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Posts Tagged ‘Bumpkins’

STUDY: Bumpkins Like Trampolines

March 7, 2016 Leave a comment
Buck Igloos

Buck Igloos

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

A study today revealed that bumpkins like trampolines.

Lankville Southern Easier University professor Greeve Tinders, who led the study, said that 89% of bumpkins queried admitted to owning a trampoline or “utilizing one frequently”.trampolines

“The study merely confirms what we had thought,” noted Tinders. “You can drive through the hills and observe the preponderance of trampolines and trampoline stores. They really like them.”

Researchers interviewed 325 bumpkins ranging in age from 13 to 75 about trampolines. The subjects were from an unnamed hill area in Northwestern Lankville. A series of trampoline lifestyle questions were asked as well.

“It appears that many bumpkins feel the trampoline to be a necessity. Some bumpkins admitted to owning two or three,” said Tinders.

“Many indicated that they liked having a trampoline for both the front and back yards,” Tinders added after a long pause.

Detailed results will be published in several easier-level academic journals.

Unclear Why Bumpkins Coming Out of Hills in Groups

February 18, 2016 Leave a comment
By Elliott Cumber-Lanny

By Elliott Cumber-Lanny

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

It remains unclear this morning why large groups of bumpkins began coming out of the hills yesterday.

The bumpkins are currently assembled in open fields and derelict parking lots all over Eastern Lankville.

“We have received no specific demands or instructions from their leaders,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who was monitoring the scene. “We’re not entirely sure if they even have leaders. Bumpkins are often not organized enough to receive instructions through any sort of chain of command.”

Nearly fifty bumpkins were seen in the rear of the Three Pines Double-Tiered Strip Mall in the Deep Lankville Basin Area.

“They assembled all through the day and were still there when I pulled out last night,” said Tammy Nails owner Tammy La Hoyt. “They were quiet and all. Didn’t ask for nothing.”

One of the bumpkin groups that filed into Eastern Lankville yesterday.

One of the bumpkin groups that filed into Eastern Lankville yesterday.

Some shopkeepers, citizens and animals were alarmed by the unannounced presence.

“I want them to leave,” said a housewife who refused to be identified and was nearly hysterical. “We’re locking our doors now. We’re locking our doors.”

Several attempts to speak with the bumpkins were fruitless.

“You kind of wade into one of the groups and the group just sort of slowly breaks apart like a piece of soggy bread or a prized magazine that you accidentally left out on your back porch in the rain,” said Lankville Daily News correspondent Brock Belvedere, Jr. “Then, when you give up and start walking away, the bumpkin group comes back together again and the little aimless puttering starts anew.”

Gee-Temple was unsure of what action would be taken today.

“I don’t think we’ll be indiscriminately firing guns at them,” the detective noted in a low, distant voice.

A press conference is expected later today.

Anniversary of Bumpkins Carried Off By Wind to be Commemorated

October 13, 2015 Leave a comment
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk

By Lloyd Byas-Kirk

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

The one-year anniversary of the disappearance of a bumpkin family that were carried off by the wind in an Eastern Lankville trailer park will be commemorated by a scientific explanation of how wind carries off bumpkins and a sheet cake.

Did Schropp have a back alley encounter with a bumpkin? The Lankville Daily News: ESSENTIAL READ

The bumpkin trailer

The event will take place at the Casa Montecristo (an elegant reception hall) on Saturday, October 17th. Science wunderkind Danny Madison and meteorologist Jack Quintz will be the featured speakers. Tickets are $15 (with 10% of proceeds going to charity).

On October 19th of last year, a family of seven bumpkins were taken away by a strong wind. Their fate has never been discerned.

“It will be a celebration of their lives,” said event organizer Lloyd Byas-Kirk. “We will always remember them.”

Movement to Remember the Bumpkins? Schropp Ruins Local Man

November 24, 2014 Leave a comment
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk

By Lloyd Byas-Kirk

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

A small movement is picking up steam in Lankville to remember the bumpkins taken off by the wind three weeks ago, sources are confirming.

“I think a small statue or an obelisk would be appropriate,” noted movement leader Lloyd Byas-Kirk. “Even a nicely-engraved plaque which could be affixed to a large stone at the site of their abduction.”

Authorities have not responded to phone calls.

SCHROPP RUINS LOCAL MAN?

Cuisine

Cuisine

As I reported last week, Kirby Lomax, owner of the Huntington Road Deli, decided to grab a piece of the fresh frozen breakfast sandwich craze and started carrying them in his deli. As I had to meet with the family lawyer (over a certain trash incident that I’m not allowed to write about) I had been unable to get over to the deli to see how Kirby was doing.

CUISINE by Brian Schropp

By Brian Schropp

So early this morning I took a walk down and planned on standing in the long line of eager morning commuters to try one. But to my shock I found Kirby sitting outside the deli on the curb. He was crying while two men in spiffy business suits were locking the door.

I sat down beside him on the curb “Say, Kirby, what’s going on?”

He looked over at me with tears streaming out of his eyes. “I went bankrupt Bri. It happened so fast, those men are from the bank.”

I was so stunned that I was not sure what to say. After sobbing a bit more he continued.

“Fresh frozen! What was I thinking!! Why didn’t I just serve them fresh to the customers in the morning?! People don’t have time to reheat sandwiches on their way to work. And all that expense I had to invest in fresh ingredients. It added up so quickly– that was the straw that broke the camel’s back!! I even looked up Fresh Frozen on the computer, I couldn’t find anything about it being a trend!! Now I’m out of business. Guess it’s back to the children’s linoleum trade for me”

Ruined man Kirby Lomax. Shortly after his meeting with Schropp, Lomax fell down some steps while carrying a box of shiny tinsel. No explanation has yet been offered.

Ruined man Kirby Lomax. Shortly after his meeting with Schropp, Lomax fell down some steps while carrying a box of shiny tinsel. No explanation has yet been offered.

He put his head down and cried like a little baby. I knew now wasn’t the time to tell him that some food trends are so hot, you won’t find them written about anywhere. I gave Kirby a hug. I felt bad for him, he was a good man (unlike a certain person I know who this paper wants to defend. I’m sorry, Hank Cameron is a JERK). But as I was walking back home I couldn’t help but wonder– what if I was able to make it down sooner- could I have helped?

Maybe it wasn’t the fresh frozen process but the breakfast sandwich itself. Maybe the “B-E-C-TB (bacon, egg, cheese, tender biscuit) equation was not correct. Something that seems simple but is one of the hardest things for a culinary expert to achieve.

Well, I wish Mr. Lomax the best in his future endeavors. Until next time keep your mind and mouth open to new ideas.

Happy Eating,
BRI

Respected Grocer Cameron’s Yard Defiled; Bumpkins Ruled Out, Schropp Suspected

November 20, 2014 Leave a comment
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk

By Lloyd Byas-Kirk

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

Respected Lankville grocer Hank Cameron woke this morning to find his yard defiled, sources are confirming.

The bumpkins were not involved says Cameron and Gee-Temple.

The bumpkins were not involved says Cameron and Gee-Temple.

“They [the miscreants] overturned several trash cans and the yard was full of vermin,” noted Cameron, manager of the Foodville Deep Northern Suburban location and father of three. “Given the problem we’ve had with raccoons and that recent super-massive squirrel strain that have showed up, you can imagine the damage that was done.”

Cameron, who is a voting member of the Koala Bears and Walnuts Club and a pack leader in the Small Child Scouts, said he has no doubt as to who is responsible.

“It’s Brian Schropp. It’s definitely not the bumpkins like you asked me earlier, Lloyd. It’s Brian Schropp.”

It’s definitely not the bumpkins like you asked me earlier, Lloyd. It’s Brian Schropp.

Detective Gee-Temple took a series of prints from the overturned cans and believes an arrest will be imminent.

“Hank is a leading citizen of Lankville. We’ll get to the bottom of this. And no, the bumpkins were not involved in this, Lloyd. There is absolutely no credence to that theory, so let’s just get off the bumpkins and move on.”

SCHROPP ISSUES STATEMENT

Schropp: "I AM INNOCENT OF THESE EGREGIOUS CHARGES!" (paraphrased)

Schropp: “I AM INNOCENT OF THESE EGREGIOUS CHARGES!” (paraphrased)

I am just as upset and outraged over the defiling of the yard of Mr. Hank Cameron, manger of Foodville and respected Lankville citizen. No one should have their trash thrown around like that (“a feast for racoons and massive squirrels” is what the neighborhood is calling it). It’s also upsetting that Mr. Cameron (and others) are accusing me of being the perpetrator.   I understand that based on the phone conversation printed earlier in the week, folks are saying that I had “a motive”. But like I have stated before Mr. Cameron can be a bit of an a-hole when dealing with the public and has probably made quite a few enemies over the years.

Do I know if the BSU (Breakfast Sandwich Underground) were responsible? I have reached out to them and haven’t heard back. I would imagine if a public statement were issued, it would have been made by now (by contacting me, of course). Equally troubling is the fact that apparently I am no longer welcome in the Foodvile store and will have to wait in the car while my folks and siblings shop. In trying to place blame for this horrific event, let us look at another possibility.

Maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t the BSU or an enemy from Mr. Cameron’s past. Maybe it was another citizen of Lankville-someone who has kept their feelings about breakfast sandwiches to themselves and in seeing the comments made by Mr . Cameron this week, finally decided to act.

Something to think about anyways.

WE ARE LANKVILLE

WE ARE LANKVILLE

To conclude this article on a happier note, the Huntington Road Deli has decided to pick up my idea for “fresh frozen” breakfast sandwiches. Deli owner Kirby Lomax is excited to give the idea a chance since his other breakfast ideas have failed to catch the morning commuter crowd. “I guess people want an actual breakfast in a sandwich not canned meat shoved roughly into a doughnut,” he told me while slicing a honey baked ham for a customer yesterday afternoon. Finally someone who is getting the picture!!!

With a positive outcome to this situation and a few good future articles in the works, I am trying to overlook the fact that I was paired with the bumpkins yet again. Keeping my fingers crossed that the story has finally blown its course and I am free of them at last. As always keep your mind and mouth open to new ideas.

Happy eating,
BRI