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Panda Thinks Puppets Are Real

Brock Belvedere

Brock Belvedere, Jr.


A pair of panda puppets made to look like real pandas are feeding tidbits of bamboo and candy to an actual month-old panda sources are confirming. The Lankville Daily News rushed right over to cover this important story at the request of our editors.

Officials at the Lankville Memorial Discount Zoo, a facility which works with endangered species when other zoos are closed, say this is no joke. They say the lessons learned by the puppet feedings may have an impact on saving the Lankville Monstrous Panda of which there are only a few hundred left in captivity. The officials went on for hours about their puppets and, at the request of our editors, we stayed to listen.

Zoo spokesman Sharon Quade-Mannion (7 out of 10) explained that the egg containing the baby panda (named “David”) was whisked away from its panda mother in a ruse called “double heaving”. At the request of our editors, we asked a follow-up question and Quade-Mannion explained the process.

“It’s simple, really. You heave an object, usually something like a chair or an ottoman, away from the mama panda and then you quickly heave another similar object. The panda becomes distracted and that’s when you snatch up that egg,” she noted. “This causes the panda to lay a second replacement egg and she sits on that egg, so she’s not really troubled by the whole process,” she added.

Quade-Mannion demonstrated the technique and, at the request of the editors, we took notes.

David, who was easily fooled.

David, who was easily fooled.

“David was born two weeks later,” said Quade-Mannion, her skin glistening with sweat from the earlier heaving. “And that’s where Joyce Mitchell-Teufel comes in.”

At the request of our editors, we were forced to ask about Ms. Mitchell-Teufel.

Turns out, Mitchell-Teufel is known as “The Puppet Lady of the Western Valley”. We copied this sobriquet down at the request of our editors. She designed a pair of panda puppets to act as “parental simulacrum” for David.

“Pandas are very easy to fool,” Mitchell-Teufel (3 out of 10) noted. “David took to them [the parents] right away!”

“And the rest, as they say, is history!” Quade-Mannion averred.

“Panda history!” Mitchell-Teufel added.

The two women began laughing hysterically and, at the request of our editors, we copied down an entire page of “ha ha’s”.

This reporter then headed straight to a nearby tavern to capture a little “local flavor”.  But not before phoning this breaking story in immediately to the editors who will doubtless send it forth to an anxiously-awaiting public.

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