Archive
I Want to Tell You SO MUCH About How My New Boyfriend and I Formed a Band!
By Ashley Pfeiffers
OH MY GOD, I want to tell you SO MUCH about how my new boyfriend and I formed a band!
I AM SO EXCITED! It was around dusk yesterday and my new boyfriend was putting on his toque (even though it’s 95 degrees out) and getting ready to head down to the edge of the woods. “Do you have a lot of ideas flowing?” I asked.
He sat down on the bed.
“You know, Ash, not really. I mean, the boys are kind of disappointing me and all. We haven’t had any good ideas in, like, an epoch.”
“What do you think the problem is?”
He thought about it awhile. OH MY GOD, he looks SO CUTE when he’s pensive. We are SO in love.
“I think I need to hear some new ideas, Ash, you know, like, from somebody totally different than the guys by the edge of the woods.”
“Well…I have some ideas. I have, like, a keyboard in the basement.” OH MY GOD, I was SO nervous.
He smiled at me. His smile is AMAZING. I started to kind of shake a little and I ended up spilling one of those huge plastic barrels of pretzels all over the bed. I started sweeping it up.
“Leave it, Ash. Mrs. Love will clean it up.” (Mrs. Love is our island maid). “Let’s go down to the basement.”
Anyway, my new boyfriend got out his guitar and I got on the keyboard and RIGHT AWAY we started making really AMAZING music. I almost DIED. Seriously.
“Wow, Ash,” my new boyfriend said. “That last cut was like…I don’t know…like the music our hearts would make when they’re, like, smooshed together.”
“I know!” I said. I almost DIED. Seriously.
Anyway, we played for like two hours until Dad came home from the mortuary and asked us to be quiet.
Later, we were standing out by my new boyfriend’s Mom’s station wagon. And he gave me the most beautiful kiss. I had never wanted his lips more.
“Maybe we should call the band “The Kiss”, Ash,” he suggested.
“AWWW,” I said. “That is so…”
But I never finished. He kissed me again and it COMPLETELY took away my breath.
WE ARE SO IN LOVE.
I Want to Tell You SO MUCH About How My New Boyfriend Tried to Take Me on a Hot Air Balloon Ride
By Ashley Pfeiffers
Oh my God, I just have to tell you about how my new boyfriend tried to take me on a hot air balloon ride!
So, I was just sitting there in sixth period Media and Communications, drawing some unicorns in my notebook margins, listening to Mr. Etchebarren drone on about social media when all of the sudden a big shadow passed over the windows. Everybody looked over.
The shadow went away. Mr. Etchebarren continued.
And then, all of the sudden, the shadow came back! And then a big giant basket slammed against the window! There was some cursing and the basket blew over weirdly into one of the classroom trailers! I WAS SO SCARED!
“It’s a hot air balloon,” somebody said. Everybody got up and Mr. Etchebarren dropped his book and told everybody to get into our desks (for some reason, he thinks we can get into our desks). “People!” he yelled. “This is a terrorist attack!”
Everybody started screaming and then the balloon suddenly took off again and disappeared over the woods. We were all SCARED OUT OF OUR MINDS!
They let us out early.
So, I started walking home with some of my girlfriends. I was just telling them about my new boyfriend and how romantic he is and how he took me to see a pony and then we started down a small hill and into a clearing and there was the hot air balloon again! And YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE WHO WAS INSIDE THE BASKET!!!
It was my new boyfriend. I ALMOST DIED.
“The police are coming,” McKinley said. But I didn’t hear her. My ears were clogged with LOVE.
“Sorry about that, Ash,” my new boyfriend yelled. I ran over and gave him a HUGE HUG.
“My uncle loaned me this– I can’t quite control it yet. I didn’t mean to slam into your classroom.”
“You can slam into my classroom windows with a hot air balloon ANY TIME,” I said. We looked into each other’s eyes and then we kissed passionately.
“Get in,” he said. “Ash, you like, can’t even imagine what happens as the dew covered meadows shrink quietly away and the vast panorama of the earth becomes a breathtaking view of beauty and life.” I WAS SHAKING. I saw that he was reading off a card but it didn’t matter. WE ARE SO IN LOVE!
But then the police came.
Still, it was SO SPECIAL.
I LOVE HIM SO!
I Want to Tell You SO Much About How My New Boyfriend Took Me to See a Pony
By Ashley Pfeiffers
OH MY GOD! I just HAVE to tell you about how my new boyfriend took me to see a pony!
So, we were supposed to have our usual date at the Pizza A-Round. My new boyfriend borrowed his Mom’s station wagon and we headed on out to the Deep Eastern Suburbs. My new boyfriend was telling me all about a new riser pad he had just installed on his skateboard. “That wheel bite was a disaster, Ash,” he said. “But with that new riser pad, my God, my life is so much different now.” I wasn’t sure what he was talking about but he is just SO CUTE. We are so in love.
After awhile, we came to the Round but then my new boyfriend drove right by it.
“Got a surprise for you Ash. We’ll get our pizza later.”
I WAS SO EXCITED. He is just SO ROMANTIC.
We drove a little longer and then we turned off onto a country road lined by split-wood fences. Finally, my new boyfriend edged the car into a little dirt lot crowded with old farm equipment. Some chickens scurried off.
An old man appeared out of nowhere. He was eating some corn straight out of a can. He mumbled something but I couldn’t understand it.
“This is my Uncle,” my new boyfriend said. “This is his spread.”
The old man spit some corn onto some of the chickens. I almost DIED. I felt so SAD for the chickens.
“Oh, they like it, Ash,” my new boyfriend said, noticing my concern. He kissed me suddenly. The old man mumbled something else incoherent.
“Ash, we just need to walk over this hill– I’ve got something to show you.”
I followed my new boyfriend up the hill. It was steep and slick from the recent rain. “I’d climb any number of really big hills for you, Ash,” my new boyfriend said. I pushed his hair out of his face and kissed him again. We stood on top of the hill kissing passionately. WE ARE SO IN LOVE.
My new boyfriend pointed to a little barn off in the distance. “It’s in there, Ash. What I want to show you.” He took me by the hand. The sun suddenly hit us both as we descended the hill. I was SO NERVOUS!
He led me into the barn. And there, in a little wood stall, was a PONY! It had a pink bow tied around its neck.
“OH MY GOD!” I said. “Is this pony for me?”
My new boyfriend was confused. “Oh, you mean, because of the bow? Naw, my Uncle just likes putting pink bows around ponies.”
I looked up at my boyfriend.
“Yeah, I dunno.”
I spent the next hour petting the pony, brushing his mane and giving my new boyfriend all kinds of kisses! It was just the SWEETEST THING EVER!
“Ash, I’m starving, babe. What do you say we go wreck some ‘za?”
“I’ll see you again, pony!” I called. OH MY GOD– I am just so in love with him.
And my new boyfriend.
It was just the greatest day EVER!
I Want to Tell You SO MUCH About How My New Boyfriend Bought Me Some Candy
OH MY GOD– I just HAVE to tell you about how my new boyfriend bought me some candy!
So, last night, my new boyfriend came to the house right at dusk. It was SO CUTE– he didn’t knock on the door but, instead, he threw some little driveway pebbles at my window. It was just like the olden days!
I opened the window and he was like, “Ash, there’s a cave fire nearby. Let’s go watch!”
WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON.
We took a couple of blankets (it’s been getting chilly in the Deep Northern Suburbs lately) and watched the fire from a distant hill. There were like fifteen fire engines there and everything. In a way, it was really beautiful, even though I really, really felt sorry for that poor cave.
By Ashley Pfeiffers
After awhile, my new boyfriend started getting kind of restless. I was like, “what’s wrong?” and he kept saying, “nothing Ash, nothing. Just thinking about some stuff.”
Next thing I know, he pulls out a box of candy!
I JUST ABOUT DIED!
It had a red bow on top and everything. I started crying!
“These chocolates are, like, super exquisite Ash (he had already eaten a few) but none are as sweet as you,” he said.
My heart was beating a mile a minute! WE ARE SO IN LOVE.
“It’s too bad about that cave,” he said suddenly. I watched the faint crease lines appear on his forehead. “My peeps and I had some good idea sessions in there.”
“But anyway, let’s wolf some of these chocs, Ash.”
We ate a bunch of them and watched the firefighters. They were pulling something out with a chain.
“GOT A DEAD ONE HERE,” they said.
I started crying. My new boyfriend consoled me with some more chocolate. Then we kissed, sweet, chocolate kisses under the fading moonlight. He laid my head down on the blanket. That’s when he told me he loved me for the first time.
“GOOD LORD, GOT A BUNCH OF DEAD ONES IN HERE,” another firefighter called out.
He put his finger to my trembling lips. “Don’t think about that, Ash. Think about us. And the chocolates.”
I LOVE HIM SO.
I Want to Tell You SO Much About How My New Boyfriend and I Went to the Beach!
By Ashley Pfeiffers
I want to tell you SO much about how my new boyfriend and I went to the beach! I JUST ABOUT DIED– it was the best time EVER!
So, my new boyfriend borrowed his Mom’s station wagon and we drove down to the Lankville Standard Sand Beach on the Eastern Coast. It was a three-hour drive but my new boyfriend wasn’t really worried about it. “Ash, I’d drive to the end of the world with you.” OH MY GOD, I was so nervous and shaky! We had brought a tub of fries for the trip and I accidentally dropped them out the open passenger window.
My new boyfriend took it OK but he was a little disappointed. “Shoot, I really wanted to crush some of those fries,” he said.
“I’ll make it up to you,” I responded. He stopped the car right away in the gravel lot of a country peach stand and we made out for awhile. I think the peach guy, an old farmer in overalls, was a little confused. Finally, he came over and asked if we were terrorists.
“We’re just SO in love,” I told him. He looked back at the peach cart and then he spit in the gravel. “Alright, I can unnerstand that,” he said. And he gave us some peaches for free! He was SO NICE!
An hour later we arrived at our motel– the Thunderbird Inn. It had a pool and EVERYTHING! We got room number 11. My new boyfriend said, “That’s because we’re two people sharing one heart, Ash.” I was SO HAPPY that I got kind of confused and ended up walking into the wrong room. There were a bunch of guys in there watching some girls wrestle. It smelled terrible- like cigarette smoke! But I was just on CLOUD NINE anyway!
Then, we went out to the beach. I had on a new pink bikini that I got at the mall and my new boyfriend had some really super long swim trunks that went down well below his knee. HE LOOKED SO CUTE! It was dusk and we saw a really beautiful sunset. My new boyfriend put a big giant beach towel that had a sports car on it over us and we made out until the waves crashed over us. Also, a bunch of seashells.
Then, we got some pizza.
It was the greatest night EVER.
I Want to Tell You About How I Got Back Together with My New Boyfriend!
By Ashley Pfeiffers
I want to tell you about how I got back together with my new boyfriend!
I had been SO depressed after he broke up with me. I just kept going back and reading and re-reading all his texts, staring at the things we bought together at the mall, going to Pizza A-Round and just ordering a soda, hoping I’d see him. But weeks passed and nothing.
And then one night my phone buzzed. I had already turned out the lights and was just lying there on my fuzzy cat pillow when it happened. It was late, everyone in the house was asleep– I picked it up.
It said, “ash, can i see you.”
I wrote back right away and we met in the parking lot by the woods.
“The guys just left,” he said, looking down at the cracked asphalt. “We had some good ideas flowing tonight.”
I didn’t know what he was talking about but he looked SO CUTE.
“Ash, I made a big mistake, you know. It’s you and me, Ash. I got you something.”
He produced a plastic bag that he had hidden in some weeds. It was a fuzzy cat pillow from the mall– the same fuzzy cat pillow that I had JUST had my head on! I ALMOST DIED.
“I already have this one but I love it,” I said. “It’s part of a series.”
“Oh, I’ll take it back, I can get another one in the series,” he said. He started to reach for the bag.
“NO!” I said. “This…is really special.” I felt like I was going to faint.
He hugged me and then we kissed passionately.
“That kiss was like when the planets come out, Ash,” he said. I wasn’t sure what he was talking about but it was SO SPECIAL!
WE ARE SO IN LOVE!
I Want to Tell You About How Me and My New Boyfriend Broke Up
Ashley Pfeiffers
Yesterday, my new boyfriend and I were standing under the overpass. He was spray-painting the word “BAD” in big bubble letters on one of the pillars.
I thought he was going to kiss me at first. He came over and put his hands on my shoulders. And then he was like, “Ash, this is it. I can’t do this anymore.”
I AM SO DEPRESSED.
I asked why and he said that I wasn’t really into spray-paint culture and skateboarding. “But, I am, you’ve made me love it,” I said. I was crying. I couldn’t even see through the tears and I had a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. It was like there was a field of beautiful butterflies and then they all suddenly died.
“Ash, I need to focus on my career, you know?” my ex-boyfriend said. “The next guy that gets you, Ash. He’s going to be such a lucky guy.”
He touched my cheek and I looked into his eyes. Then, he gathered up his spray paints and skated off.
It started to rain.
Mom picked me up in front of the Decorative Ham factory. She didn’t say anything for a long time. Then she said, “I can only imagine how hurt you must feel…”
And I said, “NO, MOM, YOU CAN’T!” and I started crying against the window. She didn’t say anything for a long time after that and then she said, “take out your nose ring, honey, we’re going into the crafts store to pick up some glitter for your sister’s school project.”
OH MY GOD, I AM SO SAD.
I told Mom I would wait in the car. She touched my hair for a minute, then she took off towards the Craft Barn. I took out my pink notebook and started writing. That helped a little bit but then it just seemed like I was writing forever, that I didn’t even know what to write anymore and then Mom came back and gave me a pack of googly eyes.
“You used to laugh so much at these,” she said.
“When I was five years old,” I snapped back.
We started home. When we passed the Pizza A’Round, I started crying again. “That was our place,” I said.
“Really!!??” Mom responded. “I always thought that place was…” She stopped herself.
I went straight up to my room when I got home. I just cried and cried and cried into my pink stuffed penguin.
I AM DEVASTATED.
I Want to Tell You About How My New Boyfriend Gave Me His Class Ring
By Ashley Pfeiffers
I want to tell you SO MUCH about how my new boyfriend just gave me his class ring!
We were playing Fire Quasars in his parent’s basement. Every once in awhile, my new boyfriend would pause the game and he would say, “Ash, I’m on fire. For you.” I JUST ABOUT DIED. Plus, we had just had some giant shakes and I got so nervous that I knocked mine over on the carpet and then, when I was trying to clean it up, I kept stepping in it and then I accidentally fell forward with what was left of the shake into my new boyfriend’s guitar. I thought I was going to cry.
“It’s okay, Ash,” my new boyfriend said. “What are a few lost shakes compared to a few lost kisses?”
We made out for awhile. Then my new boyfriend said, “Now, watch me gank these quasars”.
We have SO MUCH in common!
Later, we went in his backyard and sat on the air-conditioning system.
“Feel that warm air, Ash?” my new boyfriend said. “Yes,” I said– I was practically shaking. But he didn’t say anything else.
And then, all of the sudden, he got down on one knee and gave me his class ring! OH MY GOD– I started crying and then I thought I was going to pass out. I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT.
“We can go down to the mall and get a necklace for it,” he said, after I had accepted. I tried it on though and it ended up fitting perfectly! “You have such delicate fingers,” I said. He got a weird look on his face but he kissed me anyway. We are so in love!
Then, we went for a slice at the Pizza-A-Round. We were shown to a table by this weird guy who was soaking wet and, somehow, slightly on fire.
“There’s that goof again, Ash,” my new boyfriend said, once we were seated. “I can’t believe that goof. He probably doesn’t even have a class ring.”
“I have yours,” I reminded him.
We made out across the table. I knocked over a vase and some water spilled onto the floor.
We are soul mates.
The opinions of Ashley Pfeiffers are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News or any of its subsidiaries.
I Want to Tell You About How Me and My New Boyfriend Went and Got Pizza
By Ashley Pfeiffers
I want to tell you SO MUCH about how me and my new boyfriend went and got pizza!
I just about DIED when he asked me. I was watching him skateboard over at the community half-pipe and he suddenly cruised over and said, “Ash– you and me…tonight…pizza.” I couldn’t believe it. Then he said, “Ash, this Ollie I’m about to pop– it’s for you baby.” OH MY GOD, I thought I was going to pass out I was so nervous and shaky! He ended up falling over an orange cone a bunch of times but then he actually did it and he blew me a kiss. We are so in love!
Later, I waited for him by the door. My Dad kept saying, “When are you going to bring this young man in to meet us?” but I was just like, “DAD, STOP!” My heart was racing a mile a minute when I saw him come up the walk. He had even borrowed his grandmom’s station wagon. He’s so cute, I know he likes me!
When we got in the car he said, “Ash, I want to kiss you hard before we wolf pizza.” I giggled and he put on the radio and we kissed really, really passionately. Then, he pushed back his bangs and started the car and we drove out to the Pizza A-Round, which is where all the kids hang out sometimes.
It’s the pizza my new boyfriend bought for me.
A guy who didn’t seem to be a host or even a waiter and who was soaking wet and confused showed us to a table.
“Did you see that goof, Ash?” my new boyfriend said. “What a goof! That’s not gonna’ be me Ash. That’s NOT gonna’ be me.”
“I know,” I said. “You’re working really hard on your skateboarding.”
“You make me better, Ash,” he said. Then some breaksticks came.
We just have so much in common.
The opinions of Ashley Pfeiffers are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News or any of its subsidiaries.
I Want to Tell You About How My New Boyfriend Just Got a Guitar
By Ashley Pfeiffers
I want to tell you SO MUCH about how my new boyfriend just got a guitar!
I couldn’t believe it when he told me. “I bought it to write songs for you, Ash,” he said. I JUST ABOUT DIED. Now, he brings it with him wherever we go. We went to the mall the other day and he just suddenly sat down by the fountain and started playing. “Every song I write is going to have your name in it, Ash,” he said that day. I was so nervous and shaky that part of this giant cookie I bought from the food court kind of folded over on itself and fell into the fountain. We are so in love!
Twin Removed Pines Mall where my boyfriend played his guitar to me.
We were making out the other night and he suddenly stopped and put his finger up. “Wait right here, Ash,” he said. He brought the guitar into the room and started plucking some of the strings. “Sorry, Ash, I just got inspired. Inspired by your kisses.” I couldn’t believe it. We just have so much in common.
“You ever think about just, you know, renting a van?” he said last night. He strummed a chord for effect. “Yeah,” I said even though I had never previously thought of renting a van. “You know, just taking that van and going to Western Lankville?” he said. “Um hmm,” I replied even though I had never previously thought of Western Lankville. “We’re gonna’ do that, Ash,” my new boyfriend said. “Mark my words, we’ll just ride off one day,” he added.
We are so in love.
I Want to Tell You So Much More About My New Boyfriend
By Ashley Pfeiffers
I’ve just got so much more to tell you about my new boyfriend.
Yesterday, we walked down to the poster festival at the big tent. “I gotta’ get new some joint for my wall, Ash,” he said. He thought the stuff he had up there was getting a little childish but I thought it was really, really cute. Like the two kittens on top of a gigantic ball of yarn with the caption that says KEEP HANGING ON BECAUSE WE’RE KITTENS AND WE DON’T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO.
“Nah, it’s kid’s stuff,” he said, again. Then, he ripped it straight off the wall. I put my hands up to my face in horror but then he turned his ballcap backwards and gave me the biggest kiss. “Wish I could put you up there,” he said. I think he meant it as a compliment even though, at first, I thought it was just a tad creepy. He’s so cute though, I know he likes me.
We got some hot chocolates on the way. My new boyfriend told the lady to put some extra whipped cream on mine. I JUST ABOUT DIED. Then, we went into the poster tent. They had everything in there and my new boyfriend and I just spent hours looking, holding hands, talking about EVERYTHING. I got a really beautiful poster that had a lion and a dolphin on it and my new boyfriend got one that had three really nice painted skateboards that he liked and another that advertised some kind of beer.
On the way home, my new boyfriend asked if I wanted to stop in the cemetery. We walked along the rows of graves looking at the different old-time names. “These people, Ash, they, like, lived and died,” he said. I couldn’t believe he said that!
We just have so much in common.
The opinions of Ashley Pfeiffers are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News or any of its subsidiaries.
I Want to Tell You All About My New Boyfriend
By Ashley Pfeiffers
OPINIONS OF YOUTH
Whenever I think of my new boyfriend, I just get the biggest smile. He’s down in a parking lot right now by the woods.
Twin Removed Pines Mall where my new boyfriend and I got our shakes.
Today, we went and got pizza. Just slices, not a whole pizza. He said, “I’m not even that hungry. Because, I’m full of love.” I just giggled and giggled and the guy behind the pizza counter got a little testy. Then, my new boyfriend and I went down under the overpass and I watched him spray paint a big giant kitten on the concrete.
I’m not even that hungry. Because, I’m full of love.
“It’s getting a little chilly in the late afternoons now,” my new boyfriend said. “Might be time to get a new hoodie.” So, my new boyfriend and I went to Twin Removed Pines Mall. He bought a couple of hoodies with all these jagged yellow designs all over them and some flared pants and then we got a shake. “One straw,” he told the shake guy. Then, he kissed me.
We went over to the table. “Why’d you kiss me in front of the shake guy?” I asked my new boyfriend.” “I don’t care if he sees,” he said. “It’s just you and me, Ash.” I just about died.
Then, it got to be about four o’clock and my new boyfriend had to be getting over to the parking lot by the woods. I went back to his room with him and he put on his new hoodie. Gosh, he looked good. “I’ve gotta’ be getting down to see the guys,” he said. “A lot of ideas flowin’ tonight.” I wasn’t sure what my new boyfriend was talking about but it didn’t matter.
We’re so in love.
The opinions of Ashley Pfeiffers are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News or any of its subsidiaries.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Use your new Intermission TV Typewriter to communicate with hot women! Women are lying around, all over Lankville, just waiting for someone to type something on their TV's. It could be you. Available at your neighborhood electronics retailer.
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Vitiello Decorative Hams "Fall Batch" now available. Home inspection required. Leaves considerably extra. Call East Lankville 3298 or 4151.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
Compliance with subsection: 16.61(2), Lankville statutes.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option on your next job, consider a Chambers Company hand drill. With 3/8" chuck and gun-metal finish, the steel casing of the drill is thick and sturdy for durability and will come in handy for light construction, carpentry and also for DRILLING HOLES IN FENCES TO SEE TITS
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's Barbeque. Waitress needed, someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of questions. Call Hole 9913.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S FRENCH TOAST
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MEAT FRENZY
Call Kelly (male): 5-2614
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK