Posts Tagged ‘Investigations’

Is it Safe to Eat Snow? A Zach Keebaugh Investigation

March 8, 2016 Leave a comment
Zach Keebaugh

By Zach Keebaugh

So, I was hanging around the knives and puzzles shop the other day and some bozo was talking about making snow ice cream. Apparently, you collect the shit in a bowl, drop some eggs, cream, and sugar on top and BOOM– you got yourself a bowl of tightwad dessert.

But is it safe? I aimed to find out.

I am Zach Keebaugh, Investigative Reporter.

I asked Bill Honks, chemist at the Yarny Woods Area University what would happen if we were to package snow and put it on grocery store shelves– what would we have to put on the ingredient list?

“Primarily water,” he said, “but also “various and sundry things depending on where it comes from.”

“Yo, let’s dispense with the fancy pants cap and gown crap,” I said. “What else?”

“Well, Zach, depending on what part of Lankville we’re talking about, there could be things like sulfates, nitrates, old electronic parts, or mercury. There are a number of variables.”

“It is safe?” I probed. This glorified pharmacist was dodging me– I could tell.Keebaugh Logo

“In moderation, Zach. I mean, I wouldn’t be going outside eating snow all day but in moderation…”

“Yo, that’s my plan, man. All snow diet, scientist. I’m gonna’ be wolfing that fucking snow like a nun sweats in a cucumber patch, chump.”

He seemed confused and went back to his little bullshit pipettes or whatever. I knew there was more to the story.

So I rented a car and drove over to the Eastern Peninsula Area. Arranged a little chit chat with my boy Elliatt Conroy, a researcher who studies water resources and climate change at Peninsula Poorer College.

“Zach, it’s better to wait until a few hours into the snowfall to gather up your snow. Remember, snow acts like a kind of atmospheric “scrub brush”, if you will. The longer the snow falls, the lower the pollution levels in the air, and thus in the snow.”

“Yo, that’s not what this Honks guy was telling me. He was laying down a real dodge, man.”

“Well, Zach, I can’t imagine why. The one thing I would note is that you should be extra vigilant if the snowfall is accompanied by wind. Remember, when snow falls to within a few meters of the ground, it gets mixed with soil that’s blowing around. Whether that makes the snow unsafe to eat depends entirely on what’s in the soil.”

“What if it’s snowing and there’s also a tornado?” I probed. “One of those grim motherfuckers that comes out of the plains, throwing meteorological shade all over the god damn place?”

“Well, I suppose that would be an example of when it might be unsafe to eat snow, Zach.”

I nodded knowingly.

So, there you have it Lankville– scientific proof up the asshole. But if you want to know this reporter’s opinion– don’t be a piker, standing around trying to catch snow in some bowl your mama gave you. Just go buy some ice cream, yo!

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