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No News At All in Lankville Says President

January 8, 2016 Leave a comment
Buck Igloos

Buck Igloos

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

Nothing newsworthy has happened in Lankville, President Pondicherry noted at a press conference held early this morning before a nebulous ceremonial flame.

“2016 has been very quiet. Not a peep from anyone,” said the President. “Very few people seem to be around.”

“I have seen an inordinate number of large bugs,” the executive added, after staring longingly at the great flame.

Detective Gee-Temple said arrests are down.

The barrels were not deemed newsworthy.

The barrels were not deemed newsworthy.

“We’ve had 268 challenges in the new year and 54 murders. At this time last year, there were 412 challenges and something like 100 murders,” Gee-Temple averred. “There were some charts around here but I think they were carried away. Things get carried away upon occasion.”

“We did have an incident a few days ago where some giant barrels were found to be accumulated behind a low, flat structure,” the detective noted hopefully. When the story was not judged to be newsworthy, Gee-Temple removed some clothes from his desk drawer and began changing. The interview was ended prematurely.

“I expect that things will pick up,” said Lankville Daily News columnist Brock Belvedere, Jr., who often covers news. “It’s just a matter of time.”

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Dr. Rubby’s Festival of Illuminated Snowmen Begins Tonight

December 2, 2014 Leave a comment
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk

By Lloyd Byas-Kirk

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

Dr. Rubby, who created Dr. Rubby's Festival of Illuminated Snowmen.

Dr. Rubby, who created Dr. Rubby’s Festival of Illuminated Snowmen.

Nothing says the holidays in Lankville like Dr. Rubby’s Festival of Illuminated Snowmen. The long-running pageant will return tonight in select locations across the country. Opening ceremonies are marked for 7PM.

“Everyone is glad when Dr. Rubby’s Festival of Illuminated Snowmen returns,” said a local resident, who later developed severe mental problems and had to be placed in a cage. “You really know that Christmas is about here when Dr. Rubby’s Festival of Illuminated Snowmen comes back!”

A series of patriotic pageants will kick-off the event, now in its 47th year. Dr. Rubby himself, now 78, will speak at the Lankville Pines event.

“It’s great to be able to bring my festival of illuminated snowmen back to Lankville for everyone to see,” noted Dr. Rubby, who began placing illuminated snowmen in fields in 1967. “As always, my festival of illuminated snowmen will be bigger, thicker and better this year. It’s always growing, always expanding, always widening its girth,” Dr. Rubby added.

Over 7 million people attend Dr. Rubby’s Festival of Illuminated Snowmen annually and the event routinely nets over $150 billion.

One of the snowmen from Dr. Rubby's Festival of Illuminated Snowmen.

One of the snowmen from Dr. Rubby’s Festival of Illuminated Snowmen.

“We’re expecting a great crowd for Dr. Rubby’s Festival of Illuminated Snowmen,” noted an event spokesman, who refused to be identified and was later forced to eat a large seat cushion at gunpoint. “Everyone in Lankville loves Dr. Rubby’s Festival of Illuminated Snowmen and it’s an integral part of the holiday season.”

For more information on Dr. Rubby’s Festival of Illuminated Snowmen, a series of hotlines have been established. Call 5-2671 (Eastern), 5-3311 (Western), 5-1618 (Desert).

WE ARE LANKVILLE

WE ARE LANKVILLE