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President Pondicherry on the State of Lankville

June 14, 2017 Leave a comment

President Pondicherry

My fellow Lankvillians,

I love each of you. It is a deep, complex love but it is love, there can be no question of this.

In the Manido system we have eagles, geese, and the chthonian snakes. Sometimes birds are invoked in my breed of sexual totemism. The woodpecker and the superb warbler become symbols of how my sex and my liquids of life relate to the plant kingdom. I’m also a gay bozo. I don’t mind saying so.

I shall now consume a carafe of viscous coffee and a plate of steamed little pizzas, to symbolize my love for each of you. Because in the sexual totemist
world, the sorcerer (who is me) exhibits a tamed animal as proof of his power. The animal then lends its services to the sorcerer, by becoming a spy and finding out which of the upstarts has the most exuberant member. If a masculine totem becomes injured in this manner, for example if a tent collapses, then the entire sexual group feels insulted and a dispute will ensue.

But this will not happen. Because Lankville is blessed by the diety. There can be no question of this.

We must dismiss the meatless bagatelles and streamless micturations issuing forth from the mouths of our critics. They are many but they will be defeated. We are a great nation and we will prevail.

God bless you and God bless Lankville,

President Pondicherry

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President Pondicherry on the State of Lankville

July 5, 2016 Leave a comment
President Pondicherry

President Pondicherry

Yesterday was the anniversary of the glorious day in which Lankville gained independence from evil Island overlords. We mark this great day with decorative bunting, cakes, and explosives. It is a day that we all look forward to, a day to be with family, friends and lovers, a day to live and be alive in Lankville. I am glad all of you are alive. I want you to tell me about your day from the moment you woke up, bleary-eyed and innocent, the loose fabrics of your pajama bottoms kicked entirely from around your curvy supple waist, your halter top stretched nigh to breaking by the flux of sensual dreams. Write me now. I want to know so much about it.

Our Founders would be pleased to walk these streets again and to find, amid the many, many problems of modern life, a familiar Lankvillian spirit of faith, good works and malls. Sure, they would see the constant challenges, the public executions, the deformed organisms now capable of devouring all flora and fauna and even soil and sand but they would also see a few acts of great kindness and charity. They would see addiction, alcoholism, an 89% morbid obesity epidemic and all the devastation that being fat can bring, but they would also see in the works of the small religious groups and charities the power that can rescue abandoned hopes and repair broken fat lives. In a world very different from theirs, they would see different kinds of hardships, fears, and suffering; yet they would also recognize love and beauty and passion.

Thank you for keeping Lankville safe on our nation’s birthday. Only 355,261 people died– this is down from last year.

God bless you and God Bless Lankville,

President Pondicherry

Pondicherry: Making Lankville Great Again. Forever.

February 12, 2016 Leave a comment
President Pondicherry

President Pondicherry

A STATE OF LANKVILLE ADDRESS

I recently attended a standing poster display at a mall. The posters created a sort of aisle that led directly to the food court. It positively glittered.

The posters discussed how Lankville was once really great but now isn’t great at all. I turned to ask one of my handlers why– why was Lankville no longer great? But they had all run off. I was standing there alone.

And I thought– is this how the average Lankvillian feels? Alone? Unsafe? Too far away from food?

I made a vow right then and there (well, after I got an oversized soft cookie) that I would make Lankville great again. And this time– it would be forever. I stayed up kind of late that night drafting a plan. I call it “The Making Lankville Great Again. Forever. Plan.”

At this time, I cannot reveal very many details of the Making Lankville Great Again. Forever. Plan. See, we are having it spiral-bound. But when it comes back from the Office Dump, I guarantee you will be the first to know, Lankville. You are always in my heart– I carry you with me always.

I will give you one little preview:

Pyramids.

God bless you and God bless Lankville,
President Pondicherry

BREAKING: Pondicherry Wins Election

October 20, 2015 Leave a comment

Decision 2016

By Bernie Keebler

By Bernie Keebler

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

In a surprise move, President Pondicherry has won his re-election bid for 2016. Sturdy Teddy was named Vice-President.

The results of the recent national poll were declared official in lieu of an actual election.

“I’m lusciously delighted with the results,” said Pondicherry, who secures his second term as President. “This is a great, sturdy, robust nation. We will move forward. It may be a slow forward progress. There may be times when we may even be appearing to move backwards. But in the end, there will be gain.”

Poll results (now official)

Poll results (now official)

Only 49 Lankvillians voted in the national poll (now Presidential election). Pondicherry received 32.65% of the vote.

Sturdy Teddy, who recovered from a close-range shooting, secures his first Vice-Presidential nod.

“We chose Sturdy Teddy because of his resourcefulness,” said Pondicherry, at a small election party held in someone’s front yard. “He comes from the hills, a person of the lowest rank, who has forged a path of decency and public service.”

Shortly before alighting the podium to deliver his acceptance speech, Sturdy Teddy was shot in the face. He is expected to recover.

David Hadbawnik of the Gourd Party placed 2nd in the poll (now Presidential election) and Ric Royer of Hell was third.

Bringing up the rear were Dr. Nickelbee of the Green Sanity Party, Amanda Jennifers of the Morality Party and Randy Pendleton of the Lankville Heritage Party.

No candidate has yet to issue a concession speech.

“And I won’t,” said Hadbawnik, from Gourd Party headquarters in the Snowy Lake District. “This is an absolute abomination. This is a rape of the democratic, Lankvillian process. It won’t stand.”

President Pondicherry on the State of Lankville

October 8, 2015 Leave a comment
President Pondicherry

President Pondicherry

There is no greater honor than the Presidency of our luscious country. But it is not just an honor; it is indeed a privilege. We are at the dawning of an age of possibility. The great grains of the farms by the malls shall be harvested.

This shall occur– it is our destiny.

It is also my deepest honor to be crushing ass in our first National Presidential Poll. Although I know very little about polls, I certainly enjoyed hearing about it.

Tonight, we will be crowning some of our great heroes (the men and the one woman that work for the fire department) at a small ceremony at the Casa Montecristo (an elegant reception hall). Each fire person will receive a trophy, a box of new slacks, and a big medal that says, “CHAMPION”. It can be worn about the neck proudly, although the medal part is really, really huge. Like, the size of a pizza serving plate. I’m not sure why it came like that.

God Bless You and God Bless Lankville,
President Pondicherry

President Pondicherry on the State of Lankville

September 29, 2015 Leave a comment
President Pondicherry has a new dog!

President Pondicherry

A LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS PRESIDENTIAL ADDRESS

Yesterday, I had occasion to visit a candy factory in the Southern Lankville Marshland Area. The factory was operated by strong, sturdy, lusty men of Lankville– the great men who forged a new path in factories and candy– who turned marshlands into slightly less wet marshlands through their own vitality, commitment to excellence and their grim bonds to the great soil.

There is a woman and a mountain person running for President for 2016. What a wonderful symbol of diversity this is! A sign of the lessening of the chains of inequality. Lankville, you should be proud.

Of course, neither will win. Women and mountain people are incompetent.

During this election season, I find it useful to take short trips to distant, abandoned places. I stand in cracked, weedy parking lots. Some of the parking lots have ancient, desiccated “FOR LEASE” signs in one far corner, nearly covered in brush. Of course, they are no longer for lease. They are forgotten by most.

But, I will not forget. Where others see a disgusting dog shit-covered macadam, I see opportunity. I see malls. I see highway ramps. I see more candy factories. I see more wonderfully big, muscle-strewn men. I see Lankville.

The national poll is out. If you haven’t already done so, please participate. The people of Lankville should remain informed, always and forever. By participating, you will also be entered into a contest to win a free sandwich. (Editor’s note: no such contest exists). We are a great, great people.

Vote for me.

God Bless You and God Bless Lankville,

President Pondicherry

Pondicherry Sticker

President Pondicherry on the State of Lankville

September 15, 2015 Leave a comment
My most important customer ever?

President Pondicherry

I shall speak to you today about challenge and opportunity–and about the commitments that all of us have made together that will, if we carry them out, give Lankville our best chance to achieve the kind of luscious society that we all want. Every President lives, not only with what is, but with what has been and what could be and what could be on other planets.

Most of the great events in his Presidency are part of a larger sequence extending back through several years and extending back through several other administrations. There is no enclosure. We are all in fields of waving people, all of us waving backwards to Lankville.

Challenges, riots, poverty, no trash pickup, lack of mall parking, an increased number of entrances to hell, giant pests, basically only one law enforcement officer, no contingency plans, all have this much in common: They and their causes–the causes that gave rise to them–all of these have existed with us for many years. Several Presidents have already sought to try to deal with them. One or more Presidents will try to resolve them or try to contain them in the years that are ahead of us. I might be your President. I might not. But soon we will know.

If the Nation’s problems are continuing, so are this great Nation’s assets:
–our malls.
–our wooded camping areas
–candy
–the good commonsense and sound judgment of the Lankvillian people.

We must not ignore our problems. But neither should we ignore our strengths. Those strengths are available to sustain a President (whoever he or she may be) to support his progressive efforts both at home and overseas.

Vote for me. Tell me about how you will vote for me. Tell me what you will do when you pull that curtain and are left alone and unsupervised in that voting booth. I want to know so bad. Email me. Send me a letter. They have cards at the mall.

I wish it were possible to say that everything that this administration has achieved had already completed a cycle of luscious progress. But believe that at least it will be said that we tried. I tried hard, especially after lunch.

Vote for me.

God Bless You and God Bless Lankville,

President Pondicherry

Pondicherry on the Public Nudity Epidemic in Lankville

July 29, 2015 Leave a comment
President Pondicherry has a new dog!

President Pondicherry

Three weeks ago, a nude man attempted to buy some stationary. Only a few miles away, a nude woman ate some ice cream on a public gazebo. It was a hot day. The ice cream melted considerably before she could finish. I don’t think I need to say anymore.

Yesterday, over 100 people were arrested for public nudity. Let me sum it up. Lankville needs a new direction.

A change of course that will put clothes back on the people, achieve independence from nudity and advance the cause of world understanding.

We have the ability. I want you to tell me about your abilities. Write about your abilities on scented paper and using fuchsia-colored inks. Send me your letters. I want them. I need them.

One of the new signs.

One of the new signs.

With your help, Lankville, we are distributing signs. You may have noticed the crude yellow wood boxes on your street corners. You may have wondered, “what is inside yonder boxes?” I am here to tell you. The signs. The signs are in the boxes. Put them up. Put them up everywhere. In every yard, in every alley, to the entrance of every beach. Join me in ushering in a new period of prosperity, add your star to the beacon-light of liberty for the whole world. The signs are brown.

God bless you and God Bless Lankville.

President Pondicherry

President Pondicherry on the State of Lankville

July 3, 2015 Leave a comment
President Pondicherry has a new dog!

President Pondicherry

Each day in Lankville is a celebration of the past; a joyous reaffirmation of what it means to be Lankvillians; a confirmation before the world of the vitality and durability of liberty.

It is because of liberty that we will be holding presidential elections in 2016. There will be many candidates. Some may seem better than me– they may have better posters. But I trust that you will vote with your heart, Lankville, as you have always done. The people will speak.

I want you to speak to me. Tell me about the elections. Tell me about liberty. I want to hear from you late at night when all the birds have flown into barns and only the sound of the lonely hoot owl remains. You can be drunk. This is liberty.

Our plans for the future are rigorous and innovative. The Northern Hole Area, long a center of vice and iniquity, will soon be completely leveled and replaced with malls and computer rooms. We have plans to construct an enormous super-highway straight through the area. There will be many ramps and overpasses. The guard rails will be topped with gold. It will be the envy of the world. We look forward to the day when no one with a car will be left behind.

Each day, I take a moment to sit in a patio chair outside the palace and reflect upon the lot of all Lankvillians. I believe in you and your happiness. It is my only non-sexual desire to make your life better. I often fall asleep for hours.

We will prevail.

God Bless You and God Bless Lankville,

President Pondicherry

Jeepers Creepers, When Did He Get Mr. Peepers?: Pondicherry Has New Dog

May 20, 2015 Leave a comment
By Buck Igloos

By Buck Igloos

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

There’s a new tenant at the Presidential Palace these days. President Pondicherry announced today that he has acquired a new dog.

President Pondicherry has a new dog!

President Pondicherry has a new dog!

“His name is Mr. Peepers,” the chief executive noted. “He’s yellow.”

Pondicherry has already distributed numerous photos of the “First Dog” and has asked Lankvillians to send him their thoughts on Mr. Peepers.

“Tell me what you think about him. Send him beautiful roses. Be poetic. If I like your response, who knows? Perhaps I’ll appear in your stairwell,” noted Pondicherry, in an online post.

Mr. Peepers is Pondicherry’s third dog since becoming President.

“The other two were also called Mr. Peepers. It’s a favorite name of mine,” he stated. “I am really blessed to lead our country during a period of great consequence.”

Pondicherry refused to answer further questions and ended the press conference early.

Lankville Sit-Ins Target Pondicherry

May 12, 2015 Leave a comment
Brock Belvedere

Brock Belvedere

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

Lankville President Pondicherry is the target of a new political ploy: statehouse sit-ins.

Four groups, disappointed at Pondicherry’s alleged lack of action on recent issues, have held sit-ins this week in his modern reception room.

First, it was the Anti-Challenge League, protesting the rise of challenges in Lankville. Next, it was the United Vitiello Decorative Ham Managers, upset with recent debates over raising the minimum wage. Yesterday, it was the Parents of Bumpkins Union, asking for higher staffing in local schools. And today, Lankville Daily News contributor Dr. David Hadbawnik staged a sit-in for gourd awareness.

President Pondicherry

President Pondicherry is getting mixed reviews.

No group has come away with any major concessions but the parade of protesters continue.

Wanda Barn, one of the President’s receptionists (rated only a 2 of 10 by our staff but who I personally think is banging it out like some sort of smoking angel bomb dropped on the village that is my freak) has a casual attitude about the protesters now.

“It doesn’t even bother me anymore,” she said, sitting at her big desk in the corner of the reception room and filling out that pair of pleated cargo capris like a god damn champ. “Everybody gets their turn.”

Pondicherry usually meets with the groups after they have waited for most of the day. He says he doesn’t encourage sit-ins.

“It’s a phenomenon of our times. The institutions which shape our lives are not as trusted as they were in the past,” the President noted. “I have absolutely no philosophical or political thoughts on why this is– I have not spent very much time thinking about philosophy or politics.”

Once Pondicherry emerges and talks with the protesters, he gets mixed reviews.

“We thought he was a myth,” noted Pam Tucks of the Anti-Challenge League. “But we found out he wasn’t.”

“He gave me no satisfaction whatsoever,” said Hadbawnik. “He wouldn’t even look at my gourds.”

Ms. Barn says that the protesters often leave quite a mess.

“Pamphlets, decorative hams, gourds, some of the bumpkin children have pulled down the floor-to-ceiling drapes– we have the cleaners come in after each sit-in,” Barn noted.

“Where do I get that job?” I joked. “Chance to gape at such pulchritude while cleaning– doesn’t even sound like a job to me,” I added. “Sounds like heaven. Too much space between your lips and mine.”  I gyrated lewdly.

Ms. Barn became embarrassed and the interview was ended prematurely.

Further sit-ins are expected tomorrow.

President Pondicherry on Why We Won’t Be Picking Your Garbage Up Anymore

March 23, 2015 Leave a comment
President Pondicherry

President Pondicherry

We have a place, all of us, in a long story—a story we continue, but whose conclusion we will not see. It is the story of a new Lankville that became a friend and liberator of ancient kingdoms and a servant of freedom. It is the story of a Lankville that once possessed slaves but now only occasionally possesses slaves. It is the story of a Lankville that protects but does not possess, that deflects but does not conquer and has beautiful, beautiful malls– the envy of all the world.

It is a Lankvillian story— I want you to join me in celebrating it. Our faith in freedom is a rock in a raging sea and a seed upon the wind. I want you to tell me about that seed– how it blows to you. Write me about the seed. Can you feel it when you walk in the woods? Can you taste it? I’m told that you should be able to. Write me about it– write me about it now. You know that I can’t wait to get your letters– I want them so bad.

Every day, we affirm a new commitment to live out our nation’s promise through civility, courage, shopping, and character. Lankville, at its best, matches our commitment to ethics with a concern for civility. Our concern for civility is like a great bird that goes around to different tall trees. It is majestic, glorious and strong. There will be a banner showing the bird. You can come and see it. I want you to.

Unfortunately, however, as of this coming Tuesday, there will no longer be any trash pickup in Lankville.

God Bless You and God Bless Lankville,
President Pondicherry

President Pondicherry on the Lankville Amusement Park Disaster

February 12, 2015 Leave a comment
President Pondicherry

President Pondicherry

Lankville, I am writing to you from the place where the earth swallowed up so many of our loved ones (and the amusement park). I hate it. I hate it when the earth does this. But these days of sorrow and outrage have also been marked by great acts of courage (some funnel cake fryers were saved). They have been marked by religious congregations coming together with plastic check-patterned tablecloths (you know, the ones that are easy to wipe down) and portable food containers, welcoming strangers as brothers. In a nearby community, when two men tried to break into a home during the confusion, neighbors shot them with guns. When I met Joey Bell of the Southeastern Lankville Mesa Fire Department, he and his colleagues were utilizing the “Jaws of Life” in a vain attempt to open the earth. “My car is in there,” Joey told me. “But I still have my spirit”.

Across our coasts, we are seeing a powerful Lankvillian determination to rebuild this amusement park.

The work of the rescue is largely finished (there wasn’t any). That’s because the earth has remained closed like some sort of hideous anus. But one day we will gather the enveloped. We will gather them, treat them with respect and prepare them for glorious rest in an afterlife full of fun in an amusement park in heaven. I know we will fulfill this promise.

The Department of Earth Chasms is now registering survivors of the incident. We are working to reunite them with their cars and some of the little toys they won. Call me. I know you know the number. Call me, tell me what you need. I will give it to you. Call me now.

The trial of Sensational Mons Island reminds us again that we are stronger than we know. They remind us of a hope beyond all pain and death– God who welcomes the lost to a house with no walls, made not by hands. Yes.

God Bless you and God Bless Lankville,
President Pondicherry

President Pondicherry on the State of Lankville

January 29, 2015 Leave a comment
President Pondicherry

President Pondicherry

We must always be guided by the philosophy that made Lankville great.

As Lankvillians, we believe in our vigorous thrusting power. We can thrust forward and, by thrusting, create a powerful future full of meaning. We must believe in the ability of free peoples to make wise decisions, empower themselves and babies, and thrust always forward.

In the long run, Lankvillians can be confident of economic growth. But, in the short run, we can see that there is absolutely no growth at all. This is a conundrum.

We have taken steps to address this. There will be education– we will put an end to all those schools that disappeared and were replaced by malls. A task force is looking into that. And we will draw a blank on no babies. That is my new program- Draw a Blank on No Babies. Education begins with babies. We will educate them until they are adults and then, hopefully, they will find jobs in our new, giant, accelerated economy.

But I encourage: keep thrusting. I want you to tell me about your thrusts. Tell me how much you like to thrust. I want to hear about it. So much– more than you ever know.

God Bless You and God Bless Lankville,
President Pondicherry

Triangle Garden Opened, Closed

January 11, 2015 Leave a comment
By Kimball J. Cranney

By Kimball J. Cranney

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

A sculpture garden consisting of nothing but triangles has been opened near Pondicherry Square in downtown Lankville City.

President Pondicherry gave a short speech and cut the opening ribbon.

“People can go to the garden during their lunch breaks, relax and enjoy the triangles,” noted the President. “There are a lot of triangles. Some [of the triangles] are small, some are large. Some [of the triangles] are up really high in the air, others are down at ground level. It’s a delightful place.”

For some time after the official opening, no one entered the garden.

Some of the triangles from the triangle garden.

Some of the triangles from the triangle garden.

“We’re still waiting for the first person to go in,” noted the President, who crouched behind some nearby trees to remain out of sight. “We’re wondering if the problem is a lack of triangles or a surfeit of triangles. Hopefully, it will become clear.”

After several hours, Dr. Miller Lupin of Western Lankville slowly entered the garden. As he milled about, several further triangles were suddenly added, blocking the only available exit. Dr. Lupin later died.

The triangle garden was closed to pedestrian traffic shortly thereafter.

“Clearly, the triangle garden is a disaster,” noted designer Bobby Robby-Grillet, who was inconsolable and weepy. “I wish they would just pave it over again.”

President Pondicherry is expected to call an emergency meeting later today to decide the fate of the garden.

“We thought it was a delightful triangle place but clearly it may very well be a place of triangle menace,” noted the President. “We will come to some conclusions after lunch.”