Archive
News Endorses Goberman for Governor of Eastern Pines Area
By Elliott Cumber-Lanny
The Lankville Daily News has endorsed candidate M. Goberman for Governor of the Eastern Pines Area, it was announced today.
“Goberman represents leadership for the future [of the Eastern Pines Area]. He’s not afraid to speak his mind. We are pleased to give him our support,” noted News Editor-in-Chief Marles Cundiff.
Goberman, who has served two terms as a district representative for the Eastern Pines Area, is running against embattled incumbent Bradley Komminsk.
“[Komminsk] is a complete shitbird,” Goberman stated this morning at a rally outside a mall. “He’s plunged my beloved Eastern Pines Area into a god damn candied-ass turd carnival. That ends in 2016.”
The endorsement today is another feather in Goberman’s cap– the candidate already holds an 89%-7% lead in early polls with 4% of voters undecided or dead.
Goberman during a recent rally.
“I will bury him. There is no question,” Goberman averred.
Goberman has not shied away from controversy. He has stated that if he wins the governor’s seat, he will expel Komminsk from the area.
“He will not be permitted into the Eastern Pines. If he tries to enter, we will CRUSH him,” Goberman said in a recent interview.
Political Round-Up with Zach Keebaugh
Zach Keebaugh
Investigative Reporter Zach Keebaugh had a chance to sit down with Presidential candidates Albert Pondicherry, Larry Pendleton, Ric Royer, Amanda Jennifers, Dr. Nickelbee, Stury Teddy and David Hadbawnik this morning in a hospital cafeteria.
ZK: Let’s start with you Pondicherry. Yo, what are you going to do different?
AP: Zach, we have beautiful shores in Lankville. We have the sky overhead. We have the sounds of people loving, kissing and retching and we have the laughter of children.
ZK: You want to jump in here Nickelbee?
President Pondicherry
DN(putting his hand on Keebaugh’s knee): Zach, the beautiful shores won’t be beautiful for much longer. That’s why the Green Sanity Union is the only party to back.
ZK: We haven’t heard from Larry Pendleton yet. Larry?
LP: We have a problem in this country. It’s called Islanders. Our current President…
ZK: WHOA…let’s keep the pudding on the table here Larry.
LP: I’ll make the Islanders pay for their deceit…
ZK: Let’s get off this fucking shit. Sturdy Teddy, you wanted to say something?
ST: No. Not really.
DN(butting in): It’s okay for all of us to feel, even Larry Pendleton. But we don’t want to feel without trust. We want to plow by our demons together as a whole country…
AJ: I’m going to build a wall around vice…
DN: …and as we plow through the hideous, ungodly demons…
RR: Did you bring any soda, Zach?
DN: …we will find ourselves face to face with ourselves…
LP: This is the kind of pseudo-intellectual tripe that the Pendleton campaign is against…
DN: …and YOUR HORRIBLENESS IS WHY EVERY DAY IN LANKVILLE IS A PERSONAL HELL FOR ME!
(Dr. Nickelbee got up and stormed out of the cafeteria).
Randy Pendleton
ZK: Damn, all. Let’s try to get a handle on this…
RR: Zach, are there any sodas through any of these doors?
ZK: Let’s try to get back to some of the issues. What about The Challenge Problem?
LP: Challenges are all perpetrated by Islanders.
DH: Zach, David Hadbawnik and the Gourd Party are…
PP: I’m not sure that’s entirely true Larry. The Bureau of Probes has data…
LP: The Bureau of Probes is an organization funded by taxpayer money. We all know that the Bureau does nothing but take lavish airplane trips and buy fancy calculators…
ZK: Yo, this fucking shit is going nowhere fast. Sturdy Teddy?
ST: No…no…nothing Zach.
ZK: David Hadbawnik?
DH: I was just saying that the Gourd Party is the only humane choice here.
ZK: Yo! Your running mate is a gourd, man.
DH: That’s not…
AJ: I’m going to build a wall around filth and pornography.
LP: Then you better build a wall around The Bureau of Probes.
RR: Can you get me my box of soda that you promised Zach?
ZK: Alright, time to wrap up the round-up. Any final words?
Everyone began talking loudly at once and the interviews were ended prematurely.
New Presidential Poll Issued Today
Buck Igloos
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Lankville’s first national Presidential poll was issued this morning.
The Poll, designed in a joint effort by The Lankville Daily News, the Meulens-LaPoint Quotient Studios, and Samways and Fick: Consultants, is the first attempt to measure popular opinion for the 2016 race.
“We’re hoping it will give us a sense of who Lankville is seriously considering,” said Sarah Samways of Samways and Fick: Consultants, who was interviewed while watching a game show. “Right now, I think the public is sort of in the dark about who…”
Samways became distracted as the game show had proceeded to a “fast money” round. The interview was ended prematurely.
The poll will include prominent candidates such as President Pondicherry, Randy Pendleton, Amanda Jennifers, and Ric Royer but also lesser candidates such as David Hadbawnik, Dr. Nickelbee, and Sturdy Teddy.
Polling will end Thursday and results will be announced by The Lankville Daily News on Friday.
Participate in the poll by reading the information below:
Brock Belvedere’s Guide to the 2016 Presidential Race
By Brock Belvedere
How will Lankville vote? What are the issues? What do the candidates look like? What about the “funny candidates” who have no chance to win? As the fight to the 2016 presidential election heats up, here is my exclusive guide to who may be the next president of Lankville:
PRESIDENT PONDICHERRY
Lankville Party of Moderation
Pondicherry
Dr. Albert C. Pondicherry, Jr., son of two former Lankville Presidents, began his political career serving as governor of the Eastern Pines Area from 1999 to 2007, after narrowly missing winning that job in 1994. He is known for his moderate stances on Challenges and trash pickup and believes that the Lankville government should have no role in making weighty decisions.
Status: Declared. Pondicherry launched his campaign via a Presdential Address and a small late night reception at the Casa Montecriso (an elegant reception hall).
Age on Election Day: 54
Education: Eastern Easier University (Western Island Social Studies major)
Family: None
Birthplace: Eastern Pines Area
RANDY PENDLETON
Lankville Heritage Party
Pendleton
Randy Pendleton needs no introduction. He is one of the World’s Most Famous People, the owner of several tall buildings, a wildly-successful food chain and is a regular guest on television and radio programs. His political service is wide-ranging; he has served on the Bureau of Probes since 2012 and is an active member of the Koala Bears and Walnuts Club. He is a self-declared “heavyweight conservative”.
Status: Declared. Pendleton announced his candidacy in a tent.
Age on Election Day: 49
Education: Pendleton eschewed all traditional forms of education and instead “trained myself.”
Family: Five boys: Conor (15), Taylor (13), Bryce (11), Randy, Jr. (8) and Barlow (5). Wife, Peggy (5 out of 10), age 47.
Birthplace: Lankville Bluffs (Northern)
AMANDA JENNIFERS
Morality Party
A late candidate, Jennifers is chairman of the newly-founded “Morality Party”. She claims that she will “build a great wall around filth, intercourse, cussing and challenges” and has a plan to rid Lankville of “pornographic publications” and “pizza” and to “build more malls and highways”.
Jennifers
Status: Declared. Jennifers annouced her candidacy this morning after rocketing to fame following her attack on Lankville Daily News food columnist Brian Schropp.
Age on Election Day: 37
Education: Barlow Foods High School
Family: Four boys, one girl: Connor (12), Randy (9), Mason (6), Riley (3); Alexis (10); Husband Kent Jennifers, age 39.
Birthplace: Deep Northern Suburbs
RIC ROYER
Hell
Lankville business magnate Ric Royer announced his candidacy in July, listing his political affiliation only as “hell”.
Royer
Royer has long been one of Lankville’s most enigmatic characters– the founder of several extremely successful businesses including “Royer Automats”, “Worlds of Royer”, a toy company, and The Dollar Bush, a chain of discount stores. He has also spent long periods of time in the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness mental institution. “This should not be a problem for the voters,” Royer noted, in a short speech given at a hotel that was later destroyed by fire. “The decisions of great men are not made in giant palaces with columns. They can be made anywhere, even in a shed.”
Royer’s political viewpoints are unclear.
Status: Declared. Royer announced his candidacy on five different occasions while in the game room at Foontz-Flonnaise.
Age on Election Day: 38
Education: Greater Lankville Falls University (Theatrical Times major), Advanced Greater Lankville Falls University (Theatre and Animal History major).
Family: None
Birthplace: Lankville Falls
Rounding out the Ballot
David Hadbawnik (Gourd Party), Dr. Nickelbee (Green Sanity Union), Sturdy Teddy (Mountain Party)
Jennifers to Throw Hat in ’16 Ring: “Morality Candidate” to Challenge Pondicherry
By Elliott Cumber-Lanny
Amanda Jennifers, who rose to fame yesterday as a “morality activist” has decided to throw her hat in the 2016 Presidential race ring.
Amanda Jennifers, Morality Party.
Jennifers, who was named leader of the newly-formed Morality Party, will challenge incumbent Pondicherry and world-famous citizen Randy Pendleton for the Presidency.
“I will build a great wall around filth,” said Jennifers, who announced her candidacy at the Casa Montecristo (an elegant reception hall) this morning. “A great wall around filth, intercourse, cussing and challenges. Are you ready for me Lankville?”
A small crowd politely clapped in response.
Jennifers, 37 (rated about an 8 of 10 by this reporter) has never held political office. She rose to prominence yesterday after attacking Lankville Daily News columnist Brian Schropp’s latest book Breakfast Sandwich Boy.
“Lankville needs to be shaken and wobbled,” said a supporter who refused to be identified and was later pushed off a cliff. “I think that Amanda is the one to do that– she speaks the truth.”
Current polls show Pendleton as the front-runner in the race, Pondicherry a close second and Jennifers a distant third.
“I’m in this for the long haul,” Jennifers noted. “Morality always wins. Always.”
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Use your new Intermission TV Typewriter to communicate with hot women! Women are lying around, all over Lankville, just waiting for someone to type something on their TV's. It could be you. Available at your neighborhood electronics retailer.
ADVERTISEMENT
Vitiello Decorative Hams "Fall Batch" now available. Home inspection required. Leaves considerably extra. Call East Lankville 3298 or 4151.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
Compliance with subsection: 16.61(2), Lankville statutes.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option on your next job, consider a Chambers Company hand drill. With 3/8" chuck and gun-metal finish, the steel casing of the drill is thick and sturdy for durability and will come in handy for light construction, carpentry and also for DRILLING HOLES IN FENCES TO SEE TITS
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's Barbeque. Waitress needed, someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of questions. Call Hole 9913.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S FRENCH TOAST
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MEAT FRENZY
Call Kelly (male): 5-2614
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK