Home > Lankville Action News: YES! > Area Hospital Tabs Former “Pill Pirate” as House Detective

Area Hospital Tabs Former “Pill Pirate” as House Detective

November 6, 2014 Leave a comment Go to comments
By Grady Kitchens

By Grady Kitchens


Eastern Defoliated Area General Hospital has hired a new house detective in an effort to combat a recent wave of crime. His name?

The infamous “Pill Pirate”.

The announcement was made this morning in a joint press conference between the Pirate himself, now known as John Berunds, Lankville Bureau of Probes Detective Houston Gee-Temple and Hospital administrator Kurt Rumbus in which no food whatsoever was served.

“Eastern Defoliated needs a man like John,” noted Rumbus. “Our losses due to theft are in the millions this year alone. Thieves have been taking everything from pills and medical supplies to entire room furnishings including sofas, patient beds, and beautiful framed artwork. As you can imagine, it’s very difficult to do our jobs with these sort of shenanigans going on.”

"Pill Pirate" turned writer/detective John Berunds.

“Pill Pirate” turned writer/detective John Berunds.

Berunds, who became reformed in 2001 and began a second career as a successful author of spiritual science fiction novels, spoke briefly of his time as the legendary pirate.

“I stole pills from nearly every hospital in Lankville,” noted Berunds, who now lives quietly with his wife and 14 children in an area suburb. “It was entirely to support my own spiritual illness, you understand, I was chemically altering my life in a way to make it tolerable because I was failing to look within but also without and also up and also over the mountains, the spiritual mountains, you understand. When I was finally arrested [in 1997], I vowed to help others via my literary gifts and also by catching and bringing to justice others in the same predicament. There can be no healing until one is shoved into prison. I believe that.”

“I’m looking forward to assisting Eastern Defoliated,” Berunds added, after an eerie silence.

Berunds would not elaborate on what means he would employ to catch prospective thieves but did say that anything is on the table.

“I would have no problem dressing up as a nurse. Or a female patient. Or a female visitor,” noted the famous bandit turned scribbler.  “I have a number of costumes.”

Berunds will begin his latest position some time in the next month.

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