The Lankville Daily News

Zach Keebaugh

Yo, any half-bred dipshit realizes that safety and health hazards can exist on worksites filled with heavy machinery, guns and equipment– where employees often are required to engage in strenuous manual labor. A dude would have to be walking around in a snow globe of shit flurries not to grab the cake on that one.

But what about a job where most of the work tasks are completed while sitting in a chair in a climate-controlled office building? Seems less fraught with danger, right? However, I’ve seen it asserted that a surprising number of hazards are present in an office setting. I aimed to find out the truth on that. I am Zach Keebaugh– Investigative Reporter.

First, I went down to the library (the one I was going to had been bulldozed and replaced by a mall, so I huffed another 15 miles to the next one) and checked out the stats. According to data from the Lankville Bureau of Labor Mutilations, 19,480,410 private-industry office and administrative workers suffered on-the-job injuries in 2014. Many of these injuries could have been prevented had workers or supervisors recognized the risks and implemented simple workplace modifications to help mitigate them. I had my lead.

So next, I huffed it down to the National Pondicherry Safety Council and met up with Dr. Jeenie Paquette. Jeenie and I got along right off the bat and, I’ll admit, I was pushing pretty hard to the net. But then I got down to business with the good doctor.

“So WHAT THE FUCK, doc. How can we get rid of all these hazards and raise employee awareness?

“Well, Zach, I’ve split up common office safety problems into a series of three categories.”

“You can do whatever you want, mama,” I purred.

“Right…well, Zach, the first major category are “office falls.”

Dr. Paquette says that last year alone, Lankville office works fell 3,987,412 times.

“The best thing to do is stay clutter-free. Keep boxes, buckets, wagons, papers, etc. out of the way and maintain a clear line of vision throughout the office. And if you have to reach up, use a safety step stool. We see all kinds of office workers trying to cut corners by stacking chairs together or ripping out the divider stalls in the bathroom and using them as ladders. That’s a no-no. Every office should have at least one working step stool.”

“What about just taking a full garbage can and stepping in that?” I probed. “Now, what the hell can be wrong with that?”

“No, Zach. Garbage tends to collapse when you step on it.”

Don’t end up like these King Hill fuckheads. Make your office safe, yo!

“I didn’t know that. You’re good.” I flashed her some pearlies. “What’s next, doc?”

Turns out, the next most common office mishap is getting struck by an object or beheaded. According to the digits, Lankville office workers were struck 5,277,314 times in 2014 and 7854 Lankvillians were beheaded.

“You want to avoid objects swinging from the ceiling, especially decorative seasonal objects,” Paquette asserted. We had an office recently that hung actual 30-pound pumpkins from the drop ceiling. A lot of people were killed.”

“Sounds like a bunch of assholes. Hanging pumpkins from a drop ceiling. That shit’s bush league, man. What else you got? We’re not even gonna’ go into stupid-ass activities like hanging pumpkins from a drop ceiling. Those fuckers are on their own.”

“Well, Zach, our final category is perhaps the most common but the most problematic to address. It’s ergonomic injuries.”

“You talking about those funny chairs that the foreign guys come around selling?”

She seemed confused. “Well, they sell them everywhere, Zach. But ergonomics are not just about chairs. They’re also about keyboard and mouse placement, workstation deficiencies, even the way people sit or put their feet on the floor.”

Dr. Paquette also noted that workstations should be adjustable. “We all have different bodies, Zach. Adjustable means able to accommodate the widest range of employees possible.”

“Fat people?” I probed.

“A…variety of options should be available,” Dr. Paquette responded.

So, BOOM, DELIVERED. A good bunch of options on how to improve workplace safety and put an end to all these injuries and deaths over the last few years. By the way, after the big mouth-party of this interview was over with, Dr. Paquette and I walked down to a Meyer Plantain Hut and wolfed some of those fucked-up banana-looking things.

It was alright.

Zach Keebaugh

Scenario: you’re out watering your backyard garden. The sun starts to beat down. That ribbed, poly/cotton blend tank is starting to feel like an oven, you’re thirsty, irritable, maybe even angry. And right in front of you, man– cool water flowing out of your hose like some sort of heavenly mountain stream. It’s right there for the taking. Why not stoop down and make it yours? Pump that shit into your mouth and quench that insatiable thirst? Yo, why the hell shouldn’t you, man?

Because many experts are now saying that it is unsafe to drink from a garden hose, that’s why. They say that hoses can be made of dangerous chemicals like lead and some weird-ass chlorides that can fuck you up eight ways to Sunday. You could end up sterile, impotent, unable to talk much or even dead.

But is it true? I aimed to find out. I am Zach Keebaugh: Investigative Reporter.

First, I spoke to Lankville Tubing Safety Department official Les Tights.

“Yo, man. I drink from hoses all the time. What’s up?”

Looks nice but what the hell? Is it safe?

“Well, Zach, lead from the hoses can often leach into the water supply, causing all sorts of problems with birth defects, dying, sterility, impotence and general sexual disinterest. And while notice of this is now required on all packaging for commercial hoses, we all know that generally people tear off the packaging quickly, as they, of course, are quite excited about owning a new hose. Our research indicates that most packaging doesn’t even make it home. Most people tear it straight off in their cars, sometimes even immediately after purchasing while they’re still in line at the hardware store. So, basically, the warnings don’t get read.”

“Sure, sure. But let’s get back to the meat here, man. You telling me that a guy drinks from a hose and then, BAM, the next morning he ain’t pitching tent?”

Tights grew confused. I grew skeptical.

So, I visited a couple of hose salesmen. First off, the traditional ol’ green standby at my local Home Dump. Just as Tights mentioned, I saw the tiny warning label on the packaging. I questioned an employee who asked to remain anonymous (we’ll call her Gail Throneberry). Turns out Gail and I hit it off pretty good. She invited me out back of the Home Dump to watch her drink some beers.

“Hey Gail- man, what about these hoses?” I probed.

“Oh, right. Listen baby, these expand, like out to certain distances. I forget. Shit.” She took another pull on the beer. I had a soda that Gail pinched for me from the employee freezer.

“Are they safe?”

“What? Sure, sure. These…we got medium duty and heavy duty, you know, according to expected use. What do you expect to use these for, Zach, baby? You got yourself some seeds baby? Want Mama to water ’em for you?”

Traditional hose salesman Gail Throneberry.

Throneberry collapsed into some empty cardboard boxes. But I had my answer.

Next, I consulted with organic hose dealer Ray Sunshine, who operated a garden supply center near Pineapple City. He showed me all the different lead-free hose options.

“All of our hoses meet LSF standards, are lead-free, recycled and resist kinking. These are the best hoses you can buy in Lankville, Zach.”

“But are they safe?” I probed.

“Absolutely. We stand behind them.”

“Let me give you a scenario, Ray. I’m watering a bunch of bullshit in the backyard. I start to get hot and sweaty. I take my shirt off but I’m still hot. I’m getting sunburned. I feel like hell. I’m hungry. I’m depressed. Maybe a little bit horny. Feel like a drink of water might help. I’m looking at the water coming out of one of your organic hoses. So, yo, man! Can I drink that water?”

“Absolutely. You can feel 100% safe in drinking water from our hoses.”

I was convinced. Even picked up two hoses despite the fact that I got no backyard and live in a shitbox of an apartment above the knives and puzzles shop.

So, here’s your conclusion readers. Pick up a hose with LDA-approved materials and that are clearly labeled “drink safe”. Make sure you read the label before you buy (I know, I know, everyone gets excited as all shit over a new hose but be patient). Taking that little extra time could ultimately safe your life.

Or, here’s another option. Drink from the god damn sink, yo. Don’t be a baboon.

This has been a Zach Keebaugh Investigative Report

Zachary Keebaugh

You don’t need to save somebody’s life to be a hero. Maybe you just save their day.

Consider the inevitable flat tire.

Whether you’re traveling to school, work, or that weird summer camp your Mom sent you to that served nothing but unflavored macaroni and then told your Mom that you were a liar when you spilled the beans, it’s bound to happen eventually. That makes knowing how to change a tire– either your own or one belonging to an attractive female in need– an essential life skill.

But is it safe?

I aimed to find out. I am Zach Keebaugh: Investigative Reporter.

Bot Woolston has been changing tires on the Western Lankville Plains for 30 years. He claims that changing a tire is perfectly safe.

“You just need to make sure you chock the tire that is directly opposite the flat tire by putting some bricks or logs or some heavy object in front of it.”

“Yo, what’s chock mean?” I probed.

There’s really no need to put out a fucking triangle like this asshole but you should still use caution when changing a tire.

“It’s mechanic-talk for stabilize. This is the main thing that people forget and is responsible for all those deaths that everyone’s all up in arms about.”

“Man, who the hell carries bricks or logs around in their car? You’re not fooling anybody, old man.”

“Changing a tire is so simple, Zach. There is absolutely no need why anyone, even children, should not know how to do it.”

“Let’s switch gears,” I proffered. “In your opinion, what causes flat tires?”

“Nails and broken glass primarily. Other things include animals, teeth and hard food.”

“Is it safe to change a tire?” I probed.

Woolston sighed and went back into his office.

Amanda Fleckensbrother is President of the C.F.H. (Call for Help) Foundation. “We advocate always calling an expert to have a tire changed,” she said, as we walked slowly near a wooded area. “Too many people have lost their lives trying to pry off a wheel cover or due to improper placement of the jack. The safest thing to do is contact a trained technician.”

“Yeah, but who wants to stand around like an asshole waiting for some fat guy in a grey jumpsuit to show up? Why not do it yourself? Yo, when I was in the Child Scouts we had to jack up this old orange boat they had sitting around and swap out a tire to get a Merit badge. And I crushed that challenge man, I got that badge.”

“At the very least, C.F.H. is an advocate for clearer markings on automobiles showing individuals where they put the jack, where the spare tire is, etc. So far, the automotive industry has ignored us,” Fleckensbrother countered.

“Is it safe to change a tire?” I probed.

Fleckensbrother paused. “No, it isn’t,” she finally said.

I nodded confidently and we moved ever closer to the edge of the dew-draped woods.

Neptune CEO Arick Schlesinger

We then proposed Fleckensbrother’s ideas to Neptune Automotive Corporation CEO Arick Schlesinger.

“Yo, what about these markings and shit?”

“We’ve heard Mrs. Freckenships [sic] ideas and we know all about the C.F.H.,” Schlesinger replied. “But it’s not economically viable for us to implement any of these suggestions. And in terms of the location of jacks and spare tires, that seems like common sense to me, Zach. And even if you don’t know where they are, it is clearly outlined in every owner’s manual for every vehicle Neptune sells.”

“Is it safe to change a tire?” I probed.

“Of course. The only people I know who can’t change a tire are male buffoons and some women.”

Opinion is hopelessly divided. You can listen to Amanda Fleckensbrother and call one of Lankville’s many roadside assistance companies when the dreaded moment comes or, in this reporter’s opinion, you can pull over, consult the internet and learn how to do it yourself. It’s a skill that everyone should have.

Zach Keebaugh won a medal for this report.

Zachary Keebaugh

Few things slam sweltering heat in the ass like a creamy cone on a hot summer day. Should you go for a double scoop of that minty chocolate chip or should you opt for the healthier-sounding “frozen yogurt”? Market research shows that frozen yogurt sales in Lankville have risen considerably every year since 2005 while the number of yogurt shops, kiosks, and boxes have doubled. And if you think frozen yogurt is healthier, you’re not alone– roughly 95% of the girls I interviewed toweling off at the pool believe that the softer shit is better for them than ice cream.

But is frozen yogurt healthier? I aimed to find out. I am Zach Keebaugh, Investigative Reporter.

“A lot of people, when they hear the word “yogurt” think of, you know, the other kind of yogurt,” said Petette Ramsey, a spokesperson for the Lankville Academy of Nutrition, Dietetics and Drinks. “But the freezing process used to make frozen yogurt tends to kill off some of the probiotics and other gut-healthy bacteria and leave your dessert essentially lifeless– just empty calories.”

“Why?” I probed.

“Why what?” Ramsey asked.

“Why do you think that?” I probed again.

Looks good, but is it crap?

“It’s not about what I think, it’s about what’s proven to be the case in laboratory tests. The best thing to do is look for the seal that yogurt shops, kiosks and boxes will display if they add nutrients. It’s a big green shield and it says “Live and Active Cultures.”

“Yo, where’s that shield?” I probed.

“Usually on the door of the establishment or perhaps on the frozen yogurt machines themselves. If it’s not displayed, you can inquire at the counter or at the box.”

“Yo, have you seen the fuck-ups that work at frozen yogurt joints? They’re not gonna’ know jack shit about shields.”

She didn’t know what to say and I had already probed enough so I let off.

IT’S NOT JUST PROBIOTICS

Turns out, probiotics alone don’t make fro-yo a health food. “People don’t realize that it often has more sugar than ice cream,” said West Lankville High Hills Area nutritionist Lisa Sand-Dompster as we walked together slowly by a lake.”Each half-cup of frozen yogurt has about 17 grams…”

I cut her off.

“I don’t want to get into complicated numbers here. Let’s stick to the facts.”

“Well, I was going to say that frozen yogurt has 17 grams of sugar while…”

“Let’s keep it simple. If I plop a couple of fist-size scoops of frozen yogurt down in a plastic container that used to contain lunch meat, and go to town on it, what the hell is going to happen?”

“Perhaps nothing for you but for individuals with conditions…”

“I ain’t no spastic,” I pointed out.

We walked around the lake in silence after that.

DO’S AND DONT’S

Whether you love ice cream or you’re all up into that frozen yogurt shit, there’s no wrong choice as long as you keep your serving sizes in check. “Your best bet really is a dessert that will satisfy your taste buds so that you won’t go back for seconds or scrounge around for other snacks later,” noted Sand-Dompster. Experts recommend seeking out products that have real ingredients rather than that crap with the laundry list of preservatives, thickening agents, and old oil.

And for a DIY fix, Sand-Dompster suggests making your own creamy dessert from a bunch of bananas or some shit and a blender and milk.

“What if you don’t have a blender?” I probed.

“You can mash the ingredients up using other kitchen tools,” she offered.

“I’d have to borrow all that fucking shit. I’ll just go out.”

“OK.”

So, the next time you need a creamy dessert, think twice and eat responsibly!

Zach Keebaugh got a little medal for this report.

Zachary Keebaugh

If you’re like a lot of people, you probably like to swing by Nuts, Ah!, when you’re hanging around Twin Removed Pines Mall. And why not? With over fifty thousand different varieties of nutmeat in one easy to access location by the fountains, it’s a no-brainer. Question is– is Nuts Ah! cursed? I aimed to find out. I am Zach Keebaugh, Investigative Reporter.

I met up with Marty Barrett, who founded the kiosk in 2007. Barrett was kind enough to bring me a little paper cone full of nuts but I wasn’t gonna’ let that influence me. I pushed the cone aside.

“Yo, people say your nut stand is built on cursed land, man? What’s up with that shit?” I asked.

“It’s untrue Zach. Nothing paranormal has ever occurred here and ever will,” he responded.

“I wouldn’t make that claim. The portals of hell could open up tomorrow and then where would you and your little nut stand be?”

Barrett sighed.

“I personally guarantee that Nuts Ah! is not cursed. The rumors are unfounded.”

Associate Nut Handler Sheila Tallinder has a different story.

Nuts Ah!  Cursed?

“We’ll just be standing around or helping a customer and the next you know, there are some cryptic tablets. They just appear out of nowhere.”

“What do these tablets say?” I probed.

“They’re in a language that none of us can understand and they have these weird symbols on the back. A professor came by one time. He needed some nuts for his car. Anyway, we showed him and he told us they were something called “The Demonic Triads”.

“Yo, that’s some heavy shit. And this Marty Barrett guy doesn’t do anything about it?”

“Nothing. He takes the tablets out of the kiosk and gets rid of them somewhere.” She began crying and I put my arm around her. Then, I went and got her a big cookie, poor kid. The cookie was really soft and it kind of folded over on itself and fell into the fountain so it didn’t work out. It was kind of tough shit.

The Lankville Daily News then set up a surveillance camera to try to catch Barrett disposing of the demonic tablets. Unfortunately, a strange grey mist appeared when the embattled owner was in the kiosk only to disappear once he left the premises. We began to suspect that Barrett was the cause of the curse.

I probed further.

“Yo, what about that grey mist, man? And the tablets? You chucking them somewhere?”

“There are no tablets, Zach. I’m telling you- it’s just an ordinary nut kiosk.”

“That all you got to say?”

“That’s all.”

We stared each other down for a good fifteen minutes. I chugged the cone of nuts but kept my eye on him. He didn’t blink.

“What kind of necromancy are you practicing here, nut man?”

Barrett ended the interview.

I got my answer though.