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News Endorses Goberman for Governor of Eastern Pines Area

November 6, 2015 Leave a comment
By Elliott Cumber-Lanny

By Elliott Cumber-Lanny

The Lankville Daily News has endorsed candidate M. Goberman for Governor of the Eastern Pines Area, it was announced today.Decision 2016

“Goberman represents leadership for the future [of the Eastern Pines Area]. He’s not afraid to speak his mind. We are pleased to give him our support,” noted News Editor-in-Chief Marles Cundiff.

Goberman, who has served two terms as a district representative for the Eastern Pines Area, is running against embattled incumbent Bradley Komminsk.

“[Komminsk] is a complete shitbird,” Goberman stated this morning at a rally outside a mall. “He’s plunged my beloved Eastern Pines Area into a god damn candied-ass turd carnival. That ends in 2016.”

The endorsement today is another feather in Goberman’s cap– the candidate already holds an 89%-7% lead in early polls with 4% of voters undecided or dead.

Goberman during a recent rally.

Goberman during a recent rally.

“I will bury him. There is no question,” Goberman averred.

Goberman has not shied away from controversy. He has stated that if he wins the governor’s seat, he will expel Komminsk from the area.

“He will not be permitted into the Eastern Pines. If he tries to enter, we will CRUSH him,” Goberman said in a recent interview.

Political Round-Up with Zach Keebaugh

September 29, 2015 1 comment

Decision 2016

Zach Keebaugh

Zach Keebaugh

Investigative Reporter Zach Keebaugh had a chance to sit down with Presidential candidates Albert Pondicherry, Larry Pendleton, Ric Royer, Amanda Jennifers, Dr. Nickelbee, Stury Teddy and David Hadbawnik this morning in a hospital cafeteria.

ZK: Let’s start with you Pondicherry. Yo, what are you going to do different?
AP: Zach, we have beautiful shores in Lankville. We have the sky overhead. We have the sounds of people loving, kissing and retching and we have the laughter of children.
ZK: You want to jump in here Nickelbee?

President Pondicherry has a new dog!

President Pondicherry

DN(putting his hand on Keebaugh’s knee): Zach, the beautiful shores won’t be beautiful for much longer. That’s why the Green Sanity Union is the only party to back.
ZK: We haven’t heard from Larry Pendleton yet. Larry?
LP: We have a problem in this country. It’s called Islanders. Our current President…
ZK: WHOA…let’s keep the pudding on the table here Larry.
LP: I’ll make the Islanders pay for their deceit…
ZK: Let’s get off this fucking shit. Sturdy Teddy, you wanted to say something?
ST: No. Not really.
DN(butting in): It’s okay for all of us to feel, even Larry Pendleton. But we don’t want to feel without trust. We want to plow by our demons together as a whole country…
AJ: I’m going to build a wall around vice…
DN: …and as we plow through the hideous, ungodly demons…
RR: Did you bring any soda, Zach?
DN: …we will find ourselves face to face with ourselves…
LP: This is the kind of pseudo-intellectual tripe that the Pendleton campaign is against…
DN: …and YOUR HORRIBLENESS IS WHY EVERY DAY IN LANKVILLE IS A PERSONAL HELL FOR ME!
(Dr. Nickelbee got up and stormed out of the cafeteria).

Randy Pendleton

Randy Pendleton

ZK: Damn, all. Let’s try to get a handle on this…
RR: Zach, are there any sodas through any of these doors?
ZK: Let’s try to get back to some of the issues. What about The Challenge Problem?
LP: Challenges are all perpetrated by Islanders.
DH: Zach, David Hadbawnik and the Gourd Party are…
PP: I’m not sure that’s entirely true Larry. The Bureau of Probes has data…
LP: The Bureau of Probes is an organization funded by taxpayer money. We all know that the Bureau does nothing but take lavish airplane trips and buy fancy calculators…
ZK: Yo, this fucking shit is going nowhere fast. Sturdy Teddy?
ST: No…no…nothing Zach.
ZK: David Hadbawnik?
DH: I was just saying that the Gourd Party is the only humane choice here.
ZK: Yo! Your running mate is a gourd, man.
DH: That’s not…
AJ: I’m going to build a wall around filth and pornography.
LP: Then you better build a wall around The Bureau of Probes.
RR: Can you get me my box of soda that you promised Zach?
ZK: Alright, time to wrap up the round-up. Any final words?
Everyone began talking loudly at once and the interviews were ended prematurely.

New Presidential Poll Issued Today

September 28, 2015 1 comment
A Buck Igloos Health Watch

Buck Igloos

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

Lankville’s first national Presidential poll was issued this morning.

The Poll, designed in a joint effort by The Lankville Daily News, the Meulens-LaPoint Quotient Studios, and Samways and Fick: Consultants, is the first attempt to measure popular opinion for the 2016 race.

“We’re hoping it will give us a sense of who Lankville is seriously considering,” said Sarah Samways of Samways and Fick: Consultants, who was interviewed while watching a game show. “Right now, I think the public is sort of in the dark about who…”

Samways became distracted as the game show had proceeded to a “fast money” round. The interview was ended prematurely.

The poll will include prominent candidates such as President Pondicherry, Randy Pendleton, Amanda Jennifers, and Ric Royer but also lesser candidates such as David Hadbawnik, Dr. Nickelbee, and Sturdy Teddy.

Polling will end Thursday and results will be announced by The Lankville Daily News on Friday.

Participate in the poll by reading the information below:

Brock Belvedere’s Guide to the 2016 Presidential Race

September 24, 2015 1 comment
Brock Belvedere

By Brock Belvedere

How will Lankville vote? What are the issues? What do the candidates look like? What about the “funny candidates” who have no chance to win? As the fight to the 2016 presidential election heats up, here is my exclusive guide to who may be the next president of Lankville:

PRESIDENT PONDICHERRY

Lankville Party of Moderation

President Pondicherry has a new dog!

Pondicherry

Dr. Albert C. Pondicherry, Jr., son of two former Lankville Presidents, began his political career serving as governor of the Eastern Pines Area from 1999 to 2007, after narrowly missing winning that job in 1994. He is known for his moderate stances on Challenges and trash pickup and believes that the Lankville government should have no role in making weighty decisions.

Status: Declared. Pondicherry launched his campaign via a Presdential Address and a small late night reception at the Casa Montecriso (an elegant reception hall).

Age on Election Day: 54

Education: Eastern Easier University (Western Island Social Studies major)

Family: None

Birthplace: Eastern Pines Area

RANDY PENDLETON

Lankville Heritage Party

By Randy Pendleton

Pendleton

Randy Pendleton needs no introduction. He is one of the World’s Most Famous People, the owner of several tall buildings, a wildly-successful food chain and is a regular guest on television and radio programs. His political service is wide-ranging; he has served on the Bureau of Probes since 2012 and is an active member of the Koala Bears and Walnuts Club. He is a self-declared “heavyweight conservative”.

Status: Declared. Pendleton announced his candidacy in a tent.

Age on Election Day: 49

Education: Pendleton eschewed all traditional forms of education and instead “trained myself.”

Family: Five boys: Conor (15), Taylor (13), Bryce (11), Randy, Jr. (8) and Barlow (5). Wife, Peggy (5 out of 10), age 47.

Birthplace: Lankville Bluffs (Northern)

AMANDA JENNIFERS

Morality Party

A late candidate, Jennifers is chairman of the newly-founded “Morality Party”. She claims that she will “build a great wall around filth, intercourse, cussing and challenges” and has a plan to rid Lankville of “pornographic publications” and “pizza” and to “build more malls and highways”.

Amanda Jennifers, Morality Party.

Jennifers

Status: Declared. Jennifers annouced her candidacy this morning after rocketing to fame following her attack on Lankville Daily News food columnist Brian Schropp.

Age on Election Day: 37

Education: Barlow Foods High School

Family: Four boys, one girl: Connor (12), Randy (9), Mason (6), Riley (3); Alexis (10); Husband Kent Jennifers, age 39.

Birthplace: Deep Northern Suburbs

RIC ROYER

Hell

Lankville business magnate Ric Royer announced his candidacy in July, listing his political affiliation only as “hell”.

By Ric Royer

Royer

Royer has long been one of Lankville’s most enigmatic characters– the founder of several extremely successful businesses including “Royer Automats”, “Worlds of Royer”, a toy company, and The Dollar Bush, a chain of discount stores. He has also spent long periods of time in the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness mental institution. “This should not be a problem for the voters,” Royer noted, in a short speech given at a hotel that was later destroyed by fire. “The decisions of great men are not made in giant palaces with columns. They can be made anywhere, even in a shed.”

Royer’s political viewpoints are unclear.

Status: Declared. Royer announced his candidacy on five different occasions while in the game room at Foontz-Flonnaise.

Age on Election Day: 38

Education: Greater Lankville Falls University (Theatrical Times major), Advanced Greater Lankville Falls University (Theatre and Animal History major).

Family: None

Birthplace: Lankville Falls

Rounding out the Ballot

David Hadbawnik (Gourd Party), Dr. Nickelbee (Green Sanity Union), Sturdy Teddy (Mountain Party)

Jennifers to Throw Hat in ’16 Ring: “Morality Candidate” to Challenge Pondicherry

September 24, 2015 Leave a comment
By Elliott Cumber-Lanny

By Elliott Cumber-Lanny

Amanda Jennifers, who rose to fame yesterday as a “morality activist” has decided to throw her hat in the 2016 Presidential race ring.

Amanda Jennifers, Morality Party.

Amanda Jennifers, Morality Party.

Jennifers, who was named leader of the newly-formed Morality Party, will challenge incumbent Pondicherry and world-famous citizen Randy Pendleton for the Presidency.

“I will build a great wall around filth,” said Jennifers, who announced her candidacy at the Casa Montecristo (an elegant reception hall) this morning. “A great wall around filth, intercourse, cussing and challenges. Are you ready for me Lankville?”

A small crowd politely clapped in response.

Jennifers, 37 (rated about an 8 of 10 by this reporter) has never held political office. She rose to prominence yesterday after attacking Lankville Daily News columnist Brian Schropp’s latest book Breakfast Sandwich Boy.

“Lankville needs to be shaken and wobbled,” said a supporter who refused to be identified and was later pushed off a cliff. “I think that Amanda is the one to do that– she speaks the truth.”

Current polls show Pendleton as the front-runner in the race, Pondicherry a close second and Jennifers a distant third.

“I’m in this for the long haul,” Jennifers noted. “Morality always wins. Always.”