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President Pondicherry on the State of Lankville

January 8, 2015 Leave a comment
President Pondicherry

President Pondicherry

My fellow Lankvillians,

There is an old medieval saying. “Oftentimes, a kingdom may possess a good in excess and a harm in excess, thus problems.” There is wisdom in this.

We have two things in excess in Lankville– beautiful malls and extraordinary violence.  Our malls are glittering bounteous visions.  I love them and I know you do too. I want you to tell me how much you love them– write to me.  Write poems, not ordinary letters. Write them on lavender paper. Kiss the paper so I can see your rouged lips.

But what of our violence?  It must end.  Join me in helping to end it.  If you were thinking about going out today and beheading somebody, I implore you– just don’t.  It’s simple.  Buy some tennis shoes instead.  Or write me that letter that we talked about earlier.

During summer, I find it useful to wander shirtless into a waving field of grains. There, using primitive tools, I dig a hole. With each year, due to the increasing capaciousness of my rump, the hole must be made larger. And yet, with each year, my strength grows weaker. It is a conundrum.

I am looking forward to an end to our violence and better malls. It is our hope that our people will come together in the spirit of life to forge a solution. Solutions happen only after careful contemplation in holes which is why I mentioned the earlier story about sitting in a hole.

God bless you and God bless Lankville,

President Pondicherry

President Pondicherry on the Tent Murder Menace

January 2, 2015 Leave a comment
President Pondicherry

President Pondicherry

My fellow Lankvillians,

Lankville is a country brimming with wonderful malls. But we also have verdant dells, wooded areas and little copses where some hippies enjoy camping. Such people, however, will not be able to continue fostering their love of the great outdoors if they are going to be murdered in tents. This menace must stop now.

In the past year, over ten thousand people have been murdered in tents or in challenges taking place inside tents. This is unacceptable. Tent murderers can shake the foundations of our biggest recreational tents but they cannot shake the foundations of Lankville. Our great land was founded by people in tents maybe. They created a shining beacon for love, malls and opportunity. No one will extinguish that light.

I have implemented our great nation’s emergency response plans (we have a couple). The search is already underway for these “agents of abomination” ™. We will find them. Know that they could be anywhere. Know that they will pay.

Meanwhile, please continue camping in our beautiful little wooded areas. I believe in my heart that you will be safe. I will pray for you.

God bless you and God bless Lankville,

President Pondicherry

President Pondicherry on the Vicious Behind Slap that Has Rocked Lankville to its Core

December 11, 2014 Leave a comment
President Pondicherry

President Pondicherry

My fellow Lankvillians,

We are shaken to our core. Our very freedom came under attack yesterday by a vicious behind slap in a deep suburban kitchen. Ultimately, however, the behind slapper will have failed. Lankville is strong. We are a great people and we will defend our nation.

Once, I kicked over a round hassock that I was thoroughly enjoying. The hassock rolled far away, beyond my handlers and into another distant arena, unseen and previously unknown. I let out a little choked cry of deep sorrow. But the hassock could not be retrieved despite my requests.

This is my parable.

God Bless You and God Bless Lankville,

President Pondicherry

President Pondicherry on the State of Lankville

December 9, 2014 Leave a comment
kucharek_4

President Pondicherry

I find it useful to go to the back of the fence in my yard. There is a little hill there (on the other side of the fence) that measures perhaps two feet in length but about 100 feet in wideth [sic]. This area can be very difficult to mow. Many have said things like, “Albert, stop being cheap. Buy a weedwacker and you can take care of that little hill in no time.” Others have said things entirely inappropriate to print here.

And yet, a certain tendency of inertia has crept into my bones. I have done nothing about the little hill. It grows and grows and is now a terrible cluster of weeds and trash and also, I believe, someone has been vomiting there. My neighbors have taken to calling Lankville officials (these calls, of course, come directly to my office). I have been forced to give myself enormous fines. Still, I have done nothing.

I continue to go out to the fence each day though. As the days pass, I begin to feel a slow mania creeping in. Two days ago, I went without pants altogether. Yesterday, I ordered a pizza but did not eat it. Today, I plan on allowing squirrels to enter my walls. I will call someone to remove them, of course.

I need to prove that I am still in control.

God Bless You and God Bless Lankville,

President Pondicherry

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