Ungodly Blood-Curdling Scream Alerts Customers to Pizza Arrival
By Linwood Probert
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Popular pizza delivery chain Suddenly Mama Pizza! has instituted a new “blood-curdling scream” that will alert customers to the arrival of their order.
“The customer will place their order,” explained owner Jerome Koosman from his offices in the Western Lankville Cliffs Business District. “Twenty, thirty or ninety minutes will pass and then an ungodly, bloodcurdling scream will erupt from all corners of the home or apartment complex. They’ll know then that their order has arrived.”
Suddenly Mama! is expected to implement the idea this Friday.
“We’ve done some testing in certain lower-class areas and the idea has worked well,” noted Koosman, who was interviewed while in the middle of laying off an employee who waited hesitantly in a nearby chair. “We have a lot of problems with customers not answering their doors or having faulty doorbells or delivery men not understanding the idea of “knocking”, so this should help expedite things.”
The chain would not elaborate on who would be doing the screaming but noted that the delivery person would not be involved.
“No, there will be a separate scenario acted out nearby the house or apartment building,” Koosman added.
When asked if actors would be hired to perform the ungodly, blood-curdling scream, Koosman grew confused.
“Not at all. They’ll be no acting in this scenario. Eventually, the scream won’t even be human.”
Suddenly Mama Pizza! boasts 317,284 locations throughout Lankville.
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The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
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The Lankville Daily News 
The delivery men are so courteous! They come early in the morning, unannounced, to almost empty apartments with pizzas in hand. They often come in twos! Didn’t know you wanted a pizza? Well, they did and they’re such a delight! No need to tip them, that just gets them off!