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PEOPLE OF LANKVILLE: There Was This One Day When I Was Livin’ in This Ol’ Shack in the Woods
Joe “Baby Shacks” Allen
Editor’s Note: This interview took place in a bumpkin shack.
LDN: What is your name and what do you do?
JA: John Allen.
LDN: What do you do?
JA: Puts out chairs.
LDN: For what?
JA: Wrasslin’ events, bumpkin public executions…that…
LDN: Bumpkin public executions?
JA: Well, it’s only us [bumpkins] that know about ’em. You wouldn’t ‘a heard of ’em down in Lankville.
LDN: Christ, how often do these happen?
JA: Pretty regular. I got some picture postcards somewhere.
LDN: Why do they call you Baby Shacks?
JA: There was this one day when I was living in this ol’ shack in the woods and one of the men said, “lookit’ ‘at ol’ baby shack!”
LDN: “this one day”?
JA: Well, it was ‘fer more days. ‘Fer more days.
LDN: What’s the cat’s name?
JA: Mitchell. He named afta’ my Pappy. But he passed.
LDN: How would you describe your rather distinctive appearance?
JA: My Pappy, he was…he come over. He come over.
LDN: OK. We’ll be going.
JA: Alright, well, I did’n even ast you, so…
PEOPLE OF LANKVILLE: The Ferry Crashed Into Another Ferry and That Was the End of That
Bob Sheds
LDN: What is your name and what do you do?
BS: By name is Bob Sheds.
LDN: …and what do you do?
BS: I’m unemployed.
LDN: What did you do?
BS: Ferry boat captain on the Great Southern Puddly River. One of my passengers had some interesting laser discs. He said, “hey, you want to watch these laser discs?” and I said, “sure, I’d like to watch those laser discs” and he said, “well, do you have a laser disc player” and I said, “I sure do have a laser disc player, it’s below deck.” Well, the next thing you know, we’re below deck and we’re watching the laser discs, we end up with our pants off and the ferry crashed into another ferry and that was the end of that.
LDN: Did anyone die?
BS: Oh yeah. Oh yeah, they died.
LDN: Are you married?
BS: In my early twenties I was married to a girl named Tammy. It was kind of just for show. Her family and my family- we grew up on the same street and I think everybody had this fantasy about us being childhood sweethearts or some shit. Anyway, she ended up going with some other guy. I think he sells tires or something. I ain’t had much interest since.
LDN: What’s a typical day in Lankville like for Bob Sheds?
BS: Who?
LDN: For Bob Sheds.
BS: You confused me. No idea why you had to say it like that. You coulda’ just said, “what’s a typical day in Lankville like for you.” What, you need to sound fancy for the paper or something?
LDN: What’s a typical day like for you?
BS: I don’t know– wake up about 10. After that, it’s wide open.
LDN: Finally, tell us your thoughts on a particular issue.
BS: Well, I do think something needs to be done about these postcards I keep getting from this guy Brock Belvedere, Jr. I mean, sure, I used to know him. But he sends me blank postcards, sometimes three or four a day. When I called him up, I said, “why you sending me all these god damn postcards, Brock?” and he said, “Because I can Bob.” That was that.
LDN: We’ll look into it.
BS: OK.
The interview was ended.
PEOPLE OF LANKVILLE: There’s a First Time for Everything
Brock Belvedere
LDN: What is your name and what do you do?
BB: My name is Brock Belvedere, Jr. and I was a journalist.
LDN: So, I guess I’ll get right to the point, Brock. People really want to know if you’re dead or not.
BB: I am.
LDN: Seems impossible.
BB: There’s a first time for everything.
LDN: What’s dead being like?
BB: It’s alright. It’s really hard to get anything good to eat though. The only options are fast food subs and candy. And there’s no water. Just sodas.
LDN: Have you had any luck trying to convince girls to go out with you? I know you’ve gone as high as offering to pay 75% of all expenses.
BB: It’s tough. I have an unusual face. Takes some getting used to. But sometimes they come around. I did recently get a haircut.
LDN: It looks the same as in your photograph.
BB: Yes. Your point?
LDN: Anything else you’d like to add?
BB: My sudden death has been difficult on my dear mother. And, unfortunately, the backwards thinking wretches at the Pizza A’Round are no longer allowing her to spend eight hours in the dining room while I run errands. The blatant ageism is quite shocking in our supposedly advanced society.
LDN: Alright.
The interview collapsed.
PEOPLE OF LANKVILLE: Things Have Been Hard
Mr. Egg during better times.
LDN: What is your name and what do you do?
ME: My name is Mr. Egg.
LDN: …and what do you do?
ME: Well, things have been hard.
LDN: Tell us about it.
ME: Well, I recently became a cripple.
LDN: Not sure if that word is the proper…
ME: …listen, if you want to start up with your political politeness, then find another god damn giant egg to interview.
LDN: You’re the only one we know of.
ME: Exactly. So, shut your mouth or I’ll shut it for you.
LDN: Go on.
ME: As I was saying before you cut in like a horny teenager at a school dance, I recently became a cripple. Me and a couple of other guys went out one night and we tied a few on. We’re walking around afterwards, singing some loud folk songs, pissing on a few trees, you know, the usual, and the next thing we know some guy pops out of a bush and attacks us.
LDN: And he crippled you?
ME: Hey, listen. You want me to finish the story or do you want to keep on with your god damn prattle?
LDN: Go on.
ME: Anyway, he about cut Ken’s head off. Well, I went running onto this darkened street and the next thing I know, I get hit by a car. Guy driving was drunk. I think a couple of minutes later, he drove into somebody’s house. Put a pretty good size dent in the damn thing, if I remember correctly.
LDN: Do you get Lankville Invalidity payments?
ME: Yeah, but that’s a drop of piss in a bucket of piss, if you know what I’m saying. Bucket of piss and shit.
LDN: Never heard that expression.
ME: They say it all the time down in the Southern Basin Area.
LDN: Were your parents eggs?
ME: Shut the fuck up.
LDN: Is it hard being an egg?
ME: You can put a top hat on perfectly. Fifty mile-per-hour wind won’t even blow the fucker off.
LDN: Anything else?
ME: Nah. What else would there be. Now, fuck off.
PEOPLE OF LANKVILLE: He Gave Me a Rubber Raincoat
Bryant Shrope
LDN: What is your name and where do you work?
BS: My name is Bryant Shrope and I work at the Quick ‘N Tasty Seafood Stall in Almond Beach.
LDN: What do you do there?
BS: We sell popcorn shrimp!
LDN: Do you make the popcorn shrimp?
BS: No. Craig does.
LDN: Who’s Craig?
BS: He’s my favorite friend in the whole world!
LDN: OK, I guess. Let’s move on. What do you do for fun?
BS: I like to play arcade games. They have this one on the boardwalk that’s really fun. It’s called “Alligators” and you’re in this swamp and you have to avoid alligators.
LDN: And then what?
BS: OH! Well, after you avoid the alligators, then there’s some parts of a communication device that you have to find in the swamps. And when you put all the pieces together, then you can make a call to your home base and they come and rescue you! But it’s really hard to find all the parts. I’ve never found all the parts. And Mr. Bollinger, who owns the arcade, he hates me. I don’t know why but he eventually kicks me out and says a lot of cuss words. He told Craig one time that he was in a bamboo cage for a long time during the Depths War and that he’s really bitter because of it and hates young people. One time, he mailed me a really nice candy assortment and it came in a beautiful box with a floral pattern and it looked very fancy but when you opened the box it was just a steaming pile of excrement. My Mom opened it.
LDN: He sounds unpleasant.
BS: OH– he is! One time, I was playing “Alligators” and he took out a knife and said he was going to cut me to ribbons! But then he didn’t and THANK GOD for that!
LDN: Now is it true you got to meet President Pondicherry?
BS: YES, IT IS! He came to the Quick ‘N Tasty! But he didn’t end up ordering anything because he “didn’t like the look of the place”. But he was very nice. He gave me a rubber raincoat.
LDN: Why?
BS: He said it rains a lot and he said I should be prepared.
LDN: OK. Well, thanks for your time.
BS: OH, ABSOLUTELY! This has been a lot of fun, it really has. But I did want to tell you about my pets…right now, I have…
The interviewer suddenly walked off.
PEOPLE OF LANKVILLE: I Moisten Them in the Morning
Brent McGregor IV
LDN: What is your name and where do you work?
BM: My name is Brent McGregory IV and I manage the Sno-Balls stand on Lankville-Craughing Boulevard.
LDN: What does that entail?
BM: I make Sno-Balls. We have over 50 flavors. When business is slow, I try to get people to stop by hurling myself in front of cars on the Boulevard.
LDN: Have you ever been hurt?
BM: No. Why do you ask?
The Sno-Balls stand on Lankville-Craughing Boulevard.
LDN: Tell me about the nice lot you have where people can enjoy their Sno-Balls.
BM: Sure. It’s a paved lot and we have some picnic tables that I built myself. It borders a very nice gas station and a very nice professional building. Behind the lot is a very nice series of weedy hills and then beyond that is some sort of top-secret government testing facility. I don’t know what they test but I do know this– they DO NOT buy Sno-Balls.
LDN: You built the tables yourself?
BM: Yes. My father built picnic tables for a living. But he died. He was killed in a challenge. I mean, that’s what they told us. Feel like I see him around an awful lot though.
LDN: What about the moistened paper towels? Do you have anything to do with that?
BM: Yes. I moisten them in the morning with the hose pump and then place them in the containers. It helps the kids get the sticky Sno-Balls flavoring off their hands and faces. The parents appreciate it.
LDN: I understand that you met your girlfriend here.
BM: Yes! Her name is Nora. She is a wonderful woman– full of life, so optimistic. Especially for someone who has a wasting sickness that has not been identified. She manages a Sno-Balls stand a few miles away. It’s a very tight-knit community.
LDN: Anything else?
BM: Well, have you heard the Good News?
The interview suddenly ended.
PEOPLE OF LANKVILLE: But I Still Love Him
Tammy La Hoyt
LDN: What is your name and where do your work?
TLH: My name is Tammy La Hoyt and I work at Tammy Nails.
LDN: Funny that it’s called Tammy Nails and that you work there.
TLH: Well, I own the place.
LDN: What do you do at Tammy Nails?
TLH: Nails.
LDN: What if somebody doesn’t have any nails?
TLH: Who the hell doesn’t have no nails?
LDN: Amputees?
TLH: Christ. Can you move on to something else, shit-for-brains?
LDN: Married? Children?
TLH: My husband Dick and I have been married for 16 years. We don’t have no children. Dick’s got a low-sperm count. But I still love him.
LDN: What do you like to do for fun?
TLH: Dick and me got a gravel lot in front of the garage.
The interview suddenly collapsed.
PEOPLE OF LANKVILLE: “I Work at the Self-Service Island”
Keith Baby hard at work.
LDN: What is your name and where do you work?
KB: My name is Keith Baby and I work at the self-service island down at the Diadem Station on Highway 71.
LDN: What do you do there?
KB: Oversee the self-service island, make sure people aren’t having any problems servicing themselves. If they are, then I step in.
LDN: When you step in, what happens? Describe a typical scenario.
KB: I explain the pump to them– how it inserts into the opening of the gas tank.
LDN: Do you ever insert it yourself?
KB: Sometimes. If the person is really incapable. Sometimes people are incapable.
LDN: So, then you have to jam it in there and let it fly?
KB: Yep.
LDN: Do you ever pull it out and then go back in?
KB: Nope. I usually fill it up on the first try. That is, if they want it.
LDN: Sometimes they don’t want it?
KB: Sometimes they just need a certain amount, you know.
Keith can make change.
LDN: What if nobody comes into the station?
KB: Well, then I can sweep up, tidy up the place. We get a lot of vomit in the grass. Got to keep an eye out for that stuff.
LDN: When you get home, what do you do?
KB: I got a little place above a bakery. It’s alright. I was dating this lace-curtain paddy for awhile and she fixed it up OK.
LDN: Do you read magazines?
KB: A little.
LDN: How long do you think you’ll live?
KB: I hope to live to a hundred, you know.
LDN: You won’t.
KB: Well nobody knows, right?
LDN: Trust me. You won’t.
People of Lankville will continue in future issues.
PEOPLE OF LANKVILLE: “I Put Out Fruit”
By Cathy Tuffley
LDN: What is your name and where do you work?
CT: My name is Cathy Teffley and I work for the Agape Foundation.
LDN: What’s that?
CT: It’s a company that builds refreshment stands.
LDN: Do you build the refreshment stands?
CT(laughing): Of course not! I’m just a woman.
LDN: What do you do there?
CT: Answer the phones, operate the carpet sweeper, put out fruit.
LDN: Are you satisfied?
CT: Do you mean…in that way?
LDN: No, with your job.
CT: Very. I’m very satisfied. Mr. Agape is a sweetheart and he always gives the girls a real bonus during the holidays!
LDN: You mean…in that way?
CT: No, a check.
LDN: Married?
CT: Nah. I mean, sort of. I don’t know where he is. I think he went abroad. He said something about some island revolution.
LDN: Children?
CT: Just Glenn. He’s 6.
LDN: What’s he all about?
CT: He’s gay.
LDN: Is there anything else you would like to add?
CT: Hi Glenn!
Teffley began giggling and the interview was ended prematurely.
PEOPLE OF LANKVILLE: “I Work at Tri-State Oil”
By Ted Bandy
An ongoing series where you, the reader, gets to meet a random person from Lankville.
LDN: What is your name and where do you work?
TB: My name’s Ted Bandy and I work at Tri-State Oil.
LDN: What do you do there?
TB: I work at a desk in the front. We got an office there.
LDN: How many drawers does your desk have?
TB: I believe three.
LDN: What’s in them?
TB: Papers, pencils, paper clips, standard stuff.
LDN: What kind of papers?
TB: You know, files. Receipts, bills of sale, that kind of thing.
LDN: Who are they made out to?
TB: Pardon?
Tri-State Oil
LDN: Who are some of the people? Their names?
TB: I’m not at liberty to say.
LDN: Where do they live?
TB: No, that’s confidential.
LDN: Is your company involved in any shady doings?
TB: No, we’re a family company. We’ve been in business since 1933.
LDN: Ever killed anybody?
TB: No. Well, maybe.
LDN: Anything else?
TB: I’d like to say hello to Rhonda.
LDN: Your wife?
TB: ….yes. Yes.
People of Lankville will continue in future issues.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Use your new Intermission TV Typewriter to communicate with hot women! Women are lying around, all over Lankville, just waiting for someone to type something on their TV's. It could be you. Available at your neighborhood electronics retailer.
ADVERTISEMENT
Vitiello Decorative Hams "Fall Batch" now available. Home inspection required. Leaves considerably extra. Call East Lankville 3298 or 4151.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
Compliance with subsection: 16.61(2), Lankville statutes.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option on your next job, consider a Chambers Company hand drill. With 3/8" chuck and gun-metal finish, the steel casing of the drill is thick and sturdy for durability and will come in handy for light construction, carpentry and also for DRILLING HOLES IN FENCES TO SEE TITS
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's Barbeque. Waitress needed, someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of questions. Call Hole 9913.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S FRENCH TOAST
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MEAT FRENZY
Call Kelly (male): 5-2614
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK