Home > Zach Keebaugh Investigations > Is Mall Nut Kiosk Cursed? A Zach Keebaugh Investigation

Is Mall Nut Kiosk Cursed? A Zach Keebaugh Investigation

Zachary Keebaugh

Zachary Keebaugh

If you’re like a lot of people, you probably like to swing by Nuts, Ah!, when you’re hanging around Twin Removed Pines Mall. And why not? With over fifty thousand different varieties of nutmeat in one easy to access location by the fountains, it’s a no-brainer. Question is– is Nuts Ah! cursed? I aimed to find out. I am Zach Keebaugh, Investigative Reporter.

I met up with Marty Barrett, who founded the kiosk in 2007. Barrett was kind enough to bring me a little paper cone full of nuts but I wasn’t gonna’ let that influence me. I pushed the cone aside.

“Yo, people say your nut stand is built on cursed land, man? What’s up with that shit?” I asked.

“It’s untrue Zach. Nothing paranormal has ever occurred here and ever will,” he responded.

“I wouldn’t make that claim. The portals of hell could open up tomorrow and then where would you and your little nut stand be?”

Barrett sighed.

“I personally guarantee that Nuts Ah! is not cursed. The rumors are unfounded.”

Associate Nut Handler Sheila Tallinder has a different story.

Nuts Ah! was the sight of a lot of vomiting and punching last night.

Nuts Ah!  Cursed?

“We’ll just be standing around or helping a customer and the next you know, there are some cryptic tablets. They just appear out of nowhere.”

“What do these tablets say?” I probed.

“They’re in a language that none of us can understand and they have these weird symbols on the back. A professor came by one time. He needed some nuts for his car. Anyway, we showed him and he told us they were something called “The Demonic Triads”.

“Yo, that’s some heavy shit. And this Marty Barrett guy doesn’t do anything about it?”

“Nothing. He takes the tablets out of the kiosk and gets rid of them somewhere.” She began crying and I put my arm around her. Then, I went and got her a big cookie, poor kid. The cookie was really soft and it kind of folded over on itself and fell into the fountain so it didn’t work out. It was kind of tough shit.

The Lankville Daily News then set up a surveillance camera to try to catch Barrett disposing of the demonic tablets. Unfortunately, a strange grey mist appeared when the embattled owner was in the kiosk only to disappear once he left the premises. We began to suspect that Barrett was the cause of the curse.

I probed further.

“Yo, what about that grey mist, man? And the tablets? You chucking them somewhere?”

“There are no tablets, Zach. I’m telling you- it’s just an ordinary nut kiosk.”

“That all you got to say?”

“That’s all.”

We stared each other down for a good fifteen minutes. I chugged the cone of nuts but kept my eye on him. He didn’t blink.

“What kind of necromancy are you practicing here, nut man?”

Barrett ended the interview.

I got my answer though.

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