Home > Lankville Action News: YES! > Brock Belvedere’s Guide to the 2016 Presidential Race

Brock Belvedere’s Guide to the 2016 Presidential Race

September 24, 2015 Leave a comment Go to comments
Brock Belvedere

By Brock Belvedere

How will Lankville vote? What are the issues? What do the candidates look like? What about the “funny candidates” who have no chance to win? As the fight to the 2016 presidential election heats up, here is my exclusive guide to who may be the next president of Lankville:

PRESIDENT PONDICHERRY

Lankville Party of Moderation

President Pondicherry has a new dog!

Pondicherry

Dr. Albert C. Pondicherry, Jr., son of two former Lankville Presidents, began his political career serving as governor of the Eastern Pines Area from 1999 to 2007, after narrowly missing winning that job in 1994. He is known for his moderate stances on Challenges and trash pickup and believes that the Lankville government should have no role in making weighty decisions.

Status: Declared. Pondicherry launched his campaign via a Presdential Address and a small late night reception at the Casa Montecriso (an elegant reception hall).

Age on Election Day: 54

Education: Eastern Easier University (Western Island Social Studies major)

Family: None

Birthplace: Eastern Pines Area

RANDY PENDLETON

Lankville Heritage Party

By Randy Pendleton

Pendleton

Randy Pendleton needs no introduction. He is one of the World’s Most Famous People, the owner of several tall buildings, a wildly-successful food chain and is a regular guest on television and radio programs. His political service is wide-ranging; he has served on the Bureau of Probes since 2012 and is an active member of the Koala Bears and Walnuts Club. He is a self-declared “heavyweight conservative”.

Status: Declared. Pendleton announced his candidacy in a tent.

Age on Election Day: 49

Education: Pendleton eschewed all traditional forms of education and instead “trained myself.”

Family: Five boys: Conor (15), Taylor (13), Bryce (11), Randy, Jr. (8) and Barlow (5). Wife, Peggy (5 out of 10), age 47.

Birthplace: Lankville Bluffs (Northern)

AMANDA JENNIFERS

Morality Party

A late candidate, Jennifers is chairman of the newly-founded “Morality Party”. She claims that she will “build a great wall around filth, intercourse, cussing and challenges” and has a plan to rid Lankville of “pornographic publications” and “pizza” and to “build more malls and highways”.

Amanda Jennifers, Morality Party.

Jennifers

Status: Declared. Jennifers annouced her candidacy this morning after rocketing to fame following her attack on Lankville Daily News food columnist Brian Schropp.

Age on Election Day: 37

Education: Barlow Foods High School

Family: Four boys, one girl: Connor (12), Randy (9), Mason (6), Riley (3); Alexis (10); Husband Kent Jennifers, age 39.

Birthplace: Deep Northern Suburbs

RIC ROYER

Hell

Lankville business magnate Ric Royer announced his candidacy in July, listing his political affiliation only as “hell”.

By Ric Royer

Royer

Royer has long been one of Lankville’s most enigmatic characters– the founder of several extremely successful businesses including “Royer Automats”, “Worlds of Royer”, a toy company, and The Dollar Bush, a chain of discount stores. He has also spent long periods of time in the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness mental institution. “This should not be a problem for the voters,” Royer noted, in a short speech given at a hotel that was later destroyed by fire. “The decisions of great men are not made in giant palaces with columns. They can be made anywhere, even in a shed.”

Royer’s political viewpoints are unclear.

Status: Declared. Royer announced his candidacy on five different occasions while in the game room at Foontz-Flonnaise.

Age on Election Day: 38

Education: Greater Lankville Falls University (Theatrical Times major), Advanced Greater Lankville Falls University (Theatre and Animal History major).

Family: None

Birthplace: Lankville Falls

Rounding out the Ballot

David Hadbawnik (Gourd Party), Dr. Nickelbee (Green Sanity Union), Sturdy Teddy (Mountain Party)

  1. oversion
    September 24, 2015 at 10:56 pm

    obviously gonna like that

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