Home > Lankville Action News: YES!, Zach Keebaugh Investigations > Why is this Old Lady Staring at These Stuffed Animals in this Weird Way?

Why is this Old Lady Staring at These Stuffed Animals in this Weird Way?

By Zach Keebaugh

By Zach Keebaugh

A ZACH KEEBAUGH REPORT

I’ll admit it. It’s been awhile since I’ve worked. I needed something and fast. So, I took a job in a toy store.

I’m working right now. And there’s this old lady staring at these stuffed animals in this really weird way. It’s freaking me out, man.

She just keeps holding them at different distances from her face with that same demented smile. It’s crazy. Phil, the boss, he came over and asked me to go offer to help her. I was like, “Forget that shit, Phil.” He left and I went back to sorting the stuffed penguins– arranging them in rows by height. But I kept an eye on this crazy old broad.

This is the crazy old lady I was telling you about.

This is the crazy old lady I was telling you about.

I took a closer look. It was a bear and a tiger. What in the hell is the difference between a bear and a tiger? They’re both winners. How can you go wrong? Why the hell would it take, like twenty-five minutes to figure that shit out? It’s a choice of two, yo! Make it and be DONE with it.

So, in the end I bet you can’t even guess what this nutty grandma did. She left them both. Didn’t even buy a single one of them! Christ, I wanted to carom one off her noggin’ as she waddled on out. “Can you believe that fucking shit?” I said to Phil. Phil was all, “C’mon Zach, no cussing on the floor.” Phil’s religious- I always forget about that.

Here's the two stuffed animals that the old lady was pawing at.

Here’s the two stuffed animals that the old lady was pawing at.

So, I had to go see for myself what the hell was up. I picked up the bear and I picked up the tiger and then I put ’em side by side just the way the ol’ gal had ’em. I couldn’t tell any difference. So, I tried putting the same weird look on my face, staring at them in that same weird way. For a minute, I felt something strange, like something supernal, from beyond our world. But it passed quick and then it was, like, nothing.

I put them back on the shelf and now I’m headed to lunch.

Fuck it.

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