Lanklove on the Rocks: Sex Scandal as Popular Site Gets Hacked
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk
“CAUGHT IN A BAD ROMANCE”
Dave Schlarsberger, married for 22 years and assistant vice president in the Office of Financial Excellence at Lankville State University for almost as long, was looking for a bit of discreet “companionship.” Katie Lynn Rumpus wanted to find someone with whom she could, in her words, “work out the kinks” in what had become a sedate home life with her longtime husband. The two found each other via the popular Lanklove.com online dating interface – and now all of Lankville has found them out.
Dave Schlarsberger: Wanted Snacks, Not Hacks
Late last night a group of “hacktivists” calling itself the Lanklove Liberation Front dropped 22 jigabites of data into a “dark corner” of the News parking garage, containing the names, addresses, and predilections of thousands of local residents. The LLF announced it had breached Lanklove servers several weeks ago, and demanded the popular site immediately begin offering specialty sandwich and decorative ham delivery in addition to its other services. CEO Knute Beiderbecke staunchly resisted this demand, pointing out that the hiring of drivers to deliver said food items would cut perilously into his bottom line. Furthermore, he added, the Lankville food delivery market is more or less saturated, between Five White Guys Food Trucks and the new Schropp’s Slops.
“The irony is that I really was just looking for someone to share a late-night snack with,” said Dave Schlarsberger from his office. Schlarsberger, long bereft at the paucity of snack options in campus vending machines, claimed he logged onto Lanklove hoping to find someone as enthusiastic about Salty Crab Cake Crackers and Goudy Gorilla Chee-zits as he is. In Katie Lynn Rumpus, he thought he’d found a match. “Now my wife is furious,” he said, “and people are giving me strange looks in the hallways.” Schlarsberger is now sleeping on the couch – snackless – and worried he might have to take a lesser position at Eastern Hills Easier University as a result of the scandal.
“Celebrity skinned”
The most shocking revelations to emerge from the data breach involve salacious tidbits about Lankville celebrities such as Dick LaHoyt and – gulp – President Pondicherry. The President, already facing a tough re-election campaign battle and long rumored to frequent the seedy underbelly of the Lankville “swingers’ scene,” acted quickly to counter the emerging details through Spokesperson Sue Ely.
“The President’s account was hacked, plain and simple,” claimed Ely in a brief news conference. “He does not, nor has he ever, preferred a ‘Girl Next Door’ type with a ‘fit, lumpen physique’ who can ‘teach me to say yes while barking like a dog on all fours.’ That is simply absurd, as anyone who knows the President personally can tell you.”
Yet President Pondicherry apparently made three separate payments to Lanklove.com, including a sum of $350 for the “Lanklove guarantee” – an assurance that within three months he would be abducted from his home and treated to a “psychosexually fulfilling act” by a surprise partner, or receive a full refund. The Lankville Greater Council called for an investigation to determine if any public funds were used for the payments.
President Pondicherry: Stinger for a Swinger?
Dick La Hoyt, author of a popular series of opinion pieces for this paper, quickly admitted to his affair when confronted with the details and begged forgiveness from his readers and his wife, Tammy, who runs Tammy Nails at the Three Pines Double-Tiered Strip Mall in the Deep Lankville Basin Area. “I’m a strong man,” he said in a prepared statement. “I get punched in the mouth a lot, and I pop right back up and get punched in the mouth again. But like many others, I have weaknesses, too. Some punches hit a little deeper, where it really hurts. When it hurts my family…” La Hoyt then began punching himself in the face and was led away from the podium by his wife, Tammy.
“Say it ain’t so”
Perhaps the most controversial item to emerge from the Lanklove data breach involves Ashley Pfeiffers’ New Boyfriend and Lankville Daily News Female Reporter Sarah Samways (also the co-proprietor of S&F Inc., a consulting firm she shares with Dr. Devon Fick). Reached at her island retreat, Samways at first denied the tryst, then broke down and confessed her love for Ashley Pfeiffers’ beau.
The Boyfriend claimed, however, that he only signed up for Lanklove during a drunken “bull session” with his buddies while he and Ms. Pfeiffers were “on a break” last spring, and never followed through on any dates. “I might’ve loggd [sic] on once lol” he texted from Pizza A’Round. Ms. Pfeiffers admitted to feeling “DEVASTATED” and “SO SAD” at the news of her Boyfriend’s indiscretion, but later sent a message to this reporter confirming “WE ARE IN LOVE…” and refused to answer any more questions.
As all of Lankville awaits further revelations from the LLF hack, rumors continue to swirl that CEO Knute Beiderbecke will soon resign. Stay tuned.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Use your new Intermission TV Typewriter to communicate with hot women! Women are lying around, all over Lankville, just waiting for someone to type something on their TV's. It could be you. Available at your neighborhood electronics retailer.
ADVERTISEMENT
Vitiello Decorative Hams "Fall Batch" now available. Home inspection required. Leaves considerably extra. Call East Lankville 3298 or 4151.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
Compliance with subsection: 16.61(2), Lankville statutes.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option on your next job, consider a Chambers Company hand drill. With 3/8" chuck and gun-metal finish, the steel casing of the drill is thick and sturdy for durability and will come in handy for light construction, carpentry and also for DRILLING HOLES IN FENCES TO SEE TITS
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's Barbeque. Waitress needed, someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of questions. Call Hole 9913.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S FRENCH TOAST
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MEAT FRENZY
Call Kelly (male): 5-2614
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
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