Horoscopes

By Sheeba Incaviglia

By Sheeba Incaviglia

SAGITTARIAN (Nov 22/Dec 21)—At work, you put together a group of people to do a job. They fail miserably and a desk is overturned. That support undergarment you bought suddenly gives out and you will feel depressed and fat all week. Don’t answer phone calls. Order some carry-out and split the meal over the course of two or three dark days.

CANDY CORNS (Dec 22/Jan 19)—Don’t let snap misunderstandings become something bigger. End all discussion with a quick slap and a face splash of soda purchased from a machine. Keep your eyes open for a personal ad in the paper that says “Welcome Back Shirley.” Where do you think Shirley was? Why do you think she returned? Will she leave again? It will all become clear.

AQUARIUMS (Jan 20/Feb 18)—Be inquisitive today– knowledge is power. Ask a lot of unnecessary questions. Demand to speak to several managers. Now is the time to pull the trigger on that five-piece dinette set with the walnut top. Don’t forget the leaf. They sometimes “forget” to include the leaf.

PISCES (Feb 19/Mar 20)—Really best to stay in bed today. You can maybe sit up around lunchtime but don’t leave the room. Draw the curtains and turn on your window air conditioning unit even if it’s not at all hot in your specific area. Gaze at the hay-colored carpet. Definitely hold off on the pewter cross of ancient mystical symbols.

ARIES (Mar 21/Apr 20)—Have all the facts before saying yes to any money ventures. Think of yourself–other people may hate you because of your snobby, arrogant self-confidence but that’s okay–it will pass. If it doesn’t pass, move on to the next month and just forget about it.

TAUTUS (Apr 21/May 21)—If you haven’t blown the ass out yet of those new dress pants, wear them to work. You’ll get a lot of compliments and maybe a few admirers. Pick up some bubble bath for yourself—the kind that has the amber waving fields of grain on the front for some reason. Eat dinner in the bathtub–you’ll need that tray you’ve been admiring first!

GEMINUS (May 22/Jun 21)—You’ve always resisted camping but you might try it this weekend. Only 1/100 Lankville campers are murdered–take your chances! The afternoon will be brisk and require much of your attention. But there’s good TV on tonight so there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.

CANCERS (Jun 22/July 22)—Opportunities will require you to be in tip-top shape. Go work out at the gym and get some meat off those hips. The guys will like you better for it. Just don’t lose too much up front. You need to keep all that business up front.

LEO (July 23/Aug 23)– You’ll be wasting some time in the furniture department waiting for the pills to wear off and they’ll suddenly put out a plush recliner unlike anything you’ve ever seen before. Buy it.

VIRGO (Aug 24/Sept 22)– Wear bright colors today to get that extra attention you deserve. Still having second thoughts about entering that beauty pageant? You should put in your application now. You remember that traumatized fisherman that fell in love with that lounge singer? She dumped him. Could be time to swoop in.

LIBIS (Sept 23/Oct 23)—At the time, you thought that guy you saw trying on all the different elastic jeans at the store was vain. Now, it might be time to offer yourself to him. He is waiting in the darkness.

SCORPIONS (Oct 24/Nov 21)—A letter will arrive, smelling of lilacs. On the front, someone has written “OH NO!” in grease pencil.  Don’t open it. In fact, you should drive it to the next state and leave it by an abandoned mill that appears near collapse. Then, apply for a loan. It will be approved.

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  1. oversion
    June 5, 2016 at 1:33 am
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