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News Endorses Goberman for Governor of Eastern Pines Area

November 6, 2015 Leave a comment
By Elliott Cumber-Lanny

By Elliott Cumber-Lanny

The Lankville Daily News has endorsed candidate M. Goberman for Governor of the Eastern Pines Area, it was announced today.Decision 2016

“Goberman represents leadership for the future [of the Eastern Pines Area]. He’s not afraid to speak his mind. We are pleased to give him our support,” noted News Editor-in-Chief Marles Cundiff.

Goberman, who has served two terms as a district representative for the Eastern Pines Area, is running against embattled incumbent Bradley Komminsk.

“[Komminsk] is a complete shitbird,” Goberman stated this morning at a rally outside a mall. “He’s plunged my beloved Eastern Pines Area into a god damn candied-ass turd carnival. That ends in 2016.”

The endorsement today is another feather in Goberman’s cap– the candidate already holds an 89%-7% lead in early polls with 4% of voters undecided or dead.

Goberman during a recent rally.

Goberman during a recent rally.

“I will bury him. There is no question,” Goberman averred.

Goberman has not shied away from controversy. He has stated that if he wins the governor’s seat, he will expel Komminsk from the area.

“He will not be permitted into the Eastern Pines. If he tries to enter, we will CRUSH him,” Goberman said in a recent interview.

BREAKING: Presidential Candidate “Sturdy Teddy” Has Been Shot

October 1, 2015 Leave a comment

tragedy 2016

Bernie Keebler

By Bernie Keebler

2016 Presidential hopeful Sturdy Teddy has been shot, sources are confirming.

The independent “Mountain Party” candidate was attending a dough butter breakfast rally this morning when shots rang out, witnesses are reporting.

Sturdy Teddy was whisked away by handlers and his whereabouts are currently unknown. The shooter has not been identified.

Mountain candidate Sturdy Teddy.

Mountain candidate Sturdy Teddy.

“We are investigating,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who was the first to arrive at the scene. Someone appears to have accessed the gymnasium via a series of wide-open doors at the back. The individual appears to have been familiar with firearms. He had a lot of them. We’ve put some cones out.”

Gee-Temple pointed at two cones floating in a large puddle of blood.

“It all happened so fast,” said supporter Rod Ump of the Low Western Outlands. “We just hope Sturdy Teddy will recover. He was really starting to climb in the polls.”

Sturdy Teddy, 41 and unmarried, was placing 4th in a recent National Poll behind President Pondicherry of the Party of Moderation, David Hadbawnik of the Gourd Party, and Ric Royer of Hell.

“He was a man of few words,” said a supporter ominously. “But, clearly, that was speaking to the people of Lankville.”

The dough butter breakfast rally, a Mountain-area tradition, features dough and butter pressed between two flat sheets until golden-brown. The sheets are patterned to give the dough and butter its characteristic shape, size, and surface impression. The dough and butter breakfast can be traced to the Lankville Middle Ages when sheets typically depicted images of great Lankville Lords.

The traditional dough butter breakfast rally generally features large laminated folding tables with a 5/8″ thick, solid-core top coated with a scratch-resistant surface. Occasionally, economy tables are used which feature a plastic or polyethylene top. Regardless, both options feature fold-up dent resistant legs which make for easy cleanup.

Drink options include little “drink barrels” with a “peal-top”, popular in mountain areas. The drink barrels come in a variety of flavors including orange, blue, green and white.

“It was a nice event,” said Ump, who was helping to close the rear doors of the gymnasium. “Lot of food left. Lot of food.”

Lankville Talks Back

September 29, 2015 Leave a comment

Decision 2016

By Brock Belvedere

By Brock Belvedere

The Lankville Presidential Election is heating up. Incumbent Pondicherry is currently in the lead with Royer and Hadbawnik tied for second. Polls close on Thursday and the winner will be announced on Friday via this publication as well as through our sister pundit, The Boston Hassle. You’ve seen the attack ads, now let’s see what Lankvillians have to say about the candidates.

DAVID HADBAWNIK, GOURD

Sarah Samways

Sarah Samways

“I voted for David. Think he’s been running a strong campaign from the very beginning. He obviously has concerns about the environment. Nobody else has even mentioned the Lankvillian smog. He just seems like a regular guy you’d go and have Kombucha with at the local artisanal cheese shop. He’d make a fine President. Now, personally, I took issue with the fact that he helped to out my affair with Ashley Pfeiffers’ boyfriend but in hindsight, I’m glad he did. (He) was an absolute bore anyway. It just goes to show you, how uncompromised Hadbawnik’s ethics are – he can’t be bought, believe me I tried!” – Sarah Samways, Samways & Fick Consultants

ALBERT PONDICHERRY, MODERATION

“Great men should remain in positions of power for as long as possible. Change is overrated. Besides, Pondicherry is the only person to ever come down to my basement to browse my extensive vintage electronics collection. He even bought an old model Reckoner! He’s a man with great taste in polyester and has never once made me feel awkward about my sweat gland issue!” – Neil Cuppy, The Electronics Cranny

By Neil Cuppy

Neil Cuppy

“The Pizza-A-Round fully endorses Albert Pondicherry for President of Lankville. He supports local businesses, mostly the back of the house where there are good hiding places and a couple of random holes in the wall but nevertheless, he bought 72 pizzas for our little league team! Now, this is the off-season but he hand delivered every single one of those pies to each player’s home. Yes, it was 10:30 at night but his heart was in the right place – it always is.” – Pizza-A-Round

RANDY PENDLETON, LANKVILLE HERITAGE

“Goddamn motherlusting idiots! Pendleton is the only man for the job! He ain’t afraid to speak his mind. You got a problem with that, pal? Go back to whatever hut you were born in. Lankville needs to get back to its roots and become number one again. Pendleton is a guy who can roll with the punches and I like that, I like it a lot.” – Dick La Hoyt

AMANDA JENNIFERS, MORALITY

“I hereby declare myself as the most qualified candidate for President of Lankville. While the other candidates have their hands in jars of old money, mine are clean and ready for your examination. I don’t need to pay for endorsements; Lankville is ready for a new voice – a clear, well-educated, hard-working, voice that will stand up for them. Plus, I’m female and we all know what an asset that is in politics.” – Amanda Jennifers

RIC ROYER, HELL

Dr. Kevin Thurston

Dr. Kevin Thurston

“Ric’s been a patient of mine for some time and I’ve gotta say, he’s made some tremendous strides. Just yesterday, while doing some breathing exercises, he purchased a Feelings Trigger-Sphere (basketball), and a carafe of stale ginger ale, which at a combined total of $39.99 is an absolute steal. I spoke with him softly, merely above a whisper, as he explained his horrible dreams for Lankville. Now, I’m not registered to vote, because I feel competition, in general, can harbor some of our more yucky feelings but I’m not opposed to you doing so, Brock. In fact, I have these nice, antique quill pens that you can fill out your ballot with for a limited time offer price of $27.85…” – Dr. Kevin Thurston, Men’s Feelings Expert

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