Home > Opinions > OPINION: Students Must Stop Defecating in Public

OPINION: Students Must Stop Defecating in Public

By Dave Scharlesberger

By Dave Scharlesberger



The road to the executive parking lot is paved in…?

What began as a harmless prank, something to chuckle about on one’s way to the office or hair salon or karate dojo, has now reached crisis proportions. That’s right: I’m talking about students “copping a squat” as it were on our streets, our sidewalks, and inside our malls and parking garages, at any time of day or night. These senseless acts of inappropriate evacuation cannot, and will not, stand.

The depth of the unfolding disaster struck me as I walked from Carmody Hall, where I work as an assistant vice president in the Lankville State Office of Financial Excellence. There, on the sidewalk that leads from the building to the executive parking lot, I was confronted with a veritable mine-field of greenish-brown human waste. Needless to say, I was forced to carefully tip-toe through this unwelcome obstacle course, one hand clutching my briefcase, the other holding my nose shut against the unspeakable stench.

By the time I reached my car, my patent leather Fleursheims were ruined.

Alternate view

Alternate view

My father gave me those shoes.

This unseemly epidemic is all the more incomprehensible given Lankville’s famous and generous array of public restroom facilities. The Mud Pits feature “his and her” bathrooms with hot and cold running water, no matter the season. There are the open-air stalls off Pondicherry Square – who among us hasn’t ducked into one of those in a pinch, while out on the town? Then, of course, Lankville boasts the award-winning Stacy Q. Pryzbylewski Memorial Water Closet on the third floor in the main branch of the Lankville Public Library, with its wide stalls, pleasing mosaic tile-work, and high-pressure flushing action.

But apparently it’s too much trouble for some of our students to walk up a flight of stairs before taking down their pants and defecating.

I know what you’ll tell me – not all students indulge in this nasty habit. That may be true, although I can’t help but cast a suspicious eye on the student workers who scurry around the Office of Financial Excellence, giggling at some obscure joke – perhaps giggling at me. After all, President Pondicherry’s plan to have a consortium of “responsible youths” take over the vending machines throughout Lankville (touted time and again by Presidential Spokesperson Sue Ely) has offered mixed results. And that’s putting it generously.

But I’ll save my thoughts on the sorry state of Lankville’s vending machines for another time. For now, I make the demand, from our offices, from our rooftops, on our streets and in the aisles of our theaters: No more. No more public defecating. Enough is enough.

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