Home > Election 2016 > Political Round-Up with Zach Keebaugh

Political Round-Up with Zach Keebaugh

September 29, 2015 Leave a comment Go to comments

Decision 2016

Zach Keebaugh

Zach Keebaugh

Investigative Reporter Zach Keebaugh had a chance to sit down with Presidential candidates Albert Pondicherry, Larry Pendleton, Ric Royer, Amanda Jennifers, Dr. Nickelbee, Stury Teddy and David Hadbawnik this morning in a hospital cafeteria.

ZK: Let’s start with you Pondicherry. Yo, what are you going to do different?
AP: Zach, we have beautiful shores in Lankville. We have the sky overhead. We have the sounds of people loving, kissing and retching and we have the laughter of children.
ZK: You want to jump in here Nickelbee?

President Pondicherry has a new dog!

President Pondicherry

DN(putting his hand on Keebaugh’s knee): Zach, the beautiful shores won’t be beautiful for much longer. That’s why the Green Sanity Union is the only party to back.
ZK: We haven’t heard from Larry Pendleton yet. Larry?
LP: We have a problem in this country. It’s called Islanders. Our current President…
ZK: WHOA…let’s keep the pudding on the table here Larry.
LP: I’ll make the Islanders pay for their deceit…
ZK: Let’s get off this fucking shit. Sturdy Teddy, you wanted to say something?
ST: No. Not really.
DN(butting in): It’s okay for all of us to feel, even Larry Pendleton. But we don’t want to feel without trust. We want to plow by our demons together as a whole country…
AJ: I’m going to build a wall around vice…
DN: …and as we plow through the hideous, ungodly demons…
RR: Did you bring any soda, Zach?
DN: …we will find ourselves face to face with ourselves…
LP: This is the kind of pseudo-intellectual tripe that the Pendleton campaign is against…
DN: …and YOUR HORRIBLENESS IS WHY EVERY DAY IN LANKVILLE IS A PERSONAL HELL FOR ME!
(Dr. Nickelbee got up and stormed out of the cafeteria).

Randy Pendleton

Randy Pendleton

ZK: Damn, all. Let’s try to get a handle on this…
RR: Zach, are there any sodas through any of these doors?
ZK: Let’s try to get back to some of the issues. What about The Challenge Problem?
LP: Challenges are all perpetrated by Islanders.
DH: Zach, David Hadbawnik and the Gourd Party are…
PP: I’m not sure that’s entirely true Larry. The Bureau of Probes has data…
LP: The Bureau of Probes is an organization funded by taxpayer money. We all know that the Bureau does nothing but take lavish airplane trips and buy fancy calculators…
ZK: Yo, this fucking shit is going nowhere fast. Sturdy Teddy?
ST: No…no…nothing Zach.
ZK: David Hadbawnik?
DH: I was just saying that the Gourd Party is the only humane choice here.
ZK: Yo! Your running mate is a gourd, man.
DH: That’s not…
AJ: I’m going to build a wall around filth and pornography.
LP: Then you better build a wall around The Bureau of Probes.
RR: Can you get me my box of soda that you promised Zach?
ZK: Alright, time to wrap up the round-up. Any final words?
Everyone began talking loudly at once and the interviews were ended prematurely.

  1. September 29, 2015 at 1:18 pm

    Everything has a season, even gourds.

    Sturdy Teddy knows better than to mess with tradition.

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