Home > Lankville Action News: YES!, Zach Keebaugh Investigations > Is Duking Safe? A Zach Keebaugh Investigation

Is Duking Safe? A Zach Keebaugh Investigation

Zach Keebaugh

Listen up, yo. I know you’ve all been reading a shit TON about this whole duking business that’s been running rampant like a nun in a cucumber patch. You’re probably asking yourself, “Fuck, yo, is it even safe to go outside without getting my dumb ass-self duked?” Well, thankfully, your boy Zach is here to break it down for you. That’s Zach as in, Zach Keebaugh, Investigative Reporter, straight up.

First thing I did was head right on down to the Mild South Peninsula police HQ to talk to my man Detective Gee-Temple. This flatfoot has been the “p” in police in Lankville ever since I was in Dampers.

“Let’s talk about duking. Now, what the fuck is duking?” I probed.

“Well, Zach, duking is basically the act of dropping a sandwich on top of another’s sandwich as a sign of frustration or disrespect. It’s a street term.”

“I’m street, cracker. I’m street.”

He looked at me for awhile and then continued.

“Anyway, Zach, what we’ve seen all over Lankville lately is an upsurge in these so-called duking incidents. And, as of this moment, we have no leads or suspects.”

A pretty little secretary in a pink pantsuit suddenly brought a box of old encyclopedias into the gumshoe’s office.

“Zach, I need to check on these. I’m sorry but our interview is now over.”

I was onto something like a boss, no question about it.

Next thing I did was go interview this dog by the name of Pat Alvarado over in the Outlands.  Ol’ Avocado, as I started calling him (he didn’t like it at all, but fuck it) had been a victim of a massive duke down at the Pizza Disturbance. “I was just eating a turkey club and this old guy duked me with a meatball sub,” he recalled while smoking a cigarette in a darkened room. “It was…it was a mess…it was horrible. Nobody should ever have to go through…”

This ninja started crying then but I kept the probe going hard to the net.

“Listen, so what did this duker look like, man? How can you let some old codger duke your shit like that?”

“He was…probably about 65,” he said, pausing to take a long drag off the cig and a big swig of some cheap wine. “He came out of nowhere, man. Just absolutely out of nowhere, man. He duked me and then…he was gone.”

“So, it was a duke and run?”

“It was a duke and run, Zach. A duke and run.”

Ol’ Avocado lit one cigarette off the last and started fingering a steak knife so I figured I’d better head.

The psychology department at Lankville State Easier University was my last stop. That’s where I met Dr. R. Shawn Stanley Blyleven. Yep, that’s what the big ol’ fancypants gold plate on his door said.

“What’s the R stand for?” I probed.

He casually watered a nearby fern. “Does the R bother you?”

“Nah, nah, fuck that noise,” I said. “Zach K doesn’t need any kind of trick cyclist. Tell me about this duking shit, yo. You seeing duke victims in here or what?”

“This is a university Zach, so we don’t do any therapy here. But, yes, duking is beginning to show up in the literature. It has traumatized a lot of people in Lankville. How do you feel about it?”

“I’m investigating the piss out of it. Otherwise, yeah I feel alright. Not as good as I’d feel if I could get some cutie to let me stir the paint, if you know what I’m saying.”

He looked vastly confused.

“Well, now, Zach. Obviously duke victims are likely to suffer long-term effects and…”

I interrupted.

“Yo, is duking limited to just sandwiches. Like, can I duke a guy with a slice of pizza?”

“If it’s slice on slice then, yes, it’s considered duking.”

I scratched my chin and stared earnestly at the fern.

 

What’s the takeaway then?  Will duking become an epidemic or just an isolated incident perpetrated by some derelict galoot?  Who knows? But take your boy’s advice on this one and take it to the bank– don’t be cavalier about eating your sandy in public. Protect it and maybe you can protect yourself– protect yourself from getting duked.

Zach Keebaugh won a trophy for this report.

Shane Tibbs contributed to this report.

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  1. March 29, 2017 at 9:33 pm

    I was maybe enjoying a bit too much some red wine in one of the cheesecake glasses Buck Igloo’s been selling – those glasses are amazing with red wine – when this gal comes over with a sloppy joe and just jams it into the glass. Made me wonder what her intent was.

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