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BREAKING: Pondicherry Wins Election

October 20, 2015 Leave a comment

Decision 2016

By Bernie Keebler

By Bernie Keebler

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

In a surprise move, President Pondicherry has won his re-election bid for 2016. Sturdy Teddy was named Vice-President.

The results of the recent national poll were declared official in lieu of an actual election.

“I’m lusciously delighted with the results,” said Pondicherry, who secures his second term as President. “This is a great, sturdy, robust nation. We will move forward. It may be a slow forward progress. There may be times when we may even be appearing to move backwards. But in the end, there will be gain.”

Poll results (now official)

Poll results (now official)

Only 49 Lankvillians voted in the national poll (now Presidential election). Pondicherry received 32.65% of the vote.

Sturdy Teddy, who recovered from a close-range shooting, secures his first Vice-Presidential nod.

“We chose Sturdy Teddy because of his resourcefulness,” said Pondicherry, at a small election party held in someone’s front yard. “He comes from the hills, a person of the lowest rank, who has forged a path of decency and public service.”

Shortly before alighting the podium to deliver his acceptance speech, Sturdy Teddy was shot in the face. He is expected to recover.

David Hadbawnik of the Gourd Party placed 2nd in the poll (now Presidential election) and Ric Royer of Hell was third.

Bringing up the rear were Dr. Nickelbee of the Green Sanity Party, Amanda Jennifers of the Morality Party and Randy Pendleton of the Lankville Heritage Party.

No candidate has yet to issue a concession speech.

“And I won’t,” said Hadbawnik, from Gourd Party headquarters in the Snowy Lake District. “This is an absolute abomination. This is a rape of the democratic, Lankvillian process. It won’t stand.”

Presidential Poll Results In; Sturdy Teddy to Recover

October 2, 2015 1 comment

Decision 2016

By Otho Ump

By Otho Ump

Results of the first national Lankville Presidential Poll were released this morning.

pollPresident Pondicherry continues to hold a slight lead over challengers David Hadbawnik of the Gourd Party and Ric Royer of Hell. Only 39 people in the country voted.

“We were disappointed in the turnout but lusciously pleased with the results,” said Pondicherry, who attended a small breakfast in which cakes resembling deep sea sponges were served. “People should be ashamed that they didn’t participate in the democratic process. If you didn’t participate, I want you to write to me. Tell me why you didn’t participate. Give me all the reasons even if they don’t immediately seem relevant. Are you too busy late at night for example? Those moments when the sheets are warm with your body heat and…”

The President was interrupted by an aide and led away.

Bringing up the rear of the poll were Sturdy Teddy (shot) of the Mountain Party at 12.82% and Amanda Jennifers of the Morality Party at 7.69%. Randy Pendleton and Dr. Nickelbee received only one vote each.

“Everything has a season, including gourds,” said a Sturdy Teddy supporter, who refused to be identified and was later involved in a challenge. “Sturdy Teddy knows not to mess with tradition.”

A second Presidential poll will be posted in a few weeks.

In other news, candidate Teddy is expected to recover after being shot numerous times at close range yesterday.

“He’s doing well, resting, some eating,” said attending physician Dr. Yothers. “We actually lost him for awhile– for a good two hours we couldn’t find him. Then, we discovered we had left him in a distant basement room.”

Dr. Yothers giggled strangely.

“What a caper!” he added.

Sturdy Teddy is expected to hold a short press conference in a few days.

Political Round-Up with Zach Keebaugh

September 29, 2015 1 comment

Decision 2016

Zach Keebaugh

Zach Keebaugh

Investigative Reporter Zach Keebaugh had a chance to sit down with Presidential candidates Albert Pondicherry, Larry Pendleton, Ric Royer, Amanda Jennifers, Dr. Nickelbee, Stury Teddy and David Hadbawnik this morning in a hospital cafeteria.

ZK: Let’s start with you Pondicherry. Yo, what are you going to do different?
AP: Zach, we have beautiful shores in Lankville. We have the sky overhead. We have the sounds of people loving, kissing and retching and we have the laughter of children.
ZK: You want to jump in here Nickelbee?

President Pondicherry has a new dog!

President Pondicherry

DN(putting his hand on Keebaugh’s knee): Zach, the beautiful shores won’t be beautiful for much longer. That’s why the Green Sanity Union is the only party to back.
ZK: We haven’t heard from Larry Pendleton yet. Larry?
LP: We have a problem in this country. It’s called Islanders. Our current President…
ZK: WHOA…let’s keep the pudding on the table here Larry.
LP: I’ll make the Islanders pay for their deceit…
ZK: Let’s get off this fucking shit. Sturdy Teddy, you wanted to say something?
ST: No. Not really.
DN(butting in): It’s okay for all of us to feel, even Larry Pendleton. But we don’t want to feel without trust. We want to plow by our demons together as a whole country…
AJ: I’m going to build a wall around vice…
DN: …and as we plow through the hideous, ungodly demons…
RR: Did you bring any soda, Zach?
DN: …we will find ourselves face to face with ourselves…
LP: This is the kind of pseudo-intellectual tripe that the Pendleton campaign is against…
DN: …and YOUR HORRIBLENESS IS WHY EVERY DAY IN LANKVILLE IS A PERSONAL HELL FOR ME!
(Dr. Nickelbee got up and stormed out of the cafeteria).

Randy Pendleton

Randy Pendleton

ZK: Damn, all. Let’s try to get a handle on this…
RR: Zach, are there any sodas through any of these doors?
ZK: Let’s try to get back to some of the issues. What about The Challenge Problem?
LP: Challenges are all perpetrated by Islanders.
DH: Zach, David Hadbawnik and the Gourd Party are…
PP: I’m not sure that’s entirely true Larry. The Bureau of Probes has data…
LP: The Bureau of Probes is an organization funded by taxpayer money. We all know that the Bureau does nothing but take lavish airplane trips and buy fancy calculators…
ZK: Yo, this fucking shit is going nowhere fast. Sturdy Teddy?
ST: No…no…nothing Zach.
ZK: David Hadbawnik?
DH: I was just saying that the Gourd Party is the only humane choice here.
ZK: Yo! Your running mate is a gourd, man.
DH: That’s not…
AJ: I’m going to build a wall around filth and pornography.
LP: Then you better build a wall around The Bureau of Probes.
RR: Can you get me my box of soda that you promised Zach?
ZK: Alright, time to wrap up the round-up. Any final words?
Everyone began talking loudly at once and the interviews were ended prematurely.

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