Archive
THE LANKVILLE FAN-FICTION CLUB IS A MALEBOLGIAN SNAKEPIT
By Seamus Goldfarb
Sponsored by Inflamed by Stars and Blood: Lankville’s Premier Science Fiction and Horror Review
Intrigue rocks Lankville’s once esteemed fan-fiction community as its beloved President (the humble author of this article employing the rarely used 4th Person Totes Objective Perspective) Seamus Goldfarb was ousted in an emergency vote held during his double shift last night at the unicorn keychain kiosk at Twin Removed Pines Mall. What was his crime, gentle reader? It was merely pursuing his passion for the craft which had brought us all– the Lankville Fan-Fiction Writers Club– to the Pontiff’s Pizza on the corner of I-34 in the first place. A philistine amongst our number discovered within my extensive online body of work a large cache of BOT RANGERS, DECAMP! slash fiction and reported it to our ethics committee (Chad, Steve and Island Steve– j’accuse!) as some kind of “violation”. The real violation is allowing the inner life of the 1989 series Delta Squad: Harass characters to be left unexplored. While my own Fifty Shades of Harass was a genre exploding work it was not simply “Glorifed porn starring two guys in pantsuits rubbing all over each other” as one less than enlightened commenter on my blog put it. I will of course be appealing this decision at the next bi-monthly table read and Big Stuffed Pizza Brunch. My case is as strong as the narrative of my thirty seven chapter Richard and the Postman/Asteroid Belt Avengers cross-over but if the worst happens and rightful office is not restored I will soldier on. After all, there is another perfectly good Pontiff’s Pizza next to the shopping cart swamp by the old tire plant. Like a phoenix from the ashes, I will rise again as will a new and better Fan Fiction Club to service all of Lankville’s extended and meta canon needs. I’ll leave you with a fitting quote from my next opus which I will upload as soon I finish cleaning the keychain engraver at work tonight.
“Strike me down Dr. Richard and I shall only become more radical-er than you could ever imagine!” The Postman- “The Ultra Richard and the Postman Chronicles”
The opinions of Seamus Goldfarb are not necessarily those of the Lankville Daily News or any of its subsidiaries.
Mr. Daniel Madison (Northwestern Lankville suburban area) contributed to this article.
The Electronics Cranny: New Semi-Portable Typing Machine Now Available!
By Neil Cuppy
How many times have you said to yourself, “HOLY GOD JESUS IN CHRIST’S HELL! I can’t read my own handwriting!” Often the information you are trying to decipher is critically important– perhaps even could save someone from being murdered. Wouldn’t it be great if you had a semi-portable typing machine that you could just whip out every time you had to jot down a message? Well, with the new Handi-Writer from Fick Industries, you can do exactly that! Now you can carry a typewriter everywhere and use it when needed.
The Handi-Writer is small enough that it can be strapped to your back using the patented Sling-Cups design. Although it can not be measured, it checks in at only 26.2 pounds– it’s actually no heavier than two heavy bowling bowls in a sack. The Handi-Writer is made possible by advanced technologies and new theories in slight keyboard compression. “The keyboard is very, very slightly smaller than a normal typewriter keyboard,” said Fick Industries founder Fick from his dark, eerie home on the gloomy Lankville heaths. “This is what makes the Handi-Writer semi-portable.”
Best of all, the Handi-Writer is easy to use. Just switch the patented “Fick Knob” to the “Type” setting and begin typing (be sure that you have already disengaged the chassis first). Then press the “Memo” key. Finally, press the “Data” key and then click “Yes”.
“It’s actually no heavier than two heavy bowling balls in a sack.”
Stupid bitch uses a conventional computer device.
Begin typing your note– it’s that simple!
Make an error? No problem. Disengage the “Memo” key, press “BUFFER” and enter your corrections. The Handi-Writer comes equipped with a “Fick Memory Chips” that will hold up to 24 characters at any given time. Best of all, as you’re typing, your information will appear on the Liquid Matrix Data Screen Dots display. Just another fail-safe from Fick Industries.
Ready to print your note? Just insert paper into the top of the device, lube the rollers and press “YES” (not the same YES as on the data key, however). The Handi-Writer will now expertly line and rule your note and slowly begin printing your document (average time– 25-30 minutes). Your note is now permanently recorded.
Best of all, Fick Industries is now inviting you to try the Handi-Writer on a 30-day free trial basis. Decide you love it, and you’ll pay just $239.99 plus $99.99 shipping. Don’t love it? Well, we’ll see. Comes complete with AC adapter, paper, sheets, card template, balloons. Call today– Heaths, 5-2116.
I Want to Tell You All About My New Boyfriend
By Ashley Pfeiffers
OPINIONS OF YOUTH
Whenever I think of my new boyfriend, I just get the biggest smile. He’s down in a parking lot right now by the woods.
Twin Removed Pines Mall where my new boyfriend and I got our shakes.
Today, we went and got pizza. Just slices, not a whole pizza. He said, “I’m not even that hungry. Because, I’m full of love.” I just giggled and giggled and the guy behind the pizza counter got a little testy. Then, my new boyfriend and I went down under the overpass and I watched him spray paint a big giant kitten on the concrete.
I’m not even that hungry. Because, I’m full of love.
“It’s getting a little chilly in the late afternoons now,” my new boyfriend said. “Might be time to get a new hoodie.” So, my new boyfriend and I went to Twin Removed Pines Mall. He bought a couple of hoodies with all these jagged yellow designs all over them and some flared pants and then we got a shake. “One straw,” he told the shake guy. Then, he kissed me.
We went over to the table. “Why’d you kiss me in front of the shake guy?” I asked my new boyfriend.” “I don’t care if he sees,” he said. “It’s just you and me, Ash.” I just about died.
Then, it got to be about four o’clock and my new boyfriend had to be getting over to the parking lot by the woods. I went back to his room with him and he put on his new hoodie. Gosh, he looked good. “I’ve gotta’ be getting down to see the guys,” he said. “A lot of ideas flowin’ tonight.” I wasn’t sure what my new boyfriend was talking about but it didn’t matter.
We’re so in love.
The opinions of Ashley Pfeiffers are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News or any of its subsidiaries.
Royer’s Madcap Experiences: The Girls at Washington Flats
By Ric Royer
There were some girls that operated a little bakery out of an old gas station. There was an ample little weedy parking lot and an old sign that had been changed out to show a close-up color photograph of a muffin. Dilapidated mill houses could be seen in the hills behind.
This was Washington Flats.
One day I waltzed in. I pretended to admire the fancy embroidered tea cozies and girly, racked greeting cards. Then I made right for the counter and the bakery case. One of the girls came out from the back.
She was a brunette with a round but pleasant face.
“So, what you got here, cookies?” I asked. I very slowly moved my index finger to a spinning basket rack of bagged heart-shaped chocolates. She watched me all the way. I fingered the metallic edge and then spun the rack furiously. She was going for it.
“Yes…here’s what we have today,” she said, not even pointing at the case. Everything was breaking down for her.
“Looks like you’ve been busy,” I commented. “Give me one of those chocolate tops.”
She removed the tray from the case and started to bag it.
“No, no,” I said gently. “Feed it to me.”
She was trembling now but she held the cookie to my mouth. At first, I allowed my tongue to tickle the edge and then I suddenly bit into it ferociously, shaking my head side to side like an animal.
It was done. With one arm, I cleared the counter.
Later, in the back room, I turned to her.
“I actually am hungry. Why not bring one of those trays back here?”
She proudly brought back a full tray of tea cakes. I ate them half-heartedly. I hate tea cakes.
But that’s what you get when you allow for a trip to Washington Flats.
OPINION: My Ultimate Plan is to Destroy You
By a nearby kitten.
I won’t mince words here. My ultimate plan is to destroy you.
You know how when you come downstairs in the morning and you’re in a hurry and you microwave yourself a breakfast burrito and I fucking stand there at the bowl and you don’t make a move towards feeding me? You know that? And you rush out and you just totally stonewall me? You know how that happens quite often, right? Well, guess what asshole? No more. Because now I have a plan cooked up that means your total, ultimate destruction.
As soon as I know you’re gone for good, I go down into the basement and start on the gas pipe. I’ve got that thing good and bent already. Then, I work a little bit on the line. I just drop a hammer on that fucker for a couple of hours. That’s right baby, I got nothing but time. That line is getting good and ruptured. And you know what, man? You’re never gonna’ know about it.
You might ask– doesn’t this ultimate plan of destruction mean my own destruction as well? Isn’t there an irony there? Not me, buddy. I got a whole plan of escape already worked out. When it’s time for this shit to go down, you won’t see me again. I’ll be miles away– I’ll just be able to make out the top of the explosion above the trees.
And I’ll turn and continue on down the road.
The Lankville Daily News does not necessarily condone this sort of activity.
Area Hospital Tabs Former “Pill Pirate” as House Detective
By Grady Kitchens
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Eastern Defoliated Area General Hospital has hired a new house detective in an effort to combat a recent wave of crime. His name?
The infamous “Pill Pirate”.
The announcement was made this morning in a joint press conference between the Pirate himself, now known as John Berunds, Lankville Bureau of Probes Detective Houston Gee-Temple and Hospital administrator Kurt Rumbus in which no food whatsoever was served.
“Eastern Defoliated needs a man like John,” noted Rumbus. “Our losses due to theft are in the millions this year alone. Thieves have been taking everything from pills and medical supplies to entire room furnishings including sofas, patient beds, and beautiful framed artwork. As you can imagine, it’s very difficult to do our jobs with these sort of shenanigans going on.”
“Pill Pirate” turned writer/detective John Berunds.
Berunds, who became reformed in 2001 and began a second career as a successful author of spiritual science fiction novels, spoke briefly of his time as the legendary pirate.
“I stole pills from nearly every hospital in Lankville,” noted Berunds, who now lives quietly with his wife and 14 children in an area suburb. “It was entirely to support my own spiritual illness, you understand, I was chemically altering my life in a way to make it tolerable because I was failing to look within but also without and also up and also over the mountains, the spiritual mountains, you understand. When I was finally arrested [in 1997], I vowed to help others via my literary gifts and also by catching and bringing to justice others in the same predicament. There can be no healing until one is shoved into prison. I believe that.”
“I’m looking forward to assisting Eastern Defoliated,” Berunds added, after an eerie silence.
Berunds would not elaborate on what means he would employ to catch prospective thieves but did say that anything is on the table.
“I would have no problem dressing up as a nurse. Or a female patient. Or a female visitor,” noted the famous bandit turned scribbler. “I have a number of costumes.”
Berunds will begin his latest position some time in the next month.
Five Ways to Repurpose Leftover Pumpkins by David Hadbawnik
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES! NEWS YOU CAN USE
David Hadbawnik is Lankville’s premier authority on the proper disposal of pumpkins and gourds.
Each day, I receive hundreds of thousands of emails from readers just like you, asking about proper methods of pumpkin disposal. So, for those in a pumpkin crisis, I’ve laid down a few easy tips. So grab a cup of coffee, take a deep breath, relax, do a few light stretches and then read on:
1. If your pumpkin is whole and uncarved…consider moving him (all pumpkins are masculine) inside to be part of your Thanksgiving holiday decorations! I can’t tell you how many people come up to me in restaurants, bus stations and outside and say, “David, you wouldn’t believe how a few pumpkins transformed my otherwise moribund Thanksgiving interior decor!” I’m never surprised– after all, pumpkins add a splash of orange to maize displays, cranberry candle exhibits and glittered leaf table decor. And they remind us of some of our earliest Lankville settlers who ate a lot of pumpkins so there is historical value.
2. Donate them to a zoo…there is nothing a zookeeper likes better than looking up to find a family toting a rickety wagon full of old pumpkins into the park. If they refuse (they shouldn’t!), then simply make a few calls to any nearby pumpkin farm worker and ask them what to do.
3. If you carved your pumpkin just a few days prior to Halloween, then you should be able to still use the innards (or, as I like to call it, “the orange gold”) for soups, pies, candy or soda. Note: a 5-pound pumpkin can make about two 9-inch pies (utilize an electronic device for further calculations).
Not sure what to do with ALL THOSE PUMPKINS? David Hadbawnik breaks it down for you.
4. How about trying to learn more about pumpkins? Understand them better? Start a neighborhood garden and pumpkin dump. Get to know the people in your community.
5. Feed your pumpkins to a horse– or to someone who has a horse. Always ask permission first! Horses love pumpkins almost more than zoo animals. In fact, of all the animals, horses are known to like pumpkins best. (Reader recommendation).
As always, enjoy and happy holidays!
DHad
Cones Used to Fucking Mean Something
Fingers Rolly Man on the Street
Used to be, those faggots in orange hats would put out some cones and you’d stay the hell away. It meant something. Now? Don’t mean shit.
Cones have lost their meaning, Fingers Rolly suggests.
They put a cone on the corner of a sidewalk by some son of a bitch bush. There ain’t nothing there- not a goddamned reason for there to be a cone. It just sits there like that fucking desert, just mocking me from my kitchen window. That motherloving cracked brown whore. “You’ll love living in the desert,” the realtor said back in the day. Wish I could find that mollycoddled little asshole now.
Nowadays, people have private cones. What in the hell does that mean? You can just go into Home Dump or some bullshit place like that and buy a whole stack of ’em. You don’t have to show no identification or nothing. Fucking nonsense.
I loathe the desert.
The Lankville Daily News would like to apologize for the preceding article. Mr. Rolly was assigned an article on recycling efforts in the Lankville Highlands.
Royer’s Madcap Experiences: The Haunted Profiterole
By Ric Royer
I decided to order a profiterole for dessert. The waiter brought me a copy of Profiterole Digest. The cover showed a gigantic pile of profiteroles photographed in a red wagon. “We have everything in there except for custard, chocolates, and the one that has the hose attached so you can suck out the cream.” He pressed his crotch as he said that last part but I decided to ignore it.
I went with the “Special Occasion Profiterole”. The waiter disappeared. Ten minutes later, another waiter appeared with the pastry. He went away wordlessly.
I stared at the profiterole. They had presented it well– there were little lines of chocolate all along the plate edge and a series of minced strawberries along one side. They had also placed a little off-white card and the words “pastry ball” had been written there in fine calligraphy. There was also an emergency number printed on the back.
I picked up the profiterole and ate half in one bite. It was then that I became aware of an eldritch phantasm from beyond the borders of this world.
It was then that I became aware of an eldritch phantasm from beyond the borders of this world.
I dropped the profiterole. It had turned green and was covered in blood. I could taste the gore in my mouth but could not expel it. Two waiters, watching from behind a ledge and a series of hydrangea bushes, suddenly expired.
“It was a hell beast, unleashed by your indulgence,” said a voice that sounded not unlike a kindly grandfather. I fell over backwards in my chair. Next, I was being dragged by something unseen, deeply into the purlieu. There seemed to be a lot of vomit there.
The next thing I remember is the cargo train. I was packed roughly into a boxcar full of sacks of grains. There was another man there who had had a series of pastries slammed against his face. He nodded slowly.
It was then that I could finally scream.
Local Office Snack Table Deemed a “Torrent of Lavishness and Superabundance”
By Brock Belvedere
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
A local office snack table has been deemed a “torrent of lavishness and superabundance” by staff members, sources are confirming.
The snack counter, located in the rear of the Supps Cleaning Supplies Quality Control and Safety Division, has drawn immediate and widespread praise.
The cornucopia of snacks that has the business world abuzz this morning.
“We usually have some good snacks, Barbara does a good job of putting a wide range of options out for folks,” noted Director of Communications Glenn Sundberg. “But, when I went back today, I was just blown away. The horn blew for us today and the music that came out was plenty.”
The offerings included two portable pudding packages, an apple, a granola slab, a dish of assorted candies, coffee, and a platter of meats (not pictured).
“I just had a brainstorm to include the meats and the coffee,” noted administrative assistant Barbara Aase, who has been in charge of snack placement in the office for eight years. “I thought the meats would go at lunchtime but people gobbled them up so fast that your photographer couldn’t even include them. I’m not even sure what happened to the protective plastic cover– I think it was crushed underfoot and then hurled far away in the confusion. Anyway, I’m glad people are pleased.”
The luxurious bounty has a dark side, however– two employees are currently missing.
“We have no idea what happened to Dawn and Gerard,” noted Sundberg, as he polished off one of the puddings. “As Barb noted, there was a lot of confusion back there when the word got out. Hopefully, we’ll see them later in the day or maybe tomorrow.”
Aase says that she will experiment with other layouts in the coming days.
“It’s all about presentation,” she noted, as he began scrubbing down the walls surrounding the snack table. “I’m glad everyone is having a good time.”
Royer to Launch Dating Site Tomorrow
By Gump Tibbs
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Royer Entertainments CEO Ric Royer announced today that he will launch his new dating website tomorrow at noon.
“Smackers.com” claims to provide a unique personality profiling analysis via a series of detailed questions that endeavor to gauge “value systems”, “beliefs”, “preferences” and “interests”. The site has already drawn criticism, however, from some dating experts.
“The name of the site is rather provocative for starters,” noted critic Dawn Halpers. “There is bound to be some immediate confusion.”
Royer, who was interviewed while installing some new pieces to his voluminous illuminated porcelain Christmas village, refuted the comments.
“The site is about bringing the lonely together. It’s very scientific. Everyone is having a wonderful time.”
The CEO began screaming suddenly when a porcelain figure of an elderly lady holding a shopping bag toppled over. The interview had to be ended prematurely.
Halpers noted other issues with “Smackers.com”.
“The questions are unique but not particularly conducive to matching two personalities for dating purposes. If you look at some of the questions– this one, for example– “Do you believe that the kisses of stars rain hard upon the body?” followed by a rather senseless numerical rating sequence of 1-7. It’s hard to imagine how answering that question would bring you any closer to finding your perfect match,” the critic opined.
Nevertheless, “Smackers.com” already has over one billion pre-registered users and appears destined to become Lankville’s number one online dating service.
SAMPLE QUESTIONS FROM SMACKERS.COM PROFILE ANALYSIS
| -Rate your travels in the Land of No God. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
-Are you done with the illusions of dogma? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 -Do you eat animals? 1 2 3 4 5 7 8 -Woman stands alone as the High Priestess of Love at the Altar of Life and man
|
Lankville Rising Citizen Award Goes to Engines
Mrs. Larry Temple
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Miss Holly Engines, daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Willard Engines of Route 16, Lankville Highlands, has been selected by the Bureau of High School Achievement Probers as recipient of the 2014 “Rising Citizen Award” sources are now confirming.
Mrs. Holly Engines, Rising Citizen.
Holly was selected on the basis of dependability, service, folding, leadership, and extreme patriotism. She was an overwhelming choice of the Bureau.
“Holly has a heart of gold,” said Bureau member and small pizza magnate “Inner Hammer”. “She took this contest and blew everyone else out of the water. She grabbed this contest and pumped it up like a god damn pyramid, is what she did.”
Holly has been quite active in school, ranking in the top 5% at Supps Bleach and Cleaning Supplies High School throughout her first three years. Along with her academic standing, she has been quite active in extra-curricular activities which include the following: Band 9-11, Chorus, 9-11, Restrained Volleyball 9-11, Track, 9-10, Forensics 9-11, Pep Club 9-11, Lingus Nets 9-11, Yearbook 9-11, Sad Drama Club 9-11, Phone Manners 10-11.
Holly, a junior, has career plans which include college at the University of the Eastern Hills of Lankville.
The Award includes a small university stipend and a year’s supply of small pizzas.
“We’ll be taking care of Holly,” noted “Inner Hammer”. “She won’t have to worry about ordering any god damn small pizzas for awhile. It’s a good lesson for all the kids out there.”
No Update on Wind-Blown Bumpkins: Schropp on Breakfast Sandwiches
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
No updates are reported on the bumpkins who were blown away by the wind last week.
No update on the bumpkins, Gee-Temple says.
“I’m not sure what you’re looking for Lloyd,” said Detective Gee-Temple. “Getting blown away by the wind is an act of finality. There are no updates and there never will be any updates.”
Gee-Temple took a sip of coffee and admired the morning sunrise out of his office windows.
“They’re gone,” he added after some time had passed.
SCHROPP ON THE MOMENT THAT CHANGED HIS LIFE FOREVER
Breakfast sandwiches– yes, they are my life. Ever since that fateful June day long ago when one was placed before me– a starry-eyed lad in search of a dream, a reason to believe, FOUND, after taking that first bite. I still remember the crunch, the bite of bacon with egg and cheese in between that warm, tender biscuit. That moment everything became more real and unreal at once, like I was newborn again. The whiteness of the paper plate with the small grease stains left by the sandwich. The heat of that June morning warming back through the window. My Mom’s voice seeming a million miles away, asking me if I wanted milk or orange juice. Why? Why would I need further essence? I recall thinking as I stared at the strawberry toaster pastries left out for me in case I didn’t like the breakfast sandwich and knowing that I was leaving those pastries behind FOREVER.
Schropp knew he was leaving those pastries behind forever.
Oh yes, breakfast sandwiches are my life. But the time has come to expand my horizons. Not only for the greater good of Lankville but, I don’t know, maybe to GET OUT FROM BENEATH THE SHADOW OF THE THESE BUMPKINS? IS THIS EVEN A STORY GUYS!!?? THERE IS NO UPDATE ON THEM!! CUISINE NEED NOT BE PAIRED WITH A STORY ABOUT BUMPKINS! IT MAKES NO SENSE WHATSOEVER. But…that’s ok. I’m calm now.
Anyway, I have decided to include other food passions of mine (buffets and anything fried) to my future articles. I believe these two food arenas will find similar zeal in many residents here and I would love to bring you my future thoughts and reviews– perhaps in, you know, a DEDICATED food column. My family (particularly the female members) have long remarked how I am a “sweet, sensitive man” and, in turn, I feel as if I have a “sweet, sensitive food palate” which I hope you can come to trust.
The Trinity by Brian Schropp (2013).
Please do not worry that this will lead to me writing less and less about breakfast sandwiches or people’s right to eat them anytime or anywhere. I have already addressed some fellow members of the BSU (Breakfast Sandwich Underground) and their concerns. And I would like to take this opportunity to announce an upcoming art show of mine (basement location yet undetermined) which will feature several paintings of breakfast sandwiches. One will be included with this article as a little “teaser”, shall we say.
Until my next article Lankville, keep your mind and mouth open to anything new that might come your way!
Happy Eating,
Bri
BREAKING: Area Girls Getting All Up in Everybody’s Shit
By Brock Belvedere Senior Staff Writer
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
A group of area girls are getting all up in everybody’s shit, sources are now confirming.
The area girls that are getting all up into everybody’s shit.
“We’re not sure what they want,” noted Life Lessons Funeral Home High School social studies teacher Gail Nailsmith, who fell victim to the group. “They formed a real fifth column, marching their way through the school with a singularity of purpose normally unseen in the girls of our area and really just getting right up into everybody’s shit.”
“If you get in their way, they get all up in your shit,” noted a fellow student who requested anonymity.
After briefly getting all up in everybody’s shit at the school, the group left the premises and began traveling around their Eastern Lankville hamlet of DeVries, where they got all up into the shit of a local man attempting to change a flat tire, a local woman chasing a tennis ball down the street and two local elderly men who were waiting for a buffet to open.
“It seems that the group really got all up into the [shit] of the two elderly men,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who arrived at the buffet after the clique had already moved on. “The two men were quite rattled and some of their small personal effects were scattered about the parking lot. It’s something we’ll certainly have to look into once time permits.”
None of the girls had been identified at press time.
“We’ll be putting out some orange cones in strategic areas,” noted Gee-Temple. “Then, we’ll pull some school records. We’ll get to the bottom of this before long.”
Bumpkins Carried Off By Wind; Schropp Unsure of Future with News
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS, YES!
Some bumpkins were carried off by the wind last night in an Eastern Lankville trailer park, sources are confirming.
The bumpkins didn’t have anything nice, says Detective Gee-Temple.
“There were seven rubes inside the…little…camper thing,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who was the first to respond to the scene and held a brief press conference in which no food whatsoever was served. “A supernal wind is believed to have come along and carried them off. We have no further information. The bumpkins didn’t really have anything nice inside the camper.”
The names of the bumpkins have not been released.
Other bumpkins who live in nearby trailers briefly spoke about the incident.
“One of them delivered for Pizza Monkeys. I used to see him in their uniform occasionally,” noted Wilt Spatz, 73, retired. “I think maybe they come from the North.”
Nothing happened after that and the interview was ended prematurely.
SCHROPP UNSURE OF FUTURE
Noted breakfast sandwich expert Brian Schropp says he is unsure of his future as a columnist with The Lankville Daily News. He consented to an interview.
Schropp: Having Second Thoughts
LBK: Why are you having feelings of uncertainty?
BS: Well, Lloyd, I’m just beginning to think that Lankville isn’t as ready [to embrace the breakfast sandwich] as I had previously thought.
LBK: Your articles have been well-received.
BS: They have. But only by a specific strata of the population. Those bumpkins you were writing about earlier– they were probably still having donuts or, God forbid, cereal in the shape of marshmallows for breakfast.
LBK: Don’t you think you need to build up…
BS: Lloyd…I…I can’t work under these conditions…for example, why is my article appearing second after the article about the bumpkins?
LBK: OK…calm down for a minute
BS(storming out): Lankville is NOT READY!
Schropp left the room and the interview was terminated.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Use your new Intermission TV Typewriter to communicate with hot women! Women are lying around, all over Lankville, just waiting for someone to type something on their TV's. It could be you. Available at your neighborhood electronics retailer.
ADVERTISEMENT
Vitiello Decorative Hams "Fall Batch" now available. Home inspection required. Leaves considerably extra. Call East Lankville 3298 or 4151.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
Compliance with subsection: 16.61(2), Lankville statutes.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option on your next job, consider a Chambers Company hand drill. With 3/8" chuck and gun-metal finish, the steel casing of the drill is thick and sturdy for durability and will come in handy for light construction, carpentry and also for DRILLING HOLES IN FENCES TO SEE TITS
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's Barbeque. Waitress needed, someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of questions. Call Hole 9913.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S FRENCH TOAST
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MEAT FRENZY
Call Kelly (male): 5-2614
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK