Posts Tagged ‘Gee-Temple’

Drunken Reporter Gump Tibbs Arrested on Riding Mower

February 29, 2016 Leave a comment
By Patt Higher-Watts

By Patt Higher-Watts

Lankville Daily News columnist Gump Tibbs was arrested last night, sources are confirming.

Police used a rope to secure the combative 52-year-old Tibbs whose blood-alcohol content was nearly five times the legal limit as he drove a lawn tractor and carried a box of beer along the Deep Eastern Suburban thruway, court documents state.

Tibbs is also being charged with several counts of trespassing after it was reported that he weaved his Neptune Cadet lawn tractor across several nearby lawns.

Police were alerted to Tibbs’ behavior around 11 p.m.

Detective Gee-Temple, who was the first to arrive at the scene, saw Tibbs standing in the road holding a box of beer. “Mr. Tipps [sic] had left the tractor running along the road and was attempting to disengage a beer from the cardboard box.”

Gee-Temple could smell alcohol on Tibbs and observed him stumble as he walked, according to court documents. Tibbs, who had slurred and slow speech, told Gee-Temple he was driving the lawn mower to a friend’s house.

Tibbs in Trouble

Tibbs in Trouble

“He was wearing his customary white suit but it was just splattered with grass stains and beer,” the intrepid detective noted.

Gee-Temple then said that Tibbs became uncooperative and combative, failed to comply with the trooper’s commands, and was taken into custody after two other officers arrived, according to court documents.

“He called me some lewd, offensive names,” said Gee-Temple. “We don’t cater much to that sort of behavior.”

Tibbs had to be carried to the state police cruiser. The tractor was impounded.

Upon leaving the state police station to be transported to the Deep Eastern Suburban Memorial  Jail, Tibbs continued to be aggressive, police said. He indicated that Gee-Temple better watch his back and said, “I am going to bury you.”

Tibbs has been charged with driving while under the influence of alcohol, disorderly conduct, public drunkenness, not having a registration and certificate of title, lewd language and threatening an officer.

The News had not issued a statement as of this morning.


November 5, 2015 Leave a comment
Brian Schropp on Cuisine

Brian Schropp on Cuisine

The cool winds of late Fall could not keep me comfortable in the huge rainbow pizza outfit I have been wearing this week. By mid-afternoon, my body was on the verge of collapse from the constant walking up and down Fairland Ave (with NO lunch break). My face drenched in sweat with the sparkling rainbow makeup (applied before my shift) running down like tears. The interim manager, Ms. Van Palmolive Verracut, would check on me now and again screaming from her car, “you need to be magical!! Let the joy of your heart SING!!!” That was her way of telling me if I didn’t pick up my game there would be a beating with the ‘rainbow stick’ waiting for me back at ‘The Round’. So, the prancing and dancing would hit overdrive causing deep foot blistering not to mention the mental anguish of all my fellow Deep Northern Suburban neighbors seeing me act the fool.

I can now tell you, for a fact, there is nothing more embarrassing than being knocked over by the wind of a speeding vehicle and then having other motorists throw bottles and trash at you while you scramble to get up. The two days have seemed yet again like two years with my limited, Mom-controlled intake of breakfast sandwiches not helping my mental state.

So I was up early this morning, extra early, the rainbow suit got quite dirty yesterday from all the trash-throwing so a deep cleaning was in order. Plus, Ms. Van Palmolive Verracut wanted to apply a new face paint design using some super strong acrylic which would stick to my skin longer but would possibly be more toxic. “Those are the risks, Bri,” she commented.

​Van Palmolive Veeracut- now gone!!!

​Van Palmolive Veeracut- now gone!!!

Then, just like a few weeks ago, as I turned the corner of Lorain and Fairland, I felt the same sense of dread hit me when I saw the yellow police tape again. Everything almost played out like before expect for a few minor details. The policemen inside the front door tripped me up a little when I walked in and one muttered “rainbow pansy” which made the group snicker.

Detective Gee-Temple was still over at the prep station but this time he was building little stacks with the pepperoni. His words were still the same. “Looks like there might be an early shift in your future, Bri.” His arm went up to reveal a new set of invisible stairs. “She’s gone–”

Right on cue I mouthed the last word.

“Yup, seems like a giant bird swooped down the other night snatching Verracut while she was getting into her car. We’ve been having those problems with the big pelicans…” He trailed off strangely, then recovered. “Lloyd Byas-Kirk is out back. he’ll show ya.”

We made the same walk to the back parking lot. Lloyd was of course out there. He was leaning against the railing looking at a dirty, beat-up porn magazine which had been by the dumpsters for a few weeks. Gee-Temple and I were right upon him before he even noticed us.

My fellow reporter squinted up at the sky like he was staring into the sun even though it was a cloudy day. “Folks down the road heard her over their house around 10:30 last night. She was screaming about unicorns and pizzas, her voice got fainter and fainter as the bird took her up and then she was—–gone.”

He then motioned over to her car (which had rainbow and unicorn decals all over it).
The driver’s side door was still open which I guess was the only proof they needed.

“So no one saw the actual bird?” I asked.

Detective Gee-Temple

Detective Gee-Temple

There was an awkward silence before Gee-Temple spoke. “Giant birds come down from the Northern Hills every once in awhile and swoop people up. It’s a shame but it happens.”
“Plus the folks down the street heard her screaming OVER the house,” Lloyd chimed in looking at me like I was the biggest idiot in the world.

“What happened to her bodyguard?”

The Detective pointed into the woods. “Footprints leading into there are more than likely his. Probably became so distraught he ran into the woods, you hear that happening when people witness a giant bird snatching another person, it just happens. Probably get eaten by hill people if he wanders too far in like that other fella.”
Officially, no one really knows what happened to the other interim manager, Davis ‘Bud’ Huggins, since a search party never went after him.

So now I sit here in the office using my portable teletype wondering if we will open ‘The Pizza A-Round’ today. I can see through the office window ‘Big’ James and Charlie ‘The Nugget Guy’ making their way across the parking lot. I guess word is spreading quickly about an absent manager and they are coming to clock in. I have no doubt the others will be here soon and we will give it a go!! As always I will keep you updated!!-Bri

Police Station Number Changes Nearly Finished

September 16, 2015 Leave a comment
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk

By Lloyd Byas-Kirk


Several police stations in Lankville are getting new numbers.

The changes are the result of a committee formed by Detective Gee-Temple and the Bureau of Probes who decided that nine stations should be numbered consecutively. Heretofore, because many stations had been eliminated, there was a number 54 station (Snowy Lake Area) and a number 55 station (Northern Hole Area) but no stations numbered 8-53.

“We felt this was very confusing,” noted Gee-Temple, who said the committee met over 20 times to decide on the new numbering system. “So, now the stations will just be numbered 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and so on.”

“We had some other ideas, including ditching the numerical system altogether and naming the stations after famous politicians, mall designers, and [decorative ham magnate] Chris Vitiello but in the end we just went back to consecutive numbers,” Gee-Temple added.

Former Station 115 (Western Cave District), now to become Station 9 or Station 2, according to conflicting reports.

Former Station 115 (Western Cave District), now to become Station 9 or Station 2, according to conflicting reports.

Under the new setup, Station 54 becomes Station 7, Station 55 becomes Station 3, and Station 82 (Pyramid Area) becomes Station 6. Other stations will remain the same.

Contractors have been working on the changes for several months.

“Gotta’ big sign there with a number on it and we gotta’ nail it in above the door,” noted Cloff Joffrey, a local contractor. “Big job, Lloyd. Big job.”

Joffrey became distracted by a lewd pamphlet and the interview ended prematurely.

Gee-Temple noted that several officers are still using the old station numbers which has resulted in some confusion.

“We apologize for the complete lack of police response recently. Understand that this is a process. It will be over as soon as they get those signs up,” the intrepid Detective said.

Challenge Ring Busted Top Cop Says

May 27, 2015 Leave a comment
Buck Igloos

Buck Igloos


A massive Southern Outlands challenge ring was busted this morning according to Lankville top cop Houston Gee-Temple.

“We had a young man and woman, operating out of a modest rancher surrounded by hedges,” the intrepid lawman noted at a press conference held on the lawn of the home. “We believe that they were the masterminds behind most of the challenges in the Southern and Southeastern Outlands. We have boarded up the home and will be knocking down some of the hedges by the end of the day.”

Challenge Ring

Byrnes and Savers are led away.

An aide whispered something briefly to Gee-Temple at which time the detective amended, “we will not be knocking down the hedges, excuse me.”

The individuals taken into custody are believed to be Lance Byrnes and Diane Savers, both 18, of the Outlands.

“I knew Lance. He was an Honor Roll Student and a junior member of the Koala Bears and Walnuts Club,” Gee-Temple commented. “We believe that this Savers woman was the instigator– a willing wanton, a sordid she-wolf, if you will. She was a girl who was willing to do anything to get what she wanted. What we have here really is the provocative story of a naive young man caught up in a whirlpool of thunder, a hurricane of lust. It’s terrible when that happens to nice boys like Lance.”

The pair may be responsible for as many as 200 challenges dating back to 2011.

“[Diane] began her challenge spree confidently but it all came crashing down this morning when we knocked politely at her door and took her off to a place where she can no longer control the world by pulling her curves over its spherical surface,” Gee-Temple stated.

“That place is jail,” the detective added after a long silence.

Bail has been set at $50,000 (Lankville).

Lankville Crime Log

January 13, 2015 Leave a comment
Gee-Temple:  "I took some of the wings out of the bassinet."

By Detective Houston Gee-Temple


Lankville police are investigating the theft of power tools, a portable generator, a circular saw, a tubing bender and many balloons from a property in the Eastern Woodlands.


Lankville police investigated an incident that occurred last night along Route 26 in the Southern Basin Area. Keera Shawn, 24, allegedly grabbed Alexxis K. Bombers while she was sitting in a booth at Suddenly Mama Pizza!  Ms. Shawn then pulled Ms. Bombers out of the booth by her hair and onto the floor. Ms. Shawn then dropped some piping hot fries on Ms. Bombers’ back. The fries had gravy on them.

Ms. Shawn was taken to the Southern Basin Specific Hospital.

Later in the evening, Ms. Holly Leaf, 26 was accused of punching an unidentified female, 21, in the face and then eliciting a challenge. The challenge was stopped by some local residents. Ms. Leaf is currently in custody.


There were 449 other reported challenges in Lankville last night, resulting in 452 deaths.


Ms. Katrina Snyder-Importants was driving northbound on Lankville State Highway 14 when a deer crossed the road. The deer jumped and was struck by the windshield. The deer carcass was immediately shredded in half and the shredded part came through the windshield causing the car to fill up with blood and gore. Ms. Snyder-Importants lost control of the vehicle and drove it into a nearby sportswear shop. The shredded deer carcass was thrown into a display rack of athletic socks.

Damage is estimated at $20,000.


The old man who was "grilled".

The old man who was “grilled”.

Someone dumped syrup on a 2002 Neptune Fulfillment and then covered the vehicle in toilet paper in the Northern Hole Area. A hotline has been opened for anyone with information– call Lankville Police Area, 5-2688.


It is reported that the old man sitting alone outside by a grill was not engaging in any criminal acts. The incident which occurred yesterday and prompted over 200 calls to police headquarters, was investigated by the author. The man, Mr. Stanley Provider, 72, was watched for over 4 hours from a nearby bush but engaged in nothing criminal. Nevertheless, he was detained and questioned overnight. Frankly, we’re not sure what happened to him. Some officers thought he was let out, others didn’t remember letting him out. So, he’s gone. You can call that number above if you have information.

BREAKING: Area Girls Just Ganking The Holy Hell Out of This Guy

December 16, 2014 Leave a comment
By Brock Belvedere

By Brock Belvedere


A group of area girls are just ganking the holy hell out of this guy, sources are now confirming.

“They encountered the victim early this morning in the parking lot of a Soft Carpet Locus store,” said Detective Gee-Temple, who was the first to respond to the scene. “And they are just ganking the holy hell out of the poor guy.”

The area girls that are getting all up into everybody's shit.

The area girls that are ganking the holy hell out of this guy.

The girls are believed to be the same band that got up in everybody’s shit in late October.

The victim, who is unidentified, will be treated at Eastern Defoliated Area General Hospital following the cessation of the ganking. The extent of his injuries are currently unknown.

“The girls are doing a thorough job on the poor guy,” noted Gee-Temple. “You’re going to see all the injuries associated with a hardcore ganking.”

Politicians, law enforcement officials and church people are already calling for measures to stop the rash of teenage getting up in people’s shit and holy hell ganking that has plagued Lankville for the last few months.

“It needs to stop now,” said President Pondicherry, who plans to address the nation later this afternoon. “People should feel safe walking our streets or shopping for soft carpets. It’s bad for business, bad for our community.”

Vicious Behind Slap Rocks Lankville

December 10, 2014 1 comment
By Brock Belvedere

By Brock Belvedere


A vicious behind slap has rocked Lankville.

Space video of the vicious behind slapping.

Space video of the vicious behind slapping.

The slap occurred this morning in the kitchen of Ms. Sandy Pfotts, 29, of the Lankville Outer Suburban Region. Ms. Pfotts is currently being treated at Eastern Defoliated Area General Hospital.

Despite an immediate police dragnet thrown over the area, the slapper is currently at large.

“We are in the process of distributing some surveillance photos we have of the assailant,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who was the first to respond to the scene. “Wisely, Ms. Potts [sic] had purchased a home security system which takes constant images of every room in her house and sends them to space, I think. We downloaded the images from space.”

Gee-Temple became confused and briefly conferred with a deputy.

“Yes, the images did come from space.”

Ms. Pfotts is expected to fully recover.

“I was just cooking a morning chuck in the oven and I bent over to see if it was fall-apart tender,” noted Ms. Pfotts, who was interviewed en route to the hospital. “This man must have passed quietly into the kitchen and…well, you’ve seen the video from space. You know how it happened.”

“We’ll get him,” Gee-Temple added later. “He’s done this before and he’ll do it again. It won’t be long.”

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