Posts Tagged ‘Lankville Action News’

Keebaugh Delights Partygoers with Cowbell

March 31, 2017 Leave a comment

By Bernie Keebler


Lankville Daily News investigative reporter Zach Keebaugh surprised partygoers last night by deftly playing a cowbell, sources are confirming.

The event, sponsored by the Danny Madison Company and held in honor of the soon-to-be-released “Madison Head Calculator” took place at the Casa Montecristo (an elegant reception hall).

Keebaugh rocks the cowbell.

“The Madison Head Calculator will allow for hands-free operation of all features on our wildly-popular “Reckoner Exactra 2.0” said wunderkind inventor Madison, who spent most of the evening testing alkalinity levels of various pizza cheeses. “We are particularly pleased with the design of the Head Calculator,” added Madison, “the contours are modern and innovative, which is what you would expect from our products.”

After dinner (mostly pizzas that were not part of Madison’s experiments), several guests began dancing to tunes spun by DJ Humphrey.

“That’s when Zach repaired to the middle of the floor and began playing the cowbell,” said a participant, who refused to be identified. “It was definitely the finest cowbell playing that I’ve seen since Dennis “Cowbell” Linkous tore up the cowbell charts back in the eighties.”

Keebaugh, clad in a fashionable white dress shirt and orange paisley tie, noted that the cowbell is “part of [my] personal ethos.”

“I believe in [the cowbell],” the journalist averred. “It’s totally my shit. Anybody else that comes along [to challenge me] will get pimped. Just the way it is, yo.”

Keebaugh treated onlookers to nearly 30 minutes of cowbell-playing.

“It was pretty much masterful,” said another participant, who was later arrested on a firearms charge. “It pretty much stopped everything going on in the room. Except for Danny Madison. He kept on with those experiments of his.”

Keebaugh said he plans to continue his impromptu playing of the cowbell in the future.

“Oh yeah, the peeps, man, they love it. You gotta’ give the people what they want. You gotta’ put the asses in the seats, yo.”

The Madison Head Calculator will be released in mid-April.

LANKVILLE PEOPLE: Bus Colonel Gus Heinz

March 7, 2016 Leave a comment
Colonel Gus Heinz

Colonel Gus Heinz

I hope you’re not one of them smart asses that thinks a man can’t be a bus colonel. I mean, I really hope– for your sake. Cause I’ll tell you right now, there ain’t no tougher bus colonel in all of Lankville than Gus Heinz.

Go ahead.  Try me.

I been a bus colonel since 1981. I started driving in ’72. Number 9 bus at first. The Warm Peninsula Regions mostly. Then in ’75 they give me Route 17 to the Outlands and back.

You wanna’ see what kind of fucking balls a bus driver’s got? Give him 17 to the Outlands.

I ran that route for 6 years, never missed a day. Back in the canteen, after a long day behind the wheel, we’d have a little poker game.

The other guys, they’d say, “How can you do it, Gus? That route ain’t nothing but fucking pillheads, tarts, and bumpkins. How can you fucking stand it?”

“I got an aim in mind, boys,” I’d say. “I got an aim in mind. Gus Heinz has big fucking things in mind.”

Then, in ’81, I come up for review. Old Colonel Waynecastle was on the board. He didn’t say much until the end. I’ll never forget that moment when his steely eyes fixed on me.

“Boy, you’ve been driving Route 17 for six years?

I stood at attention. You bet your ass you stand for attention when a bus colonel addresses you.


He nodded but he didn’t say no more after that. Then, the next morning, when I picked up my copy of The Bus Transaction Summary (that was the trade paper back then), I saw that the colonel had been killed in a challenge.

I got me a little flag that morning, fixed it to my bus, and flew it at half mast in memory. And that– that was against code. You wasn’t allowed to have no flags on your bus. But I had to show my respect.

Well, after a couple of weeks they called me in again. I thought– shit, they found out about that flag that I mentioned earlier. I was sweating bullets. But instead, they started putting all these medals on my standard issue shirt, gave me a hell of a nice hat.

There was a short ceremony. They made me a bus colonel.

“You understand the responsibility that comes with this, Gus?” they asked.

I sure as shit did.

And I still do today.

If you’re under Colonel Gus Heinz, well, you can expect to be rode pretty tough. Tough but fair. Lot of guys can’t handle it. Lot of guys end up ducking out, can’t stand the heat. But if you stick around, you too, can be a bus colonel.

Just like me.

Thanks to Shane Meyer.

Royer Renovating Building

February 10, 2016 Leave a comment
By Bill Hubble

By Bill Hubble


Progress on the Royer Building.

Progress on the Royer Building.

Lankville business magnate Ric Royer has been renovating a building in the Snowy Lake Regions, sources are confirming.

The building, which suffered wind damage last spring and was later bombed in a challenge, was once a warehouse for the Life Lessons Funeral Home.

“It’s very gratifying seeing an historic structure return like some sort of godless revenant and grab a piece of its former grandeur and glory,” noted Royer in a prepared statement. “I’ve been able to watch the progress first-hand from a large chair that I had constructed and set right in the middle of the main room.”

Royer declined to comment on his intentions for the building but said that he likes the idea of starting a fitness center or a magic shop.

“Maybe both,” Royer averred, as his gaze suddenly swung to the ceiling for reasons unclear.

Royer is the founder and owner of Worlds of Royer Toys, an icynene foam installation service and a dinner theatre among other holdings. He currently lives at the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness.

First Volume of Keebaugh Memoirs to Be Released Tomorrow

January 31, 2016 Leave a comment
By Otis Nixon

By Otis Nixon

The first volume of Lankville Daily News correspondent Zach Keebaugh’s memoirs will be released tomorrow, sources are confirming.

My Tussle, a 1,284-page tome covering “Keebaugh’s early years” has gotten rave reviews.

Keebaugh, author of "My Tussle".

Keebaugh, author of “My Tussle”.

“Keebaugh plays a sort of literary hopscotch with time, space and mood,” said literary critic Bernard Varrone, Jr. “I appreciate the way in which [Keebaugh] is not like other Lankville writers. There is nothing cute and bouncy about him. We’re just seeing too much of that cute and bouncy sort of thing these days. Either that, or terrorist attack novels.”

Keebaugh says that My Tussle will cover the period of his birth up until 6th grade.

“Yo, the book ends when I told this ginger chick Nicole Wilderson that I liked her and she shot me down like an old dog,” the writer noted. “Pivotal moment in my struggle.”

Keebaugh is already working on volume two.

“The plan is to drop a tetraology, yo. Couple of interconnected deuces  storming the ol’ literary canyon if you know what I’m saying.”

My Tussle has already sold several thousand advance copies and will be available at most Lankville bookshops.

Royer to Purchase Dinner Theatre

December 14, 2015 Leave a comment
A Buck Igloos Health Watch

By Buck Igloos


Noted Lankville business magnate Ric Royer will officially add a dinner theatre to his holdings, sources are confirming.

“We can confirm that Mr. Royer is purchasing the Walter W. Pipette Memorial Dinner Theatre,” a spokesman, who refused to be identified, stated. “I don’t have any concrete figures at this time.”

The Walter

The Walter W. Pipette Memorial Dinner Theatre

Royer, who spends every holiday season in seclusion at the Foontz-Flonnaise Mental Institution, was not interviewed.

“This is Mr. Royer’s peak time with his illuminated porcelain Christmas village layout. We won’t see him until January,” the spokesman noted.

The Walter W. Pipette Memorial Dinner Theatre has provided entertainment and dinner to Southeastern Lankville residents for over 60 years. It was founded by Pipette, a thespian and theatre advocate, who was smothered in 1959. The theatre was later named in his honor.

“All the great Lankville playwrights debuted there,” said longtime actor Manny Outfits, now retired. “And they really did have good dinner. And then eventually they installed TVs, puzzles, games right at the tables. So, the theatre was really secondary. Or not even secondary. It was just background noise. Hell, sometimes they were even late with raising the curtain. But that’s okay because it rubbed off on a few people.”

Outfits was suddenly involved in a challenge and the interview ended prematurely.

No programming changes have been announced.

New Dance Craze Hits Town, as Everybody Does the “Lankville Shuffle”

October 27, 2015 Leave a comment
By Ida Rumpus

By Ida Rumpus

It’s hip. It’s here. It’s new. It’s now. When local thrill-seekers like well-known couple Dick and Tammy La Hoyt strap on their dancing shoes and saunter out to trip the light fantastic, there’s a new move that sets their toes tapping and hearts racing more than any other: the “Lankville Shuffle.” From the greasy jukebox in Pizza A-Round to the plush ballroom in Casa Montecristo (elegant reception hall), it’s got Lanvillians up out of their seats and shakin’ what they got.

“We love it,” said Tammy La Hoyt, showing off the move with a startled customer on the floor of her salon, Tammy’s Nails. The svelte salonista deftly dipped her shoulder, swung her hips left, right, left, and guided her and her partner’s feet through the dance’s signature move: a swift shuffle in complex 4/3 time. “Dick can’t get enough of it, and dancing keeps him from getting punched in the face, for the most part, so it’s a win-win-win!” she added.unnamed

All right – but what about Lankville’s burgeoning millennial population? Surely these cutting-edge youngsters, the pride and future of Lankville, aren’t partaking in something as passé as – cutting a rug?

“I do it all the time,” texted millennial extraordinaire (and recently named “MacLankan genius”) Berenice Cradles. “We all do it. We love doing it. I just finished doing it, and I’m about to do it again.” Cradles added that she was going to meet friends Tori Loops, Allison Hunter-Awnings, and Emily Freedmont-Westerbrook for a quick bite of some wild pumpkin seed brie on compost chips at PAO QUOTIDIAN, where she’d asked ex-husband Josh Wilson-Shires to pick them up and take them out to do the “shuffle.”

Reached at his tent in the parking lot of Cradles’ newest development project, Wilson-Shires confirmed the plan.

unnamedNo one is sure where the “Lankville Shuffle” originated. Some believe it emerged from the infrequent meetings of area cat-lovers, who gather in various locales to regale one another with images and stories of their feline friends. A discussion at one of the meetings – which are, unfortunately, shrouded in secrecy – may or may not have concerned funny cat movements, which a member of the unofficial society demonstrated for other attendees, thus birthing the area’s newest dance craze.

Others believe the “shuffle” is old as Lankville itself.

“I’ve been doing that dance for years,” said Ric Royer, the enigmatic business magnate who recently finished a disappointing third in the Lankville presidential race. “Only we didn’t call it the ‘Lankville Shuffle,’ and the key steps were in 6/4 time, not 4/3. Also, we did a little dip at the end, not that crazy swirl they’re ending it with now. What is that?” he added, exasperated. “It’s just a poor imitation of the ‘Pondicherry Slide,’” sneered Royer, rehearsing the moves while humming an enigmatic tune.

No matter where the dance came from, most agree it’s a hit; old or new, young and old, in, out, over, around: everybody do the Lankville Shuffle!

Otis Nixon: 1955-2014

October 22, 2015 Leave a comment


By Otho Ump

By Otho Ump

Infamous Lankville lurker and Daily News columnist Otis Nixon did not die on Wednesday as previously reported but actually died last year, sources are now confirming.

Nixon was allegedly walking through a field wearing a fake beard. Witnesses state that he tripped on the beard and broke his neck. His body was then blown into the forest and destroyed.

Otis Nixon died last year.

Otis Nixon died last year.

“We have discovered that that information is false,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who was the first to arrive at the scene. “Otis actually died last year. He was simply blown into the woods and destroyed. That whole fake beard story was just a creation of the media. But all of this happened last year.”

The Nixon family confirmed the date.

“I was quoted as making comments but those were all from last year,” said Nixon’s wife Teri.

Relatives, friends and former lovers visited the Life Lessons Funeral Home of the Southern Lankville Peninsula, Inc., on Friday, October 16 of last year from 2pm to 4pm and 6pm to 8pm with a few guys showing up for the unrelated 2:00am session. Funeral Services were Saturday, October 17 of last year at 11:00am at the Great Christ Tube Church of the Southern Lankville Peninsula.

Police Station Number Changes Nearly Finished

September 16, 2015 Leave a comment
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk

By Lloyd Byas-Kirk


Several police stations in Lankville are getting new numbers.

The changes are the result of a committee formed by Detective Gee-Temple and the Bureau of Probes who decided that nine stations should be numbered consecutively. Heretofore, because many stations had been eliminated, there was a number 54 station (Snowy Lake Area) and a number 55 station (Northern Hole Area) but no stations numbered 8-53.

“We felt this was very confusing,” noted Gee-Temple, who said the committee met over 20 times to decide on the new numbering system. “So, now the stations will just be numbered 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and so on.”

“We had some other ideas, including ditching the numerical system altogether and naming the stations after famous politicians, mall designers, and [decorative ham magnate] Chris Vitiello but in the end we just went back to consecutive numbers,” Gee-Temple added.

Former Station 115 (Western Cave District), now to become Station 9 or Station 2, according to conflicting reports.

Former Station 115 (Western Cave District), now to become Station 9 or Station 2, according to conflicting reports.

Under the new setup, Station 54 becomes Station 7, Station 55 becomes Station 3, and Station 82 (Pyramid Area) becomes Station 6. Other stations will remain the same.

Contractors have been working on the changes for several months.

“Gotta’ big sign there with a number on it and we gotta’ nail it in above the door,” noted Cloff Joffrey, a local contractor. “Big job, Lloyd. Big job.”

Joffrey became distracted by a lewd pamphlet and the interview ended prematurely.

Gee-Temple noted that several officers are still using the old station numbers which has resulted in some confusion.

“We apologize for the complete lack of police response recently. Understand that this is a process. It will be over as soon as they get those signs up,” the intrepid Detective said.

Lanklove on the Rocks: Sex Scandal as Popular Site Gets Hacked

September 14, 2015 Leave a comment
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk

By Lloyd Byas-Kirk


Dave Schlarsberger, married for 22 years and assistant vice president in the Office of Financial Excellence at Lankville State University for almost as long, was looking for a bit of discreet “companionship.” Katie Lynn Rumpus wanted to find someone with whom she could, in her words, “work out the kinks” in what had become a sedate home life with her longtime husband. The two found each other via the popular online dating interface – and now all of Lankville has found them out.


Dave Schlarsberger: Wanted Snacks, Not Hacks

Late last night a group of “hacktivists” calling itself the Lanklove Liberation Front dropped 22 jigabites of data into a “dark corner” of the News parking garage, containing the names, addresses, and predilections of thousands of local residents. The LLF announced it had breached Lanklove servers several weeks ago, and demanded the popular site immediately begin offering specialty sandwich and decorative ham delivery in addition to its other services. CEO Knute Beiderbecke staunchly resisted this demand, pointing out that the hiring of drivers to deliver said food items would cut perilously into his bottom line. Furthermore, he added, the Lankville food delivery market is more or less saturated, between Five White Guys Food Trucks and the new Schropp’s Slops.

“The irony is that I really was just looking for someone to share a late-night snack with,” said Dave Schlarsberger from his office. Schlarsberger, long bereft at the paucity of snack options in campus vending machines, claimed he logged onto Lanklove hoping to find someone as enthusiastic about Salty Crab Cake Crackers and Goudy Gorilla Chee-zits as he is. In Katie Lynn Rumpus, he thought he’d found a match. “Now my wife is furious,” he said, “and people are giving me strange looks in the hallways.” Schlarsberger is now sleeping on the couch – snackless – and worried he might have to take a lesser position at Eastern Hills Easier University as a result of the scandal.

“Celebrity skinned”

The most shocking revelations to emerge from the data breach involve salacious tidbits about Lankville celebrities such as Dick LaHoyt and – gulp – President Pondicherry. The President, already facing a tough re-election campaign battle and long rumored to frequent the seedy underbelly of the Lankville “swingers’ scene,” acted quickly to counter the emerging details through Spokesperson Sue Ely.

“The President’s account was hacked, plain and simple,” claimed Ely in a brief news conference. “He does not, nor has he ever, preferred a ‘Girl Next Door’ type with a ‘fit, lumpen physique’ who can ‘teach me to say yes while barking like a dog on all fours.’ That is simply absurd, as anyone who knows the President personally can tell you.”

Yet President Pondicherry apparently made three separate payments to, including a sum of $350 for the “Lanklove guarantee” – an assurance that within three months he would be abducted from his home and treated to a “psychosexually fulfilling act” by a surprise partner, or receive a full refund. The Lankville Greater Council called for an investigation to determine if any public funds were used for the payments.

President Pondicherry has a new dog!

President Pondicherry: Stinger for a Swinger?

Dick La Hoyt, author of a popular series of opinion pieces for this paper, quickly admitted to his affair when confronted with the details and begged forgiveness from his readers and his wife, Tammy, who runs Tammy Nails at the Three Pines Double-Tiered Strip Mall in the Deep Lankville Basin Area. “I’m a strong man,” he said in a prepared statement. “I get punched in the mouth a lot, and I pop right back up and get punched in the mouth again. But like many others, I have weaknesses, too. Some punches hit a little deeper, where it really hurts. When it hurts my family…” La Hoyt then began punching himself in the face and was led away from the podium by his wife, Tammy.

“Say it ain’t so”

Perhaps the most controversial item to emerge from the Lanklove data breach involves Ashley Pfeiffers’ New Boyfriend and Lankville Daily News Female Reporter Sarah Samways (also the co-proprietor of S&F Inc., a consulting firm she shares with Dr. Devon Fick). Reached at her island retreat, Samways at first denied the tryst, then broke down and confessed her love for Ashley Pfeiffers’ beau.

The Boyfriend claimed, however, that he only signed up for Lanklove during a drunken “bull session” with his buddies while he and Ms. Pfeiffers were “on a break” last spring, and never followed through on any dates. “I might’ve loggd [sic] on once lol” he texted from Pizza A’Round. Ms. Pfeiffers admitted to feeling “DEVASTATED” and “SO SAD” at the news of her Boyfriend’s indiscretion, but later sent a message to this reporter confirming “WE ARE IN LOVE…” and refused to answer any more questions.

As all of Lankville awaits further revelations from the LLF hack, rumors continue to swirl that CEO Knute Beiderbecke will soon resign. Stay tuned.

Barlow Foods Pharmacy Earns No. 1 National Ranking

August 26, 2015 Leave a comment
By Floyd Miller

By Floyd Miller


Barlow Foods Pharmacy has the highest overall customer-satisfaction rating in the country, according to Meulens-LaPoint’s latest study of pharmacies nationwide.

The ubiquitous grocer scored 887 points on a 1,000-point scale that measured prescription ordering, cost competitiveness, bag stapling, and non-pharmacist associate staff, as well as pharmacist and store experience. The list was created using surveys from nearly 111,115,000 customers during May and June.

“This study measures the very things we have focused, even insisted upon for many years,” said founder and CEO John Barlow.

Barlow Foods beat out brick-and-mortar and mail-order pharmacies across all categories, including chain drugstores, big-box pharmacies and pharmacies that have toys. It was also the only company on the supermarket pharmacy list to earn Meulens-LaPoint’s highest ranking: five out of five gold Special Power Stars, designating it “among the best.”

Barlow Foods CEO John Barlow.

Barlow Foods CEO John Barlow.

“Our pharmacy employees have built relationships with our customers that start with things like caring, devotion and maybe, in some cases, love,” Barlow stated at a news conference held within site of a pharmacy. “But they also understand the value of mutual understanding. The mutual understanding that comes from knowing who the customer is, and who the boss is. Who is in charge. Every Barlow Foods customer should know this– if this mutual understanding is found lacking on the customer side, then the customer does not return. And that is our decision.”

“I’m the one. The one in charge,” Barlow elaborated, after a long silence.

Runners-up in the supermarket category were The Outlands Brothers, with a score of 871; Drug Barrels, with 866; and mall-based chain Monkey Pups, with 861. The average supermarket pharmacy satisfaction score was 851.

Barlow was not planning on a celebration.

“Our goal is to remain open during the good years and through the imminent very, very bad years. How would it look for us to stop now for a sad little cake and a pharmacy hung with sagging crepe streamers?”

A trophy commemorating the achievement will be mailed to Barlow’s offices.

Famed “Pizza Disturbance” Closes After 61 Years

August 19, 2015 Leave a comment
A Buck Igloos Health Watch

Buck Igloos


The “Pizza Disturbance”, a famed Eastern Pines restaurant, has closed after 61 years.

“We were a beacon for pizza enthusiasts,” noted manager Crease Sandborn, who inherited the business from his father. “But now that run is over. It’s time to prepare. To prepare for death.”

Calls to the old phone number went directly to a recording thanking its loyal customers and also admitting to several murders.

The property, which featured a carry-out window, a sit-down bar, and balloons, has been sold to Sensational Mons Entertainments, a developer and amusement park concern.

“I can confirm the purchase of the property that formerly housed The Pizza Disturbance,” said Sensational Mons representative Al Heffler. “But I have absolutely nothing further to add to your story. Eventually, a placard will be put up. But you’ll have to wait.”

The site of

The site of “The Pizza Disturbance” before Brian Schropp set it on fire.

Sandborn, now 82, is planning a move to the Islands.

“The Islands seems like a good place to die,” he stated.

A small gathering of pizza enthusiasts assembled at the location in the Eastern Pines Business District to mourn.

“I loved the Pizza Disturbance,” noted Lankville Daily News cuisine writer Brian Schropp. “Mr. Sandborn said that I was the goofiest-looking person he had ever seen before shoving slices at me on a grease-soaked paper plate. So, there was that old world charm that you don’t really get at the modern places.”

Schropp lit a candle in memory. The building immediately went up in flames.

“Oh…um…guys,” Schropp was heard to say before darting off into the woods.

Officials put out the fire shortly thereafter. The building was burned to the ground.

Calls to Sensational Mons Entertainments were not returned.

Millennials Are Moving Back to Lankville and Living Like Kings

August 18, 2015 Leave a comment
By Brock Belvedere

By Brock Belvedere


Last year, Berenice Cradles and her boyfriend Josh Wilson-Shires paid $26,000 for a three bedroom, 1,600 square-foot Lankville Northern Regional Style house in the Snowy Lake Area. After growing up in the nearby Eastern Hills, attending Lankville State Easier University, then living and making music in the Islands for two years, Cradles and Wilson-Shires came back to Lankville, where they have become active in a movement of young preservationists bent on restoring the nation’s old homes and buildings.

“The new Lankville Dream is not about owning a giant mansion or a fancy Neptune but owning something that matters more because it’s accessible,” said Cradles, as we sat over Apple Cider Toast and salmon at Flour to the People Bakery while Wilson-Shires sat very quietly and obediently nearby. “I think the whole Lankville Dream is really shifting because young people are out there changing Lankville.”

At age 26, Cradles’ life is a sort of marketing campaign for Lankville. This summer, after wrapping up a series of episodes for the Lankville Broadcasting Company in which their refinished home was shown repeatedly at different angles, Cradles and Wilson-Shires were married, becoming Lankville’s First Couple of Historic Preservation. The event had its own hashtag– #lankvilleloveweddingwithcake, mirroring the name of their own recently founded company “Lankalove Developments”, which restores old homes, commercial buildings and pebbly lots.


Berenice Cradles (Press Photo). Husband Josh Wilson-Shires not pictured.

As she wolfed down some more Apple Cider Toast (and added some brie to our repast), I asked Cradles what Lankville’s new slogan should be.

“Lankville: Comeback Nation,” she said, instantly. “Oh my God, I’ve thought about slogans for months and months and months.”

“She has,” added Wilson-Shires in a quiet, feeble manner.

According to census data analyzed by The Lankville Daily News, from 2000 to 2015 the number of college graduates between the ages of 22 and 30 in Lankville jumped 45%, more than in the Islands or the Distant Peninsulas. Part of attracting that younger demographic involves programs like the Lankville Salvage and Love Project, which provides loans for individuals and businesses to improve downtown properties, many of which have been ravaged by neglect or challenges.

“A lot of people look at these old structures and think that they’re just rotted old places full of rats and vermin and bum’s piss,” noted Lankville Re-Use Project CEO Dawn Elliott-Cryoden, aged 27. “But millennials see possibilities and so they tear out everything and put up new walls and solar panels and little gardens and they clean up the bum’s piss and what you’re left with is development. It’s really a new movement.”

Upon my arrival in Lankville, I landed on the basement couch of Nora Jeans-McGriff, a 26-year old who, in 2012, ended up in Lankville after biking up from the Islands. She had just been planning to stay for a few months while doing a work exchange at a wood shop in the Middle Outlands, but her plans changed after she bought a house at a foreclosure auction for $1,000. The house isn’t livable yet (it was partially destroyed by numerous challenges, a Super Tornado, and bum’s piss), but she’s been slowly fixing it up, adding a green roof, gutters made of recycled stiffened cardboard and insulation made of pressed trash and with help from handy friends in town.

Nora Jeans McGriff

Nora Jeans McGriff

In the meantime, she pays $150 a month to rent a room in a communal house in the Middle Outlands and waitstaffperson’s at Emoti-Flan, an artisanal custard cafe.

“I make a lot more money here than I did in the Islands,” noted Jeans-McGriff.  “And I can save a lot here– I didn’t work at all for four months! I just traveled, played music, made graffiti art, raised nine chickens, collected rainwater, fed some bum’s at a community kitchen, counseled children, built reusable water bottles out of found trash, grew tree fruit, started a bicycle laboratory, purchased some vacant lots, and hung out with my boyfriend!”

Starting a business is also less daunting in Lankville. One day, I visited PAO QUOTIDIAN (owner’s capitals), a worker-owned bakery in the Great Northern Mountain Area opened last year by first-time business owners Tori Loops, Allison Hunter-Awnings, Emily Freedmont-Westerbrook and Kim Fields, all in their late 20’s. They raised $40,000 to start the bakery from an online funding platform and now pay $400 monthly on a graduated rental lease for their 1900 square foot space. The artisanal bread market is not saturated in Lankville; business is brisk.

Loops, 28, originally from Hoover Island, got her master’s degree in performance studies and Gender Musings from Eastern Hills Easier University. After graduation, she worked sporadically as a graphic designer, co-operative farmer and a waitstaffperson at a cupcake cafe but decided she wanted to live in Lankville where she could do work that “mattered”.

“I’m glad we’re past the point where the Islands are the only places to go and be successful and make your mark on the world,” said Loops (rated about a 7 out of 10- 8 out of 10 if she ever wore a bra). “There are a lot of places in Lankville to have opportunity that are a little more accessible.”


Smith Bryce-Phillips

Smith Bryce Phillips agrees. He lived in Lankville until he was 22, when he moved to the Islands. Last year, at age 27, he moved into a house in Lankville with his homosexual lover.

“I couldn’t really make a name for myself in the Islands. I didn’t get any attention. So, I came back to Lankville. The energy feels right in Lankville now,” he told me at just desserts cafe (owner’s lack of capitals), where we met for brie, cupcakes, and pumpkins.

Right next door, Smith rents a storefront for $500 a month. He hasn’t disclosed the name or purpose of his store yet (currently, a sheet of brown raw treeless “paper” covering the front door reads #MYSTERIOUSSTORE, but he imagines it will serve as a community bike space, used gay bookshop and pottery learning center. While he fixes up the place, it stores his massive sculptures, several interconnected repurposed tractor wheels that take up nearly 3/4 of the space. He calls the sculpture HUGGINGLANKVILLE.


Psychologist Winifred P. Temple studies Millennials (Press Photo)

“People are really excited about the mysterious storefront,” noted Phillips, as he smeared an artisanal free-range pumpkin with brie. “The idea of a completely unknown storefront is something new, something they haven’t seen before. Every day, at least ten to fifteen people come up and ask what the store is going to be- try to guess, give me suggestions. It’s inspirational. I wouldn’t have got that kind of attention in the Islands.”

“Millennials have that can-do, entrepreneurial spirit, said area psychologist Winifred P. Temple. “It’s relatively easy to be in the Now,” noted Temple, “but how many of us can live in the Next? Millennials can, and do.”

As just one example, she pointed to the historic Lanqueduct that runs along Old Pondicherry Avenue in the Western Lankville Plains. The aging structure, built by the ancient Lankans who first settled in the area, still services many longtime residents with fresh, slightly colored water.

Janice Tippitt-Toes, friend and sometime “physical sharer” of Berenice Cradles, has big plans for the Lanqueduct. “It will be a mixed-use development. I envision an artisan youth hostel, a Men’s Feelings Center, and an urban park that you navigate with a network of webs and pulleys,” she said, beaming with an almost off-putting confidence as she sipped a soy Lankichino near Pondicherry Square.


Cradles dances over some of her backyard plants while topless. “They grow better when you dance with them,” she noted.

Despite the growth of the millennial demographic in Lankville, the nation’s population is still in decline. “The reality is that people do tend to move to the Islands when they start drawing a good salary,” noted Eastern Hills Easier University Lankville Studies Professor E. Talbot Bonds. “We’re still dealing with the reality of the challenge problems, the tenting murder epidemic, super insects, eldritch horrors– the list goes on and on.”

But Cradles still believes that Lankville will prevail.

“We’re right at the dawning of a new age,” she said, after giving her husband the okay to consume an unadorned bagel. “So many groups are starting– I’ve started so many groups. Just while we were talking, Brock, we closed a deal to buy 22 vacant lots in Lankville. We’ll turn them into co-operative farms and composting stations.”

It’s a labor of love, Brock. A labor of love.”

Photo credits: Catrin Lloyd-Bollard and Bethany Dinsick.

OPINION: Students Must Stop Defecating in Public

August 12, 2015 Leave a comment
By Dave Scharlesberger

By Dave Scharlesberger



The road to the executive parking lot is paved in…?

What began as a harmless prank, something to chuckle about on one’s way to the office or hair salon or karate dojo, has now reached crisis proportions. That’s right: I’m talking about students “copping a squat” as it were on our streets, our sidewalks, and inside our malls and parking garages, at any time of day or night. These senseless acts of inappropriate evacuation cannot, and will not, stand.

The depth of the unfolding disaster struck me as I walked from Carmody Hall, where I work as an assistant vice president in the Lankville State Office of Financial Excellence. There, on the sidewalk that leads from the building to the executive parking lot, I was confronted with a veritable mine-field of greenish-brown human waste. Needless to say, I was forced to carefully tip-toe through this unwelcome obstacle course, one hand clutching my briefcase, the other holding my nose shut against the unspeakable stench.

By the time I reached my car, my patent leather Fleursheims were ruined.

Alternate view

Alternate view

My father gave me those shoes.

This unseemly epidemic is all the more incomprehensible given Lankville’s famous and generous array of public restroom facilities. The Mud Pits feature “his and her” bathrooms with hot and cold running water, no matter the season. There are the open-air stalls off Pondicherry Square – who among us hasn’t ducked into one of those in a pinch, while out on the town? Then, of course, Lankville boasts the award-winning Stacy Q. Pryzbylewski Memorial Water Closet on the third floor in the main branch of the Lankville Public Library, with its wide stalls, pleasing mosaic tile-work, and high-pressure flushing action.

But apparently it’s too much trouble for some of our students to walk up a flight of stairs before taking down their pants and defecating.

I know what you’ll tell me – not all students indulge in this nasty habit. That may be true, although I can’t help but cast a suspicious eye on the student workers who scurry around the Office of Financial Excellence, giggling at some obscure joke – perhaps giggling at me. After all, President Pondicherry’s plan to have a consortium of “responsible youths” take over the vending machines throughout Lankville (touted time and again by Presidential Spokesperson Sue Ely) has offered mixed results. And that’s putting it generously.

But I’ll save my thoughts on the sorry state of Lankville’s vending machines for another time. For now, I make the demand, from our offices, from our rooftops, on our streets and in the aisles of our theaters: No more. No more public defecating. Enough is enough.

Sing Us a Song, Piano Man: Bourdealeau to Revive Memories of Nights at Casa Montecristo

August 11, 2015 Leave a comment
By Eric Klox

By Eric Klox

People in the News

A slice of life from one of the Lankville Snowy Lake area’s most renowned and beloved musicians will be celebrated on Sunday, August 16th when the Two Carpet Theatre presents “Memories of Paul Bourdealeau at the Casa Montecristo”.

The event will recreate the era of the tinkly piano sing-along, specifically performances by Bourdealeau at the Casa Montecristo, which decades ago was Lankville’s most elegant reception hall and hot spot.


Paul Bourdealeau

Bourdealeau played six nights a week at the Casa Montecristo beginning in 1968 until he was replaced by Deejay Humphries in 2000. People would gather and sing along with the accomplished keyboardist well into the night.

“Nobody could play the tinkly piano sing-along like Paul,” said long time patron and aged person Glonn Wilkerson. “This is a great event and is going to bring back a lot of memories for us old-timers.”

Wilkerson was suddenly attacked by hornets and the interview was ended prematurely.


The Casa Montecristo (an elegant reception hall)

The August 16th event, which will include over 20 singers and a short performance by Bourdealeau himself, will benefit the Bourdealeau Confrontation Trust, a non-profit organization dedicated to ending the Challenge Problem in Lankville. Refreshments will not be served.

Bourdealeau, now 97, has been practicing for the event for weeks.

“Just trying to remember about the piano,” he noted. “Everyone is having a wonderful time.”

Tickets for the show are $20 for adults and $15 for students and are available by calling the Two Carpet Theatre at Snowy Lake 2-5512 or by visiting the box office. Ask for Kent.

Government Seeks to Close Funeral Home

August 11, 2015 Leave a comment
Bernie Keebler

Bernie Keebler


Request for an injunction to prevent the Three Kings O’Great Centre of the Divine from practicing the profession of funeral directing, was filed in Small Circuit Court yesterday by the Lankville Board of Funeral Directors, Embalmers, and Memorial Flower People.

The suit was signed by the Attorney General.

It was alleged that the defendants, Mr. and Ms. Lakely Beaches, are not licensed to practice funeral directing and, notwithstanding this fact, the firm has been supervising funerals for profit, have “prepared human dead bodies by means other than embalming”, and sold funeral supplies including caskets, plots, and sad musical instruments.

Mr. and Mrs. Beaches claim they have done nothing wrong.


Shenanigans at the Three Kings O’Great Centre of the Divine?

“We have a good, honest, family funeral home,” noted Mr. Beaches, who was interviewed while en route to pick up a sandwich and a body. “The government is sticking their noses in where they don’t belong, as usual.”

The Board, however, noted that the Three Kings O’Great Centre of the Divine lost its license in 1985. A request for restoration and reactivation was denied in 1988, 1994 and again in 2012.

When asked why it took thirty years to affirm the lack of proper licensing, the Board noted, “We’re just buried in paperwork over here, Bernie.”

The case is expected to be heard later this month. The Three Kings O’Great Centre of the Divine has been closed until further notice.

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