Home > Decision 2016 > BREAKING: Presidential Candidate “Sturdy Teddy” Has Been Shot

BREAKING: Presidential Candidate “Sturdy Teddy” Has Been Shot

tragedy 2016

Bernie Keebler

By Bernie Keebler

2016 Presidential hopeful Sturdy Teddy has been shot, sources are confirming.

The independent “Mountain Party” candidate was attending a dough butter breakfast rally this morning when shots rang out, witnesses are reporting.

Sturdy Teddy was whisked away by handlers and his whereabouts are currently unknown. The shooter has not been identified.

Mountain candidate Sturdy Teddy.

Mountain candidate Sturdy Teddy.

“We are investigating,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who was the first to arrive at the scene. Someone appears to have accessed the gymnasium via a series of wide-open doors at the back. The individual appears to have been familiar with firearms. He had a lot of them. We’ve put some cones out.”

Gee-Temple pointed at two cones floating in a large puddle of blood.

“It all happened so fast,” said supporter Rod Ump of the Low Western Outlands. “We just hope Sturdy Teddy will recover. He was really starting to climb in the polls.”

Sturdy Teddy, 41 and unmarried, was placing 4th in a recent National Poll behind President Pondicherry of the Party of Moderation, David Hadbawnik of the Gourd Party, and Ric Royer of Hell.

“He was a man of few words,” said a supporter ominously. “But, clearly, that was speaking to the people of Lankville.”

The dough butter breakfast rally, a Mountain-area tradition, features dough and butter pressed between two flat sheets until golden-brown. The sheets are patterned to give the dough and butter its characteristic shape, size, and surface impression. The dough and butter breakfast can be traced to the Lankville Middle Ages when sheets typically depicted images of great Lankville Lords.

The traditional dough butter breakfast rally generally features large laminated folding tables with a 5/8″ thick, solid-core top coated with a scratch-resistant surface. Occasionally, economy tables are used which feature a plastic or polyethylene top. Regardless, both options feature fold-up dent resistant legs which make for easy cleanup.

Drink options include little “drink barrels” with a “peal-top”, popular in mountain areas. The drink barrels come in a variety of flavors including orange, blue, green and white.

“It was a nice event,” said Ump, who was helping to close the rear doors of the gymnasium. “Lot of food left. Lot of food.”

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