Home > Zach Keebaugh Investigations > Is it Safe to Change a Tire? A Zach Keebaugh Investigation

Is it Safe to Change a Tire? A Zach Keebaugh Investigation

Zachary Keebaugh

Zachary Keebaugh

You don’t need to save somebody’s life to be a hero. Maybe you just save their day.

Consider the inevitable flat tire.

Whether you’re traveling to school, work, or that weird summer camp your Mom sent you to that served nothing but unflavored macaroni and then told your Mom that you were a liar when you spilled the beans, it’s bound to happen eventually. That makes knowing how to change a tire– either your own or one belonging to an attractive female in need– an essential life skill.

But is it safe?

I aimed to find out. I am Zach Keebaugh: Investigative Reporter.

Bot Woolston has been changing tires on the Western Lankville Plains for 30 years. He claims that changing a tire is perfectly safe.

“You just need to make sure you chock the tire that is directly opposite the flat tire by putting some bricks or logs or some heavy object in front of it.”

“Yo, what’s chock mean?” I probed.

There's really no need to put out a fucking triangle like those asshole but you should still use caution when changing a tire.

There’s really no need to put out a fucking triangle like this asshole but you should still use caution when changing a tire.

“It’s mechanic-talk for stabilize. This is the main thing that people forget and is responsible for all those deaths that everyone’s all up in arms about.”

“Man, who the hell carries bricks or logs around in their car? You’re not fooling anybody, old man.”

“Changing a tire is so simple, Zach. There is absolutely no need why anyone, even children, should not know how to do it.”

“Let’s switch gears,” I proffered. “In your opinion, what causes flat tires?”

“Nails and broken glass primarily. Other things include animals, teeth and hard food.”

“Is it safe to change a tire?” I probed.

Woolston sighed and went back into his office.

Amanda Fleckensbrother is President of the C.F.H. (Call for Help) Foundation. “We advocate always calling an expert to have a tire changed,” she said, as we walked slowly near a wooded area. “Too many people have lost their lives trying to pry off a wheel cover or due to improper placement of the jack. The safest thing to do is contact a trained technician.”

“Yeah, but who wants to stand around like an asshole waiting for some fat guy in a grey jumpsuit to show up? Why not do it yourself? Yo, when I was in the Child Scouts we had to jack up this old orange boat they had sitting around and swap out a tire to get a Merit badge. And I crushed that challenge man, I got that badge.”

“At the very least, C.F.H. is an advocate for clearer markings on automobiles showing individuals where they put the jack, where the spare tire is, etc. So far, the automotive industry has ignored us,” Fleckensbrother countered.

“Is it safe to change a tire?” I probed.

Fleckensbrother paused. “No, it isn’t,” she finally said.

I nodded confidently and we moved ever closer to the edge of the dew-draped woods.

Neptune CEO

Neptune CEO Arick Schlesinger

We then proposed Fleckensbrother’s ideas to Neptune Automotive Corporation CEO Arick Schlesinger.

“Yo, what about these markings and shit?”

“We’ve heard Mrs. Freckenships [sic] ideas and we know all about the C.F.H.,” Schlesinger replied. “But it’s not economically viable for us to implement any of these suggestions. And in terms of the location of jacks and spare tires, that seems like common sense to me, Zach. And even if you don’t know where they are, it is clearly outlined in every owner’s manual for every vehicle Neptune sells.”

“Is it safe to change a tire?” I probed.

“Of course. The only people I know who can’t change a tire are male buffoons and some women.”

Opinion is hopelessly divided. You can listen to Amanda Fleckensbrother and call one of Lankville’s many roadside assistance companies when the dreaded moment comes or, in this reporter’s opinion, you can pull over, consult the internet and learn how to do it yourself. It’s a skill that everyone should have.

Zach Keebaugh won a medal for this report.

  1. oversion
    August 11, 2015 at 10:13 pm

    It is not safe to change the tire; but it is also not safe to not change the tire.

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