Posts Tagged ‘Buck Igloos’

Short Stories Based on Small Objects

March 29, 2017 Leave a comment

By Buck Igloos

We was outside in back of the house. It was summer.

Danny was throwing away some stuff and what was in the box was a series of four cheesecake glasses. You poured your drink in there and the gals– well, their tops came off. I couldn’t believe Danny wanted to get rid of something like that. So, I spoke up.13041275_1197803680240752_4026416246387457056_o

“Let me have them glasses, Danny,” I said.

Danny looked them over very slowly as though he were trying to find some mysterious and hidden meaning in them. A plane went over.

“Pretty girls,” he said.

I agreed. I was starting to sweat. I could hear a car start out front. Then footsteps around the side. It was Pappy.

“Let’s go, boy,” he said. Danny didn’t say nothing.

That was the last I ever saw of them glasses.

Further “Short Stories Based on Small Objects” will appear in future issues.

Cake in Process of Being Consumed

July 26, 2016 Leave a comment
A Buck Igloos Health Watch

By Buck Igloos


A cake is in the process of being consumed, sources are reporting.

“We had a catered lunch,” said Lowinger Brothers Utility Shed CEO Aaron Lowinger of the Lankville Port Area. “And we’re taking this cake and pumping it up like a god damn pyramid is the nature of what’s going on here.”

Lowinger provided no further explanation.

The cake when it was only half-eaten and prior to Totten's death.

The cake when it was only half-eaten and prior to Totten’s death.

“I would say the cake is almost half-eaten,” said longtime employee Willie Totten who also contributed to the consumption of the sugary loaf. “About twenty minutes ago, there was more of the cake but as time has moved forward, we are now facing a situation where there is less of the cake.”

“That’s generally the linear path that one follows whenever a cake is presented,” Totten added.

The employee suddenly vomited into a strange opaque grayness that appeared. When the weird phantom-like mist became thicker and threatened to overtake Mr. Totten, he ended the interview abruptly and made an attempt to run out the conference room door before disappearing into the expanding shroud, screaming and shrieking for the help that never came.

“It’s terrible about Willie,” Lowinger commented later. “We’re down to about 1/4 of the cake left now.”

The Lowinger Brothers Utility Shed Company has been providing Lankville with quality utility sheds at affordable prices since 1982.

STUDY: Bumpkins Like Trampolines

March 7, 2016 Leave a comment
Buck Igloos

Buck Igloos


A study today revealed that bumpkins like trampolines.

Lankville Southern Easier University professor Greeve Tinders, who led the study, said that 89% of bumpkins queried admitted to owning a trampoline or “utilizing one frequently”.trampolines

“The study merely confirms what we had thought,” noted Tinders. “You can drive through the hills and observe the preponderance of trampolines and trampoline stores. They really like them.”

Researchers interviewed 325 bumpkins ranging in age from 13 to 75 about trampolines. The subjects were from an unnamed hill area in Northwestern Lankville. A series of trampoline lifestyle questions were asked as well.

“It appears that many bumpkins feel the trampoline to be a necessity. Some bumpkins admitted to owning two or three,” said Tinders.

“Many indicated that they liked having a trampoline for both the front and back yards,” Tinders added after a long pause.

Detailed results will be published in several easier-level academic journals.

Identity of Youth Mystifies Police

February 3, 2016 Leave a comment
Buck Igloos

By Buck Igloos


There is a boy in the Southern Pond Area jail who is proving very much of a conundrum.

The boy, who was arrested on January 15th in the act of distributing lewd pamphlets, has confounded area and national police.

“We have been unable to find out exactly who he is,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who was called to the scene. “He first gave his name as George Peterson and then later as Tom Barrasso, Jr. and still later as Floyd Tettleton. At first, he said he came from the Islands but now he’s saying that he comes from the Hills. He has, at various times, said the Eastern and Western Hills.”

The boy is about 15 years of age, stands 5 feet 2 inches and weighs 375 pounds.

A series of lewd pamphlets recently seized by Lankville police.

A series of lewd pamphlets recently seized by Lankville police.

“He’s pretty wide,” Gee-Temple added. “He’s probably wider than he is tall, if you can imagine.”

The boy stated at first that he had never gone to school but then later said that he had completed two years at a Hill School. He said he had left the Hills two years ago, had been on a boat at one time and arrived in the Southern Pond Area some time last summer. He could not remember the names of his parents or any relatives.

“Hill people sometimes don’t have names,” Gee-Temple noted. “They are a mean people, bound to the soil.”

The boy would not elaborate on how he had taken up the vocation of lewd pamphleteer. “It was a pamphlet catering to behinds,” Gee-Temple stated. “As in, rumps,” the intrepid detective averred.

The distribution of lewd pamphlets carries an automatic sentence of 60 years in the Southern Pond Area.

“I suppose there’s a chance that the boy could serve less time due to being underage,” said Gee-Temple.  “He could also, of course, be sent to a retarded home. We’ll just have to see how it plays out.”

I, Onanist: The Literary Feast of Brian Stig-Units

October 30, 2015 Leave a comment
Buck Igloos

Buck Igloos

The Lankville literary world has been abuzz following the announcement yesterday that a new collection of famed Southern Edge Tips writer Brian Stig-Units will be released next Friday.

I, Onanist will be released in hardcover, paperback and in an electronic edition for Reckoner users.

Stig-Units (1875-1932) remains one of Lankville’s seminal writers of the “Restrained Decadence Movement” of the early 20th century. His seven novels and 26 plays won him endless accolades and he was named a “TITAN OF LITERATURE” shortly before his tragic beheading in 1932.


Brian Stig-Units, 1898

But I, Onanist promises a side of Stig-Units that Lankville has never seen before.

“He was a real onanist, big-time,” said Lankville State Easier University professor Dr. Bernard Varrone, Jr. “It embarrassed his family terribly. He personally suppressed this collection because his wife apparently cried a lot and this disturbed Stig-Units. He was terribly uncomfortable around crying.”

But with the death of Mary Stig-Units last year, I, Onanist can finally see the light of day.

“The collection clocks in at 379 pages,” noted Varrone, Jr., over a lunch of cold tilapia and some sort of orange, tubular snack food. “That’s over 60 separate stories about Stig-Units’ onanistic activities spanning his entire career. It’s an absolutely seminal collection, most important release of the year.”

Indeed, Varrone, Jr. himself spent six years editing the volume.

“When you get the chance to work closely with the words of a master, well, you don’t piss that away.”

Varrone, Jr. later apologized for his atrocious language.

I, Onanist by Brian Stig-Units
Release Date: November 6, 2015
Hardcover: $29.99, Paperback, $19.99, Reckoner Version, $14.99

Famed “Pizza Disturbance” Closes After 61 Years

August 19, 2015 Leave a comment
A Buck Igloos Health Watch

Buck Igloos


The “Pizza Disturbance”, a famed Eastern Pines restaurant, has closed after 61 years.

“We were a beacon for pizza enthusiasts,” noted manager Crease Sandborn, who inherited the business from his father. “But now that run is over. It’s time to prepare. To prepare for death.”

Calls to the old phone number went directly to a recording thanking its loyal customers and also admitting to several murders.

The property, which featured a carry-out window, a sit-down bar, and balloons, has been sold to Sensational Mons Entertainments, a developer and amusement park concern.

“I can confirm the purchase of the property that formerly housed The Pizza Disturbance,” said Sensational Mons representative Al Heffler. “But I have absolutely nothing further to add to your story. Eventually, a placard will be put up. But you’ll have to wait.”

The site of

The site of “The Pizza Disturbance” before Brian Schropp set it on fire.

Sandborn, now 82, is planning a move to the Islands.

“The Islands seems like a good place to die,” he stated.

A small gathering of pizza enthusiasts assembled at the location in the Eastern Pines Business District to mourn.

“I loved the Pizza Disturbance,” noted Lankville Daily News cuisine writer Brian Schropp. “Mr. Sandborn said that I was the goofiest-looking person he had ever seen before shoving slices at me on a grease-soaked paper plate. So, there was that old world charm that you don’t really get at the modern places.”

Schropp lit a candle in memory. The building immediately went up in flames.

“Oh…um…guys,” Schropp was heard to say before darting off into the woods.

Officials put out the fire shortly thereafter. The building was burned to the ground.

Calls to Sensational Mons Entertainments were not returned.

Cleanliness Questioned at Area Barlow Foods Store

August 7, 2015 Leave a comment
A Buck Igloos Health Watch

Buck Igloos


Cleanliness has been questioned at an area Barlow Foods store after several untoward photographs were posted online.

A view of the freezer in question.

A view of the freezer in question.

The photographs, which appear to depict the remnants of some sort of pink frozen explosion in one of the freezers, has gone viral.

“It’s absolutely disgusting. I’m never shopping there again,” said former customer Gene (female) Cabinets. “I couldn’t believe it when I saw those images. The explosion is not even in the frozen desert freezer. It’s in the fry freezer. There’s no such thing as pink fries. So, how did it get there? It makes no sense.”

Many other customers have voiced the same concerns.

Barlow Foods head office was moving quickly this morning to explain the shameless act. CEO John Barlow himself addressed the media.

“The individuals responsible for this ghastly negligence have been terminated. The freezer has been emptied and cleaned. We will be moving forward and we hope that you will move forward with us.”

A detailed view of the frozen pink explosion.

A detailed view of the frozen pink explosion.

“Move forward with Barlow Foods,” Barlow added. “A rolling army cannot be stopped by a mere pebble.”

Barlow suddenly left the lectern and his last sentence was never explained.

The store in question, the Southern White Pines location, was closed as of press time. A sign on the door read, “REPHASING PROCESS. CALL AGAIN”. Calls were not answered.

The Lankville National Archives: A Magical Discovery of Our Shared Heritage

July 3, 2015 Leave a comment
Buck Igloos

Buck Igloos

A trip to the Lankville National Archives in the Southeastern Savannah Area is a magical discovery of our shared heritage. No Lankvillian should pass up the opportunity for a visit.

Curator Steve Pilgrims. Pilgrims gave us this weird expression for reasons unclear.

Curator Steve Pilgrims. Pilgrims gave us this weird untoward expression for reasons unclear.

Located in a series of strange tubular-shaped buildings directly in the middle of the savannah and accessed via a long, poorly-maintained highway, the Archives are Lankville’s repository for anything and everything of historical, cultural, and social importance. “Everybody sends everything here,” noted Director Steve Pilgrims, head of the vast collection since 1998. “We’ve had to kind of start refusing things– people were just sort of sending whatever they felt like– animals, trash, it was getting kind of ridiculous.”

Pilgrims led us into a vast gallery where the current exhibit, “The Lost Vernacular Signage of Lankville” is housed.

“You might look at these gaudy little fliers and think, “What the heck, Steve?” This is just a bunch of junk,” noted Pilgrims. ” But these fliers and handbills say a lot about social concerns through the years, about what individuals felt was worth advertising, worth announcing to their communities. It’s been very, very well-received.”

The infamous

The infamous “This Bitch Has a Green Patina” flier. Origin unknown.

Perhaps most prominent on the eastern wall of the exhibit is a collection of the infamous “This Bitch Has a Green Patina” leaflet that appeared all over Lankville for many years. “It’s a curious case- we have no idea if the bitch was lost, if someone was looking for him, what the deal was,” said Pilgrims, who paused briefly to examine a patron who had hanged himself in a distant corner. “Calls to the phone number in question reveal nothing– as a matter of fact, that’s not even a proper [Lankville] phone number,” Pilgrims added.

“I Have a Cabinet” mini-magazine. Origin unknown.

A collection of curious pamphlets sit on a table in the middle of the room, covered by glass. “These were collected from bus stations, basement cultural presentations, small motel girl wrestling events. Sort of the detritus left behind,” noted Pilgrims. “Again, the origins of just about all of these are unclear. Nobody has stepped forward to claim them.”

The crown jewel of the exhibit however, are the “apeshit coupons”. Thousands of them, in all sizes and colors– found all over Lankville.

“You’d buy, say, a delicious icey cold slushy drink and you’d get to the bottom of the drink and there would be an apeshit coupon,” said Pilgrims. “And the guy that sold you the delicious icey cold slushy drink would be as flummoxed as you– no idea how it got there. Calls to the cup manufacturer would reveal the same information. Or you’d buy a new book and you’d get to page 131 and BAM- there would be another apeshit coupon. It was a complete mystery- never solved.”

“They’re still out there,” Pilgrims added. “People still find them occasionally. Gee-Temple, The Bureau of Probes– they’ve come up with nothing.


One of the infamous “apeshit coupons”.

“The Lost Vernacular Signage of Lankville” runs through August 28, 2015. “It will really be your last chance to see this material for quite awhile,” stressed Pilgrims. “In particular, the “apeshit coupons” will be returned to The Bureau of Probes and some of the mysterious pamphlets will be placed into folders which will be filed by these gigantic robotic arms we have that never seem to file anything correctly which leads to us thinking that a lot of material has been lost.”

“Something we’re definitely working on,” Pilgrims stated after a long and somewhat eerie silence.

Tickets for the exhibit are $10 (free for some babies).

Meet the Reporters of The Lankville Daily News

June 23, 2015 Leave a comment
Buck Igloos

By Buck Igloos

The first job I had was writing copy for hotel pamphlets. The guy that gave it to me– he said, “Now look, Igloos. I’m giving you a real shot here. Don’t blow it.” So, I went home and just about stayed up all night. Nothing was working– I’d put something down on the page and then just as soon I’d tear it up. I must have filled about five wastebins with crumpled paper. My lover at the time, she said, “I’m getting tired of emptying this wastebin, Buck. Whyn’t you come to bed?” She was a lovely girl– gorgeous hair. My God, I was crazy about her.

Anyway, it must’ve been about 6 A.M. and I was due in in an hour. And then finally it came: “offering its guests convenience and quiet relaxation in a quaint setting”. I jumped in the air. I had nailed it and I knew it. Then, as if it came from above, I wrote, “only six miles from Lankville’s capital.” I couldn’t believe it.

The boss, he read the paper a couple of times over while he sat on the side of his desk smoking a cigarette. Eventually, he looked up.

“You wrote this, Igloos?”

I was really sweating. Didn’t help that I had an all-brown suit on that wasn’t breathing for shit.

The boss cleared his throat. “It’ll do,” he said.

I got the hell out of there. But later, at lunch, some of the fellows keyed me in.

“Yeah, the boss couldn’t believe your work, Igloos,” a guy named Jimmy told me. I’ll never forget him because he died later. “The boss was telling his secretary– this Igloos– he’s good. He’s real good” and then he phoned up the regional manager and told him he was putting you on all the quaint hotel accounts.” Jimmy slapped me on the back and I coughed up a bit of porridge. But I didn’t care– I had made it. It was going to be all uphill from there.

And it has been. I’ve been lucky. Married a lovely girl- not the same girl but another lovely girl with lovely hair. Cries a lot but what can you do?

Buck Igloos has been a feature reporter for The Lankville Daily News since 1993.

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