President Pondicherry on the State of Lankville
A LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS PRESIDENTIAL ADDRESS
Yesterday, I had occasion to visit a candy factory in the Southern Lankville Marshland Area. The factory was operated by strong, sturdy, lusty men of Lankville– the great men who forged a new path in factories and candy– who turned marshlands into slightly less wet marshlands through their own vitality, commitment to excellence and their grim bonds to the great soil.
There is a woman and a mountain person running for President for 2016. What a wonderful symbol of diversity this is! A sign of the lessening of the chains of inequality. Lankville, you should be proud.
Of course, neither will win. Women and mountain people are incompetent.
During this election season, I find it useful to take short trips to distant, abandoned places. I stand in cracked, weedy parking lots. Some of the parking lots have ancient, desiccated “FOR LEASE” signs in one far corner, nearly covered in brush. Of course, they are no longer for lease. They are forgotten by most.
But, I will not forget. Where others see a disgusting dog shit-covered macadam, I see opportunity. I see malls. I see highway ramps. I see more candy factories. I see more wonderfully big, muscle-strewn men. I see Lankville.
The national poll is out. If you haven’t already done so, please participate. The people of Lankville should remain informed, always and forever. By participating, you will also be entered into a contest to win a free sandwich. (Editor’s note: no such contest exists). We are a great, great people.
Vote for me.
God Bless You and God Bless Lankville,
President Pondicherry
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CURIOUS LETTERS
Gentlemen,
My name is Fletcher M. Gregory, Jr. and I am 85 years old. I have long been an admirer of your Fluffy Marshes-Mallows; indeed, my man-servant Mr. Swift and I enjoy it atop our sundaes three or four days per week! However, as time has passed, I have noticed that your product becomes more and more difficult to locate in the grocery center and that other, obviously inferior products are now being allotted primer space. Now, this could be the work of the disgraceful he-she that manages my local grocery center (IT'S name is "Steve") but I have had other associates who have expressed similar concerns.
Therefore, I was hoping you could provide me with information on how you intend to rectify this matter as I am fearful that your fine product will eventually disappear forever from the shelves of my local grocery center-cum Sodom.
Yours faithfully,
Fletcher M. Gregory, Lankville
LETTER SACK