Home > Zach Keebaugh Investigations > Are Offices Safe? A Zach Keebaugh Investigation

Are Offices Safe? A Zach Keebaugh Investigation

November 5, 2015 Leave a comment Go to comments
Zach Keebaugh

Zach Keebaugh

Yo, any half-bred dipshit realizes that safety and health hazards can exist on worksites filled with heavy machinery, guns and equipment– where employees often are required to engage in strenuous manual labor. A dude would have to be walking around in a snow globe of shit flurries not to grab the cake on that one.

But what about a job where most of the work tasks are completed while sitting in a chair in a climate-controlled office building? Seems less fraught with danger, right? However, I’ve seen it asserted that a surprising number of hazards are present in an office setting. I aimed to find out the truth on that. I am Zach Keebaugh– Investigative Reporter.

First, I went down to the library (the one I was going to had been bulldozed and replaced by a mall, so I huffed another 15 miles to the next one) and checked out the stats. According to data from the Lankville Bureau of Labor Mutilations, 19,480,410 private-industry office and administrative workers suffered on-the-job injuries in 2014. Many of these injuries could have been prevented had workers or supervisors recognized the risks and implemented simple workplace modifications to help mitigate them. I had my lead.

So next, I huffed it down to the National Pondicherry Safety Council and met up with Dr. Jeenie Paquette. Jeenie and I got along right off the bat and, I’ll admit, I was pushing pretty hard to the net. But then I got down to business with the good doctor.Keebaugh Logo

“So WHAT THE FUCK, doc. How can we get rid of all these hazards and raise employee awareness?

“Well, Zach, I’ve split up common office safety problems into a series of three categories.”

“You can do whatever you want, mama,” I purred.

“Right…well, Zach, the first major category are “office falls.”

Dr. Paquette says that last year alone, Lankville office works fell 3,987,412 times.

“The best thing to do is stay clutter-free. Keep boxes, buckets, wagons, papers, etc. out of the way and maintain a clear line of vision throughout the office. And if you have to reach up, use a safety step stool. We see all kinds of office workers trying to cut corners by stacking chairs together or ripping out the divider stalls in the bathroom and using them as ladders. That’s a no-no. Every office should have at least one working step stool.”

“What about just taking a full garbage can and stepping in that?” I probed. “Now, what the hell can be wrong with that?”

“No, Zach. Garbage tends to collapse when you step on it.”

Don't end up like these King Hill fuckheads. Make your office safe, yo!

Don’t end up like these King Hill fuckheads. Make your office safe, yo!

“I didn’t know that. You’re good.” I flashed her some pearlies. “What’s next, doc?”

Turns out, the next most common office mishap is getting struck by an object or beheaded. According to the digits, Lankville office workers were struck 5,277,314 times in 2014 and 7854 Lankvillians were beheaded.

“You want to avoid objects swinging from the ceiling, especially decorative seasonal objects,” Paquette asserted. We had an office recently that hung actual 30-pound pumpkins from the drop ceiling. A lot of people were killed.”

“Sounds like a bunch of assholes. Hanging pumpkins from a drop ceiling. That shit’s bush league, man. What else you got? We’re not even gonna’ go into stupid-ass activities like hanging pumpkins from a drop ceiling. Those fuckers are on their own.”

“Well, Zach, our final category is perhaps the most common but the most problematic to address. It’s ergonomic injuries.”

“You talking about those funny chairs that the foreign guys come around selling?”

She seemed confused. “Well, they sell them everywhere, Zach. But ergonomics are not just about chairs. They’re also about keyboard and mouse placement, workstation deficiencies, even the way people sit or put their feet on the floor.”

Dr. Paquette also noted that workstations should be adjustable. “We all have different bodies, Zach. Adjustable means able to accommodate the widest range of employees possible.”

“Fat people?” I probed.

“A…variety of options should be available,” Dr. Paquette responded.

So, BOOM, DELIVERED. A good bunch of options on how to improve workplace safety and put an end to all these injuries and deaths over the last few years. By the way, after the big mouth-party of this interview was over with, Dr. Paquette and I walked down to a Meyer Plantain Hut and wolfed some of those fucked-up banana-looking things.

It was alright.

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