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Gourds in Summer: The Sleeping Giant?

June 22, 2016 Leave a comment
Dr. David Hadbawnik

By Dr. David Hadbawnik

Dr. David Hadbawnik is Lankville’s premier authority on gourds.

You thought gourds were for autumn, the time of cider and the harvest and little people in funny hats. You thought – thanks to my previous column in THIS paper – gourds could be good for Christmas, as ornaments, gifts, holiday dream-scapes. But gourds in summer? If, perchance, the thought crossed your mind, like a big red pumpkin flying through the evening sky, no doubt you immediately dismissed it. Ridiculous! you thought.

You were wrong.

Gourds in summer are a gift, a gift I now wish to share with you. All it takes is a little love and a lot of ingenuity. You have to really want a summer gourd. Do you want it? Do you?

I thought so. Now that the idea is in your head, you can feel the love spreading out slowly, softly. Follow that love into the fields, near the meadows where a stream quietly trickles, nestling the banks with moisture. Find a rich, moist spot of ground and start digging.

Have you found anything yet? No? Keep digging.

Summer gourds don’t just jump out of the earth into your arms. It might take an hour. Three hours. Half a day. Oh, the times I’ve spent searching and digging for summer gourds. I could tell you some stories.

Let me just say that it’s always been worth it. When my fingers bump against that hardened green flesh, when I clear away the dirt and feel the shape of the gourd against the palm of my hand, when I finally pry it loose… Let me just say, it’s very satisfying indeed. Like finding a long-lost child. A child you never knew you had.

So keep digging, my friends, and find your summer gourd. They are out there, in the valleys and fields and dales, a summer giant waiting for your touch to free them. Enjoy!

Bumpkiniana

June 20, 2016 Leave a comment
By Otis Nixon

As Told to Otis Nixon

The Lankville Daily News is lusciously delighted beyond measure to present “Bumpkiniana”, a series of Bumpkin tales as recorded by folklorist Otis Nixon.

Earl came 300 miles along the tracks of the Southern Outlands Express to see his sister Tulah who lived above a greengrocer’s. He sang an old bumpkin folk song as he walked:

I’m walking
Yes, I am walking
I’m walking
To see my sister.

When he arrived, Tulah greeted him from the porch. She was wearing a unicorn costume.

“Aww, honey,” Earl said. “You ain’t gonna’ wear that unicorn hat the whole time, are you?”

“Naw, Earl,” Tulah said. “If it bothers you, I don’t need to wear it.”

She removed the helmet with the big papier mache horn to reveal long flowing brown hair.

“Aw, now, see Tulah, you always did have the most beautiful hair. Why, you’re gonna’ have just all kinds of suitors asking after you now that you took that unicorn hat off.”

Tulah blushed.

“I got you something Earl. It’s a present.”

A local lunatic's imaging of Tulah in her unicorn suit.

A local lunatic’s imagining of Tulah in her unicorn suit.

“Aw, now, Tulah, you didn’t need to go and do all that.”

She gave him a box with a big colored bow. Earl removed the top to reveal a giant crushed hat.

“Aw, my God, Tulah. Look at this hat! It’s beautiful!”

“I’m sorry it got crushed, Earl. The man at the hat store was rough with it.”

“It’s beautiful.”

They embraced, sister and brother, for the first time in years.

“You must be hungry Earl. Let’s go over to the train station. There’s a fellow over there that sells franks.”

After dinner, they sat on the porch above the greengrocer’s. A man came out below and screamed for a long time.

“Who’s that devil?” Earl said.

“Aw, he does that all the time,” Tulah said.

They set out awhile.

“Aw, this is a beautiful town you live in, Tulah.”

“I know Earl.”

Earl left the next day. “I gotta’ keep on,” he said.

As he walked away, he sang another old bumpkin folk song:

I went to see my sister
Oh, I went to see my sister
Now, I’m done seeing my sister
And now I’m fixing to walk back home

The Complete Brock Belvedere Death Notices

June 1, 2016 2 comments
Brock Belvedere

Brock Belvedere 1943-2016

April 12, 2016

Friends, I’m saddened to report that Brock Belvedere was electrocuted last night. He is currently in Room 065 (basement) at Greater Lankville Plains Less Expensive Hospital. I saw him this morning and he looked as good as could be expected. If you want to send him anything, I remember he once expressed great admiration for balloons, so that might be the best way to go. I’ll keep you posted.

April 13, 2016

An update on our friend Brock Belvedere, who was electrocuted last night.

I went back to see Brock this afternoon but he was not in his room. When I inquired at the darkened nurses’ stand, I was told that Brock had been “misplaced”. “We lost him,” the nurse said. “Sorry.” They hope to find Brock later this evening. Before he was misplaced, the nurse noted that he was feeling slightly better and that he even sat up in bed and drank a big soda.

I hope to have another update for you all in the morning.

April 13, 2016

Friends– an update on dear Brock Belvedere, who was electrocuted two days ago.

First off, Brock has been found!!! He was accidentally thrown away by an over-eager janitor and, fortunately, an intern came upon him, nestled in the bin on top of some discarded food. They cleaned him up and I’m happy to say, placed him in the only available room (which is in the psychiatric bad manners ward on the first floor). I brought Brock some breakfast cake this morning but he was still in a semi-conscious state, so I ended up eating the cake myself. Our dear friend looks better– his skin has a certain sheen that I appreciated but it is still very, very grey. I am hoping that the fluids they are pumping into Brock (strangely, three lines are going into his arms causing some visible swelling) will help him. I will have an update a little later.

April 14, 2016

Brock Belvedere ceremonial collectible keepsake.

Brock Belvedere ceremonial collectible keepsake.

Everyone– it is with deep sorrow that I must inform you that our dear friend Brock Belvedere has died.

Friends are invited to call at the Life Lessons Funeral Home (ceremonial collectible funeral keepsake attached) tomorrow and Friday from 1-3, 5-7, and 11-1.

Brock seemed to be improving this morning but I am told he took a turn for the worse after lunch. “His skin began to take on the color of a dried sponge,” one nurse noted. “He began to sort of fold in on himself,” another added.

He died at 2:16 LST.

Goodnight, friend.

April 14, 2016

Friends– an update on the viewing of dear Brock Belvedere, today and Friday at the Life Lessons Funeral Home.

Brock had a little cash in his wallet so, in accordance to what we think his wishes may have been, we decided to have a box lunch for his friends. We are taking orders now.

Lunch will be provided by the catering division of Vitiello Decorative Hams, Inc. Below are the options:

-Turkey Club on a sliced decorative ham: Turkey, bacon ,swiss-like cheese, lettuce & tomato on a flaky decorative ham with fruit, chips, cookies and a bottled water.

-Honey Mustard Chicken: Marinated/grilled honey mustard filet on a sliced, crisp decorative ham with muenster-like cheese, whole real fruits, chips, cookies and a bottled water.

– The Vitiello Combo: Turkey, Swiss-like cheese, dijon-like mustard on a petite sliced and breaded decorative ham with cheddar-like cheese on the side, a fruit, chips, cake substance and a bottled water.12961637_1194170930604027_8967629342013025933_n

-Vegetables: Just a plate of mildly steamed vegetables, poorly presented (Vitiello Decorative Hams detests vegetarians).

Please RSVP your choice to Devon Fick using the “comment” option. As you can see (attached), I am keeping very careful track of the selections utilizing Excel Spreadsheets with complex summation formulas so that I can instantly tabulate final food totals.

God Bless our Friend.

April 14, 2016

Brock Belvedere Bereavement Frisbees

Brock Belvedere Bereavement Frisbees

Friends– we now have a quantity of Brock Belvedere Bereavement Frisbees available. Remember our departed loved one with these flying discs made of durable environmentally-friendly cross-woven plastic. We only have orange right now. 9 1/4″ diameter (standard).
$12.99, 8 for $59.99.

April 14, 2016
Friends– we also have a small quantity of Brock Belvedere beer cozies. We all remember how much Brock liked to keep his hands warm and dry while his drinks maintained a cold temperature. And now, you can honor his memory by doing the same. Made with the well-known wetsuit material crafted in the Western Lankville Rubber Regions, these can coolers feature 3mm walls, fit up to 12 oz. cans, and are sewn together for a secure hold. They are available in colors that include white, black, blue, neon pink, yellow, camo, turquoise and others.

RIP, dear friend.

April 15, 2016

Friends, the first viewing for Brock Belvedere was an unprecedented success. So many vivid memories, textures and feelings. I know we all had a wonderful time (especially at the 11-1 session).

Remember, if you couldn’t make it yesterday, you can still look at Brock’s lifeless body today from 1-3, 5-7, and 11-1 at the Life Lessons Funeral Home in the Southern Lankville Marshland Area. We have also set up a “Brock Belvedere Bereavement Shop” where you can pick up a number of terrific items including the Brock Belvedere “Thanks Brock” basketballs, the Bereavement Frisbees and the beer cozies. Plus, we’re offering a package deal. Get all three for just $29.99 (limited quantities, one per bereaved).

 

OPINION: It’s Brian Schropp’s Birthday and Shit

February 14, 2016 Leave a comment
By Scott, Manager of the Pizza A-Round

By Scott, Manager of the Pizza A-Round

There’s a lot of people already calling up, asking for heart-shaped pizzas. I guess it’s Valentine’s Day or some crap.

But I’m here to give you a better reason to pick up a Pizza A-Round pie.

It’s Brian Schropp’s birthday and shit.

That’s right. My main man turns, like 38 or 43 or whatever, today. And to celebrate– the Round is dropping a deal on you, Lankville. You order a Mid-Morning Breakfast Snack Pizza (available all-day, today ONLY), mention Brian’s birthday, and we’ll deliver it FOR FREE. Even though I gave Big Bri the day off today, I kept him here at the Round until about 4AM last night, prepping these bad boys. So, we got a shit-ton of ’em.

Call now.

And Happy Birthday, my man.

News in Brief

December 14, 2015 Leave a comment
By Brock Belvedere

By Brock Belvedere

KEEBAUGH HONORED

Zach Keebaugh

Zach Keebaugh got a medallion.

Lankville Daily News columnist Zach Keebaugh received a shimmering medallion last night for his work in the field of investigative reporting. Keebaugh was one of three recipients.

“Yo, it’s good to get out, socialize, get this god damn medallion,” the journalist noted. “I spend an awful lot of time in that overheated hell of an apartment over the knives and puzzles shop, just doing nothing, man. Just sitting around with one of those little plastic games, man. You know, where you got to guide the marble through the maze. God, what a shit show. Who knows, might meet some ladies here, take one of them home, you never can tell, man.”

Keebaugh did not take any ladies home, sources later confirmed.

SAMWAYS AND FICK ISSUES HOLIDAY CARD

A glimpse at the message inside the Samways and Fick Annual Holiday Card.

A glimpse at the message inside the Samways and Fick Annual Holiday Card.

Samways and Fick, Lankville’s most prestigious consulting firm, issued its annual holiday card today after much anticipation.

“I wrote the interior message myself,” Samways, who was wearing a giant foam jacket, noted. “I think it’s really beautiful and conveys to our clients how much we love them, how much we grow with them and they with us.”

The foam jacket suddenly began to expand and Samways ended the interview prematurely.

Only 300 holiday cards were issued.

“Your business should consider itself very, very lucky to get a Samways and Fick card,” said Barlow Foods CEO John Barlow. “It means that you are at the pinnacle of commerce in Lankville. We, of course, get one every year.”

Samways and Fick has been helping you reach the area near the top of your mountain since last year.

SMALL MOTEL GIRL WRESTLING ROUNDUP

A series of exciting small motel girl wrestling matches were held last night at the El Patio Motel (Room 14) in Capitol City.

Tandy McLemore (14-3) defeated newcomer Peachy Lynn the Bomber (0-1) in the headliner.

“Peachy Lynn tried cornering Tandy between the two double beds,” noted commentator Dick Oakes, Jr. “That’s a real rookie mistake and she paid for it. The area between the double beds is an absolute no-man’s land in small motel girl wrestling.”

McLemore is set to take on The Fabulous Lass (13-2) in January.

Lankville Daily News Guide to Picking the Perfect Thanksgiving Day Outfit

November 25, 2015 Leave a comment
By Ric Royer

By Ric Royer

HOLIDAY NEWS YOU CAN USE

Begin by understanding your Thanksgiving location beforehand. If you have never been there before, it will be important to case the house weeks in advance. Affect the persona of a gas and electric official, a salesman of tents, or one of those guys that solicits donations for pandas in order to have a better look. Pay close attention to doors and windows.

Avoid buying your outfit anywhere but at a large, suburban shopping mall. I generally skip the “poor” area of the mall and go straight for the luxury wing. Be sure to stop at the food court first though and loudly consume a meal rich with proteins. Be sure that at least one item you have ordered is a similar repeatable shape (you’ll see why). Complete your repast with a Cinnamon Buns. Order it “to go” and make sure the server gives you a wide basin (don’t them let tell you differently– THEY DO HAVE THEM).  This way, you can rip the Cinnamon Buns apart as you walk along and let the errant pieces drop into the wide basin. Sometimes, it’s best to order two or three.

You may at first be tempted to simply purchase one of the many shirts that says “Thanksgiving” across its front– don’t be fooled. This is merely a ploy by certain retailers to sell more shirts. Ignore it. If you have the means, reach into the display case and knock over the mannequins. “I’M TEACHING YOU A LESSON,” you should say as you do this. You might save this act for last, however. Move onto the luxury retailer of your choice. Pick out a paisley blazer, red pants and some high socks that reach above the knee. Shove them onto the counter and turn your head away as though the last thing in the world you are interested in is buying these wretched rags (this often teaches the stores another lesson worth learning).

You will now want to leave the mall completely and head over to your nearest home improvement store– I recommend Home Dump. They have many locations, are severely understaffed, and easy to steal from. Pick out a bucket, a link of chain suitable to wear around the neck, a bundle of cedar wood shingles and several elongated lighters. You can hide a lot of these items in the bottom of the bucket– just throw your jacket on top! Often, they even forget to charge you for the bucket! Pay only for the shingles and the lighters.

Hopefully, by now, you will have a sense of where you be spending the big day. I want you to have a window selected– know that window. Does it push open in an inward manner (see photo)? Does it need to be thrown upward? Will it have to simply be busted through completely? Whatever the case, have your friend or lover drape a heavy canvas throw tarp directly beneath the window (so, you’ll need to go back to Home Dump and get one of those– I forgot before). Put on the chain and the red pants and keep the blazer handy in case it’s chilly.

And now, when you’re ready to greet your family, your friend’s family or your lover’s family, you come bursting through the window with one of the shingles in your hand (the shingle should be on fire). I often find it useful to have my face painted as well and to be crying but that’s your choice.

You won’t come up short with this method. Everyone will have a wonderful time.

Ric Royer is a prominent Lankville businessman. He currently lives in the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness mental institution.

Barlow Foods to Start Selling New Type of Apple

November 6, 2014 Leave a comment
By Brock Belvedere

By Brock Belvedere

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

Balloon Town, one of two new apple varieties developed by Lankville Hilly Area University, will make its commercial debut on Barlow Foods shelves this weekend.

Derived from the Aromatic Davey hybrid, Balloon Town is described as crunchy, juicy, red, spicy, and “a little audacious”. “It’s a bit like going out to an upscale restaurant with a classy guy who then slams you in the ass,” noted researcher Linda Marloni, who worked on the much-anticipated project. “It’s a brazen little fruit.”

In the works for a decade, the first trees were planted by Barlow Foods in 2010. The first limited commercial crop is expected to supply stores for roughly nine weeks before selling out.

“I’ll be keeping an eye on it,” said Barlow Foods CEO John Barlow, who was interviewed while eating dry cereal out of a heavily-dented plastic container in his office. “There is not a lot of margin for error at Barlow Foods. If Balloon Town doesn’t move and move quickly, then decisions will have to be made.”

Barlow Foods CEO John Barlow

Barlow Foods CEO John Barlow

The interview was suddenly interrupted by the intrusion of two furniture movers laboring beneath a gigantic wicker sofa. The sofa was instantly revealed to clash dramatically with Barlow’s existing furnishings and, further, was shabby and cheaply-made upon closer inspection. Indeed, no matter where the movers placed the sofa, the effect was the same.

Barlow suggested that the sofa should be returned but the movers demurred, pointing out an amendment to the receipt that forbid such exchanges. Barlow protested but the men ignored him and proceeded to drag the sofa out into the weedy area behind the store where they dumped it unceremoniously beneath the overhang of a giant tree.

Barlow turned to me, his eyes now streaming with tears. “You better go now,” he said in a tiny, yet maniacal voice. “You better goooooooo now,” he said again, this time in a high-pitched voice most certainly not his own.

And then he headed towards the movers.

Shoppers should find Balloon Town in the produce section of their local Barlow Stores by 9AM Saturday.