Archive
Royer’s Madcap Experiences: I, River Dick
It was a muddy, debris-choked tributary of a much greater but unseen river. Several greying, dilapidated highway overpasses blotted out the sun. The trees along the banks were dead and gangly. But someone wanted it protected. They decided I was the man.
I, River Dick.
My interview took place in a forlorn trailer, littered with trash. The foreman was decidedly obese– his fat rolls could not be contained by his undersized, cheese-stained sweatshirt. He sat behind an overflowing clothes hamper. I sat on a stool. I suspected he lived here.
“You ever do any river dicking before?”
“Nope.”
“You ever done any carnival work?”
“Once”.
“OK. It’s like that.”
I was hired on the spot and issued a bright yellow pantsuit and a revolver. The first day passed without incident.
On the second day, some droids attempted to fill their pails under the overpass. I confronted them.
“You can’t fill those pails here.”
A long series of computational beeps ensued. One of the droids issued a small, printed-out index card. It read, “CHEESE OFF, HUMAN.”
I didn’t think twice about it. I blew them all away and buried them beneath some rocks.
On the third day, the foreman called me in.
“Did you kill some droids?”
“Yep. You know what– I don’t even feel bad about it.”
“Well, some guys at the lab feel bad about it. And they’re making me feel pretty damn bad about it too.”
“They egged me on. They were asking for it,” I added. “You know it, I know it, they know it.”
“That’s fine,” he said, after a long silence. “We’ll cover it up. Just go back along the banks and make sure the parts are pretty well-hidden.”
I did as I was told. But the parts were gone. The rest of the day passed without incident.
On the fourth day, the foreman called me in again. As I was approaching the trailer, I noticed something odd. There were tracks there, made by rolling droids. They led off towards the woods. There was an overhang there, covered by odd brush that didn’t belong. It was a setup. I was being sacrificed.
I hotwired the foreman’s pickup and headed for Lankville Beach.
I, River Dick.
Royer on the End Times
By Ric Royer
ROYER’S MADCAP EXPERIENCES
News filters to the Home slowly. It was only yesterday at breakfast that Warden Jenness approached the lectern and asked for our attention. He then introduced Captain Greenscreams.
Captain Greenscreams placed both hands solidly down on the lectern. Indeed, the force nearly toppled the venerable wood structure but the Captain did not even blink. He surveyed us patients with a steely calm, turning his head only slightly as though blown by a gentle breeze. Then, he delivered the news of the approaching monstrous races. He took no questions.
Jenness, for some reason, began clapping. The Captain stopped him with an icy stare. Then, we watched him exit into the courtyard. We could see him light a cigarette through the high windows.
“Our thanks to Captain Greenscreams,” said the Warden, his command of the institution now shaken. “He took a moment from what is a busy time to come here and speak to us today.”
No further information was given and we were dismissed to our cells as normal.
I reflected upon the end times. My prevailing thought for many a year was that the world would cease its existence in a fiery shit-storm but I realize now how wrong I was. I realize now that the marching of the monstrous races, left undiscovered by man’s paltry efforts at exploration in the hills, provide a perfectly fitting terminus.
I would finish one final novel, I thought. I had thirty pages to go on Lum Csasa’s Fangs of Cement and then I would put down my reading, shed my clothing and contemplate in the buff how I would enter the afterlife. I would take no further sustenance, I would not permit the entrance to my cell of any religious figure, if offered.
I forgot about all this, of course, within a few hours time and I only remember it now upon waking in the morning. And now, it bores me, frankly.
Royer Renovating Building
By Bill Hubble
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Progress on the Royer Building.
Lankville business magnate Ric Royer has been renovating a building in the Snowy Lake Regions, sources are confirming.
The building, which suffered wind damage last spring and was later bombed in a challenge, was once a warehouse for the Life Lessons Funeral Home.
“It’s very gratifying seeing an historic structure return like some sort of godless revenant and grab a piece of its former grandeur and glory,” noted Royer in a prepared statement. “I’ve been able to watch the progress first-hand from a large chair that I had constructed and set right in the middle of the main room.”
Royer declined to comment on his intentions for the building but said that he likes the idea of starting a fitness center or a magic shop.
“Maybe both,” Royer averred, as his gaze suddenly swung to the ceiling for reasons unclear.
Royer is the founder and owner of Worlds of Royer Toys, an icynene foam installation service and a dinner theatre among other holdings. He currently lives at the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness.
Royer to Purchase Dinner Theatre
By Buck Igloos
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Noted Lankville business magnate Ric Royer will officially add a dinner theatre to his holdings, sources are confirming.
“We can confirm that Mr. Royer is purchasing the Walter W. Pipette Memorial Dinner Theatre,” a spokesman, who refused to be identified, stated. “I don’t have any concrete figures at this time.”
The Walter W. Pipette Memorial Dinner Theatre
Royer, who spends every holiday season in seclusion at the Foontz-Flonnaise Mental Institution, was not interviewed.
“This is Mr. Royer’s peak time with his illuminated porcelain Christmas village layout. We won’t see him until January,” the spokesman noted.
The Walter W. Pipette Memorial Dinner Theatre has provided entertainment and dinner to Southeastern Lankville residents for over 60 years. It was founded by Pipette, a thespian and theatre advocate, who was smothered in 1959. The theatre was later named in his honor.
“All the great Lankville playwrights debuted there,” said longtime actor Manny Outfits, now retired. “And they really did have good dinner. And then eventually they installed TVs, puzzles, games right at the tables. So, the theatre was really secondary. Or not even secondary. It was just background noise. Hell, sometimes they were even late with raising the curtain. But that’s okay because it rubbed off on a few people.”
Outfits was suddenly involved in a challenge and the interview ended prematurely.
No programming changes have been announced.
Lankville Daily News Guide to Picking the Perfect Thanksgiving Day Outfit
By Ric Royer
HOLIDAY NEWS YOU CAN USE
Begin by understanding your Thanksgiving location beforehand. If you have never been there before, it will be important to case the house weeks in advance. Affect the persona of a gas and electric official, a salesman of tents, or one of those guys that solicits donations for pandas in order to have a better look. Pay close attention to doors and windows.
Avoid buying your outfit anywhere but at a large, suburban shopping mall. I generally skip the “poor” area of the mall and go straight for the luxury wing. Be sure to stop at the food court first though and loudly consume a meal rich with proteins. Be sure that at least one item you have ordered is a similar repeatable shape (you’ll see why). Complete your repast with a Cinnamon Buns. Order it “to go” and make sure the server gives you a wide basin (don’t them let tell you differently– THEY DO HAVE THEM). This way, you can rip the Cinnamon Buns apart as you walk along and let the errant pieces drop into the wide basin. Sometimes, it’s best to order two or three.
You may at first be tempted to simply purchase one of the many shirts that says “Thanksgiving” across its front– don’t be fooled. This is merely a ploy by certain retailers to sell more shirts. Ignore it. If you have the means, reach into the display case and knock over the mannequins. “I’M TEACHING YOU A LESSON,” you should say as you do this. You might save this act for last, however. Move onto the luxury retailer of your choice. Pick out a paisley blazer, red pants and some high socks that reach above the knee. Shove them onto the counter and turn your head away as though the last thing in the world you are interested in is buying these wretched rags (this often teaches the stores another lesson worth learning).
You will now want to leave the mall completely and head over to your nearest home improvement store– I recommend Home Dump. They have many locations, are severely understaffed, and easy to steal from. Pick out a bucket, a link of chain suitable to wear around the neck, a bundle of cedar wood shingles and several elongated lighters. You can hide a lot of these items in the bottom of the bucket– just throw your jacket on top! Often, they even forget to charge you for the bucket! Pay only for the shingles and the lighters.
Hopefully, by now, you will have a sense of where you be spending the big day. I want you to have a window selected– know that window. Does it push open in an inward manner (see photo)? Does it need to be thrown upward? Will it have to simply be busted through completely? Whatever the case, have your friend or lover drape a heavy canvas throw tarp directly beneath the window (so, you’ll need to go back to Home Dump and get one of those– I forgot before). Put on the chain and the red pants and keep the blazer handy in case it’s chilly.
And now, when you’re ready to greet your family, your friend’s family or your lover’s family, you come bursting through the window with one of the shingles in your hand (the shingle should be on fire). I often find it useful to have my face painted as well and to be crying but that’s your choice.
You won’t come up short with this method. Everyone will have a wonderful time.
Ric Royer is a prominent Lankville businessman. He currently lives in the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness mental institution.
New Presidential Poll Issued Today
Buck Igloos
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Lankville’s first national Presidential poll was issued this morning.
The Poll, designed in a joint effort by The Lankville Daily News, the Meulens-LaPoint Quotient Studios, and Samways and Fick: Consultants, is the first attempt to measure popular opinion for the 2016 race.
“We’re hoping it will give us a sense of who Lankville is seriously considering,” said Sarah Samways of Samways and Fick: Consultants, who was interviewed while watching a game show. “Right now, I think the public is sort of in the dark about who…”
Samways became distracted as the game show had proceeded to a “fast money” round. The interview was ended prematurely.
The poll will include prominent candidates such as President Pondicherry, Randy Pendleton, Amanda Jennifers, and Ric Royer but also lesser candidates such as David Hadbawnik, Dr. Nickelbee, and Sturdy Teddy.
Polling will end Thursday and results will be announced by The Lankville Daily News on Friday.
Participate in the poll by reading the information below:
Brock Belvedere’s Guide to the 2016 Presidential Race
By Brock Belvedere
How will Lankville vote? What are the issues? What do the candidates look like? What about the “funny candidates” who have no chance to win? As the fight to the 2016 presidential election heats up, here is my exclusive guide to who may be the next president of Lankville:
PRESIDENT PONDICHERRY
Lankville Party of Moderation
Pondicherry
Dr. Albert C. Pondicherry, Jr., son of two former Lankville Presidents, began his political career serving as governor of the Eastern Pines Area from 1999 to 2007, after narrowly missing winning that job in 1994. He is known for his moderate stances on Challenges and trash pickup and believes that the Lankville government should have no role in making weighty decisions.
Status: Declared. Pondicherry launched his campaign via a Presdential Address and a small late night reception at the Casa Montecriso (an elegant reception hall).
Age on Election Day: 54
Education: Eastern Easier University (Western Island Social Studies major)
Family: None
Birthplace: Eastern Pines Area
RANDY PENDLETON
Lankville Heritage Party
Pendleton
Randy Pendleton needs no introduction. He is one of the World’s Most Famous People, the owner of several tall buildings, a wildly-successful food chain and is a regular guest on television and radio programs. His political service is wide-ranging; he has served on the Bureau of Probes since 2012 and is an active member of the Koala Bears and Walnuts Club. He is a self-declared “heavyweight conservative”.
Status: Declared. Pendleton announced his candidacy in a tent.
Age on Election Day: 49
Education: Pendleton eschewed all traditional forms of education and instead “trained myself.”
Family: Five boys: Conor (15), Taylor (13), Bryce (11), Randy, Jr. (8) and Barlow (5). Wife, Peggy (5 out of 10), age 47.
Birthplace: Lankville Bluffs (Northern)
AMANDA JENNIFERS
Morality Party
A late candidate, Jennifers is chairman of the newly-founded “Morality Party”. She claims that she will “build a great wall around filth, intercourse, cussing and challenges” and has a plan to rid Lankville of “pornographic publications” and “pizza” and to “build more malls and highways”.
Jennifers
Status: Declared. Jennifers annouced her candidacy this morning after rocketing to fame following her attack on Lankville Daily News food columnist Brian Schropp.
Age on Election Day: 37
Education: Barlow Foods High School
Family: Four boys, one girl: Connor (12), Randy (9), Mason (6), Riley (3); Alexis (10); Husband Kent Jennifers, age 39.
Birthplace: Deep Northern Suburbs
RIC ROYER
Hell
Lankville business magnate Ric Royer announced his candidacy in July, listing his political affiliation only as “hell”.
Royer
Royer has long been one of Lankville’s most enigmatic characters– the founder of several extremely successful businesses including “Royer Automats”, “Worlds of Royer”, a toy company, and The Dollar Bush, a chain of discount stores. He has also spent long periods of time in the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness mental institution. “This should not be a problem for the voters,” Royer noted, in a short speech given at a hotel that was later destroyed by fire. “The decisions of great men are not made in giant palaces with columns. They can be made anywhere, even in a shed.”
Royer’s political viewpoints are unclear.
Status: Declared. Royer announced his candidacy on five different occasions while in the game room at Foontz-Flonnaise.
Age on Election Day: 38
Education: Greater Lankville Falls University (Theatrical Times major), Advanced Greater Lankville Falls University (Theatre and Animal History major).
Family: None
Birthplace: Lankville Falls
Rounding out the Ballot
David Hadbawnik (Gourd Party), Dr. Nickelbee (Green Sanity Union), Sturdy Teddy (Mountain Party)
Gump Penetrates
Gump Tibbs
It’s time for another penetrating interview with Gump Tibbs. Today, Gump interviews Lankville business magnate and thesbian [sic] Ric Royer.
GT: So, you’re having a little pageant coming up?
RR: Have you ever had anything happen to you? I mean REALLY happen to you? Have you lost a wife? Have you ever wrecked someone in a brawl? Have you ever eaten so much that you go, “boy I’m so full”, and then you fall asleep? Well that’s what I’m all about. Not “little pageants”, as you say. So unless you want to sit here and slit open your heart to let me hear your flaws, your fears, your thoughts about intercourse and your history with jail, and so on, then I suggest you start referring to my upcoming project as “epic theatre”, not “little pageant”. Are we clear?
GT: What a delight! Do you think the world needs more epic theatre pageants? And why?
RR: We need more children in the world. Next question.
GT: Absolutely fantastic! Is the epic theatre pageant scary?
RR: Once I spent all night with a gun to my head. You know who was holding that gun. Let’s just say he’s in the room right now.
Ric Royer
GT: Are you accusing me –
RR: No, it was me. I wanted to scare myself, I wanted to piss myself so hard that I would never forget. Like a scar of piss. To this day I use that fear in my work. Even when I write soft and lighthearted scenes, I bring in the fear like a black hood to put over those scenes, and throw them in the trunk of horror, taking those delightful scenes on a harrowing ride. And then I exhale.
GT: What is theatre?
RR: It’s the big leagues of life. That’s how I like to think of it. If you’re just living, you know, banking or cooking or having intercourse or maybe you’re in jail, then those things are just what I call “Dimension 1 Reality”. It’s just being, and anyone can do that. Even the moribund or extremely wimpy among us can accomplish “being”. But only those who master the dramatic arts, those who can perform “being being”, or Dimensions 2-4, are in the big leagues of life. It’s much harder, hence the name “big leagues”.
GT: What are some of your favorite theatres?
RR: My favorite theatres are the Winston Buchanan (haunted), Downtown Actor’s Fancy, and Sensational Mons Island Arena (swallowed by earth). No more, no less.
GT: What an affair this has been! Is there an area behind the theatre where we can shoot some guns off?
RR: Very funny, Gump. You know what, you smell very strongly of hydrogen-peroxide. And I’ve wanted to end this interview since the first question, but I didn’t because I looked around and noticed there are no doors in this room. The only room I’ve ever been in that didn’t have a door was the outside. So I’m really not sure how I even got here. But I’d really like to leave.
Cheese Falls on Royer
Elliott Cumber-Lanny
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Some nacho cheese fell on Lankville business magnate Ric Royer last night.
Royer’s condition is unknown.
“What we had here was a situation where some cheese fell on [Royer],” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who was the first to arrive on the scene. “The How’s, What’s, Why’s, they are unknown to us at this time.”
Some crickets chirped loudly. It grew darker.
“There could be a time in the near-future when we will be able to update you further,” Gee-Temple added.
A curious beam of light briefly illuminated the detective’s darkened office, then vanished.
Can you give us an idea if the cheese was hot?
Royer with the cheese on his head.
It was an aberrant, high-pitched voice– unknown, unseen. Its preternatural quality was clearly a monstrosity. And yet, it refused to come forth from whatever abominable realm from which it spoke.
“We do not know that. How could we?” Gee-Temple answered. But this was no longer his dominion. He possessed no earthly right to converse within this nightmarish dimension.
Someone stepped forward. He was a reporter, yes– we recognized him and, yet, we did not.
“Eons ago, unimaginable eons ago,” he began, “when only the waters existed. And from this foul, hateful slime there came a race of beings which dwelt in the sunken abysses of the oceans, inhuman creatures bound to the worship of inhuman Gods. When the great continent arose and the islands arose, then these revolting creatures sunk deeper into the lowest depths. They hate man, for they feel that man has usurped their kingdom. Their power will eventually embrace all the continent, all the islands. They will achieve their desire.”
“Who are you?” demanded Gee-Temple.
The reporter laughed. “I work for another paper. I’ll see you guys later.”
After he left, it grew darker. “I’m going to put a tail on that guy,” Gee-Temple said, after a long period had passed.
We set out into that darkness.
We have wandered all night.
Royer’s Madcap Experiences: The Phantom Car Balloon
By Ric Royer
I was driving down one of those busy routes when I saw a car dealership. The cars all had balloons tied to them. “MOTHERFUCKER”, I said aloud. I swerved suddenly across two lanes of traffic, drove up on the median and sped into the lot. They all came out from the air conditioning.
“What are you doing?” one of them said. He had on a short tie and brown pants. The rest sauntered back inside.
“I saw the balloons. Might want to buy one of these cars.”
He calmed down a bit. “What are you in the market for?”
“Anything with a balloon tied to it. Anything at all but maybe something with a lot of leg room. Where a person could get down in the well and hide there.”
He showed me around. The heat was terrible. But the balloons held up. They were strong and noble in the stale, windless air.
“What about this one?” He opened the door to a late model sedan. The steering wheel was brown. I looked over the hood and saw the balloon there.
I decided to play it tough. “Can I keep the balloon on it? I’ll only take it if I can keep the balloon on it. What are you going to say to that?” I paused. “Asshole,” I added.
“Sure, you can keep the balloon on it.” He smiled. I called him an asshole again just for effect.
An hour later, I drove the car off the lot. And as soon as I did, the balloon disappeared– it was a phantom. I turned in my seat and saw that the entire dealership was gone. “How can such things be?” I asked aloud. “I’ll drive for an extended period of time and see if it returns.”
It never did.
Pageant to Give Area Girls a Chance to Shine
By Bernie Keebler
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
An area “dream pageant” is giving some local girls a chance to shine.
The pageant, sponsored by Lankville business magnate Ric Royer, will feature folk dances, patriotic displays, choral works and a fire. Refreshments will be served.
“Rather than sponsor, I would prefer to be called “an encourager”,” Royer corrected. “The intent here is to braid pleasure with the abject, spike it with light buffoonery and to entertain, amaze and delight everyone,” added Royer, who was interviewed in the median strip of a busy thoroughfare. “There will be a piano…”
Royer suddenly became distracted by a baby being wheeled by in a stroller. “We don’t have any babies in the show,” he whispered faintly.
Some of the pageant participants include Lankville Daily News contributor Catrin Lloyd-Bollard, Emma Reaves and Caitlin Beeb.
The lovely ladies of the pageant: (L to R): Emma Reaves, Caitlin Beeb, Catrin Lloyd-Bollard. Encourager Royer at back.
“We’re already busy preparing our routines, buying outfits for the pageant, and trying to control the deep waves of panic and otherworldly terror that generally come with living in Lankville,” noted Lloyd-Bollard, who enjoys snow-skiing, the mall and the color purple.
“We hope that this pageant brings people together and also brings awareness of all the ethnics that live out in the desert,” noted Beeb, who is a member of the Mall Fashion Forecast Team and also enjoys water swimming, floral arranging, and yarn.
Royer says that the preliminary competition will begin this summer with the final crowning in October.
“We’re still raising funds,” the enigmatic executive noted. “I’ve personally sold some of my Illuminated Christmas Village pieces– just the ones that I had 10 or 11 examples of and just the ones that were in slightly lesser condition. Nevertheless, we are well on our way.”
To donate to the pageant, one can access the individual digital network station: http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/miss-chthonic-star-dream-pageant.
“Do it now,” encouraged Royer, who was still standing mindlessly in the median strip. “Do it before you go outside again. There is no reason not to.”
Royer Buys Box of Puppies
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Notable Lankville business magnate Ric Royer has purchased a box of puppies, sources are confirming.
Royer: Puppy Daddy
“Yes, it’s true, I have purchased the puppies,” noted Royer, who was interviewed in his Lankville High Hills home. “The dew of the light bathes all of our souls in perfume and the lambent flame brings us the continuity of consciousness. Now, let’s open the box of puppies.”
Royer tore open the box and seven puppies were seen to suddenly dart under some nearby furniture.
“What a light!” the executive exclaimed. “The rays consume me!”
The puppies are believed to have been purchased from an Outlands farm. Phone calls have not been returned.
“It’s very difficult to be alone in a fourfold dimensional world, possessing the Double Wand of Power (interviewees capitals) as I do,” Royer later stated. “These puppies will help me focus, keep me company and, later, as they grow older, they will be able to scare off or even eat intruders.”
“Now the mystery is done,” Royer added after a long period of eerie silence.
A press conference is expected later today.
Ric Royer from the Depths of His Heart
By Ric Royer
The Lankville Daily News is proud to present a new series by enigmatic Lankville businessman Ric Royer.
The depths of my heart are a pure place to go.
I used to think it was a place of intense confusion, horror, and lewdness and also where the past lived, but I’ve come to find that it’s really a place of deep purity, like beautiful bouncing white soap bubbles caroming gently off a bare wall and onto a lover in a towel. Some people have said that these emotions are intense and for some reason I have experienced some sort of negativity in this world. Maybe it’s the way I am taking it? Maybe it’s the way that I interpret our world? Maybe it’s because there are heart simulacra everywhere and the true heart is no longer recognizable. You know how they have those little candies?
Nevertheless, I am starting to find that this emotional intensity about life is actually simplicity itself. And therefore, I intend to get more and more emotionally intense. It will be as though there is a knob and I shall turn this knob higher everyday and all days through the rest of my life. If you want to lunch with me– say, for example, in a run-down restaurant with a hubcap attached to the desk and no exterior signage, you should expect long periods of emotional intensity. You may not even get to eat. Emotional intensity can sometimes manifest itself on tables and a full surface clearance is not out of the question. But that is purity.
In doing so, I shall link into the purity of these emotions that I have never fully experienced before.
Maybe that is life right there – fully experiencing emotions.
The depths of your heart can be a place where you go to understand the intricacies, mysteries, horrors, and sexual irregularities of this life. Those little candies are a poor substitute. Although, they are very good. I eat several hundred a day.
There are so many things that we do not understand about our world simply because we cannot see them. Sometimes, you must trust they are there. You have to be willing to put your feet forward while throwing out intense emotions everywhere all over everything before walking into a dense fog. Will it be scary? Absolutely. Will it be worth it? Oh absolutely.
Purity. Probity. Fogs.
Time and time again you must travel into the depths of your heart to find yourself. Only then, will you begin to function in a way that is truly connected and present with the world.
If you can do that, there’s no cork in the bottle of what your life can become.
Royer to Purchase “Burger Rex” Franchise
Elliott Cumber-Lanny
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Eccentric Lankville business magnate Ric Royer announced today he will purchase a Burger Rex franchise in Eastern Lankville. Royer has long been a patron and social media enthusiast of the chain and of the Eastern Lankville location in particular.
“It’s my favorite of the many Burger Rex franchises,” noted Royer at an early morning press conference which was held on a log raft in the middle of a lake. “They have paintings of heaven all over the walls and booths shaped like automobiles which create the illusion that you’re driving while you’re eating your food. The booths and the paintings of heaven come with the restaurant.”
Retro automobile booth. Note the man crying in the background.
Royer noted that he will make only a few alterations to his new endeavor.
“I’ll add some more paintings of heaven. Otherwise, the tableau is perfect.”
The executive played the hero at the restaurant in an incident in January when he repelled several youths who were taunting an elderly woman.
“With the exception of some unwarranted sexual situations, [the restaurant] has exhibited model behavior since,” Royer averred. “I look forward to owning the restaurant and maybe, sometimes, living there.”
Royer will assume ownership on April 1.
Royer to Appear Nude
By Dennis Updatables
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Enigmatic Lankville businessman Ric Royer will appear nude in a pictorial magazine appearing on newsstands today.
The magazine– CAUTION: MEN! are believed to have paid Royer $10 billion (Lankville) for the photographs.
“Everyone knows that Rock [sic] is a sex symbol in and around Lankville,” noted magazine editor Clint Knepper, who founded CAUTION: MEN! in 1987. “We have been in negotiations with Ric for quite some time. At first, we offered food and a tall ladder, then we went back and forth for awhile, and finally we landed on the amount [of $10 billion].”
Royer, who was interviewed while attending an ambiguous outdoor pageant, downplayed the pictorial.
One of the Royer nude photographs (money shot removed).
“It’s just me lying in a bed with some shorts on. Then, I take the shorts off. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’d like to enjoy this pageant.”
Royer turned towards the stage and watched carefully as a series of actors shot dangerous fireworks into the crowd.
Some are decrying the photographs.
Ida Rumpus, occasional Lankville Daily News contributor and chairman of the Lankville Probity Board, called the images “pornography.”
“You could argue that the images themselves are not lewd (although they are) but they are made lewder by the captions that the magazine printed. Taken all together, they are most certainly filth.”
The captions in question read, “I have a strong tongue and I can take it to the hoop” and “Christmas Shorts”.
“[Ric] wrote those himself,” noted Knepper. “In fact, he insisted on them.”
Rumpus says she will protest the appearance of the magazine today.
“There’s no place [in Lankville] for this sort of garbage. CAUTION, MEN! needs to learn that pornography leads to pizza stripping and challenges. These are things we’d like to see gone from our landscape.”
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Use your new Intermission TV Typewriter to communicate with hot women! Women are lying around, all over Lankville, just waiting for someone to type something on their TV's. It could be you. Available at your neighborhood electronics retailer.
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Vitiello Decorative Hams "Fall Batch" now available. Home inspection required. Leaves considerably extra. Call East Lankville 3298 or 4151.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
Compliance with subsection: 16.61(2), Lankville statutes.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option on your next job, consider a Chambers Company hand drill. With 3/8" chuck and gun-metal finish, the steel casing of the drill is thick and sturdy for durability and will come in handy for light construction, carpentry and also for DRILLING HOLES IN FENCES TO SEE TITS
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's Barbeque. Waitress needed, someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of questions. Call Hole 9913.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S FRENCH TOAST
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MEAT FRENZY
Call Kelly (male): 5-2614
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK