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Is Online Dating Safe? A Zach Keebaugh Investigation

December 2, 2015 Leave a comment Go to comments

Zach Keebaugh

Yo, there’s about a million online dating sites these days for single Lankvillians to pick from– Companions, Fair Enough Cupid, The Bump, The Pumpkin Patch, Smackers, and Sunshine, GO! are just a few of the more popular platforms. With tens of thousands of eligible ladies online, you’d think a guy could do pretty good for himself, could ratchet up some serious clean and jerk skills, if you know what I’m saying. But is online dating safe? I aimed to find out. I am Zach Keebaugh, Investigative Reporter.

First thing I did was go undercover. Some real cloak and dagger shit, dog. Made up a bunch of fake names and used my cousin Steve’s picture for my ad– Steve’s got a face like a cherub but there’s an element of danger in his eyes– the ladies eat that fucking crap up.

Within minutes, I got several replies– even got a picture of some girl half-wrapped in a blanket on a couch flashing nothing but bare ass out the back. So, I sent her a message– “that blanket is rad, girlfriend” followed by a couple of those shiny cat stickers and a smiley face. She wrote back pretty quickly:

I’m an assertive woman with a sweet, “accommodating” boyfriend, and I’m very interested in finding someone(s) to hang out with, while he’s made to follow a few steps behind.

She invited me to meet her (and her boyfriend) at an abandoned airplane hangar in the Lankville Outlands. “He’ll be dressed as a dragon,” she wrote. “You’ll see him instantly. But you’ll have to find me!”  The whole affair sounded pretty killer but was it safe? Before I said yes, I figured on making a call to Berenice Bruno, of the Lankville Online Safety Steering Committee.Keebaugh Logo

“You should always meet someone for the first time in a public place, Zach,” said Bruno. “You should never, under any circumstances, meet a woman for the first time in her home or in a location that is abandoned or derelict.”

“Why?” I probed. “Plenty of open space in an airplane hangar. What’s the worst that could really happen? Besides, this is prime time shit, this is. Dude’s gonna’ be dressed as a fucking dragon.”

“All the more reason to be doubtful, Zach. Your first date with someone you meet online should be one-on-one. And you should always be leery of anyone dressed in a costume. That’s a real red flag right there, Zach.”

I let it ride a minute. Then I went in for the probe.  “Is online dating safe?”

“Under certain circumstances, of course.”

“What about inter-investigation dating? You got a ruling in your little book there on that one?”

Bruno blushed and I figured on pursuing that lead a little later.

I decided to take her advice. I switched up my profile a bit, hoping to get a little classier action. I still couldn’t use my own photograph (I’m a pretty big deal around Lankville these days– can’t even walk down the street without some clown pulling up and asking me to investigate some dogshit cause), so instead I used a pic of my homeboy Brian Schropp.  I was banking on Brian’s sweet and tender nature luring the ladies in like a hermit to a cave.

Unfortunately, I didn’t think about Schropp being a celebrity too. So, I ended up getting nothing but requests from fat girls who wanted discounted pizza or some review of their bullshit new cupcake kiosk. But for the sake of the investigation, I asked one out.

Her name was Vancette and we met up in the Red Room of the Casa Montecristo (an elegant reception hall). I saw her first and let me just say, she was selling it everywhere. I sidled up to her at the bar.

“Who are you?”

“Yeah, listen, I’m zach132 from Companions. Sorry about the fake photo.”

“So…you’re not…Brian Schropp?”

“Nope. I’m all Keebaugh.” I threw open the sports jacket I had borrowed from my cousin for effect.

She seemed real disappointed. “I was really hoping you’d be Brian Schropp. I’ve always wanted to meet Brian Schropp. Have you read his wonderful reviews? He has such a refined palette. Such a sweet and tender soul. It’s going to be a lucky gal that ends up…”

I cut her off. “Listen, why don’t we get a table. After all, meat is the special tonight.”

“I don’t think so. I feel…well…disappointed and lied to.” Then, she suddenly hit me in the face with her purse. It was just like a movie– everybody stared and DJ Humphrey stopped spinning for a minute.

Later on, I called up Berenice Bruno and told her what happened.

“Well, that’s another thing about online dating, Zach. You need to be honest, forthright. It’s only fair.”

“Is online dating safe?” I probed, suddenly.

She sighed but we kept chatting on awhile after that.


So there you have it, yo,  quick and easy safety tips for the first date meeting from an online connection. That shit is delivered.

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