PEOPLE OF LANKVILLE: There Was This One Day When I Was Livin’ in This Ol’ Shack in the Woods
Editor’s Note: This interview took place in a bumpkin shack.
LDN: What is your name and what do you do?
JA: John Allen.
LDN: What do you do?
JA: Puts out chairs.
LDN: For what?
JA: Wrasslin’ events, bumpkin public executions…that…
LDN: Bumpkin public executions?
JA: Well, it’s only us [bumpkins] that know about ’em. You wouldn’t ‘a heard of ’em down in Lankville.
LDN: Christ, how often do these happen?
JA: Pretty regular. I got some picture postcards somewhere.
LDN: Why do they call you Baby Shacks?
JA: There was this one day when I was living in this ol’ shack in the woods and one of the men said, “lookit’ ‘at ol’ baby shack!”
LDN: “this one day”?
JA: Well, it was ‘fer more days. ‘Fer more days.
LDN: What’s the cat’s name?
JA: Mitchell. He named afta’ my Pappy. But he passed.
LDN: How would you describe your rather distinctive appearance?
JA: My Pappy, he was…he come over. He come over.
LDN: OK. We’ll be going.
JA: Alright, well, I did’n even ast you, so…
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CURIOUS LETTERS
Gentlemen,
My name is Fletcher M. Gregory, Jr. and I am 85 years old. I have long been an admirer of your Fluffy Marshes-Mallows; indeed, my man-servant Mr. Swift and I enjoy it atop our sundaes three or four days per week! However, as time has passed, I have noticed that your product becomes more and more difficult to locate in the grocery center and that other, obviously inferior products are now being allotted primer space. Now, this could be the work of the disgraceful he-she that manages my local grocery center (IT'S name is "Steve") but I have had other associates who have expressed similar concerns.
Therefore, I was hoping you could provide me with information on how you intend to rectify this matter as I am fearful that your fine product will eventually disappear forever from the shelves of my local grocery center-cum Sodom.
Yours faithfully,
Fletcher M. Gregory, Lankville
LETTER SACK