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Barlow Foods to Start Selling New Type of Apple

November 6, 2014 Leave a comment Go to comments
By Brock Belvedere

By Brock Belvedere


Balloon Town, one of two new apple varieties developed by Lankville Hilly Area University, will make its commercial debut on Barlow Foods shelves this weekend.

Derived from the Aromatic Davey hybrid, Balloon Town is described as crunchy, juicy, red, spicy, and “a little audacious”. “It’s a bit like going out to an upscale restaurant with a classy guy who then slams you in the ass,” noted researcher Linda Marloni, who worked on the much-anticipated project. “It’s a brazen little fruit.”

In the works for a decade, the first trees were planted by Barlow Foods in 2010. The first limited commercial crop is expected to supply stores for roughly nine weeks before selling out.

“I’ll be keeping an eye on it,” said Barlow Foods CEO John Barlow, who was interviewed while eating dry cereal out of a heavily-dented plastic container in his office. “There is not a lot of margin for error at Barlow Foods. If Balloon Town doesn’t move and move quickly, then decisions will have to be made.”

Barlow Foods CEO John Barlow

Barlow Foods CEO John Barlow

The interview was suddenly interrupted by the intrusion of two furniture movers laboring beneath a gigantic wicker sofa. The sofa was instantly revealed to clash dramatically with Barlow’s existing furnishings and, further, was shabby and cheaply-made upon closer inspection. Indeed, no matter where the movers placed the sofa, the effect was the same.

Barlow suggested that the sofa should be returned but the movers demurred, pointing out an amendment to the receipt that forbid such exchanges. Barlow protested but the men ignored him and proceeded to drag the sofa out into the weedy area behind the store where they dumped it unceremoniously beneath the overhang of a giant tree.

Barlow turned to me, his eyes now streaming with tears. “You better go now,” he said in a tiny, yet maniacal voice. “You better goooooooo now,” he said again, this time in a high-pitched voice most certainly not his own.

And then he headed towards the movers.

Shoppers should find Balloon Town in the produce section of their local Barlow Stores by 9AM Saturday.

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