one of Lankville’s most enigmatic characters– the founder of several extremely successful businesses including “Royer Automats”, “Worlds of Royer”, a toy company, and The Dollar Bush, a chain of discount stores. He has also spent long periods of time in the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness mental institution. “This should not be a problem for the voters,” Royer noted, in a short speech given at a hotel that was later destroyed by fire. “The decisions of great men are not made in giant palaces with columns. They can be made anywhere, even in a shed.”

Royer’s political viewpoints are unclear.

Status: Declared. Royer announced his candidacy on five different occasions while in the game room at Foontz-Flonnaise.

Age on Election Day: 38

Education: Greater Lankville Falls University (Theatrical Times major), Advanced Greater Lankville Falls University (Theatre and Animal History major).

Family: None

Birthplace: Lankville Falls

Rounding out the Ballot

David Hadbawnik (Gourd Party), Dr. Nickelbee (Green Sanity Union), Sturdy Teddy (Mountain Party)

Getting to Know Nick Del Rio, “Astronaut”

September 16, 2015 Leave a comment
By Brock Belvedere

By Brock Belvedere

Brock Belvedere had a chance to sit down with alleged “astronaut” Nick Del Rio via an apparent “robotic space transmission”.

BB: I’d like to begin this interview by telling you how vastly disappointed we are in you.

NDR: I don’t know if I agree. I think a lot of people are very excited by the evidence we have uncovered…

BB: You’re a veritable pariah in Lankville and you’re wasting everyone’s time.

NDR: Let’s move on.

Nick Del Rio, Space Asshole Correspondent

Nick Del Rio, Space Asshole Correspondent

BB: Tell me about this stupid planet you discovered.

NDR: Well, I have been a little disappointed with some technological issues…

BB: Not as disappointed as we are with you.

NDR: I thought we were moving on.

BB: Stupid asshole up in space. (Mockingly): I’m just a big dumb asshole up in space.

NDR: Do you want to talk about this or not?

BB: Look at me! I’m just a huge horse’s ass parading around in space.

NDR: We’re done here.

(Transmission was aborted).

Millennials Are Moving Back to Lankville and Living Like Kings

August 18, 2015 Leave a comment
By Brock Belvedere

By Brock Belvedere

A BROCK BELVEDERE SPECIAL REPORT

Last year, Berenice Cradles and her boyfriend Josh Wilson-Shires paid $26,000 for a three bedroom, 1,600 square-foot Lankville Northern Regional Style house in the Snowy Lake Area. After growing up in the nearby Eastern Hills, attending Lankville State Easier University, then living and making music in the Islands for two years, Cradles and Wilson-Shires came back to Lankville, where they have become active in a movement of young preservationists bent on restoring the nation’s old homes and buildings.

“The new Lankville Dream is not about owning a giant mansion or a fancy Neptune but owning something that matters more because it’s accessible,” said Cradles, as we sat over Apple Cider Toast and salmon at Flour to the People Bakery while Wilson-Shires sat very quietly and obediently nearby. “I think the whole Lankville Dream is really shifting because young people are out there changing Lankville.”

At age 26, Cradles’ life is a sort of marketing campaign for Lankville. This summer, after wrapping up a series of episodes for the Lankville Broadcasting Company in which their refinished home was shown repeatedly at different angles, Cradles and Wilson-Shires were married, becoming Lankville’s First Couple of Historic Preservation. The event had its own hashtag– #lankvilleloveweddingwithcake, mirroring the name of their own recently founded company “Lankalove Developments”, which restores old homes, commercial buildings and pebbly lots.

Cra

Berenice Cradles (Press Photo). Husband Josh Wilson-Shires not pictured.

As she wolfed down some more Apple Cider Toast (and added some brie to our repast), I asked Cradles what Lankville’s new slogan should be.

“Lankville: Comeback Nation,” she said, instantly. “Oh my God, I’ve thought about slogans for months and months and months.”

“She has,” added Wilson-Shires in a quiet, feeble manner.

According to census data analyzed by The Lankville Daily News, from 2000 to 2015 the number of college graduates between the ages of 22 and 30 in Lankville jumped 45%, more than in the Islands or the Distant Peninsulas. Part of attracting that younger demographic involves programs like the Lankville Salvage and Love Project, which provides loans for individuals and businesses to improve downtown properties, many of which have been ravaged by neglect or challenges.

“A lot of people look at these old structures and think that they’re just rotted old places full of rats and vermin and bum’s piss,” noted Lankville Re-Use Project CEO Dawn Elliott-Cryoden, aged 27. “But millennials see possibilities and so they tear out everything and put up new walls and solar panels and little gardens and they clean up the bum’s piss and what you’re left with is development. It’s really a new movement.”

Upon my arrival in Lankville, I landed on the basement couch of Nora Jeans-McGriff, a 26-year old who, in 2012, ended up in Lankville after biking up from the Islands. She had just been planning to stay for a few months while doing a work exchange at a wood shop in the Middle Outlands, but her plans changed after she bought a house at a foreclosure auction for $1,000. The house isn’t livable yet (it was partially destroyed by numerous challenges, a Super Tornado, and bum’s piss), but she’s been slowly fixing it up, adding a green roof, gutters made of recycled stiffened cardboard and insulation made of pressed trash and with help from handy friends in town.

Nora Jeans McGriff

Nora Jeans McGriff

In the meantime, she pays $150 a month to rent a room in a communal house in the Middle Outlands and waitstaffperson’s at Emoti-Flan, an artisanal custard cafe.

“I make a lot more money here than I did in the Islands,” noted Jeans-McGriff.  “And I can save a lot here– I didn’t work at all for four months! I just traveled, played music, made graffiti art, raised nine chickens, collected rainwater, fed some bum’s at a community kitchen, counseled children, built reusable water bottles out of found trash, grew tree fruit, started a bicycle laboratory, purchased some vacant lots, and hung out with my boyfriend!”

Starting a business is also less daunting in Lankville. One day, I visited PAO QUOTIDIAN (owner’s capitals), a worker-owned bakery in the Great Northern Mountain Area opened last year by first-time business owners Tori Loops, Allison Hunter-Awnings, Emily Freedmont-Westerbrook and Kim Fields, all in their late 20’s. They raised $40,000 to start the bakery from an online funding platform and now pay $400 monthly on a graduated rental lease for their 1900 square foot space. The artisanal bread market is not saturated in Lankville; business is brisk.

Loops, 28, originally from Hoover Island, got her master’s degree in performance studies and Gender Musings from Eastern Hills Easier University. After graduation, she worked sporadically as a graphic designer, co-operative farmer and a waitstaffperson at a cupcake cafe but decided she wanted to live in Lankville where she could do work that “mattered”.

“I’m glad we’re past the point where the Islands are the only places to go and be successful and make your mark on the world,” said Loops (rated about a 7 out of 10- 8 out of 10 if she ever wore a bra). “There are a lot of places in Lankville to have opportunity that are a little more accessible.”

B

Smith Bryce-Phillips

Smith Bryce Phillips agrees. He lived in Lankville until he was 22, when he moved to the Islands. Last year, at age 27, he moved into a house in Lankville with his homosexual lover.

“I couldn’t really make a name for myself in the Islands. I didn’t get any attention. So, I came back to Lankville. The energy feels right in Lankville now,” he told me at just desserts cafe (owner’s lack of capitals), where we met for brie, cupcakes, and pumpkins.

Right next door, Smith rents a storefront for $500 a month. He hasn’t disclosed the name or purpose of his store yet (currently, a sheet of brown raw treeless “paper” covering the front door reads #MYSTERIOUSSTORE, but he imagines it will serve as a community bike space, used gay bookshop and pottery learning center. While he fixes up the place, it stores his massive sculptures, several interconnected repurposed tractor wheels that take up nearly 3/4 of the space. He calls the sculpture HUGGINGLANKVILLE.

Psy

Psychologist Winifred P. Temple studies Millennials (Press Photo)

“People are really excited about the mysterious storefront,” noted Phillips, as he smeared an artisanal free-range pumpkin with brie. “The idea of a completely unknown storefront is something new, something they haven’t seen before. Every day, at least ten to fifteen people come up and ask what the store is going to be- try to guess, give me suggestions. It’s inspirational. I wouldn’t have got that kind of attention in the Islands.”

“Millennials have that can-do, entrepreneurial spirit, said area psychologist Winifred P. Temple. “It’s relatively easy to be in the Now,” noted Temple, “but how many of us can live in the Next? Millennials can, and do.”

As just one example, she pointed to the historic Lanqueduct that runs along Old Pondicherry Avenue in the Western Lankville Plains. The aging structure, built by the ancient Lankans who first settled in the area, still services many longtime residents with fresh, slightly colored water.

Janice Tippitt-Toes, friend and sometime “physical sharer” of Berenice Cradles, has big plans for the Lanqueduct. “It will be a mixed-use development. I envision an artisan youth hostel, a Men’s Feelings Center, and an urban park that you navigate with a network of webs and pulleys,” she said, beaming with an almost off-putting confidence as she sipped a soy Lankichino near Pondicherry Square.

Cradles

Cradles dances over some of her backyard plants while topless. “They grow better when you dance with them,” she noted.

Despite the growth of the millennial demographic in Lankville, the nation’s population is still in decline. “The reality is that people do tend to move to the Islands when they start drawing a good salary,” noted Eastern Hills Easier University Lankville Studies Professor E. Talbot Bonds. “We’re still dealing with the reality of the challenge problems, the tenting murder epidemic, super insects, eldritch horrors– the list goes on and on.”

But Cradles still believes that Lankville will prevail.

“We’re right at the dawning of a new age,” she said, after giving her husband the okay to consume an unadorned bagel. “So many groups are starting– I’ve started so many groups. Just while we were talking, Brock, we closed a deal to buy 22 vacant lots in Lankville. We’ll turn them into co-operative farms and composting stations.”

It’s a labor of love, Brock. A labor of love.”

Photo credits: Catrin Lloyd-Bollard and Bethany Dinsick.

Televisions Free to a Good Home

July 8, 2015 Leave a comment
By Brock Belvedere

By Brock Belvedere, Jr.

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

She

“Ideally, I don’t want to split them up…”

Katie Lynn Rumpus – distant relation to Genevieve Rumpus, but no relation to the Ida Rumpus who reports for this paper – recently, and reluctantly, put two of her “babies” up for adoption. She is hoping to place the classic Lanvillectric Television sets in a good home, and is calling on all citizens of Lankville to help her find one for them.

“Ideally, I don’t want to split them up,” she said from her home in Lower Lankville Heights. The television sets had been placed with care in a breezeway near Rumpus’s office at Barlow Foods’ northern distribution center, where Rumpus oversees the apportioning of bulk comestibles to a dozen Barlow Foods locations.

Alternate view of the sets.

Alternate view of the sets.

The sets had long graced either end of a multimedia cabinet in the Rumpus living room, or “Rumpus Room,” as the family call it. There, the Rumpuses had enjoyed hours and hours of their favorite programs, sometimes tuning shows in simultaneously so that they could experience them in “stereo,” other times watching one or the other television, or different programs on each one, depending on preference and time of day.

“There were so many possibilities,” Mrs. Rumpus averred, especially when her husband, Ralph Waldo Rumpus, came home with a Pondisonic Video Camera one day and attached it to one of the sets via cable. The Rumpus Room quickly became an amateur studio, as the children interviewed one another and staged elaborate sketches, often inspired by Vitiello Decorative Ham advertisements.

The children loved dressing up as their favorite hams, said Mrs. Rumpus, and squealed with delight as they saw their likeness appearing on screen.

Ms.

Mrs. Rumpus’ homemade sign.

Lanvillectricians might blush, meanwhile, at a glimpse of the images that flickered on the twin sets after dark, when Mr. and Mrs. Rumpus shared footage of their “home movies” with neighbors and friends.

Things got a bit “racy” during those days, Mrs. Rumpus admitted, and the “twins” – her affectionate name for the Lankvillectric TVs – were constantly in demand among family and friends alike. Now, though the times have changed and a large flat-screen model adorns the Rumpus Room, Katie Lynn Rumpus is taking care to make sure the well-used sets find a home worthy of their place in her heart.

Please write to Mrs. Rumpus care of the Lankville Daily News if you feel you can provide a good home for her television sets.

Oversized Beach Ball Accident Season Fast Approaching

May 27, 2015 Leave a comment
By Brock Belvedere

By Brock Belvedere

NEWS YOU CAN USE

Summer is almost here in Lankville– a wonderful time of backyard cookouts, swimming, watermelon and boats. But it can also be a dangerous time and the season’s biggest killer might surprise you.

“It’s oversized beach balls,” stated Lankville Consumer Vulnerability Clump chairman Ump Marstons. “That’s what it is.”

Marstons refused to elaborate and became distracted by a series of internet photos of kittens in boxes.

This could be you.

This could be you.

According to the Lankville Consumer Vulnerability Clump, hundreds of Lankvillians are injured by oversized beach balls every year. Detective Houston Gee-Temple, however, believes the figure may be high.

“You have some incidents where women are lying about on patio chaise lounges, allowing the sun to cascade off their summer-firm haunches and then, BAM, they get hit by oversized beach balls, but I’m not sure it’s worth a story, Brock,” the intrepid lawman noted. “I monitor beaches, patios, yards and I have seen very few over the last few years.”

The LCVC however, disagrees, and have already begun littering Lankville with cautionary signs and billboards.

“It’s a serious issue. A serious, serious issue,” said Marstons, who became distracted again by a slideshow of kittens wearing little hats. “You’ve gotta’ watch out out there.”

The first day of summer is June 21st.

Lankville Sit-Ins Target Pondicherry

May 12, 2015 Leave a comment
Brock Belvedere

Brock Belvedere

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

Lankville President Pondicherry is the target of a new political ploy: statehouse sit-ins.

Four groups, disappointed at Pondicherry’s alleged lack of action on recent issues, have held sit-ins this week in his modern reception room.

First, it was the Anti-Challenge League, protesting the rise of challenges in Lankville. Next, it was the United Vitiello Decorative Ham Managers, upset with recent debates over raising the minimum wage. Yesterday, it was the Parents of Bumpkins Union, asking for higher staffing in local schools. And today, Lankville Daily News contributor Dr. David Hadbawnik staged a sit-in for gourd awareness.

President Pondicherry

President Pondicherry is getting mixed reviews.

No group has come away with any major concessions but the parade of protesters continue.

Wanda Barn, one of the President’s receptionists (rated only a 2 of 10 by our staff but who I personally think is banging it out like some sort of smoking angel bomb dropped on the village that is my freak) has a casual attitude about the protesters now.

“It doesn’t even bother me anymore,” she said, sitting at her big desk in the corner of the reception room and filling out that pair of pleated cargo capris like a god damn champ. “Everybody gets their turn.”

Pondicherry usually meets with the groups after they have waited for most of the day. He says he doesn’t encourage sit-ins.

“It’s a phenomenon of our times. The institutions which shape our lives are not as trusted as they were in the past,” the President noted. “I have absolutely no philosophical or political thoughts on why this is– I have not spent very much time thinking about philosophy or politics.”

Once Pondicherry emerges and talks with the protesters, he gets mixed reviews.

“We thought he was a myth,” noted Pam Tucks of the Anti-Challenge League. “But we found out he wasn’t.”

“He gave me no satisfaction whatsoever,” said Hadbawnik. “He wouldn’t even look at my gourds.”

Ms. Barn says that the protesters often leave quite a mess.

“Pamphlets, decorative hams, gourds, some of the bumpkin children have pulled down the floor-to-ceiling drapes– we have the cleaners come in after each sit-in,” Barn noted.

“Where do I get that job?” I joked. “Chance to gape at such pulchritude while cleaning– doesn’t even sound like a job to me,” I added. “Sounds like heaven. Too much space between your lips and mine.”  I gyrated lewdly.

Ms. Barn became embarrassed and the interview was ended prematurely.

Further sit-ins are expected tomorrow.

New Mall to Feature Roaring Chasms of Fire

March 11, 2015 Leave a comment
Brock Belvedere

By Brock Belvedere

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

The newly-built Grand Southern Expansive Cement Grove Mall will feature roaring chasms of fire, sources are confirming.

“People have grown tired of those tiled pools they have in most malls where the fount kind of spurts out inconsistently like a urinating grandfather,” noted architect Mike Squatch. “And all those pennies. You wouldn’t believe the Island-Person man-hours spent picking pennies out of the bottom of fountains. It’s ridiculous.”

“We have eliminated the weak-streamed fountain, pennies and Island people all in one step,” Squatch added. “With roaring chasms of fire.”

Squatch says that Southern Expansive will feature four roaring chasms of fire, placed conveniently near staircases and elevators.

Squatch working on the fire chasms.

Squatch working on the fire chasms.

“I mean, if you want to throw a penny in one, by all means. It’s just going to get burned to hell,” Squatch noted as a giant smirk appeared across his face.

Mall Age Magazine, Lankville’s premier mall periodical, is embracing the innovation.

“There are different modes of production of fountains (i.e., fountainization) from both natural space to more complex spatialities where the fountain is socially produced,” noted Mall Age Magazine critic and editor Barry Games, who was interviewed at the edge of a copse. “What we’re seeing from Squatch is an analysis of the fountain as a three-part dialectic between everyday mall practices and perceptions, representations or theories of fountain space and then, finally, the spatial fountains of our time. It’s quite an achievement.”

Games was suddenly attacked by a lion and the interview was ended prematurely.

Southern Expansive is due to open in April.

Area Girls Rolling Out the Whoop-Ass Cannon

February 11, 2015 Leave a comment
By Brock Belvedere

By Brock Belvedere

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

A group of area girls are rolling out the whoop-ass cannon, sources are confirming.

“I was just outside tending to some little pots that had fallen over and they came down the street rolling the [whoop-ass] cannon. I knew it was going to be bad,” said Eastern Defoliated Area resident Jean Books (rated about a 7 of 10 by this author).

The girls are believed to be the same band that terrorized Lankville areas in October and December of last year.

The area girls that are rolling out the whoop-ass cannon.

The area girls that are rolling out the whoop-ass cannon.

“We have a trace on them,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who was the first to respond to the scene. “We are anticipating a [whoop-ass] salvo and have evacuated the area. We just want everyone to be safe.”

Politicians, law enforcement officials and church people are already calling for measures to stop the area girls. “Frankly, we didn’t know they had a [whoop-ass] cannon,” noted Gee-Temple. “Our intelligence had indicated that they were involved in ganking and getting up in everybody’s [shit] but weapons [whoop-ass cannons] were not on our radar.”

The motivation of the area girls was unclear at press-time.

An Interview with Ric Royer

January 12, 2015 Leave a comment
By Brock Belvedere

By Brock Belvedere

BROCK PROBES

Brock Belvedere recently had a chance to sit down with enigmatic Lankville businessman Ric Royer.

Royer displays his "poster face".

Royer displays his “poster face”.

BB: I’ve been hanging out in the woods a lot and I’ve seen your posters. What do they mean?
RR: I’m trying to encourage people, Brock. Encourage them to be a star like me.
BB: Why are the posters in the woods?
RR: Exactly, Brock. Exactly.
BB: How does one become a star?
RR: You must do everything with star power. For example, last night I cooked some animal-shaped chicken nuggets. Many people cook animal-shaped chicken nuggets. However, I arranged mine on the baking tray in tall columns. That is star power.
BB: If everyone became a star, wouldn’t it be less special?
RR: Oh, Brock. Sometimes, if you look closely at an object, it will appear to be behind you. No one besides me will become a star. Just keep in mind- the poster.
BB: You look really strange on the poster. Why?
RR: It’s my normal “poster face”. Nothing unusual.
BB: Looks unusual to me.
RR: Mind yourself Brock. It’d be very easy to lure you to a barn where you would be slaughtered. Know that.

An awkwardness ensued and the interview collapsed of its own accord.