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Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr.

September 2, 2016 Leave a comment Go to comments
By Dick Oakes, Jr.

By Dick Oakes, Jr.

It had been months of driving back and forth from the Murray to the Towels by the Pound joint. Months of collapsing into bed with a skull-cracking headache, months of nausea, months of thinking about that straight razor on the sink edge.

Then, suddenly, I felt pretty good. Felt like eating, maybe taking a walk in the sun.

I went downstairs.

Tibbs was there. He was in the process of dumping an entire container of bleach on the front counter. There was strange electronic music issuing from the speakers in the ceiling.

“MR. OAKES, WHY, WHY, IT’S A FINE DAY, ISN’T IT? HAHAHAHAHAHA. ARE YOU HAVING BREAKFAST WITH US TODAY?”

The bleach was dripping off the counter and onto the carpet. Who knew what the hell to make of it?

“Listen Tibbs, I was thinking of maybe taking a little walk somewheres. Maybe getting something rich and sweet to eat. I’m sick to Christ of those saltines you’ve been leaving by the door.”

“INDEED, MR. OAKES! HAHAHAHAHA”.  Tibbs started trying to collect the bleach in a bucket with a large squeegee. There was no merit to it.

“DO YOU KNOW OF THE KRAZY KOLOR KANDY KORN HOUSE, MR. OAKES? WHY IT IS A DELIGHT! JUST A MAGNIFICIENT WHIMSICAL DELIGHT FOR ALL THE SENSES, MR. OAKES!”

“Sounds alright. I mean, the kandy korn. I could skip the whimsical delight for all the senses,” I said.

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.”

The laugh got crazier as it progressed. I figured on trying to cut it off.

“Say, Tibbs, where’s this Krazy Kolor Kandy Korn house at?”

He was trying to wind it down– it was almost as if he couldn’t. The bleach was running down the counter in long, thin lines. A phone was ringing somewhere.

“OH, MR. OAKES, MR. OAKES. YOU ARE SUCH A DELIGHT. MY FAVORITE GUEST IF I MAY SO, NOW THAT MRS. STOCKSDALE HAS DIED.”

Don’t ask about that Oakes. Don’t touch that one with a ten-foot pole.

“ANYWAY, MR. OAKES, YES– THE KRAZY KOLOR KANDY KORN HOUSE IS ON HALSTEAD STREET. WHY, IT’S JUST A QUICK FIVE-MINUTE STROLL. WHAT AN UNSURPASSED DELIGHT!”

I got the hell out of there.s-l1600

The day was warm but comfortable. I passed a couple of gun shops, a hardware store with a guy standing outside wearing a sandwich board sign, a couple of half-empty pool halls. I came to Halstead but didn’t know which way to turn. At first I went left and it was just a bunch of sprawling houses ending at some kind of strip mall. I doubled back and came to a public park.

There was no missing it– the place was decorated in jagged colored shapes and sat off in a dirt lot under a tree. Strange streams of smoke, accompanied by occasional bursts of fire, emerged from the chimney on top. The whole place reeked of candy corn.

I walked over. A girl came to the window. A brunette with huge eyes and a sweet face.

“What’s the options?” I asked. I didn’t see a sign anywhere.

“We have Krazy Kolor Kandy Korn in three sizes. We also have sno-cones.”

“Is the Krazy Kolor Kandy Korn pretty sweet? Melt in your mouth?”  Cool it down Oakes, careful here.

“It does melt in your mouth,” she shot back. “Every time. That’s Sammy’s guarantee.”

“Who’s Sammy? Husband?”

She laughed. “No, my God no. He’s…well…I just work here.”

“Well, gimme’ the large size.” I started fishing around in my wallet.

She disappeared and there was a weird sound from the back. Then the window opened again and she pushed a bucket the size of a car tire towards me.

“Jesus Christ. I’ll need a god damn dolly to cart this thing around.”

“I could help you with it. I’m on my break.” She smiled. God damn Oakes. God damn.

A kid with acne and a paper hat appeared at the window. “This guy bothering you?” he asked.

“Shut up, Skip,” she said.

 

I found a bench nearby and started watching some guys out in a field throw a ball around. The ball was some lightweight plastic affair and eventually it got stuck in a bush. They gave up on it and walked away. I couldn’t figure on any of it.

The girl came over with a smaller bucket. We both tried to dump some of the candy corn in there but a lot of it didn’t take. Ended up in her lap.

She stood up and shook it off.

God damn Oakes. God damn.

“I think I’m pretty glad that I came to get this candy corn,” I said.

“This place used to be a hot dog stand,” she said. My God, she’s cute Oakes. “I came here once with my father. We expected some hot dogs, a few laughs, maybe some buns. But it turned into a nightmare.”

I let her go on.

“I don’t care to talk about it. But I’m here…I’m facing my fear.”

“Good for you. Christ, this is good candy corn.”

“Oh, yes. Sammy makes good candy corn. He really does. He has many business ventures.”

It hit me. “Little fat guy, built like a brick shithouse?”

“Yes, that’s him exactly. Yes.”

“Yeah, hell. I know him.”

She didn’t say nothing on that. I could hear her crunching on that candy corn.

Twenty minutes passed.

“I have to get back to the Krazy Kolor Kandy Korn House. Maybe I’ll see you again?”

“Maybe.”

I watched her walk across the dirt lot.

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