Home > Zach Keebaugh Investigations > The Lankville Music Beat

The Lankville Music Beat

By Zachary Keebaugh

By Zachary Keebaugh

Yo, lately I’ve been getting all up in [Lankville Daily News editor] Marles Cundiff’s cranny. I’m all like, Hey Marles– your paper’s coverage of the Lankville music scene is for dog shit, man. And he’s all like well, why don’t you write something then Zach and I’m all like yeah, sure Marles, you bet I will. (That’s exactly how the convo went down). Anyway, so your boy, Zachary (I’m now going by Zachary) is going to be bringing you news of the fat tempos and mad rhythms from all over Lankville right here in a little column I like to call “The Lankville Music Beat”.

So, I took a bus down to the Mild Southern Peninsula Regions to check out this femme psych folk group The Winds Through the Barley. On the way down, I had this dick sitting in back of me who wouldn’t shut the fuck up about some new political movement called Lankville First! that was gaining momentum in the outlands. “It’s all about Lankvillians for a more Lankvillian Lankville,” he kept droning on and on. He tried to give me some little pamphlet that had a picture of a bunch of blow drys standing super erect and holding up some gaudy flags. “Yo, I don’t go in for no creeds,” I told him and that got him to move back a few rows and out of my shit.

I was met at the bus station by Tommy Candiotti, manager of The Winds Through the Barley. He took me to some place nearby that served gluten free vegan cheese-infused mushroom sandwiches– you should have seen these monsters. I was all like, WHOA, LOOK AT THIS FUCKING SHIT. IT’S LIKE THE COLOSSUS OF MUSHROOM SANDWICHES, YO  when they arrived. Tommy’s face got all red so I gathered he didn’t cuss much and I kept it chill after that.

He told me all about The Winds Through the Barley. “They were founded in 2005 over at the Peninsula Day Care University and have basically grown up together,” he said. “They just finished their first album and it’s doing real well, as you know. They’ve been on tour but are also coming home a lot because the folks here just love seeing a home grown group.”Music Beat

“I guess so,” I said. “I mean, the Mild Southern Peninsula Region has been an overflowing toilet for music, yo.”

“Well, it has,” Tommy said, as he viciously tore into the mushroom sandwich. Seriously, he was wolfing that fucker. “We’ve had a few tinkly piano people but that’s about it.”

Magic Lantern is the first offering from The Winds Through the Barley and it features the for real vocals of lead singer Ruby Orsulak-Finley, who also plays the mandolin, the lute, and the Southern Peninsula pump organ. And plus, yo, she’s a looker, man. Zachary gets a little nervous around the lookers, I’ll admit it and I ended up knocking over an entire tray of muffins in the process. Fortunately, my boy Tommy took care of the bill.

“We like the 20-minute long suite,” she said, over a gluten free vegan cheese-infused mushroom sandwich sans mushroom and a big glass of phosphorus-enriched juice that was squeezed from sand or some shit. “And we like an emerging synthesizer which cannot be heard with the human ear until the very end of the suite at which point it suddenly usurps the pump organ and flows lightly into the arrangement like a batch of carbonated bubbles.”

“Is your music relevant?” I probed.  I still gotta’ probe, man. Even though this isn’t an investigative report, I still gotta’ probe.

“Of course,” Orsulak-Finley noted. “Our music is for everyone and any music that is for everyone is always and will always be relevant.”

Ssss, Leader Singer of "The Winds Through the Barley".

Ruby Orsulak-Finley, Lead Singer of “The Winds Through the Barley”.

I looked down then and noticed that my mushroom has disappeared. It was just gone, yo, like it had never been. It threw me off, I admit it. I looked around the place and the people, who before had appeared to be ordinary folks just eating mushrooms now looked diabolical, like the spawns of some overwhelmingly large and nameless evil.

“We can’t wait for you to see us play,” Orsulak-Finley said. She looked at my plate. What happened to your sandwich? Her voice sounded garbled and distant and then suddenly deep and fiendish. I got real confused for a very long period of time. There was a sort of haze that seemed to cover everything. After that, I remember some sort of windowless vehicle racing towards some vast unknown. Tommy was next to me– he was hole-punching mysterious papers into a binder and each time we hit a bump, he vomited a little. I closed my eyes.

Then, I was in the club. There were a couple of guys on stage that were bouncing an oversized colored child’s ball back and forth. The crowd seemed to really be enjoying it. They tried to leave the stage once, then twice but were called back on for encores. So, they bounced the ball back and forth again. Someone put a can of something in my hand– no label was apparent– it was a plain white can. “DRINK THIS,” they said. I drank.

Then, The Winds Through the Barley came on. All girl group, as advertised. And although I can remember little of the music, I can say that I was transported to some sort of limitless green plain which, at first, appeared to be bereft of man, of structure, of, in fact, anything marking it to be of our world. I walked forward and the horizon moved further away. I turned around and there was no horizon. You must move forward a voice said.

And then I was back in my overheated shitbox of an apartment above the knives and puzzles shop.

A vinyl copy of The Winds Through the Barley’s album was sitting on the floor, propped up against a stack of puzzles that I had yanked out of the dumpster one night.

I looked out the window. A delicate blue light was issuing forth from Paladin Pizza on the corner. I watched as it became stronger and then enveloped me.

Come get a steak sub sandwich said the voice. It was the voice from the chasm. Mushrooms are fungus. Steak sandwiches are delicious it said.

I floated towards it.

Everything that happened after my arrival will be part of an entirely different sort of story. A story that cannot be printed here.

Zachary Keebaugh is currently on sabbatical.

  1. Sir Charles of Camelot
    November 16, 2016 at 12:41 am

    it’s spreading, the lankville first membrane has shown up in alberta
    VIDEO: ‘Put Alberta first:’ MP Jason Kenney pitches his leadership to …
    Video for alberta premier kenney female candidates▶
    thechronicleherald.ca › News › Canada
    Jul 6, 2016
    CALGARY — MP Jason Kenney thrust uniting the right to the front … Tory leader and premier Jim Prentice …

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