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The Lankville National Archives: A Magical Discovery of Our Shared Heritage

Buck Igloos

Buck Igloos

A trip to the Lankville National Archives in the Southeastern Savannah Area is a magical discovery of our shared heritage. No Lankvillian should pass up the opportunity for a visit.

Curator Steve Pilgrims. Pilgrims gave us this weird expression for reasons unclear.

Curator Steve Pilgrims. Pilgrims gave us this weird untoward expression for reasons unclear.

Located in a series of strange tubular-shaped buildings directly in the middle of the savannah and accessed via a long, poorly-maintained highway, the Archives are Lankville’s repository for anything and everything of historical, cultural, and social importance. “Everybody sends everything here,” noted Director Steve Pilgrims, head of the vast collection since 1998. “We’ve had to kind of start refusing things– people were just sort of sending whatever they felt like– animals, trash, it was getting kind of ridiculous.”

Pilgrims led us into a vast gallery where the current exhibit, “The Lost Vernacular Signage of Lankville” is housed.

“You might look at these gaudy little fliers and think, “What the heck, Steve?” This is just a bunch of junk,” noted Pilgrims. ” But these fliers and handbills say a lot about social concerns through the years, about what individuals felt was worth advertising, worth announcing to their communities. It’s been very, very well-received.”

The infamous

The infamous “This Bitch Has a Green Patina” flier. Origin unknown.

Perhaps most prominent on the eastern wall of the exhibit is a collection of the infamous “This Bitch Has a Green Patina” leaflet that appeared all over Lankville for many years. “It’s a curious case- we have no idea if the bitch was lost, if someone was looking for him, what the deal was,” said Pilgrims, who paused briefly to examine a patron who had hanged himself in a distant corner. “Calls to the phone number in question reveal nothing– as a matter of fact, that’s not even a proper [Lankville] phone number,” Pilgrims added.

“I Have a Cabinet” mini-magazine. Origin unknown.

A collection of curious pamphlets sit on a table in the middle of the room, covered by glass. “These were collected from bus stations, basement cultural presentations, small motel girl wrestling events. Sort of the detritus left behind,” noted Pilgrims. “Again, the origins of just about all of these are unclear. Nobody has stepped forward to claim them.”

The crown jewel of the exhibit however, are the “apeshit coupons”. Thousands of them, in all sizes and colors– found all over Lankville.

“You’d buy, say, a delicious icey cold slushy drink and you’d get to the bottom of the drink and there would be an apeshit coupon,” said Pilgrims. “And the guy that sold you the delicious icey cold slushy drink would be as flummoxed as you– no idea how it got there. Calls to the cup manufacturer would reveal the same information. Or you’d buy a new book and you’d get to page 131 and BAM- there would be another apeshit coupon. It was a complete mystery- never solved.”

“They’re still out there,” Pilgrims added. “People still find them occasionally. Gee-Temple, The Bureau of Probes– they’ve come up with nothing.


One of the infamous “apeshit coupons”.

“The Lost Vernacular Signage of Lankville” runs through August 28, 2015. “It will really be your last chance to see this material for quite awhile,” stressed Pilgrims. “In particular, the “apeshit coupons” will be returned to The Bureau of Probes and some of the mysterious pamphlets will be placed into folders which will be filed by these gigantic robotic arms we have that never seem to file anything correctly which leads to us thinking that a lot of material has been lost.”

“Something we’re definitely working on,” Pilgrims stated after a long and somewhat eerie silence.

Tickets for the exhibit are $10 (free for some babies).

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