The Lankville Daily News

By Ida Rumpus

This is the time of year when dedicated runners begin gearing up for the Vitiello Decorative Hams Lankville Marathon, which takes place on April 17 (registration now open). With shoes laced tight and parkas secure against harsh winds blowing down from the Lankville Partial Icy Regions, intrepid citizens begin venturing out on longer and longer training runs, dreaming of their upcoming jaunt through “Pork Glitter Alley” (miles 10-13) or anticipating the grueling crucible of the “Chute of Shame” (miles 18-22).

But some would-be marathoners have reported strange sightings as they wind through “The Woods” or circumambulate The Mud Pits during longer runs: Odd shapes keeping pace with them for a mile or two, sticking close to the shadows, making cooing noises before mysteriously dropping away.

Having sifted the facts and interviewed dozens of local fitness enthusiasts – not to mention studying footage and images hurriedly shot by panicked runners – this reporter has uncovered the alarming truth: The bumpkins are running. In droves.

This bumpkin attempted to give a press conference on the running phenomenon but ended up just waving his arms for 45 minutes.

“Bumpkin behavior is hard to predict, especially as the weather turns,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who has become somewhat of an expert as he continues to work the “bumpkin beat” for the Lankville Police Force. Yet area psychologist Winifred P. Temple (unclear relation to the detective) believes bumpkins are given a bad rap. “They’re people. They’re outside. They need exercise, just like everyone else. Sue them,” she said.

Berenice Cradles, millennial entrepreneur and recent MacLankan Genius awardee, is planning to run her fifth consecutive Lankville Marathon this spring. She was out running last weekend in the Deep Lankville Basin Area, a loop that allows her to do “double duty” and inspect ongoing construction on her upcoming mixed-use complex, tentatively named {[@**]}, when she noticed a band of bumpkins jogging alongside her.

“Normally I like to run with my posse,” said Cradles, “but sometimes you just need to get out and let the ideas flow.” Cradles was blissfully riffing on anagrams for her favorite slogan “Lankville: Comeback Nation,” (“Love me, taint ball knock…”) when she saw them. They were surprisingly spry, averred the young genius, with five or six bumpkins moving swiftly through the undergrowth and gravelly pits spotting the Basin.

“I have to say, the bumpkins were pushing me there for a little while.”

Then as Cradles neared her Prius, parked at the Three Pines Double-Tiered Strip Mall, the bumpkins suddenly disappeared.

Ex-boyfriend Josh Wilson-Shires, who’d waited patiently in the car to drive Cradles home, was disturbed when she told him of the incident.

“Harmless or not, I don’t like it,” he said, echoing the sentiments of many Lankville residents. Yet it remains unclear what, if any, laws the bumpkins might be breaking as they shadow runners on their routes about town – or what, if anything, can be done about it.

By Buck Igloos

Whatever you do, don’t tell Katie Lynn and Ralph Waldo Rumpus there’s nothing exciting happening in Lankville on a Saturday afternoon. (Katie Lynn is a distant relation to Genevieve Rumpus, of “No More Fucking Around” fame and a recently named MacLankan “genius,” but no relation to the Ida Rumpus who reports for this paper.) The couple were recently invited to a specially organized “cat-lover’s luncheon” this Saturday at the swanky “Moon Room” in Casa Montecristo (an elegant reception hall).

The Rumpuses

Deejay Humphrey, back from a tour/recovery period in the Lankville Partial Icy Regions, has been engaged to provide sedate, tasteful musical accompaniment for the luncheon. He enjoys working with the cat-lovers, whom he describes as “a festive group. “They know what they want, they know how to have a good time without going overboard.” Most of all, he added, “they appreciate a solid beat, with some bass and random squealing and reverb. They get me. I like that.”

There will be a buffet of puffy pastries, sweetmeats, and noodles of some type.

The Rumpuses can’t wait. For years, they’ve cultivated an image of people who really, really love cats, caring for two themselves and always offering kindness (and kibble) to kitties around their neighborhood in Lower Lankville Heights. They knew of the infrequent and elaborately planned cat-lovers’ luncheons, but until now had not secured an invite. “I mean, who do you gotta blow, right?” laughed Katie Lynn Rumpus as she ran her hand up and down the back of a purring feline on her front stoop.

Cat (file photo)

Ralph Waldo Rumpus, meanwhile, admitted that his expectations for the luncheon are “pretty much off the charts.” With wild eyes and childlike exuberance, he listed the activities and conversational tidbits he anticipates at the gathering: “Of course we’ll exchange photos of our kitties,” he said. “I’ve been going through scrapbooks, and I’ve got a good selection that takes us through the kitten to adult stages.” There will be anecdotes, Rumpus added; perhaps even tales of the famous “Mittens,” a rarely seen calico cat with distinctive markings known to frequent the Woods.

A more formal element of the luncheon will be provided by Lankville veterinarian Marla Tibbs, who will offer advice (and answer questions) on nutrition and cat hygiene during dessert.

“Really, though, this will be about community,” said Rumpus. “A community of cat-lovers.”

It’s been a long wait, but for this area couple, the cat’s finally out of the bag.

Jackie Sheds, Jr.

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

It began with an innocent beige-and-urine colored tarp, which concealed the “coming attraction” of a refurbishing project that has become the talk of this sedate neighborhood in Lower Lankville Heights. When Francine Tippit-toes (great aunt to Janice Tippitt-Toes, millennial entrepreneur with big plans for the Lanqueduct) hired Mutter and Sons to redo her front porch, she had no idea she was actually bankrolling a summer “hit” that’s been running for three months now, with no end in sight.

“What’s going on under there?”

Mutter and Sons – operated by Karl Mutter with his two sons, J.B. “Jellybean” Mutter and Augustus “Auggie” Mutter – left the tarp up for a solid month before commencing work on the porch. This, they later revealed, was a tactic aimed at building anticipation and tension in neighbors and passers-by.

“What’s going on under there?” mused Mutter Sr., casting himself in the role of a curious onlooker. “You don’t know, but you want to know. It’s all part of our plan.” Indeed, next-door neighbor Glen Rumpus (brother-in-law of Genevieve Rumpus, but no relation to the Ida Rumpus who writes for this paper) made it his business to peek under the tarp on several occasions.

Finally the Mutters unveiled their work-in-progress. They quickly tore down the facade of the porch, using chain saws to dispense with the shrubbery out front that could only obstruct a clear view of their performance. Settling into their “one day on, three days off” routine – which became as familiar to home improvement aficionados as the intermittent Lankville postal delivery schedule – they put the porch through several stages of deconstruction that at first baffled area residents.

All the world’s…

All the world’s…

Auggie Mutter explained that their slow, careful process reflects the stages of man’s development, from a mere negative particle drifting in deepest space, to what the Mutters call “the First Notion” (represented by a seemingly chaotic scattering of dirt, rocks, and equipment), to conception, birth, puberty, aging, and death. Often, everyone is so moved by the process that they repeat it several times on the same project.

Dr. Kevin Thurston, Expert on Men’s Feelings, noted that the gestalt produced by the Mutters’ work resembles that of more primitive, but often effective, therapeutic strategies, such as Scream Technique or Intensive Hugging. He can often be found on the site during work hours, selling personalized folding knives and tickets to an upcoming event at Casa Montecristo.

While the Mutters recently installed a new porch surface and support columns, their “audience” hopes the show doesn’t end anytime soon. Glen Rumpus said he finds the work soothing, especially given that it usually occupies no more than an hour or two of every fourth day when the crew arrives with their truck and tools. Watching from his own front porch, he’s entertained by the sounds of grunting, sanding, sawing, and singing (J.B. is an accomplished interpreter of sea shanties) – not to mention titillated, amused, and informed by the Mutters’ witty repartee.

“the first notion”

“There’s a presidential election coming up in Lankville, in case you hadn’t noticed,” said Rumpus. “When Karl and Auggie get to talking about the differences in policy platforms between some of the candidates, or unraveling the corruption of the Pondicherry regime, well, I have to sit up and listen. Honestly, I don’t know how I’ll make an informed voting decision without them.”

Thankfully, the Mutters confirmed that they plan to extend their run well into fall. “Gosh, there’s a good two months of home-improvement weather left,” said Mutter Sr. “This is a prime location, and we’re excited to take advantage of it as long as we possibly can.”