Ice Cream or Frozen Yogurt: A Zach Keebaugh Investigation

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Ice Cream or Frozen Yogurt: A Zach Keebaugh Investigation

July 29, 2015 Leave a comment Go to comments

Zachary Keebaugh

Few things slam sweltering heat in the ass like a creamy cone on a hot summer day. Should you go for a double scoop of that minty chocolate chip or should you opt for the healthier-sounding “frozen yogurt”? Market research shows that frozen yogurt sales in Lankville have risen considerably every year since 2005 while the number of yogurt shops, kiosks, and boxes have doubled. And if you think frozen yogurt is healthier, you’re not alone– roughly 95% of the girls I interviewed toweling off at the pool believe that the softer shit is better for them than ice cream.

But is frozen yogurt healthier? I aimed to find out. I am Zach Keebaugh, Investigative Reporter.

“A lot of people, when they hear the word “yogurt” think of, you know, the other kind of yogurt,” said Petette Ramsey, a spokesperson for the Lankville Academy of Nutrition, Dietetics and Drinks. “But the freezing process used to make frozen yogurt tends to kill off some of the probiotics and other gut-healthy bacteria and leave your dessert essentially lifeless– just empty calories.”

“Why?” I probed.

“Why what?” Ramsey asked.

“Why do you think that?” I probed again.

Looks good, but is it crap?

“It’s not about what I think, it’s about what’s proven to be the case in laboratory tests. The best thing to do is look for the seal that yogurt shops, kiosks and boxes will display if they add nutrients. It’s a big green shield and it says “Live and Active Cultures.”

“Yo, where’s that shield?” I probed.

“Usually on the door of the establishment or perhaps on the frozen yogurt machines themselves. If it’s not displayed, you can inquire at the counter or at the box.”

“Yo, have you seen the fuck-ups that work at frozen yogurt joints? They’re not gonna’ know jack shit about shields.”

She didn’t know what to say and I had already probed enough so I let off.

IT’S NOT JUST PROBIOTICS

Turns out, probiotics alone don’t make fro-yo a health food. “People don’t realize that it often has more sugar than ice cream,” said West Lankville High Hills Area nutritionist Lisa Sand-Dompster as we walked together slowly by a lake.”Each half-cup of frozen yogurt has about 17 grams…”

I cut her off.

“I don’t want to get into complicated numbers here. Let’s stick to the facts.”

“Well, I was going to say that frozen yogurt has 17 grams of sugar while…”

“Let’s keep it simple. If I plop a couple of fist-size scoops of frozen yogurt down in a plastic container that used to contain lunch meat, and go to town on it, what the hell is going to happen?”

“Perhaps nothing for you but for individuals with conditions…”

“I ain’t no spastic,” I pointed out.

We walked around the lake in silence after that.

DO’S AND DONT’S

Whether you love ice cream or you’re all up into that frozen yogurt shit, there’s no wrong choice as long as you keep your serving sizes in check. “Your best bet really is a dessert that will satisfy your taste buds so that you won’t go back for seconds or scrounge around for other snacks later,” noted Sand-Dompster. Experts recommend seeking out products that have real ingredients rather than that crap with the laundry list of preservatives, thickening agents, and old oil.

And for a DIY fix, Sand-Dompster suggests making your own creamy dessert from a bunch of bananas or some shit and a blender and milk.

“What if you don’t have a blender?” I probed.

“You can mash the ingredients up using other kitchen tools,” she offered.

“I’d have to borrow all that fucking shit. I’ll just go out.”

“OK.”

So, the next time you need a creamy dessert, think twice and eat responsibly!

Zach Keebaugh got a little medal for this report.

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CURIOUS LETTERS

Gentlemen,

My name is Fletcher M. Gregory, Jr. and I am 85 years old. I have long been an admirer of your Fluffy Marshes-Mallows; indeed, my man-servant Mr. Swift and I enjoy it atop our sundaes three or four days per week! However, as time has passed, I have noticed that your product becomes more and more difficult to locate in the grocery center and that other, obviously inferior products are now being allotted primer space. Now, this could be the work of the disgraceful he-she that manages my local grocery center (IT'S name is "Steve") but I have had other associates who have expressed similar concerns.

Therefore, I was hoping you could provide me with information on how you intend to rectify this matter as I am fearful that your fine product will eventually disappear forever from the shelves of my local grocery center-cum Sodom.

Yours faithfully,
Fletcher M. Gregory, Lankville

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