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No News At All in Lankville Says President

Buck Igloos

Buck Igloos


Nothing newsworthy has happened in Lankville, President Pondicherry noted at a press conference held early this morning before a nebulous ceremonial flame.

“2016 has been very quiet. Not a peep from anyone,” said the President. “Very few people seem to be around.”

“I have seen an inordinate number of large bugs,” the executive added, after staring longingly at the great flame.

Detective Gee-Temple said arrests are down.

The barrels were not deemed newsworthy.

The barrels were not deemed newsworthy.

“We’ve had 268 challenges in the new year and 54 murders. At this time last year, there were 412 challenges and something like 100 murders,” Gee-Temple averred. “There were some charts around here but I think they were carried away. Things get carried away upon occasion.”

“We did have an incident a few days ago where some giant barrels were found to be accumulated behind a low, flat structure,” the detective noted hopefully. When the story was not judged to be newsworthy, Gee-Temple removed some clothes from his desk drawer and began changing. The interview was ended prematurely.

“I expect that things will pick up,” said Lankville Daily News columnist Brock Belvedere, Jr., who often covers news. “It’s just a matter of time.”

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