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PEOPLE OF LANKVILLE: But I Still Love Him

April 24, 2017 Leave a comment

Tammy La Hoyt

LDN: What is your name and where do your work?

TLH: My name is Tammy La Hoyt and I work at Tammy Nails.

LDN: Funny that it’s called Tammy Nails and that you work there.

TLH: Well, I own the place.

LDN: What do you do at Tammy Nails?

TLH: Nails.

LDN: What if somebody doesn’t have any nails?

TLH: Who the hell doesn’t have no nails?

LDN: Amputees?

TLH: Christ. Can you move on to something else, shit-for-brains?

LDN: Married? Children?

TLH: My husband Dick and I have been married for 16 years. We don’t have no children. Dick’s got a low-sperm count. But I still love him.

LDN: What do you like to do for fun?

TLH: Dick and me got a gravel lot in front of the garage.

The interview suddenly collapsed.

OPINION: You Can Spend a Whole Day at Three Pines Double-Tiered Strip Mall

August 28, 2015 Leave a comment
By Tammy La Hoyt

By Tammy La Hoyt

IMPORTANT OPINIONS

Tammy Nails is only one of fifteen stores at the Three Pines Double-Tiered Strip Mall in the Deep Lankville Basin Area.

We also got a little religious bookstore, a place where they have newspapers and beer and some kind of place that has, I guess, those faucets for sinks. We also got a god damn place that dumps big barrels of shit off the back balcony (the Three Pines Double-Tiered Strip Mall is two stories). We’ve complained and all to the management but nothing’s been done yet. Somebody got no respect for anything.

The guy that has the religious bookstore is a sweet little old man named Mr. Pencils. He’s got all kinds of song books and manuals and all. I brought him some homemade egg salad once. He unwrapped the sandwich and stared at it for like ten minutes and then he said, “I’d like to decline this.” I was pretty hurt, I guess. I called him a son of a bitch and then I started crying. My eye makeup ran and all. We haven’t spoken since but I still wave to him. Sometimes he waves back.

You can spend a whole day at Three Pines Double-Tiered Strip Mall. You can come in and get your nails done at Tammy Nails and then you can walk over and do whatever it is that that guy that dumps shit all over the place does, and then you can buy some nice religious books for a female relative and all. And then you can get a new faucet. I get new faucets about once a year. My Dick always says, “Sure as shit, you can never go wrong with a new faucet.” He’s right.

There’s a cabinet place too, like cabinets for kitchens but they ain’t never opened. And there’s a pizza place but it’s always really cold in there and there ain’t any pizzas in the display cases. There’s a couple of guys that stand around dazed behind the counter. They got these white aprons on that are stained all kinds of strange colors.

As My Dick says, “Takes all god damn kinds, babe.”

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