Posts Tagged ‘People of Lankville’

PEOPLE OF LANKVILLE: Things Have Been Hard

May 26, 2017 Leave a comment

Mr. Egg during better times.

LDN: What is your name and what do you do?

ME: My name is Mr. Egg.

LDN: …and what do you do?

ME: Well, things have been hard.

LDN: Tell us about it.

ME: Well, I recently became a cripple.

LDN: Not sure if that word is the proper…

ME: …listen, if you want to start up with your political politeness, then find another god damn giant egg to interview.

LDN: You’re the only one we know of.

ME: Exactly. So, shut your mouth or I’ll shut it for you.

LDN: Go on.

ME: As I was saying before you cut in like a horny teenager at a school dance, I recently became a cripple. Me and a couple of other guys went out one night and we tied a few on. We’re walking around afterwards, singing some loud folk songs, pissing on a few trees, you know, the usual, and the next thing we know some guy pops out of a bush and attacks us.

LDN: And he crippled you?

ME: Hey, listen. You want me to finish the story or do you want to keep on with your god damn prattle?

LDN: Go on.

ME: Anyway, he about cut Ken’s head off. Well, I went running onto this darkened street and the next thing I know, I get hit by a car. Guy driving was drunk. I think a couple of minutes later, he drove into somebody’s house. Put a pretty good size dent in the damn thing, if I remember correctly.

LDN: Do you get Lankville Invalidity payments?

ME: Yeah, but that’s a drop of piss in a bucket of piss, if you know what I’m saying. Bucket of piss and shit.

LDN: Never heard that expression.

ME: They say it all the time down in the Southern Basin Area.

LDN: Were your parents eggs?

ME: Shut the fuck up.

LDN: Is it hard being an egg?

ME: You can put a top hat on perfectly. Fifty mile-per-hour wind won’t even blow the fucker off.

LDN: Anything else?

ME: Nah. What else would there be. Now, fuck off.

PEOPLE OF LANKVILLE: He Gave Me a Rubber Raincoat

May 19, 2017 Leave a comment

Bryant Shrope

LDN: What is your name and where do you work?

BS: My name is Bryant Shrope and I work at the Quick ‘N Tasty Seafood Stall in Almond Beach.

LDN: What do you do there?

BS: We sell popcorn shrimp!

LDN: Do you make the popcorn shrimp?

BS: No. Craig does.

LDN: Who’s Craig?

BS: He’s my favorite friend in the whole world!

LDN: OK, I guess. Let’s move on. What do you do for fun?

BS: I like to play arcade games. They have this one on the boardwalk that’s really fun. It’s called “Alligators” and you’re in this swamp and you have to avoid alligators.

LDN: And then what?

BS: OH! Well, after you avoid the alligators, then there’s some parts of a communication device that you have to find in the swamps. And when you put all the pieces together, then you can make a call to your home base and they come and rescue you! But it’s really hard to find all the parts. I’ve never found all the parts. And Mr. Bollinger, who owns the arcade, he hates me. I don’t know why but he eventually kicks me out and says a lot of cuss words. He told Craig one time that he was in a bamboo cage for a long time during the Depths War and that he’s really bitter because of it and hates young people. One time, he mailed me a really nice candy assortment and it came in a beautiful box with a floral pattern and it looked very fancy but when you opened the box it was just a steaming pile of excrement. My Mom opened it.

LDN: He sounds unpleasant.

BS: OH– he is! One time, I was playing “Alligators” and he took out a knife and said he was going to cut me to ribbons! But then he didn’t and THANK GOD for that!

LDN: Now is it true you got to meet President Pondicherry?

BS: YES, IT IS! He came to the Quick ‘N Tasty! But he didn’t end up ordering anything because he “didn’t like the look of the place”. But he was very nice. He gave me a rubber raincoat.

LDN: Why?

BS: He said it rains a lot and he said I should be prepared.

LDN: OK. Well, thanks for your time.

BS: OH, ABSOLUTELY! This has been a lot of fun, it really has. But I did want to tell you about my pets…right now, I have…

The interviewer suddenly walked off.

PEOPLE OF LANKVILLE: “I Work at the Self-Service Island”

April 17, 2017 Leave a comment

Keith Baby hard at work.

LDN: What is your name and where do you work?
KB: My name is Keith Baby and I work at the self-service island down at the Diadem Station on Highway 71.
LDN: What do you do there?
KB: Oversee the self-service island, make sure people aren’t having any problems servicing themselves. If they are, then I step in.
LDN: When you step in, what happens? Describe a typical scenario.
KB: I explain the pump to them– how it inserts into the opening of the gas tank.
LDN: Do you ever insert it yourself?
KB: Sometimes. If the person is really incapable. Sometimes people are incapable.
LDN: So, then you have to jam it in there and let it fly?
KB: Yep.
LDN: Do you ever pull it out and then go back in?
KB: Nope. I usually fill it up on the first try. That is, if they want it.
LDN: Sometimes they don’t want it?
KB: Sometimes they just need a certain amount, you know.

Keith can make change.

LDN: What if nobody comes into the station?
KB: Well, then I can sweep up, tidy up the place. We get a lot of vomit in the grass. Got to keep an eye out for that stuff.
LDN: When you get home, what do you do?
KB: I got a little place above a bakery. It’s alright. I was dating this lace-curtain paddy for awhile and she fixed it up OK.
LDN: Do you read magazines?
KB: A little.
LDN: How long do you think you’ll live?
KB: I hope to live to a hundred, you know.
LDN: You won’t.
KB: Well nobody knows, right?
LDN: Trust me. You won’t.

People of Lankville will continue in future issues.

PEOPLE OF LANKVILLE: “I Work at Tri-State Oil”

April 4, 2017 Leave a comment

By Ted Bandy

An ongoing series where you, the reader, gets to meet a random person from Lankville.

LDN: What is your name and where do you work?

TB: My name’s Ted Bandy and I work at Tri-State Oil.

LDN: What do you do there?

TB: I work at a desk in the front. We got an office there.

LDN: How many drawers does your desk have?

TB: I believe three.

LDN: What’s in them?

TB: Papers, pencils, paper clips, standard stuff.

LDN: What kind of papers?

TB: You know, files. Receipts, bills of sale, that kind of thing.

LDN: Who are they made out to?

TB: Pardon?

Tri-State Oil

LDN: Who are some of the people? Their names?

TB: I’m not at liberty to say.

LDN: Where do they live?

TB: No, that’s confidential.

LDN: Is your company involved in any shady doings?

TB: No, we’re a family company. We’ve been in business since 1933.

LDN: Ever killed anybody?

TB: No. Well, maybe.

LDN: Anything else?

TB: I’d like to say hello to Rhonda.

LDN: Your wife?

TB: ….yes. Yes.

People of Lankville will continue in future issues.


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