The Lankville Daily News

President Pondicherry

My fellow Lankvillians,

I love each of you. It is a deep, complex love but it is love, there can be no question of this.

In the Manido system we have eagles, geese, and the chthonian snakes. Sometimes birds are invoked in my breed of sexual totemism. The woodpecker and the superb warbler become symbols of how my sex and my liquids of life relate to the plant kingdom. I’m also a gay bozo. I don’t mind saying so.

I shall now consume a carafe of viscous coffee and a plate of steamed little pizzas, to symbolize my love for each of you. Because in the sexual totemist
world, the sorcerer (who is me) exhibits a tamed animal as proof of his power. The animal then lends its services to the sorcerer, by becoming a spy and finding out which of the upstarts has the most exuberant member. If a masculine totem becomes injured in this manner, for example if a tent collapses, then the entire sexual group feels insulted and a dispute will ensue.

But this will not happen. Because Lankville is blessed by the diety. There can be no question of this.

We must dismiss the meatless bagatelles and streamless micturations issuing forth from the mouths of our critics. They are many but they will be defeated. We are a great nation and we will prevail.

God bless you and God bless Lankville,

President Pondicherry

President Pondicherry

Yesterday was the anniversary of the glorious day in which Lankville gained independence from evil Island overlords. We mark this great day with decorative bunting, cakes, and explosives. It is a day that we all look forward to, a day to be with family, friends and lovers, a day to live and be alive in Lankville. I am glad all of you are alive. I want you to tell me about your day from the moment you woke up, bleary-eyed and innocent, the loose fabrics of your pajama bottoms kicked entirely from around your curvy supple waist, your halter top stretched nigh to breaking by the flux of sensual dreams. Write me now. I want to know so much about it.

Our Founders would be pleased to walk these streets again and to find, amid the many, many problems of modern life, a familiar Lankvillian spirit of faith, good works and malls. Sure, they would see the constant challenges, the public executions, the deformed organisms now capable of devouring all flora and fauna and even soil and sand but they would also see a few acts of great kindness and charity. They would see addiction, alcoholism, an 89% morbid obesity epidemic and all the devastation that being fat can bring, but they would also see in the works of the small religious groups and charities the power that can rescue abandoned hopes and repair broken fat lives. In a world very different from theirs, they would see different kinds of hardships, fears, and suffering; yet they would also recognize love and beauty and passion.

Thank you for keeping Lankville safe on our nation’s birthday. Only 355,261 people died– this is down from last year.

God bless you and God Bless Lankville,

President Pondicherry

President Pondicherry

Three weeks ago, a nude man attempted to buy some stationary. Only a few miles away, a nude woman ate some ice cream on a public gazebo. It was a hot day. The ice cream melted considerably before she could finish. I don’t think I need to say anymore.

Yesterday, over 100 people were arrested for public nudity. Let me sum it up. Lankville needs a new direction.

A change of course that will put clothes back on the people, achieve independence from nudity and advance the cause of world understanding.

We have the ability. I want you to tell me about your abilities. Write about your abilities on scented paper and using fuchsia-colored inks. Send me your letters. I want them. I need them.

One of the new signs.

With your help, Lankville, we are distributing signs. You may have noticed the crude yellow wood boxes on your street corners. You may have wondered, “what is inside yonder boxes?” I am here to tell you. The signs. The signs are in the boxes. Put them up. Put them up everywhere. In every yard, in every alley, to the entrance of every beach. Join me in ushering in a new period of prosperity, add your star to the beacon-light of liberty for the whole world. The signs are brown.

God bless you and God Bless Lankville.

President Pondicherry

President Pondicherry

Each day in Lankville is a celebration of the past; a joyous reaffirmation of what it means to be Lankvillians; a confirmation before the world of the vitality and durability of liberty.

It is because of liberty that we will be holding presidential elections in 2016. There will be many candidates. Some may seem better than me– they may have better posters. But I trust that you will vote with your heart, Lankville, as you have always done. The people will speak.

I want you to speak to me. Tell me about the elections. Tell me about liberty. I want to hear from you late at night when all the birds have flown into barns and only the sound of the lonely hoot owl remains. You can be drunk. This is liberty.

Our plans for the future are rigorous and innovative. The Northern Hole Area, long a center of vice and iniquity, will soon be completely leveled and replaced with malls and computer rooms. We have plans to construct an enormous super-highway straight through the area. There will be many ramps and overpasses. The guard rails will be topped with gold. It will be the envy of the world. We look forward to the day when no one with a car will be left behind.

Each day, I take a moment to sit in a patio chair outside the palace and reflect upon the lot of all Lankvillians. I believe in you and your happiness. It is my only non-sexual desire to make your life better. I often fall asleep for hours.

We will prevail.

God Bless You and God Bless Lankville,

President Pondicherry

President Pondicherry

We have a place, all of us, in a long story—a story we continue, but whose conclusion we will not see. It is the story of a new Lankville that became a friend and liberator of ancient kingdoms and a servant of freedom. It is the story of a Lankville that once possessed slaves but now only occasionally possesses slaves. It is the story of a Lankville that protects but does not possess, that deflects but does not conquer and has beautiful, beautiful malls– the envy of all the world.

It is a Lankvillian story— I want you to join me in celebrating it. Our faith in freedom is a rock in a raging sea and a seed upon the wind. I want you to tell me about that seed– how it blows to you. Write me about the seed. Can you feel it when you walk in the woods? Can you taste it? I’m told that you should be able to. Write me about it– write me about it now. You know that I can’t wait to get your letters– I want them so bad.

Every day, we affirm a new commitment to live out our nation’s promise through civility, courage, shopping, and character. Lankville, at its best, matches our commitment to ethics with a concern for civility. Our concern for civility is like a great bird that goes around to different tall trees. It is majestic, glorious and strong. There will be a banner showing the bird. You can come and see it. I want you to.

Unfortunately, however, as of this coming Tuesday, there will no longer be any trash pickup in Lankville.

God Bless You and God Bless Lankville,
President Pondicherry

President Pondicherry

Lankville, I am writing to you from the place where the earth swallowed up so many of our loved ones (and the amusement park). I hate it. I hate it when the earth does this. But these days of sorrow and outrage have also been marked by great acts of courage (some funnel cake fryers were saved). They have been marked by religious congregations coming together with plastic check-patterned tablecloths (you know, the ones that are easy to wipe down) and portable food containers, welcoming strangers as brothers. In a nearby community, when two men tried to break into a home during the confusion, neighbors shot them with guns. When I met Joey Bell of the Southeastern Lankville Mesa Fire Department, he and his colleagues were utilizing the “Jaws of Life” in a vain attempt to open the earth. “My car is in there,” Joey told me. “But I still have my spirit”.

Across our coasts, we are seeing a powerful Lankvillian determination to rebuild this amusement park.

The work of the rescue is largely finished (there wasn’t any). That’s because the earth has remained closed like some sort of hideous anus. But one day we will gather the enveloped. We will gather them, treat them with respect and prepare them for glorious rest in an afterlife full of fun in an amusement park in heaven. I know we will fulfill this promise.

The Department of Earth Chasms is now registering survivors of the incident. We are working to reunite them with their cars and some of the little toys they won. Call me. I know you know the number. Call me, tell me what you need. I will give it to you. Call me now.

The trial of Sensational Mons Island reminds us again that we are stronger than we know. They remind us of a hope beyond all pain and death– God who welcomes the lost to a house with no walls, made not by hands. Yes.

God Bless you and God Bless Lankville,
President Pondicherry

President Pondicherry

We must always be guided by the philosophy that made Lankville great.

As Lankvillians, we believe in our vigorous thrusting power. We can thrust forward and, by thrusting, create a powerful future full of meaning. We must believe in the ability of free peoples to make wise decisions, empower themselves and babies, and thrust always forward.

In the long run, Lankvillians can be confident of economic growth. But, in the short run, we can see that there is absolutely no growth at all. This is a conundrum.

We have taken steps to address this. There will be education– we will put an end to all those schools that disappeared and were replaced by malls. A task force is looking into that. And we will draw a blank on no babies. That is my new program- Draw a Blank on No Babies. Education begins with babies. We will educate them until they are adults and then, hopefully, they will find jobs in our new, giant, accelerated economy.

But I encourage: keep thrusting. I want you to tell me about your thrusts. Tell me how much you like to thrust. I want to hear about it. So much– more than you ever know.

God Bless You and God Bless Lankville,
President Pondicherry

President Pondicherry

My fellow Lankvillians,

There is an old medieval saying. “Oftentimes, a kingdom may possess a good in excess and a harm in excess, thus problems.” There is wisdom in this.

We have two things in excess in Lankville– beautiful malls and extraordinary violence.  Our malls are glittering bounteous visions.  I love them and I know you do too. I want you to tell me how much you love them– write to me.  Write poems, not ordinary letters. Write them on lavender paper. Kiss the paper so I can see your rouged lips.

But what of our violence?  It must end.  Join me in helping to end it.  If you were thinking about going out today and beheading somebody, I implore you– just don’t.  It’s simple.  Buy some tennis shoes instead.  Or write me that letter that we talked about earlier.

During summer, I find it useful to wander shirtless into a waving field of grains. There, using primitive tools, I dig a hole. With each year, due to the increasing capaciousness of my rump, the hole must be made larger. And yet, with each year, my strength grows weaker. It is a conundrum.

I am looking forward to an end to our violence and better malls. It is our hope that our people will come together in the spirit of life to forge a solution. Solutions happen only after careful contemplation in holes which is why I mentioned the earlier story about sitting in a hole.

God bless you and God bless Lankville,

President Pondicherry

President Pondicherry

My fellow Lankvillians,

Lankville is a country brimming with wonderful malls. But we also have verdant dells, wooded areas and little copses where some hippies enjoy camping. Such people, however, will not be able to continue fostering their love of the great outdoors if they are going to be murdered in tents. This menace must stop now.

In the past year, over ten thousand people have been murdered in tents or in challenges taking place inside tents. This is unacceptable. Tent murderers can shake the foundations of our biggest recreational tents but they cannot shake the foundations of Lankville. Our great land was founded by people in tents maybe. They created a shining beacon for love, malls and opportunity. No one will extinguish that light.

I have implemented our great nation’s emergency response plans (we have a couple). The search is already underway for these “agents of abomination” ™. We will find them. Know that they could be anywhere. Know that they will pay.

Meanwhile, please continue camping in our beautiful little wooded areas. I believe in my heart that you will be safe. I will pray for you.

God bless you and God bless Lankville,

President Pondicherry

President Pondicherry

My fellow Lankvillians,

We are shaken to our core. Our very freedom came under attack yesterday by a vicious behind slap in a deep suburban kitchen. Ultimately, however, the behind slapper will have failed. Lankville is strong. We are a great people and we will defend our nation.

Once, I kicked over a round hassock that I was thoroughly enjoying. The hassock rolled far away, beyond my handlers and into another distant arena, unseen and previously unknown. I let out a little choked cry of deep sorrow. But the hassock could not be retrieved despite my requests.

This is my parable.

God Bless You and God Bless Lankville,

President Pondicherry

President Pondicherry

I find it useful to go to the back of the fence in my yard. There is a little hill there (on the other side of the fence) that measures perhaps two feet in length but about 100 feet in wideth [sic]. This area can be very difficult to mow. Many have said things like, “Albert, stop being cheap. Buy a weedwacker and you can take care of that little hill in no time.” Others have said things entirely inappropriate to print here.

And yet, a certain tendency of inertia has crept into my bones. I have done nothing about the little hill. It grows and grows and is now a terrible cluster of weeds and trash and also, I believe, someone has been vomiting there. My neighbors have taken to calling Lankville officials (these calls, of course, come directly to my office). I have been forced to give myself enormous fines. Still, I have done nothing.

I continue to go out to the fence each day though. As the days pass, I begin to feel a slow mania creeping in. Two days ago, I went without pants altogether. Yesterday, I ordered a pizza but did not eat it. Today, I plan on allowing squirrels to enter my walls. I will call someone to remove them, of course.

I need to prove that I am still in control.

God Bless You and God Bless Lankville,

President Pondicherry