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News in Brief

September 2, 2016 Leave a comment Go to comments
By Kimball J. Cranney

By Kimball J. Cranney


Decorative Ham magnate Chris Vitiello released his “fall line” yesterday in a short ceremony at a local auditorium.

“I despise hyperbole,” Vitiello noted. “Nevertheless, these are the best decorative hams I have ever made. They are too good for most Lankvillians. Our approval process for installation will be extra stringent this season. Darkness is a circle, a continuum.”

A journalist attempted to clarify the mogul’s final assertion but was whipped mercilessly.

No further questions were asked.


Cemetery problems?

Cemetery clean-up scheduled.

The Preferable Homes Demonstration Cohort, sponsors of a nationwide movement to clean up cemeteries, have designated another work day for the project.

The date has been set for September 13th and will focus on the O’ Daughter Flock Companion Cemetery of the Eastern Trailer Area and The King’s Crannies Cliff Park of the Far Northern Mountain Area. Both cemeteries are in shocking disrepair.

“We’ll be doing some normal maintenance like weed and trash removal,” said Preferable Homes Demonstration Cohort member Amy Herse-Collins. “But both cemeteries have also had a long-standing problem with people dumping bodies and heads. There are hundreds of bodies and heads in the cemetery. Also, a lot of dead animals. Also, a lot of bags of parts, mixed parts, human and animal. And old cars. Lot of old cars in there too. Old boats as well,” Herse-Collins added.

All who are interested in the movement are invited to attend. A light lunch will be served.


unnamedA he-she has disappeared, sources are reporting.

“The he-she was seen by the side of the road Wednesday around 5 P.M.,” said Detective Gee-Temple, who was the first to arrive at the scene. “The he-she has not been seen since. We’re not ruling out foul play.”

Motorists report that the he-she regularly stood by the road and waved at rush hour traffic.

“I think he or she was simple, maybe sort of a halfwit,” said Keith Pringles of the High Dell Area. “We’d see [the he-she] pretty regularly.”

“Oftentimes, the he-she would hold up an extremely ordinary object like, say, a plastic shopping bag as if it had some sort of grave significance for all of mankind,” added Pringles.

A limited access phone line has been set up at HIGH DELL 3-4991 for anyone with information.

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